Are Lobsters Ambidextrous? (13 page)

 

Submitted by Gerald Stoller of Spring Valley, New York
.

 

Why
is the part of bills that needs to be sent back by customers often too large for the envelope it is to be sent back in, forcing customers to fold the bill stub?

Harper Audio makes cassette versions of
Imponderables
books in a quiz format. A question is posed by Dave “Alex Trebek” Feldman, and three characters, A, B, and C, provide possible answers. Two of them are bluffs, and one is the correct answer.
The task of the listener is to identify which of the three alternatives is correct.

Obviously, in order to use an Imponderable on the tape, we need to conjure up two viable bluffs. This subject is a particular peeve of ours, and the fact that seven readers felt strongly enough about it to write to us indicates that it is plaguing men, women, and children throughout the Western world. One problem arose in using it on the tape: We couldn’t think of two decent bluffs.

Why in the world would any company, a utility or phone company or credit card company, ever supply an envelope too small for the stub? The only sensible explanation we could come up with was that chintzy companies were trying to save money by not purchasing larger envelopes.

We are overjoyed. After consulting several business forms and stationery manufacturers, and all of the relevant trade associations, we are pleased to report that the answer to this Imponderable is simple: Our gut instinct was right—there
is
absolutely
no
reason for providing a stub that doesn’t fit into the envelope (many envelopes provided for paying bills are also too small to accommodate a check without folding it over, but we’ll let this pass). These companies have simply screwed up!

Not since we tackled the insanity of the issue of why there are ten hot dogs in a package but only eight hot dog buns in a package in
Why Do Clocks Run Clockwise?
have we encountered an Imponderable with less reason for being or that makes grown men and women look so silly.

Several of the authorities we contacted were as befuddled and frustrated by this incompetence as we are—for example Maynard H. Benjamin, executive vice-president of the Envelop Manufacturers Association of America:

 

The reason that the bills are larger than the envelopes is that the individuals who procure the envelopes sometimes do not talk to the individuals that work in the billing department. As a result, in some cases the bills are larger than the envelopes; in other cases, the envelopes are much larger than the bills. If we could ever get both of these individuals talking together, your question
would probably be unnecessary. Believe it or not, in most cases the envelopes and bills are designed and procured by the same person.

 

In the latter case, then, we hope that the “talking together” will not be out loud.

Is there any hope to end this crisis? The popularity of window envelopes is forcing forms analysts to size the bills properly; if they don’t, the address won’t show through the window. Otherwise, the only answer is education. One of our contacts, the Business Forms Management Association, Inc., provides continuing education on these types of subjects; its executive director, Andy Palatka, wrote us:

 

The Business Forms Management Association, the international society for forms professionals, has existed since 1958 to provide the training, networking, and information needed to improve productivity in the workplace through forms-systems integration.

 

We have no idea what forms-systems integration means, but it sure sounds important, and although it is not our policy to endorse associations and their educational programs, we hope that every company that sends out bills (and, judging from our mail, there are a lot of them) hires folks with Ph.D.s in forms-systems integration. After all, it must take incredible savvy to design a stub small enough to fit into an actual envelope. Ain’t this a wonderful world?

 

Submitted by Bert Garwood of Grand Forks, North Dakota. Thanks also to Dorothy Kiddie of Nashua, New Hampshire; Sharon Sherriff of Alameda, California; John Hevlow of Idaho Falls, Idaho; John Beton of Chicago, Illinois; Rev. Ken Vogler of Jeffersonville, Indiana; and John R. Green of Cincinnati, Ohio
.

 

Why
are men’s neckties tapered at the bottom?

Neckties don’t
have
to be tapered on the bottom. In fact, they weren’t until the early twentieth century. Before then, ties were cut straight down from a piece of material. But now, the vast majority of silk ties are cut on a bias (on an angle to the floor) According to fashion writer G. Bruce Boyer, there are two main benefits to cutting on an angle: it produces a tie “more impervious to the rigors of knotting and maximizes the natural elasticity of the silk.”

When the end of the necktie is finished, it is “trimme square” (along the lines of the weave) so that the end forms a natural point. The larger point, the one presented to the outside world, is known as the “blade” or “apron” end, and the smaller, covered-up point is known as the “upper end.”

Have you ever noticed that knitted ties are not tapered on
the bottom? You may have figured out the reason already. Knitted ties (whether made out of yarn or silk) are cut and seamed straight across the blade end, rather than on a bias—circumstantial evidence that ties are tapered for purely functional rather than aesthetic reasons.

 

Submitted by Sonja Trojak of Brandon, Florida
.

 

Why
do stripes on neckties always run in the same direction? And why do American ties run in the opposite direction from English ties?

We don’t mind our books being browsed and sampled in random dollops, in the bathroom or in more prestigious rooms of your castle, but if you haven’t read the previous chapter, please read it. We’ll wait for you.

Now that you have mastered the intricacies of tie cutting, you are ready for the simple answer. The reason why the stripes are all on the same angle is that the stripes on the bolt, before the material is cut, are in perfectly horizontal position. The angle is achieved by cutting on the bias.

Although the origin of the practice is lost in antiquity, American tiemakers traditionally cut their material face up, while the English cut it face down. We don’t know whether this discrepancy has anything to do with squeamishness or prudishness on the Brits’ part (a culture that gave us Johnny Rotten and Sheena Easton can’t be
that
afraid of stripes) or some technical requirement of machinery. But we do know the end result: The stripe
on an American tie will run from the right on top and downwards to the left, while the English will slant in the opposite direction.

The striped tie originated in England in 1890, where different stripes were used to identify particular military regiments and, later, schools and clubs. One expert recounts a theory that the English stripe stems from the left side so that it will “descend from the heart.” Another source speculates that Americans consciously rebelled against English tradition. We’ve heard the latter theory used to explain everything from why we drive on the right side of the road to why we, unlike the British, put our fork down and switch hands when eating meat. But we think it’s a tad preposterous to believe that long after the Civil War, American tiemakers were still trying to fight the revolutionary war.

 

Submitted by Mary Jo Hildyard of West Bend, Wisconsin. Thanks also to Jill Palmer of Leverett, Massachusetts; Ed Hawkins of Warner Robins, Georgia; and Fletcher Eddens of Wilmington, North Carolina
.

 

What
is the purpose of the oil found in the head of sperm whales?

Sperm whales lend a new dimension to the term “greasy.” Their spermaceti oil is located in their “case,” a trunk about five feet deep and ten to twelve feet long, and nearly the entire depth, breadth, and length of their heads. Surely, this odd anatomical arrangement must have a function. But what is it? In his 1991 book
Men and Whales
, Richard Ellis stated the problem:

 

When some ancient Europeans first discovered a dead sperm whale on a beach (sperm whales are notorious stranders), they were unable to explain the clear amber liquid in its head, and guessed that it was the animal’s seminal fluid…. Hundreds of years later we know the fluid is not the seed of the whale, but we do not know what the whale uses it for.

 

But this hasn’t stopped aquatic researchers from theorizing over the last two centuries. Here are some of the more intriguing hypotheses:

 

1.
The oil provides buoyancy
. This is the “answer” found in most encyclopedias and books about whales. The lighter specific gravity of the oil allows the sperm whale to rise to the surface of the water with less effort, an obvious advantage to a mammal that must breath air. Buoyancy helps keep the whale’s blow hole above the surface of the water, so that it can inhale and exhale without water constantly streaming into its respiration apparatus.

Why does a sperm whale need greater buoyancy than other whales? The main reason is that the sperm whale has a huge head, and its jaws contain the largest teeth not only of any whale but of any animal. Without the buoyancy lent by the oil, the weight of the jaws and teeth would make the whale’s head “bottom-heavy.”

The biggest flaw of this theory is that the very buoyancy that allows sperm whales to glide effortlessly on the surface of the water would also require them to struggle when attempting deep dives.

2.
The oil facilitates movement in the water
. The trunk that contains the oil might dispense oil to a particular section of the case to increase the specific gravity of that end. By shifting the oil to one end, the whale can change direction much more easily.

3.
The oil protects whales from the effects of nitrogen
. Nitrogen buildup creates decompression sickness in whales, and sperm whales dive deeper than any other whale. Some theorize that spermaceti oil is capable of filtering out nitrogen from the respiratory and circulatory system. In the past, hunters of sperm whales often found themselves slimed in the worst possible way: Not only did they come away full of oil, but they were beset by other, more serious calamities—severe skin irritations and even temporary blindness. Sea water and oxygen wouldn’t cause such a reaction. Perhaps the oil literally carries the nitrogen out of the whale’s system.

4.
The oil might be a food source
. Dr. Robert R. Rofen, of the Aquatic Research Institute, wrote
Imponderables
that many aquatic animals store their energy in the form of oil—lipids for future use when their food supply is down.

5.
The oil is used in sound production
. Humpback whales are
not the only whales to produce sound. Sperm whales emit high pitched “wails” and locate objects by sensing how and where their sounds bounce back to them. When on the prowl, there is evidence to suggest that they may incapacitate and stun their prey by producing a sound more piercing than Yoko Ono at her worst. Nobody knows for sure what role the oil may play in production of the scream.

6.
The oil allows whales to dive deeper
. Even though the added buoyancy provided by the spermaceti oil acts to make deep diving more difficult, the case that holds the oil might act as a force pump, drawing in air when necessary and, more importantly, preventing air from escaping when the whale is deep below the surface. The facilitation of oxygen flow between nostrils and lungs is crucial in allowing sperm whales to dive deeper than other whales, but the role of the oil itself in the process is unclear.

7.
The oil provides equilibrium for the whale regardless of what depth it is
. When sperm whales dive, they are hungry. Researchers note that although sperm whales plunge as deep as ten thousand feet, when they resurface, they arrive in the same spot from which they launched. The inescapable conclusion is that the whales are not cruising around but rather descending vertically to the ocean floor and resting there until a promising group of squid or other prey passes overhead.

The natural tendency of the spermaceti-laden whale is to rise to the surface, so adherents of this theory suggest that when sperm whales want to rest on the ocean floor, they fill their nasal passages with water. We are talking about
major
nasal passages here. They are capable of ingesting hundreds of thousands of pounds of water! Since the water is cooler than the sperm oil it now mixes with, it cools and condenses the oil, lowering the buoyancy. Thus, by regulating the amount of water it ingests through its nostrils, the whale can “choose” whether it wants to be buoyant (not ingest water) or to lie on the ocean floor (cram all the water in its nose it can).