Awakening (23 page)

‘I know you are, love, but do you know why?’

He nodded and squeezed his eyes shut before answering, ‘I’m afraid of losing her too. Of being helpless again.’

‘That’s kind of like not driving a car because you might get into a car accident, don’t you think?’

Her matter-of-fact bluntness pulled a bark of laughter from him. That was his Mari. He still missed her.

‘I miss you, baby.’

She snuggled into him and he held her in his arms, drinking in the feel of her and the floral scent of her skin.

‘Of course you do, I was an amazing woman –’ he felt her smile against his neck ‘– but you are only hurting yourself and another amazing woman who you love by acting this way.’

Evan stilled at the idea of loving Claire. He had never allowed that thought to even enter his mind, but Mari was right, as usual; he did love her.

‘I do love her, Mari, but it’s not the same as it was with you…,’ he rushed to say, but Mari stilled him with gentle lips over his mouth.

‘Of course not, love. She’s Claire and I’m me and it’s OK to love us both for who we are – or were, in my case. You have my blessing, Evan. She seems like exactly what you need. So you are going to have to figure out how to make this right with her.’ She dropped a light kiss on his neck. ‘Sleep now, love.’

She ran gentle fingers over his eyes, closing them, and blackness overtook him.

Evan woke to golden light pouring into his bedroom. His eyes were crusty with the detritus of his grief and the details of his dream poured back to him, bringing him to full wakefulness in an instant.

He was in love with Claire and he’d pushed her away. He had to see her and convince her to give him another chance. Throwing back the covers, he headed for the shower.

Evan stared perplexed at the lilies on Marianne’s grave. They were fresh and clearly hadn’t been there more than a day at most, but who would have done that? Only he ever left flowers at Mari’s memorial; neither of them had family in town and the only person he knew of who liked lilies was Claire …

The realisation slammed him like a fist in the gut. Claire, it had to have been Claire. Tears welled in his eyes at the image of her leaving flowers for his wife when she believed it was his feelings for Mari driving him to push her away.

Come hell or high water, he was going to get her back. He laid the tulips he’d brought Mari alongside Claire’s lilies and said simply, ‘Goodbye, love, you truly are always in my heart.’

Turning, he strode determinedly in the direction of Claire’s home.

Chapter Sixteen – Reunion

S
HE WASN
’
T HOME
.
Damn!
Evan knocked again, hoping against hope that maybe she’d just been in the shower or something and hadn’t heard him the first two times. All he got for his effort, though, was the sound of Chester sniffing and mewling on the other side of the door.

Evan rested his head briefly against the door before sighing deeply and resigning himself to being patient. He’d have to try again later. God knew she wasn’t coming into Bibliophile any time soon; she’d made that clear by sending an “unsubscribe” email to be removed from his mailing list. That had cut, for sure, but he’d haunt her door until she talked to him if he had to.

Turning, he went back down the steps and exited onto the street only to stop short at the sight of Claire and Bridget walking down the street, laden with bags emblazoned with the name of the local lingerie shop. His body quickened at the sight of her, her petite form encased in an eggplant-coloured T-shirt that hugged her form and flowed into snug jeans. Her delicate feet were gloved by tall, strappy sandals and it looked like she’d had a pedicure as her nails were painted the same shade as her T-shirt. She was elegantly sexy and her face took his breath away. She was furious and the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen. He loved her. Every cell in his body recognised it, and he’d take her however he could get her, even spitting mad.

‘What do you want, Evan?’ Her hazel eyes snapped right along with her words as the women drew to a stop in front of him, but he’d seen the way they roamed him first before she caught herself.

‘We need to talk.’ He didn’t move or try to touch her, but he looked her square in the eye as he responded.

‘I said everything I needed to say to you the other day. Just leave, please.’ There was a slight hitch on that last even though she pulled herself together quickly enough.

‘I didn’t, though. I shouldn’t have let you leave that way. Claire, I am asking you to please, just hear me out.’

‘Why, Evan? So you can convince me to enter back into some sexless and guilt-ridden D/s relationship with you? I don’t think so. I deserve better than that and I’m not settling for being your personal punishment. I won’t do it no matter how much you sit here and try to convince me it’s for the best or whatever.’

She was glorious in her righteous anger. A slight flush on her cheeks, her hands gesticulating, and her hair flowing like a honey waterfall. He wanted to strip her right there on the street and plunge his cock into that smart mouth until he filled it with his come.

‘Did you hear me?’ She had planted her hands on her hips and was looking at him with narrowed, expectant eyes.

‘No.’ He smiled at her obvious shock. Reaching out, he grabbed her, pulled her hard against him and kissed her, plunging his tongue inside and exploring her mouth, not relenting until she relaxed against him. Only then did he release her, and as she stood looking both bemused and thoroughly swollen and well-kissed, he said, ‘I love you, Claire.’ He took her hand in his and held it gently as he looked into her eyes, now wide with confusion and disbelief. ‘Please, just hear me out.’

Bridget, whom he’d forgotten about, stepped up and hugged Claire, whispering something in her ear before turning and reaching up to drop a kiss on his cheek and say, ‘It’s about time, sugar. Don’t fuck up.’ She smacked his cheek lightly, but grinned wide and sashayed off to her car, leaving them alone.

‘Will you hear me out, Claire?’ He held his breath, waiting for her reply.

Her eyes welled with tears and she nodded. As he turned to lead the way to her loft, she tugged on the hand he still held and said fiercely when he looked at her, ‘Don’t fuck with my head, Evan. Don’t do it. You hear me?’

He saw the fear in her eyes and pulled her in tight, holding her against him and just enjoying the feel of her in his arms. Kissing the top of her head, he said, ‘What was our first rule, baby?’

‘Honesty.’ The word was muffled against his chest.

‘That’s right, honesty. I will only speak the utter truth to you, and Claire, I love you. Now what we need to do is talk. Will you listen?’

She hugged him so tight that if he’d been a smaller man, she would have squeezed the air right out of him. ‘Yes.’

Pulling away, she took his hand and led him up the stairs, into her home. Evan didn’t miss the significance of the gesture.

Claire’s heart was obviously determined to take leave of her body. She could feel it galloping its way right up her throat, ready to charge on out the door. She had to take several deep, calming breaths just to make it up the stairs, but she held tight to his hand and tried to control her racing mind.

He loved her! God, she hoped he meant it and wasn’t just trying to con her back. She really couldn’t handle a mind fuck right now. She’d made up her mind to let him go and continue on with her desires to explore BDSM without him, and now here he was. In a moment of fancy, she’d asked for some sign she was doing the right thing and had come home to find Evan waiting for her.

That seemed pretty damn clear, but if what he had to say wasn’t up to her expectations she’d let him go right back out that door too. She wasn’t settling. Chester was ecstatic to see her … Make that him. He licked Claire when she knelt to pet him but bypassed her to go to Evan, who he bumped with his big block head and proceeded to follow as Evan took a seat on her couch. Once Evan sat, so did Chester, being sure to lean his big body right up against Evan’s leg.

Evan held out his hands to her and said, ‘Come here, Claire.’ The implication was obvious that he wanted her in his lap.

‘Don’t you think that’s rushing things a bit?’ She kept her face expressionless, but inside her belly quivered.

Evan raised an eyebrow at her and said, ‘Claire, I’ve been inside your body. This definitely isn’t rushing things. This is making amends. I wanted you in my lap before and I want to hold you and feel you against me now. Will you?’ He held a hand out to her but he wasn’t insisting; this was her choice.

She hesitated only a second. She wanted to be in his lap too, and starting off – hopefully they were starting something here – with games served no purpose. She took his hand and settled into his lap, getting a seal of approval from Chester when he licked her ankle. She relaxed into Evan’s lean body, enjoying his warmth and the clean, spicy smell of his skin. He hadn’t shaved and his face was stubbly. Unable to resist, she reached up and stroked his cheek. He grabbed her hand and kissed her palm before tilting her chin up and leaning down to kiss her again.

His kiss was slow and gentle, as if he were savouring the moment rather than claiming her. He brushed his mouth over hers so softly she almost thought she imagined it before he pressed in deeper. She opened to him, willingly taking his tongue inside her mouth and meeting him in return. He kissed her thoroughly, exploring every cavern and ridge of her mouth, stealing her breath and her heart all over again.

Breaking the kiss, he pulled her in close and pressed her head to his chest. She could hear his heart beating so fast and she smiled in the knowledge that he was affected too.

‘Why?’ The question slipped out before she thought, but she let it stand.

He took a deep breath and sighed, picking up a strand of her hair to play with before saying, ‘I was scared. Mari had been everything to me. My wife, my best friend, my business partner, and my submissive. We had our fair share of bumps, no relationship is perfect, but it was all I ever wanted. When she got sick it was the worst time of my life. I watched the woman I loved so deeply slip away right in front of my eyes and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

‘Do you have any idea what that is like for someone? Especially for someone who practices domination? Every instinct I have is to protect and care for the person I love. That gets exponential when we are talking about my sub, and I was helpless and powerless. I couldn’t do anything but stand by and watch.’

His voice was harsh and bitter as he spoke, and Claire took his hand and kissed it, but didn’t stop him. He squeezed her hand in return and she looked up and saw the gentle tenderness in his chocolate eyes as he looked at her.

‘That first day you came into Bibliophile, you were so fragile looking. I wanted to scoop you into my lap and have you tell me what was wrong so I could fix it, and that pissed me off more than I can tell you. I hadn’t been with anyone since Mari had died and I was content that way. Or so I thought. My dick, on the other hand, was wet and dripping and trying to dance, especially when you called me sir.’

Claire sat up and gaped at him. ‘I thought you’d been disgusted because I’d been about to come to that story I was reading and you saw me.’

He stroked the hair out of her face and tucked it behind an ear. ‘Nope. I wanted to bend you over my counter and fuck you right there.’ He grinned at her stupefied expression. ‘You are one sexy woman, Claire, and you called to all my dominant instincts. I avoided you. Period. I told myself I was still in love with Mari and that I couldn’t go there, but then I heard you talking with Bridget about what happened with Charlie and I knew you were ripe for BDSM and submission, and the idea of some other guy initiating you made me ill. I rationalised, though, said I would just guide you.’

He shifted and pulled her across his lap so that she was facing him. He rested his hands on her hips and said, ‘When you agreed to submit to me I continued to rationalise but I couldn’t control myself with you. I wanted you too badly, but I was afraid of losing you. Afraid of being that helpless ever again. So I put in all these rules and boundaries that were bullshit because I just couldn’t obey my own rules. I had no right to put that burden on you, baby, and I apologise truly. And I never should have let you leave me, Claire. You are an amazing woman and I love you and I want you by my side if you’re willing. I know I screwed up.’

Claire’s mind was reeling at everything he’d said. He did love her and he was as scared as she was. Taking his face in between her palms, she said, ‘I’m scared too, Evan.’ At his raised eyebrow she continued, ‘I’ve fucked up every major relationship I’ve ever had. I have a seriously hard time communicating and I am scared to death I can’t live up to what a relationship, especially a relationship like this, needs, but I’m willing and would rather be scared with you than without you.’ Leaning in, she kissed him softly on the lips and then leant her forehead against his. ‘I love you too, Evan.’

His grin was wide and open as he caught her to him and hugged her hard. She couldn’t contain her laughter at his exuberant response. When he finally released her she sat up and started to stand, only to yelp as Evan scooped her up into his arms.

‘What are you doing?’ she hollered as he spun her around.

‘Bedroom?’ He stalked toward the hallway.

She giggled. ‘Second door on the left.’

Chester started to follow them. Evan stopped and turned to look at the dog, saying, ‘Chester, bed!’ Claire was shocked to see her stubborn dog walk calmly over to his bed and drop down contentedly.

She gaped once more at Evan, who grinned at her and resumed his march to her bedroom. ‘It’s all in the tone of voice, baby girl.’ He kicked the door to her room shut, ensuring they’d remain undisturbed.

With no preamble whatsoever, Evan tossed her on the bed. She bounced once and shouted a laugh as he followed her down and caught her underneath him. One long, heavily-muscled leg lay over her own and his warm palm lay on her belly. The look in his eyes dissolved all the breath in her lungs as she watched him lean in and kiss her.