Awakening (16 page)

A second knock had him double-timing it across the living room to his front door. As he opened it, he was not at all prepared for the sight that met his eyes. She was fucking radiant.

He was a wreck. He made roadkill seem fresh. All of Claire’s happy fizzled. She’d been excited to come to his house, to see his personal domain and get a greater insight into the man whom she’d been spending so much time. They mainly talked about her. She never got to really delve into him the way she wanted.

Spending time with him had proved to her that he was indeed the kind, compassionate man she’d believed him. He’d never once been judgmental of her. Never criticised or shamed her for the things she’d confessed to him. And through the reading he’d directed her to do along with their conversations she’d been able to reconcile so many of her desires with her “programming” around then, but he was still something of an enigma. Right now, though, he looked like he’d had one too many sleepless nights, which made no sense since she’d seen him just last night at the store during the club meeting and he’d looked fine. Glancing past him, she spotted the bourbon bottle on the table and went rigid. Drunk was so not a part of this equation.

‘Claire.’ His voice was tense. ‘Please come in.’

She didn’t move.

‘Have you been drinking?’

He blanched but looked her in her eye and said, ‘No.’

She searched his face for several seconds and, satisfied with what she saw, she nodded briskly before walking past him and stepping into his living room. His apartment was very sparsely masculine. Clean and tidy. There wasn’t much that gave away the man underneath the carefully controlled exterior. There was a bookcase in the corner and she would make an inspection of it, but right now she wanted to know what was doing with Evan.

Turning to face him, she said, ‘What is wrong?’

The muscles in Evan’s jaw went rigid. ‘Claire, have a seat.’

‘No, thank you. I want to know what’s going on.’

‘Claire, that wasn’t a request.’

‘Evan, we aren’t doing the D/s thing right now.’ She raised her chin and looked him directly in the eye. ‘We won’t be doing it at all unless I’m satisfied that you are fit to participate with me right now.’

Evan took a step closer to her and loomed large. She could smell the light, citrusy scent of his soap and his nearness was doing crazy things to her pulse, but she wasn’t appreciating his attempts at intimidation right now. Being her dom meant being in his right mind when they were going to explore any kind of submission and he was not making her comfortable at the moment.

‘Claire.’ He spoke in a commanding tone and her body went liquid at it, but she resisted. ‘I am telling you to sit down and we will talk.’

She continued to look at him for several seconds and then said, ‘I’m going to sit down, but I’m doing it so we can talk, because I don’t submit for no good reason. And right now, I’m not pleased. Got it?’

His laughter was like a cork popping off a champagne bottle; it startled her but also gave her a little tingle before relaxing her as she absorbed it.

Taking a seat on the sectional sofa, she said again, ‘Evan, you look like hell. I really need you to talk to me right now.’

He came around and sat down on the far end of the sofa. It was as if he didn’t want to be close to her and she felt a cut right through her heart.

‘Claire, first, I need you to understand. I will never engage you in a scene of any kind if I’ve been drinking. I was seriously considering taking a shot, but I didn’t.’

While her tension eased a bit at his words, he wasn’t answering her question.

‘Why were you even considering it?’

He ran a hand through his hair, leaving him tousled and incredibly sexy. Her hands itched to smooth out his locks, but she refrained. Despite the time spent together, she still felt a bit hesitant with him.

With a deep sigh, he looked her dead in the face and said, ‘I’m nervous.’

Claire had to consciously close her mouth. If you had given her a million years she would never have guessed Evan was nervous. Regretting his decision to dom her? Yes. Wishing she would just go away and leave him alone? Yes. Nervous? Hell no.

His smile was wry as he took in her obvious disbelief. ‘Yes, Claire. I’m nervous. It has been years since I’ve done a session with anyone and my one attempt after Marianne died didn’t go well for me. It was agonising to be with another woman.’ He looked down at the floor as he spoke to her. His elbows rested on his knees and his hands were loosely clasped. He projected a pensive air as he retreated into his past for several moments. ‘I’m not saying this to hurt or offend you in any way. I’ve already told you of my wife and our relationship, and, well –’ He looked up at her. ‘Claire, you’ve been holding back. That stops tonight. You will comply with full and complete honesty or you will be spanked. And the idea of spanking you after so many years away and, frankly, with Marianne still so present in my heart has me nervous.’

Her heart melted even as her pussy throbbed at the idea of Evan spanking her. She should probably be offended at the undercurrent of him wishing she were someone else, but how could she hold his dead wife against him? It wasn’t as if he’d made any false promises to her so far.

‘I understand, Evan.’ She made sure to face him and smile. ‘Thank you for telling me that. I admit, I’ve been very nervous myself with each conversation we’ve had. I’ve wondered when we would take the next step, but I’m confused. What makes you think I’m not being fully and completely honest?’

‘Claire.’ He raised an eyebrow. ‘Let’s not start off with dissembling. You know exactly what I’m talking about.’

‘No, I don’t.’ Her chin lifted a little higher.

He looked at her for a few moments before saying, ‘Let’s take a step back for a moment. First, would you like something to drink?’

‘No, thank you. I’m good.’

‘OK. Here’s the deal. I want to know more about why you’ve treated yourself like a punching bag. I want to know what it was you were avoiding every time you manipulated Charlie into beating you.’

Her stomach clenched at his words and her heart started racing. ‘But I already told you about that.’

‘No, Claire. What you’ve told me is the what – that you manipulated Charlie into beating you and that, once he did, you felt more able to communicate, but you’ve not explained the why. What were you avoiding confessing?’

‘I was avoiding talking about my mother.’

‘Again, why?’

‘I think I’ll take that drink now.’

‘No.’

Startled, she locked gazes with him. ‘What do you mean, no?’

‘I mean, I’m not getting you a drink right now because that is deflection. You are attempting to redirect this conversation.’

‘No, I’m not.’

‘Now we’re adding dishonesty.’ He stood, and her heart leapt into her chest. ‘Claire, I warned you. Stand up and put your hands on the chest.’

‘What?’ She practically hollered the word.

He pointed at the chest. ‘Hands on the chest. For that bit of dishonesty, you’ve earned your first spanking.’

She looked from him to the chest repeatedly, not sure if he was being serious.

‘Claire.’ Her eyes snapped up to his. They were unfathomable. ‘I’m not Charlie. I’m not going to fly off the handle and beat you. This is very calculated and controlled, but you are not going to hold back. Period. Now, you can comply or we can end this.’

She didn’t want to end this, but she sure as hell didn’t want to get spanked either. Not like this. Not as punishment. She wanted to get spanked while having sex. This was definitely not about sex. With a shaky breath and a nod, she stood and bent over the chest, placing her hands firmly on the surface.

Evan moved behind her, and pushed her soft cotton skirt up over her hips and slid her boyshorts down her thighs. Goosebumps pebbled on her skin as the cool air hit it. She shivered in the knowledge that she was bare before him and felt her core flood even as her breathing went ragged in anticipation of the pain.

Smack. Smack.
A sharp, tingling sting radiated across each cheek and tears rushed to her eyes.

‘Claire.’ Evan’s voice was firm as he said, ‘Tell me what I want to know.’

‘I told you already.’

Smack. Smack.
The tingle got sharper and deeper and the tears were flowing freely now. Her skin throbbed and the sting spread across the entirety of her ass. He wasn’t hitting her severely, but he wasn’t being gentle either.

‘You made Charlie beat you. Why?’

She couldn’t speak, she just closed her eyes against the tears and shook her head.

Smack. Smack.
She jumped that time and tried to crawl across the chest, but he grabbed her hips and held her firm. She was sobbing openly now as her ass burned. Evan began to soothe her, rubbing her gently on the tender, heated skin before gently pulling her panties back up over her ass and dropping her skirt back into place. She heard him sit down on the couch and say, ‘Come here, baby.’

It was the first time he’d called her anything other than Claire. She wasn’t sure he was even aware of it but she complied as he pulled her into his lap and held her as she sobbed. Her ass was sore, and she felt the sting as she settled on hard, muscular thighs. He tucked her head into his shoulder and stroked her hair as she cried. Just like every time before, the pain welled up and her sobs wracked her body. She felt as if she couldn’t breathe and the panic began to set in. Her chest locked up and she began to hyperventilate.

‘Claire!’ Evan’s voice was sharp and he smacked her firmly on the thigh, which immediately re-directed her from her panic. ‘Breathe.’ It was an order.

She took several deep, shuddering breaths between sobs to regulate her oxygen intake and let the pain flow through her. Memories flooded her. Her mother and father belittling her. Her sister ridiculing her. The reminders again and again that she was unwanted and unloved. The fact that the very people who were supposed to love her didn’t want her.

Evan said nothing. He just held her as she cried; a solid, comforting presence. This was nothing like the beatings she’d provoked Charlie to. Those were violent and harsh and ended with recriminations and accusations. They’d go hours with her apologising over and over and him berating her for pushing his buttons until he’d been forced to react. This was controlled and intentional and, in a very strange way, comforting.

Her voice was watery and barely above a whisper, but she forced the words out. ‘I feel worthless.’

As her words sunk into his marrow, he stroked the silk of her hair and just waited. It was all he could do. This was a necessary step. Introducing anything sexual without getting to the heart of her emotional pain was a recipe for disaster. As her dom, he’d be walking through a minefield in her psyche and she’d be vulnerable every step of the way to a misstep by him.

She trembled so hard he wasn’t sure how she even got the words out. Her tiny frame was feather-light in his lap. Her tears were wetting the shoulder of his T-shirt but he didn’t care. The sobs racking her body were gut-wrenching to hear and he was grateful that the erection he’d sprouted while spanking her had deflated in the face of her pain.

It had taken a supreme effort of will not to pull out his cock and bury himself inside her right then and there. Her creamy ass had been so tantalizing as it turned such a pretty shade of pink, the rosy lips of her sex exposed to his view. But the focus of this session hadn’t been sexual, it had been emotional. Her walls were what held her back and they needed to get past them. That his own body had betrayed him seemed to be par for the course where Claire was concerned.

Now, though, as she talked of the emotional abuse suffered, the feelings of loss and disconnection, and her shame and worthlessness, he just stroked her hair and rested his cheek against her head. He didn’t join in or try to direct her words. Neither did he try to stop the tear that ran down his cheek as she poured out her pain to him.

He knew what path they needed to take now.

Chapter Twelve – Going to the Edge

C
LAIRE SMOOTHED THE
silk of her dress over her hips and examined her reflection. She didn’t recognise the woman in the mirror. It was her but not. The difference was subtle. It was the look in her eye, the set of her mouth, the tilt of her head. All were minutely different, and it was disorienting to feel almost like a stranger in her own skin.

Ever since the afternoon at Evan’s apartment, she’d felt intrinsically altered. Loose and free-floating, like her pieces weren’t quite anchored together any more. She’d never told anyone the things she’d told Evan. Even Charlie, despite everything she’d pushed him to, had still only gotten the most superficial details. That she’d manipulated him into the beatings had put an intrinsic barrier on what she revealed.

Evan had been true to his word. He hadn’t judged her, had only held her as she sobbed out all her fears and pain. When she was done, wrung out like a used sponge and a snotty mess in his lap, he’d sat her up, wiped her tears away with his thumbs, and said, ‘You are a beautiful, worthwhile, intelligent woman and it is time you learnt that.’

More tears had flowed at his words, but he’d not allowed those, telling her, ‘Tears are for things you can’t change, not for things you can.’

He’d sent her off to wash her face and then he’d taken her to dinner at Luna Bella where they’d talked more. She found she liked him very much. She’d been so hopelessly attracted to him for so long, she hadn’t really evaluated him objectively. The more time they spent together, the more she saw the man underneath the broody façade he wore with her. He was extensively well read, an easy conversationalist, and they shared many of the same views on life and living; they even shared a love of classic movies and gourmet food. The only fly in the ointment was the reserve he maintained. He refused to talk any more about his wife and she sensed the key to Evan was his relationship with his wife.

They’d finished the evening with Evan escorting her home and accompanying her on her walk with Chester before leaving her with his instructions for their next meeting. She was to sign up for Chess Tutor online and learn the rules of chess. She was to play online for at least an hour each day. In addition, she was to begin a journal. Each day she was to write down any moments where she felt insecure or out of her element, and how she resolved them or didn’t. She was also to show up at his apartment wearing a dress with nothing underneath it two days later. When she’d questioned his instructions, his answer had been that she had to comply first and they would discuss them at their next meeting which, if she didn’t get moving, she was going to be late for.