Awakening (22 page)

Something was off. He wasn’t looking at her and he wasn’t touching her either. This was not exactly how she’d envisioned the aftermath of the first time they made love.

‘Evan?’ She couldn’t keep the tremble out of her voice, but it pissed her off. ‘Evan, what’s wrong?’

He waited so long to reply that she began to believe he wasn’t going to answer her at all. When he finally looked at her and spoke, she wished he hadn’t.

‘I am so sorry, Claire. I shouldn’t have done that.’ He looked ravaged. The lines in his face were deep and his eyes had a haunted look. ‘I took advantage of you. I broke our agreement. I had no right to do that.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I won’t do it again. I’m sorry. I just – just can’t have this be about sex between us.’

Everything inside her went still. The air around her even paused. He was sorry he’d made love to her.
Sorry
that he’d done it. So
sorry
that he was refusing to do it again. Rage, clean and bright, flowed through her.

How dare he! How dare he act as if fucking her were wrong? She was not going to stand by and be treated like a mistake. Oh. Hell. Fucking. No. She was not doing this. She had more fucking worth than this. Well, fuck Evan and his goddamned dominance. She didn’t need this bullshit. He could very well go to hell.

Standing, she went into the bathroom and cleaned up quickly before returning to the room and beginning to dress. Evan hadn’t moved and was watching her silently. She remained silent lest she rage at him. She had after all known what she was getting into. She’d agreed no sex. She had not agreed, however, to be insulted like this.

‘Claire?’ His voice was tentative.

Only when she was fully dressed did she turn to address him.

‘Evan.’ She took a deep breath and looked him square in the face. ‘We are done.’ She held up a hand as he opened his mouth to speak. ‘No. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. You are going to listen to me for a change.’

She picked up her purse and put it over her shoulder as she walked over to where he sat. Reaching out, she stroked his cheek and did her best to memorise the texture of his skin.

‘I wanted you to make love to me. I enjoyed it and I would gladly have been in a relationship with you.’ She dropped her hand. ‘What I will not be is your guilt trip because you refuse to look inside you and see what the hell has you so scared.’

‘No! Listen.’ She cut off his objection and he clamped his mouth shut, his face going hard.

‘I know you will always love your wife. I would expect no different. But if you really think whatever is going on with you is about loving your wife, you are only fooling yourself. You want me, you’ve admitted that. This is about fear, Evan. It’s obvious to me. Only you are blind to it.’

She sighed deeply, stepping back from him.

‘Either way, we’re done. Your little apology just took one of the most intense and exquisite experiences of my life and tainted it. I am so furious at you right now, I could spit. Thank you, sir –’ there was a sneer in the title ‘– but I no longer require your services.’

She didn’t look back as she let herself out and she refused to cry when he didn’t try to stop her.

Chapter Fifteen – Breaking Point

‘W
ANT ANOTHER, DARLIN
?’Bridget asked.

‘Yes, please –’ Claire smiled wanly ‘– and keep ’em coming.’

Bridget passed the bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream to Claire and resumed her seat on the couch.

‘I love this scene.’ Claire waved her spoon in the direction of the TV. ‘Harry finally admits how he feels about A.J. It’s so sweet. All A.J. ever wanted was his approval.’

Claire let out a deep sigh.

‘I love action movies.’ She giggled.

They were doing a movie marathon. Currently it was Bruce Willis’
Armageddon
, and next was going to be
Taken
with Liam Neeson. As bad as she felt about what had happened earlier with Evan, she was not going to sulk. No siree bob, she was not doing it. No sappy romances, no bottles of wine and man bashing. They were, however, having cocktails and lots of ice cream. She was still a woman, after all.

‘I love all the sweaty, unclothed men that go with action movies,’ Bridget said as she licked her own spoon clean before setting her bowl down on the table. ‘Now, darlin’, you know I love you and I respect your privacy, but would you care to clue me into why I cancelled study group for an emergency action movie marathon and a gallon of mint chocolate chip?’

Claire refused to meet her eyes for several long moments, watching the credits of the movie before finally setting her own bowl down and clicking off the TV with the remote.

Turning to face Bridget, she said, ‘It’s Evan. I told him I never wanted to see him again.’

Bridget’s face went hard and her voice could have split wood it was so sharp. ‘Did he hurt you?’

‘Oh God no!’ Claire cried out and reached for Bridget’s hand. ‘No, babe, he didn’t hurt me.’ She squeezed her friend’s hand before setting it down. ‘Well, at least not the way you mean it.’

She picked her ice cream back up and began taking small bites as she talked. ‘We had a wonderful session together. He was perfect, he introduced me to some things and then –’ her face flaming, she glanced quickly up at Bridget ‘– he made love to me.’

‘It was amazing, Bridg. Everything I thought it would be and more. It was the single most intense, exhilarating experience of my life. And he absolutely fucking ruined it by being guilty.
Guilty!
’ Claire’s voice was rising.

‘Bridget, I know he loves Marianne. He probably always will, but I don’t think this is about that. I think he’s afraid of something and he won’t face it. That fear is making him keep all this distance between us and I know we could be good together if he would just open his damn eyes and face whatever is scaring him so badly.’

‘Do you still love him?’

Claire’s eyes filled with tears, and she sighed before nodding and saying, ‘Yes. I wish I didn’t right now, but I do. Deeply. I’ve never connected to another person that way and I’ve damned sure never entrusted anyone with both my body and psyche that way. But I deserve better, Brig. I won’t be his personal guilt trip. I am worth more than that.’

Bridget reached out and gave Claire a huge hug. ‘I love you, darlin’, and I’m glad you understand that. You just do what you need to do for you and don’t worry about Evan. He’s a grown man. He’ll take care of himself.’

‘It still hurts, though, Bridg.’

‘Of course it does.’ She released Claire and squeezed her arm. ‘Love always hurts when it gets off track. But –’ she picked up her own ice cream and spooned another creamy bite into her mouth ‘– that’s what sweaty, half-naked men and good ice cream are for!’ And she laughed.

Despite all the ice cream, Claire felt warm inside. She’d never had a girlfriend like this before. One she could share with, she could spend time with, and have a girls’ night with. Regardless of what had happened with Evan, she was better off for her time at Bibliophile. Her life was irrevocably different.

As that thought resonated in her mind, Claire realised she wasn’t going to stop. She would find another dom, but she would be careful about it. You had to be in the BDSM world because mistakes had much more devastating consequences if you weren’t.

Settling in for
Taken
, Claire’s heart felt lighter after all.

Rolling Hills Memorial Garden had been exquisitely landscaped. The undulating hills that gave the cemetery its name were covered in a verdant carpet that looked soft and ready to roll in. Each plot was neatly landscaped and dotted with flowers, and marked with a flat, engraved stone indicating who lay at rest.

Claire and Chester moved through the rows, searching for the grave they’d come looking for. When she woke up that morning, she’d been filled with the need to visit Marianne’s grave. As there was only one cemetery in their tiny university town, she had a good feeling that she’d be lucky and, sure enough, the caretaker had found the plot and given Claire a map with an admonishment to make sure Chester behaved.

They’d found the grave easily enough and Claire had cleared out the drooping flowers that were in the holder inset into the ground. She smiled a bit wryly at the tulips; they were such vibrant, cheery flowers, unlike the elegant, regal calla lilies – her personal favourite – she’d bought on impulse from the little floral shop in the corner of her block. She could imagine Marianne as a tulip girl based on everything she’d heard about her. Claire pulled a few weeds sprouting in the grass and took the debris of her impromptu manicure of Marianne’s resting place to the nearby trash can before coming back and facing the grave.

What did you say to a woman you’d never met, and whose widower you were in love with? Claire had no idea, so she figured she’d just have to wing it.

‘Marianne, my name is Claire and we never met, but I am in love with Evan.’ Feeling a little stupid at talking to the air, Claire sat down cross-legged and smiled when Chester moved to sit next to her, leaning his furry body into her, giving her comfort.

A light breeze picked up, stirring the leaves and blowing Claire’s hair around her face. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of earth and sun, before exhaling and proceeding to pour out her heart to a dead woman.

* * *

He was going to have to fix that crack. Evan lay on his back in his bed and stared at the offending ceiling. In the days since Claire had left him he’d become intimately acquainted with the shape, texture, and nature of his bedroom ceiling, given how he wasn’t sleeping when he was in bed any more either. He just lay there, staring at the ceiling, kicking himself for being an ass of the worst kind for what he’d done and then, adding insult to injury, torturing himself further by masturbating to the memory of being inside Claire.

He couldn’t get her or that day out of his mind, but damn it, he couldn’t go there with her. And he’d made that clear from the beginning. She’d called him a coward and what bothered him most was that he hadn’t even reacted. Almost as if a part of him knew that what she said was true. Evan had never been a coward in his life, he’d always faced life’s challenges head on, but this – this was something he just couldn’t bring himself to do. She’d said he was afraid of something he wasn’t facing, but that wasn’t it at all. Was it?

He raked a hand through his hair. Whenever he thought of letting go and getting into a relationship with Claire, his stomach twisted in knots and his mind just rebelled at the idea. He was still too much in love with Marianne, that was all. Yes, he wanted Claire and yes, he knew he was being a possessive jerk by enticing her to be his submissive. He just didn’t want anyone else initiating her, but that didn’t mean he was a coward. A bastard, maybe, but not a coward.

No, she’d done the right thing leaving him. It wasn’t fair to either of them and at least now, she’d have a point of reference for what to look for in a dom, rather than being completely green. So why did the thought of her with another man still leave him feeling like he could raze the city?
Damn it!
He wished Marianne were there. None of this would be happening if she hadn’t left him alone.

One that pained thought, Evan finally succumbed to the pull of sleep and the embrace of his dreams …

‘Wake up, love.’

Gentle hands stroked his face and brushed his hair back. Everything inside Evan relaxed as Marianne’s face came into view. Her lustrous black hair was hanging down her back in an ebony cascade; her face was full and her body lush, just as he remembered her before the cancer.

Wait, how could that be? He clutched her hand and pulled his wife hard into his arms. She felt just as he remembered.

‘Mari?’

She tilted her head on his shoulder and pressed a finger to his lips, murmuring, ‘It’s OK, love. It’s OK. Just relax and tell me why you called me?’

‘Called you?’

‘Yes, you called out to me and I came because you were hurting so much.’

‘So this just a dream?’

She sat up and took his hand in hers, cupping his face. ‘Yes, baby, but it doesn’t mean there isn’t significance here. You’re hurting and you called for me and I am here. I’ll always be here with you. Remember? I promised.’

‘But you’re dead, Mari, and I feel so damned alone without you. You left me and you promised me you’d always stay with me.’

A single crystalline tear ran down her cheek. It sparkled so brightly it was almost like diamond.

‘I know, baby, but I had no right to make that promise. The universe had other plans for us. I don’t have control over that and neither do you. But, Evan, you’ve forgotten to focus on what we had while we were together. You just torture yourself over what you weren’t able to do. You couldn’t save me, baby. Nobody could, it was my time.’

‘Damn it, Mari. I was your dom. It was my job to protect you and I failed you. You died right there in my arms and all I could do was watch you slip away from me. I had to watch. No matter how much I wanted to protect you, wanted to save you, I couldn’t … I just couldn’t.’

Evan’s voice broke as the grief and anguish he’d held at bay for so long cascaded over him. Sobs rocked his body as all the fear, self-loathing, and recrimination poured out at his inability to do anything other than watch as his beloved wife, best friend, and submissive had died before his eyes.

He felt her stretch out alongside him and wrap him in her arms as he cried. He had no idea how long it was before the tears finally subsided but he felt like a wrung-out dishcloth. Cool hands stroked his cheeks, wiping away the residue of his grief.

‘Evan, look at me, love.’ His eyes went to her face. ‘I loved you the best way I knew how and you gave me more love than I knew what to do with. I died happy, in the arms of my husband, partner and my Sir, and with the knowledge that I had no regrets. What more can a person ask for?

‘I want you to be happy, Evan, but you are turning away from a chance at happiness and you aren’t even trying to understand.’

‘I’m afraid, Mari.’ Shock poured through him as what he’d said registered. Claire had been right; she’d seen right through him.