Awakening (20 page)

Bridget followed her with worried eyes as she made her way back to the table. She’d retaken her original seat and was sipping her tea.

‘He doesn’t want me and I’m in love with him,’ Claire blurted before her butt even touched the seat. ‘And I just freakin’ figured it out right now.’

‘That he doesn’t want you or that you’re in love?’

For the life of her, Claire didn’t know why that struck her as funny, or maybe she was just going into hysterics, but she laughed at the matter-of-fact way Bridget restated her own words and replied with a grin, ‘That I’m in love. He’d made it clear that romance wasn’t in the cards for us before.’

‘Bull butter!’ Bridget gave a very unladylike snort and the outrageous words had Claire laughing all over again.

‘What in the hell is bull butter?’

Bridget grinned at her and replied with a smug look, ‘Daddy didn’t allow us to curse growing up, so I made up words to substitute for the expletives. He couldn’t punish me if I wasn’t cursing even though we both knew what I meant. So if it will help you, my slow on the uptake friend – bullshit. Evan very much wants you.’

Claire shook her head in negation and Bridget nodded her head in affirmation, saying, ‘We can go back and forth all day, but that man absolutely wants you. You didn’t see the snarling, spitting bear he became when you had left the club and refused to come back to the shop. Since you and he have been having your “sessions” –’ Bridget threw up the air quotes ‘– he’s been prancing around like the cat that got the canary.’

Bridget knew the true nature of her and Evan’s relationship. It was such a revelation to Claire to be able to be so free with another woman.

‘I dunno,’ Claire said to buy time to gather her thoughts. ‘After we …’ She waved her hand in the air as she searched for the right word and was relieved when Bridget nodded her understanding. ‘I fell asleep and when I woke up, I was alone. I went out to see him and say goodbye and he was so polite.’

‘Isn’t polite usually a good thing?’ Bridget’s smile was a mix of tender and teasing.

‘Yes, but not when it is rigidly polite. You know what I mean. Everything is just so and there is no informality at all.’ She huffed a frustrated breath. ‘It’s like we were strangers.’

‘Really?’ Bridget looked stunned. ‘Did you two …?’ She trailed off, her peaches and cream skin turning a shade of pink that was so sweet Claire almost chuckled.

‘No, not that. We didn’t have sex.’ Claire was stunned at her own bluntness, but hell, how could she have this conversation if she beat around the bush? She dropped her voice to a whisper. ‘He came in my mouth, but we didn’t have sex.’ And she really did laugh this time at Bridget’s obvious discomfort.

Pulling herself together, she said, ‘I’m sorry, Brig. I just don’t know any way to have this conversation other than straight up.’

Bridget grinned and said, ‘It’s my Southern sensibility, honey. Don’t you know that any Southern Belle worth her salt just lies back and thinks of England? We don’t enjoy sex.’ She smirked and laughed too.

The shared humour made it easier for Claire to get the words out. ‘He told me from the beginning that sex and romance of any kind were out of the question. And I agreed to it, but here I am in love with him and he’s not in love with me. I’m violating our agreement.’

‘Did you agree not to have feelings for him?’

‘No, but –’

‘Did you agree to not having sex with him?’

‘Yes, but –’

‘It sounds to me like you are keeping your agreement.’

‘Yes, but –’ Claire paused this time, expecting to be cut off. ‘He is still in love with Marianne.’

‘No, he’s not.’ Bridget’s words were steely and brooked no argument.

‘What do you mean?’ Claire was taken aback by her certainty.

‘There’s something else there. I’m certain of it. Not sure what it is, though, darlin’. But it ain’t still being
in love
with Marianne.’

She sipped her Chai before continuing.

‘Honey, he’s always going to love Mari, you know that, but when she first died, and for the last several years, it’s been as if other women didn’t exist. He was a shell of himself, just walking through life performing the expected motions. I saw him start to wake up when you first came around, and since the two of you entered into your little arrangement, he reminds me of when Mari was still here – alive.’

‘But –’ She held up her hand to stave Claire off.

‘Now, let me finish, darlin’, and then you can “but” me to your heart’s content.’ She took a final sip of her tea. ‘You, m’dear, are the reason for that change. I’m not going to declare his heart to you – only he can say whether he loves you or not – but I can tell you he’s definitely
not
still pining away for Mari. Whatever is going on, it’s something other than that.’

Claire was absolutely stupefied. ‘Well, hell, Bridg. What do I do, then?’

Bridget grinned and said, ‘Well, I guess you talk to him, honey. Preferably before he sticks his dick in your mouth and you can’t get a word out.’

Claire was so shocked at Bridget’s explicitness that she damn near snorted her cappuccino, much to Bridget’s delight.

Evan watched the women laughing from his SUV as he waited to turn down Main Street. They didn’t see him, and they appeared quite happily ensconced in whatever conversation they were having.

Seeing Claire so freely happy had moved him deeply. His heart had squeezed and he’d found himself grinning just because she was smiling so delightedly. He wondered what they were talking about, and almost parked so he could go join them and be near her. He didn’t like that impulse at all.

Their time together was not going as planned. He had thought to get rid of this compulsion to take care of her by ensuring her introduction to BDSM went smoothly. All those protective instincts would settle down then.

Yeah. Right.

He was anything but settled. He still dreamed of her. She still dominated his waking thoughts and fantasies. Even more so now he’d seen her in the flesh, so wanton and willing.

He’d lost control. He’d simply been unable to resist her in the moment, and seeing those full lips wrapped around his cock had been, literally, a dream come true.

He’d been distant with her when she’d woken and he’d seen the hurt in her face. He reminded himself that he’d never lied to her. He’d told her there was no possibility of a relationship between them other than dom and sub. That he was still in love with his wife.

So, if he’d been so fucking honest with her, why did he feel like he was lying? Why did he feel like he owed her an apology?

The blare of a horn interrupted Evan’s thoughts and he saw that he was sitting through the turn signal. Stepping on the gas, he turned the corner, but unfortunately clarity didn’t come with him.

Chapter Fourteen – Breakthrough

‘D
AMN IT
!’ C
LAIRE
couldn’t hide her frustration. She’d been so close to beating Evan this time. She’d lost soundly the first two games, but this time she’d been very close. She had been practising quite regularly and was winning more of her matches on line, but she hadn’t won a round with Evan yet. And this game was long. She’d stopped counting at twenty moves as she worked every angle she could think of to beat him.

Evan smiled at her but only shook his head, not looking at her as he began to place the pieces back in the case. ‘You’ve gotten much better since the last time we played. You must be practising a lot.’

‘Yeah, I have, actually. I’ve been playing every evening after I walk Chester.’ She helped remove the pieces from the board and folded it, handing it to Evan to be placed back in the box.

‘What about your journal? Have you been keeping up with that?’

‘Yes.’ She took the box from him and placed it on the bookshelf where it belonged. ‘But I find I’m writing less simply because I have fewer troubling incidents to write about. I’m feeling more confident and I’m asserting myself more, so I’m less hostile and out of sorts.’

She still wasn’t completely comfortable moving around Evan’s house. It was like there was a ghost, a spectre, here that hovered nearby. A shadow haunting Evan. Nothing Freudian there or anything. She felt Marianne’s presence between them, even though they never discussed it. She was getting to the point that she wasn’t sure who was doing the haunting.

She’d been unsuccessful in bringing the topic up to Evan both because some part of her felt as if she were violating their agreement if she did, but also because she wasn’t quite ready to hear that she wasn’t what he wanted or needed and how he preferred to love a ghost than a real live woman.

Not paying attention to Evan’s response, so caught up was she in her thoughts, she slid the chess set into its place on the shelf and turned back, only to stop short at the sight of a flogger in Evan’s hands. He had a small wooden chest out on the table and was removing several implements from it and laying them out on the table.

Slowly, she moved to his side and watched as he laid out a suede flogger. It was beautiful to look at and instinctively she reached out to run her fingers over it, only to stop and hover just above it, not at all sure if she should touch it without permission or not.

Seeing her hesitation, Evan said, ‘Go ahead, it’s OK. I bought it for you.’

‘You did?’

A look of pain flashed across his face as he nodded and said in a slightly rough voice, ‘Yes, you deserved new toys, just for you.’

Claire looked down and stroked the fine leather of the flogger. She felt a wealth of unspoken emotion in that response and a small seed of anger took root in her heart. She wanted to reach in and pluck it out, but couldn’t when a simple gesture that should have been sweet was being tarnished by a ghost she couldn’t compete with.

Squeezing her eyes tight, she took a deep breath, found her smile, and said, ‘Thank you, sir. I appreciate that.’

Evan’s hand flexed convulsively around the vibrator he’d just pulled out of the box and she could have sworn she heard him suck in a breath. A small feeling of triumph passed through her. It was childish, she knew, but he affected her so deeply yet held himself so remotely, torturing them both with the ghost of his dead wife and sub.

They’d met regularly over the week for coffee and to talk. They were getting to know each other and she was quite gratified to find Evan talking with her more about his background and his past. With one glaring exception. Marianne. He refused to discuss her, other than to say she’d died from ovarian cancer. His lips were sealed tighter than Fort Knox and she was tired of trying to pry the information out of him.

Again and again, she reminded herself that they were not dating, and she was his sub not his lover, to the point it was almost a ritualistic chant in her mind.

He set the vibrator down on the table and pulled out an anal plug along with a bottle of lube. The implications of the toys on the table stole her breath and made her pussy swell. She felt the moisture flood her core and knew her nipples were hard. Her chest constricted and she had to wilfully try to calm her now racing heart. She’d wanted this since
Finding Herself
and now that it was here she was going into overdrive.

‘Claire.’ He tipped her chin up. ‘Relax, baby girl. I’m going to take care of you.’ He searched her face, his own unreadable. ‘Do you trust me?’

She nodded since her voice seemed to have dissolved.

‘Good.’ He released his hold on her chin. ‘Go into the bedroom and strip. Lie on your stomach on the bed and wait for me there.’

‘Yes, sir.’ She looked away as she spoke and didn’t notice the hunger with which Evan looked at her as she hurried to obey.

For several moments, Evan simply stared. Claire had done exactly as he’d asked and was lying naked across his bed. Her creamy skin almost glowed against the midnight of his coverlet and the swell of her ass was ripe for what he planned.

He brought the toys he’d removed from the toy box and set them on the table next to his bed. She turned her head and watched, but said nothing. All of these were untouched, purchased especially for her. Everything he’d owned before, he’d trashed after Marianne had died. He couldn’t bear to look at them.

Moving to stand beside the bed, he bent and began to simply stroke and caress Claire’s skin, allowing himself to luxuriate for this brief time in its silken texture. The fine hairs along her skin rose up almost as if reaching out for him, and he felt his cock begin to stir. He wanted very badly to make love to her, but he wasn’t going to go there. Period.

He refused to examine his resistance. It was simply going to be as he decided. That was all that mattered to him. That he be in control this time. His hands stopped their motion on that thought, but he journeyed no further down that path as Claire flexed and sighed on the bed, distracting him.

He glanced at her face. Her eyes were closed and she looked incredibly relaxed. Peaceful almost. His cock twitched and he adjusted himself to relieve the pressure. Resuming his massage, he watched in fascination as her skin rippled and danced under his fingers. It was as if her body were an instrument and he was tuning it. This was a new experience for him and he wasn’t sure how to react to that knowledge. He and Marianne had clicked so completely, but he couldn’t remember a moment like this. He’d known her intimately, played her like she was a violin and he a maestro, but he couldn’t recall her body responding so viscerally to a simple touch.

The flex and sway of Claire’s body was hypnotic and a silent siren’s call, and he felt the pull to touch her deeper, harder, and with more force. It was almost compulsive. With an effort of will, he pulled himself back and straightened. Turning, he busied himself with the plug and lube to collect his thoughts and calm his mind.

He sat next to Claire on the bed. She tensed briefly but relaxed again as he continued to stroke her ass and lower back. He was enjoying the simple feel of her ass under his hand so much he was almost reluctant to move forward. This basic connection with her was peaceful, they were connected, but peaceful wasn’t what he was going for. Today, he wanted to push her boundaries and show her that pain was the perfect counterpoint to pleasure.