Arousing Love, a teen novel (14 page)

“Will you promise to come to Colorado?”

“If I get into college I will. If I don’t get
in I don’t know what I’ll do, but I won’t give up on you. It might
take me longer but I’ll find a way somehow.”

“I’m scared you’ll just forget about me.”

“I won’t. I’ll find a way to be with you.
You’re the one that knew in your heart we’d be together. God told
you I was your husband, remember? I’m sure I’ll get into one of
those colleges, and even if I don’t, it doesn’t mean our
relationship has to end. I might get in next year instead, or we’ll
just have a long distance relationship until you’re eighteen, then
get married.”

“That would be so hard. I hate this. I hate
not knowing. I just wanna know for sure that you’re mine and I’m
yours forever.”

“I know. All I can give you is a promise that
I’ll always love you and I’ll do everything I can to find a way to
be with you. That’s all the commitment I can give right now.”

She had tears in her eyes but she smiled up
at me, and I hugged her.

These relationship conversations were too
intense. “Come on, let’s go swimming, we need to cool off.”

I took off my shirt, and she joined me as we
ran into the sea. We played in the surf together, splashing and
laughing and innocently touching each other as much as possible.
Afterwards, Joanna let me use her towel to dry off.

“I’m going back to the shack to change. I’ll
come see you after dinner?”

“I could come with you.” She smiled.

“What for?”

“Just to be with you. We won’t do
anything.”

For a second I let myself consider it. “We
better not.”

“We could have a shower together.” She
grinned impishly.

I laughed. “You’re too dangerous for me right
now.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it.”

“You’re driving me crazy.” I smiled to soften
my words. “I’ll come see you tonight, okay?”

“Okay.” She pouted.

“Hey, I love you.” I lifted her chin, smiling
into her pretty face, and she couldn’t resist smiling back.

We walked up the hill and went our separate
ways.

I had to get away from her. She really was
driving me crazy.
I thought it would be easier after I became a
Christian, but it’s even harder now. We were so close to doing it.
It’s like there’s a point of no return, and once you cross it you
can’t stop.

What should I do, God? Should we just have
sex and get it over with? Would it be a sin if we did? It’s so
hard, I just wanna do what’s right.

Back at the shack, I took a cold shower, then
went to the house to make myself a snack. My mom had given up
making dinners for me since I was never there anymore. I took my
sandwich back to my room, and got out my paints. Painting would
allow me to forget about things for a while, and I still needed to
paint a self-portrait for Joanna before she left. I studied myself
in the mirror, then started to paint.

It went well at first, but after a while I
started having problems with it. For some reason I was finding it
really difficult to paint myself. I kept trying, but eventually I
got so frustrated with it I just wanted to slash my brush across
that ugly face. I gave up and decided to go see Joanna before it
got any later.

It was already dark when I got to their
campsite. She was sitting by herself, and by the light of the
lantern, she didn’t look happy.

“What took you so long? I’ve been waiting
here for ages.”

“Sorry, I was working on something and lost
track of the time.”

“What were you working on?”

“Just something. It’s a surprise. Where are
your parents?”

“They went out. What’s the surprise?”

“Nothing, I’m not even sure I can finish it,
it’s so bad.”

“Your self portrait?”

“Yeah.” I smiled. “Good guess.”

“I wanna see it.” She was all excited
now.

“No, it’s really bad.”

“Maybe I can help you with it? I could give
you some suggestions, I probably know your face better than you
do.”

“Where did your parents go? It’s strange they
left you here on your own.”

“They went to a theatre under the stars
thing. I didn’t wanna go.”

“When are they coming back?”

“I donno. Not for a while.”

“Hmm, what can we get up to while they’re not
here?” I raised my eyebrows suggestively, and she laughed.

“I could show you my messy tent if you
want?”

“Okay.” I grinned.

She took the lantern and we went into her
tent. It was a big mess of clothes all over the floor. I saw her
airbed and sleeping bag, and then I spotted her nightgown on the
floor.

“Hey, I’d love to see you in that thing
again.” I was already excited at the thought of it.

She looked at me, then smiled. “Okay, but
you’ve gotta turn around while I put it on.”

“Turn around?”

“Yes.” Her smile widened. “You wanted me to
stop us going too far, so I can’t let you see me naked anymore.
Turn around.”

“Okay.” I shrugged. I turned my back to her
and listened as she undressed, but I couldn’t resist taking a look
over my shoulder.

“Hey, no peaking!” She laughed, and I laughed
too. “Okay, you can turn around now.”

I turned to look. Her slinky nightgown
glistened in the lantern light, and I moved closer to see her
better. It wasn’t transparent, but it was definitely very sexy. I
reached out and touched the filmy fabric, my hands gliding easily
over her silky curves and down her smooth stomach to the hollow
between her legs. We kissed as the light of the lantern threw our
entwined shadow against the canvas walls.

“Zach
. . .
we can’t keep doing this. It should be all or nothing.”

“I know, but what can we do? We’re stuck
between all and nothing.”

“I want our first time to be perfect. I want
us to both want it, and not feel guilty about it afterwards. I want
it to be the beginning of our lives together, and to mean the same
thing to both of us, that it’s us becoming married, and it’s a true
commitment before God. If you can give me that then you can have
me. I’m yours.”

“That’s what I want too—”

Just then, the arcing beams of a car’s
headlights lit the walls of the tent.

She gasped, “That’s my parents!”

The car parked and the engine shut off,
leaving no doubt it was her parents.

I quickly unzipped the tent and stepped out,
zipping it closed behind me to hide a frantic Joanna grabbing up
her clothes.

I heard the car door open and someone coming
towards me in the dark. I just hoped they hadn’t seen my hasty exit
from her tent.

“Zach? What were you doing in there?” Her
father asked. “Joanna, come out here please, right now.”

“I just got here. She was gonna show me
something.”

“And she had to show it to you in her tent?”
Joanna’s father looked at me with a grim expression, at least it
seemed grim in this light.

“Here it is, Zach.” Joanna stepped out of the
tent, holding the lantern. She was dressed in a t-shirt and shorts.
“This is for you.” She said breathlessly, and deposited something
in my hand. I looked down at the small jewelry box.

“What is it?” No need for acting now.

“Open it.”

I opened the lid to find two silver rings
glinting in the lantern light. “Wedding rings?”

She laughed and glanced nervously at her
parents. “They’re promise rings. One for me and one for you.”

“Oh.” I looked at her. In the light of the
lantern she was noticeably flushed, and I wondered if her parents
had noticed.

“Here.” She took the box from me and took one
of the rings, looking at it closely. “I think this one’s yours. She
handed it to me and put the other ring on her finger. I tried to
slide the ring onto my finger.

“It’s supposed to go on your ring
finger.”

“Which one?”

She laughed and took the ring from me. “This
one.” She held my hand and slid the ring on the right finger. It
fitted a little loosely.

“This is getting so serious.” Joanna’s mother
sighed.

“What’s wrong, Mom? You weren’t worried about
it before.”

“I’m not worried, I’d just like to see things
move a little slower, that’s all.”

I was feeling so uncomfortable around her
parents. I tried to think of a polite way to escape.

“How was the theatre?” Joanna asked

“Oh, it was good
. . .
”

While Joanna’s mother was talking, I turned
to her father and said quietly, “I think I’ll get going now.”

He looked at me with surprise. “I thought you
just got here, Zach?”

Joanna’s mother stopped talking, and everyone
looked at me.

“Yeah
. . .
but I wanted to try and finish my painting tonight. It’s bothering
me the way I left it.”

“Can I go with Zach and help him with his
painting?” Joanna pleaded. I was amazed at her boldness. I held my
breath.

He looked at his wife. “What do you
think?”

I was shocked he would even consider it.

“Does Zach even want her there?”

“Yeah
. . .
she could be my muse.” I smiled, but my heart was racing at the
thought of it. Talk about inevitable.
God, I’m not strong enough
to resist this anymore. If they let her come back with me I know
we’ll end up going all the way. If you don’t mind us doing it, then
let it happen. I’ll take it as a sign that it’s your will.

“Where do you do your painting, Zach?”

“In my room.”

“Please Mom
. . .
”

“I don’t think so, Joanna. It’s not that we
don’t trust you, I just don’t trust human nature. We need to be
wise and avoid temptation.”

I felt a mixture of relief and
disappointment. Joanna looked so sad. I gave her a smile to try and
cheer her up, but it didn’t work. Then I had an idea. I turned to
her parents.

“Do you think I could take Joanna out on
another date tomorrow night?”

Her mom readily agreed as if pleased to make
up for saying no before. We were all happy as I made my
farewells.

I walked home in the dark, thinking about
what her mom had said about avoiding temptation.
Is sex too
strong a temptation even for Christians?
I remembered what I’d
said to Joanna, that looking at a pretty girl was just an instinct
and I couldn’t help it. I remembered Joanna’s father saying sexual
desires were just an instinct of our bodies wanting to procreate.
We seem to be controlled by our instincts and desires. We try
not to give in to them but we can’t be trusted not to, our
instincts are too strong. Is sin just our natural instincts working
against our morals? I thought after you became a Christian you
wouldn’t sin as much anymore, but nothing has changed, the only
difference is I have to try a lot harder not to sin, and I have to
be careful to stay away from temptation.

I sighed as I pushed open the door. My
self-portrait was still there on its easel, but I couldn’t bear to
even look at it. I wasn’t in the mood to paint anymore anyway. I
flopped onto my bed.
Christianity is too hard. I can’t keep all
the rules and try to be good all the time. I’m already failing.
What’s the point in trying anymore? I can’t do it.
“I can’t do
this God!”

I saw the Bible sitting beside my bed, and
picked it up. I’d been reading so much of it lately, I was so
hungry for the truth. I opened it up and started reading, looking
for something that would speak to me, and some words seemed to jump
off the page—

‘Those who live according to the sinful
nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those
who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what
the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind
controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is
hostile to God. It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.
Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. You,
however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit,
if the Spirit of God lives in you.’

I knew God was speaking to me.
But how do
I live according to the Spirit?
I wanna be controlled by the
Spirit, and not my sinful nature.

I thought about all the sexual stuff we’d
been doing. We’d disobeyed her parents and abused their trust. Her
dad even told her off for wearing that nightgown in front of me,
and I’d made her disobey him by wearing it for me again.
Real
love would seek the best for the other person, and I know the best
for her is to wait until she’s old enough.

I’m sorry I did that with Joanna. God, I love
her so much and I wanna do the right thing. I don’t wanna cause her
to disobey her parents, I don’t want to hurt her. Please God, help
me not to give in to my selfish desires. Let me do everything out
of love, by your Spirit.

I felt better, like I’d been released from
something I wasn’t even aware of. I looked over at the easel, and
wondered if it had been guilt holding me back.
It’s hard to
paint something you don’t like the look of.

I got up and took another look at my
painting. It kind of resembled me but it had no life or spirit to
it. I studied myself in the mirror, and I knew what it needed.

I got my brushes and set to work again,
painting it with bolder contrasts, and the painting came to life. I
painted a background of clouds with a streak of sunlight breaking
through. I imagined it being the light of God’s truth shining down
upon me. Behind the figure, I painted the ocean, and in the
foreground a sandy beach beneath my feet, with the words written in
the sand— ‘Joanna and Zach 4eva’ within a love heart.
She’ll
love that.

The waves still needed some work, but I could
fix them later. I needed to get some sleep.