Back to Life (11 page)

Getting
increasingly upset, I started to ramble. “We would talk via email once every week or two.  But I told her that I would disappear completely if she didn’t stop trying to talk to me about that night. So she stopped and we kept in touch. We still talk via email weekly but we only discuss her life.  I just always want to know that she’s okay. And that her… family is okay,” my voice broke off and a sob rattled my body.  I concentrated on Ty’s hand rubbing up and down my arm and the music filling my ears before I could begin again. 

Focus Sahara, focus
I coaxed myself so that I could get all of the information out. “We were hit on the left side of the car so Emily and Emanuel absorbed most of the impact,” I muttered quietly. 

Fresh tears formed and I closed my eyes tightly.  I could still see Ty’s face with my eyes closed so I focused on that image to get the strength to continue. “Emily was a dancer and she was great at it
,” I said reflectively.  She double majored in education and dance.  She wanted something to fall back on just in case. Dance was her passion. And Emanuel…,” I sniffled, “Emanuel was a basketball player. He was really good. He was going to Italy to play for a year.” I paused for a long time.

I felt Ty’s fingers wipe away the tears on my cheeks.  I couldn’t open my eyes, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move. I just cried silently for a few minutes before I told Ty, “
Both of Emily’s legs were shattered upon impact. She never…she couldn’t dance anymore. The one thing she loved most and I took that away from her. I did that to her. And Emanuel…” my whole body shook, “Emanuel broke his left leg, left arm and had swelling in his brain from hitting the windshield. He um, he never made it to Italy.  He—all he ever wanted was to play basketball for a living. And I ruined that for him. I woke him from his sleep to come pick us up. I begged her to come when she didn’t want to. I ruined their lives Ty.”

I
cried so hard that I had to stop again to catch my breath.
There’s no stopping now. You can do this Sahara, just say it. You think it all the time, just say it,
I willed myself.  I could barely speak because my throat was so raw.  I lifted my head and looked at Ty, immediately wishing I hadn’t. Ty looked at me with so much sadness that it gripped my heart. I took a deep breath and knew this was the hardest part to disclose.

Breathing erratically, I finished, “Emanuel’s SUV was hit by Campus Police responding to a call.  The officer—the officer driving died immediately
and his partner died the next day.”

I sobbed so violently that Ty forced me to stop talking.  He wrapped his arms around my arms so that they were pinned to my sides and he pressed his cheek against my mouth.

“It’s okay Sahara. I got you, baby girl. It’s over now. You don’t have to say anymore. I hate seeing you like this,” he said as he rocked me.

When my breathing regulated and I wasn’t shaking as severely, Ty loosened his grip on me and I revealed, “The officer who died that nigh
t was my father.”

Chapter 11
 

Saying it aloud was every bit as painful as I imagined
it would be.  I was sobbing so hard that I didn’t realize initially that Ty had picked me up and was carrying me to the bedroom. “I killed my mother, my father, Emily’s passion, Emanuel’s dream, and the Mills family’s sense of security,” I wailed guiltily as he sat me on the bed.  “And I was released from the hospital the next day with minor injuries.  I ruined their lives and I walked away with minor injuries.”

Ty squatted down in front of me
so that we were eye level.  “Baby girl, I wish I could take the pain from you. You’ve been punishing yourself all this time. It wasn’t your fault,” he implored.

I covered my face with my hands and continued to cry.  I heard one of my drawers opening and closing.  I heard the water running in the bathroom and then I felt him in front of me again. Ty pulled me up and uncovered my face.  He wiped my face with a warm wash cloth and then put it on the night stand.

“I’m going to undress you now,” he informed me before he carefully pulled my dress up over my body, exposing my pink lace boy-shorts style panties and matching strapless bra.  I was too numb to realize this was the first time Ty had seen me so exposed—both emotionally and physically.  He tossed my dress over the hamper near the bathroom door.  He reached around me to grab the white T-shirt he had gotten from one of my drawers and put on the bed.  Cautiously, he put the T-shirt on me, barely making contact with my body as he pulled the shirt down. 

“Step in,” he commanded. I looked down and he was squa
tting again with a pair of pink yoga pants. He helped me step into the yoga pants and pulled them up over my hips. And then he hugged me, long and hard.

Pulling back the covers, he tucked me into bed.
I heard him fiddle with my phone before my Goodnight playlist started up.  He kissed my forehead and cut off the light. Letting the dark settle over me, I cried even harder until I passed out.

I woke up around
6:30 Saturday morning alone in bed with a massive headache. ‘My Immortal’ played ominously as I realized I was in bed alone.  Trying not to jump to any conclusions, I remained in bed and tried to get lost in the song.  After listening for a few minutes, I was crushed by the lyrics because they were hitting too close to home. I cut my phone off and I headed to the shower. As I took off my clothes, I suddenly remembered that Ty undressed me and put me to bed.  I couldn’t remember if he got in bed with me. I couldn’t remember anything but the crushing pain of verbalizing what had been haunting me for years.  My head throbbed as a reminder of how hard I cried. My throat ached from the awful guttural sounds that escaped my mouth.
That couldn’t have been pretty for him to see,
I thought as I imagined what I looked like last night. 

I
let the scalding water wash away the vulnerability I allowed myself to show and the tears that formed thinking about Ty’s absence.  Once I stepped out of the shower, I had to fight the urge to cry again.  But for the first time, it was about something other than what happened ten years ago.  I knew in my gut that last night changed things between me and Ty. I walked into the bedroom and I listened for any sounds in the loft.  There was nothing.
I can’t stay in here right now. It’s too much
,
I thought sadly.

Pulling
myself together, I put on black jeans and a green and black flannel shirt. Wrapping a wide leather belt around my waist, over my shirt, I completed the look. I didn’t have the energy to do my makeup so I just grabbed my oversized sunglasses and pulled my hair back with a black headband. Throwing some work into my laptop bag, I decided to knock out the report I needed to give to Deborah on Monday.
And I know the perfect place to get it done,
I said as I left the loft.  I didn’t want to but I couldn’t help it, I went to Ty’s door.  I didn’t knock; I just listened to see if I could hear any movement.  I couldn’t, so I quickly turned on my heel and scurried toward the elevator.   

At almost 7:30 on Saturday morning, the streets of Richland were pretty quiet. 
I took my time and made my way to the coffee shop.  Walking in the door, I smelled the strong scent of coffee and the light classical music floating through the air. Not bothering to take my sunglasses off, I ordered a large salted caramel cappuccino.  I looked around the cozy coffee shop and didn’t see any other customers.
Perfect,
I thought as I eyed a table in the corner.

I tipped the cashier and grabbed my cappuccino.
I set up my laptop and spread out my work. 
This is more like it
, I thought as I began preparing the new policy.  For almost ten years, working had been the one thing that I could count on.  It was straight forward. I’ve always had the ability to completely throw myself into a project because I never let in any distractions.
Until now,
I thought as I stopped for the 2
nd
time to stare despondently out of the window, thinking about Ty.
Get it together Sahara!
I shook my head and looked around the coffee shop.  Surprisingly, quite a few people had entered the building.  The bustling coffee shop wasn’t loud as I could still hear the classical music through the speakers. But compared to when I walked in, it was startling. 

Looking at the time on my laptop and read 10:03am. “
How did two and a half hours pass already?
I thought incredulously.  I looked in my bag for my cell phone to confirm the time and realized that in my mad dash to leave, I forgot it on the charger.  Concluding, by default, that the time was correct, I finished the last of the policy.  My head was down as I put away my laptop and paperwork. 

“Sahara!”
I heard my name being called by a familiar voice.

When I looked up, forcing any trace of any emotions back, I
regarded her like usual.  Giving her a polite, I said, “Hi Whitney.”

Working so closely with me, Whitney was n
ot deterred by my lack of enthusiasm. “How are you?” she exclaimed as she walked up to my table, standing directly in front of me. Giving her a once over, I noticed that her dress looked more appropriate for the evening than brunch. The dress was also slightly wrinkled.  Her makeup looked smudged.  Her hair looked a bit disheveled.  But her eyes were bright and she was her normal bubbly self.
Hmmm, Walk of Shame Whitney doesn’t seem ashamed at all! Good for her,
I thought to myself in amusement.

“I’m good, a
bout to head home. And you?” I responded.

“I’m great! I’m having an unbelievable weekend,” her smile and the twinkle in her eye confirmed my suspicions regarding her late night activities.

“That’s good to hear. Are you staying? If so, you can have my table. I’m about to leave,” I offered as I zipped my bag, concluding the conversation. 

“Yes, I’m staying.
I’m here with a guy. I guess this is our second date,” she laughed. “We met at Jimmy’s last night,” Whitney overshared. 

Hearing
the name of Ty’s restaurant and lounge made my heart flutter, but I remained calm.  “Well I hope you have a good time with your date. Pull up a chair and you both can sit here.” 

Jimmy’s has become the most popular spot in town
so if someone says something about it, don’t freak out,
I commanded myself. I stood and allowed her to take my seat.  I pulled a chair from the next table and placed it in front of the table. “See, you’re all set. I’m going to go. I’ll see you Monday,” I announced as I gave her a wave.

I turned and came face to face with the
brawny, asshole Bennett who just narrowly missed running into me—again. “Sahara!” he said, surprised.

“Bennett?!”
I sputtered, looking from Bennett to Whitney. “Is this your date, Whitney?”

Whitney’s bright smiled dimmed a bit, “Yes…?” she dragged out the confirmation into a question. “You two know each other?”

Collecting myself, I responded quickly, “No. We have a mutual friend. Enjoy your coffee. I’ll see you Monday, Whitney.” Looking at Bennett, I slid my sunglasses on. “Bennett,” I acknowledged, before leaving the coffee house.

I
only got a couple of steps away from the front door before I heard Bennett calling out to me, “Sahara wait!”

“What?” I asked as I whipped around, glaring at him.

“Look, I’m not a bad guy. I’m just looking out for my boy. But let me apologize again for how I acted yesterday.”

“Cut the shit… Are you doing this because you think I’m going to try to ruin your chances with Whitney?”

“Well, that and I don’t want to get a lecture from Ty when I meet up with him later. But mostly the Whitney thing,” Bennett laughed.

I snapped,
“I’m not going to ruin the thing you have going on with my employee. She’s grown and she already went home with you so the damage is done.” I switched my laptop bag from one shoulder to the other. “Are we done here?”

“You’re too pretty to have such a bad attitude, Sahara,” Bennett cocked his head to the side
and smiled a slow Cheshire cat smile while glancing at my breasts.
CREEPY!
I thought.

“You disgust me,” I replied as I stormed away. 

I got to Libby Lofts in record time.  James, the doorman, greeted me as I walked through the door. “Hi James,” I said as I ran past him toward the elevator.  I climbed in with 5 other residents and we moved in silence.  It felt like we stopped on every floor even though we only stopped twice before I anxiously bounded off onto the 9
th
floor. 
Funny how a few hours ago I couldn’t wait to get out of here and now I can’t wait to get back,
I thought as I opened my front door. 

I locked the door behind me and immediately put my laptop and the newly reconstructed Miller Security policy away
.  I felt the enormity of what happened last night as soon as I put my things away.  I couldn’t breathe. Leaning against the wall, I tried to focus on my breathing.  To deter from an impending panic attack, I started singing aloud the song that had been in my head all morning.

Feeling more at ease, I continued singing as I headed into
the kitchen.  I put a pot of water on the stove and preheated the oven before I walked up the stairs. I took my belt off and although my hair was already back, I pinned it up so it wouldn’t be in the way while cooking. I kicked off my shoes and slipped on my slippers. Hearing the oven timer announce that it had reached 350 degrees, I grabbed my phone and ran down the stairs.

Putting the penne noodles in the pot on the stove and putting the chicken in the oven to bake, my stomach growled. 
I guess I needed more than just a cappuccino this morning,
I sighed as I sat on the bar stool.  I pulled my phone toward me and my mouth fell open.
Five missed calls?! All from Ty,
I furrowed my brows.
Before I thought about returning his call, I checked my text messages.

Tyree Barker:
Good morning, I had some things to handle last night and fell asleep. Can we talk this morning? I will leave from here in a few minutes.

Tyree Barker: Sahara, are you okay? You’re usually up by now. I’m leaving now.

Tyree Barker: I just used the spare key and your loft is empty. You were really upset last night so please just respond so I know that you’re okay.

Tyree Barker: I’m worried.

Tyree Barker: I’m sorry I left you alone last night. I shouldn’t have done that. Even if you’re mad, please just respond.

Tyree Barker: Please.

The text messages started at 8am and continued in 20 minute increments.  My eyes filled with tears as I realized he didn’t stay with me. I opened up and allowed him to see the most awful truth I had and he did what I was afraid he would do: he ran away.
I let my guard down. I was vulnerable.
I fell in love with him,
I thought sadly, refusing to let the tears fall.
I’ve cried entirely too much over the last 24 hours. I’m over it.

Taking a deep breath, I constructed a short text message:

Sahara Lee: What’s up?

Responding immediately.

Tyree Barker: Thank God! Are you home? I’m on my way.

As my thumb approached the send key, there was a loud knock on the door.  Sighing, I walked to the door and opened
it wide. Physically he looked every bit as good as always, the fitted dark denim jeans and the short sleeved blue, yellow and green checkered button up shirt fit his body perfectly. I tried to stay focused on his face only.  He didn’t shave today and the stubble played up his features.  My eyes dipped to his kissable lips. I jerked my eyes away and glowered at him. His eyes held so much sadness so I just looked away from him altogether.

“Sahara, I’ve been so worried about you,” Ty began.

“Is that right?” I countered in a flat tone.

“Yes, of course,” Ty looked hurt by my tone.
Good, I was hurt by his absence,
I thought callously. Shaking the thought away, I walked away from the door.  He quickly followed me through the closing door.  I rewashed my hands and checked on the food.  The noodles were done so I moved them off of the eye.  The chicken still had 23 minutes.