Back to Life (12 page)

Leaning against the counter, I looked at him as he sat at the bar, studying me.  I felt vulnerable
and exposed under his gaze.  So in order to counter those feelings, I was cold toward him.

“I’m going to be eating lunch in 22 minutes. Did you need something?” I crossed my arms over my chest, hoping he couldn’t see my heart beating out of my chest.

“Sahara, don’t shut me out.”

This time I didn’t respond, I just looked at him.
We had a stare-down for at least two full minutes before he said, “Can we sit down and talk?

“Depends on what we talk about?” I
cocked my head to the side and glared at him.

“I want to talk about what you said last night,” Ty stood
up and slowly made his way into the kitchen.

“I don’t,” I
retorted flatly.  I moved further away from him.

“Please. Can I talk? I just need you to listen. I have—”

“I don’t want to talk to you about anything I said last night,” I articulated slowly, punctuating each word through gritted teeth.  I continued to back away from him.

“Sahara…”
he pleaded as he continued to stalk me around the kitchen.

I stopped against the refrigerator.
“Tyree, listen. If you feel the need to talk about this, you can leave.”

“Sahara, I just want to tell—”

I interrupted again, “Tyree, stop!”

While he was talking, he
made his way directly in front of me.  Our bodies were just inches apart.  I looked into his eyes and I felt a wave of emotions. I wanted to cry. I wanted to yell. I wanted to wipe the sadness from his eyes. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to go back to before I told him.
Why does he drum up all these emotions in me? I used to be so good with a poker face,
I thought as I shifted my eyes from his. 

He caressed my face with the back of his hand, letting his fingertips dance down the side of my neck. I sucked in a sharp breath and closed my eyes.  His finger
s trailed my shoulder and made their slow, tantalizing descent down my arm.  When his fingers found mine, he hooked them together. We stood quietly with our hands intertwined.  I squeezed my eyes together to prevent the tears from falling.

“Sahara, please…
I need to say this,” Ty pleaded, his voice hoarse.

I shook my head violently.
He stopped talking and when I opened my eyes, the tears that I had tried to hold back fell. “No. No. The time to talk was last night… or even when we woke up. I’m done talking about that night.  I don’t want to ever talk about it again. Do you understand how hard that was for me?  And you just left. You left. So no, if what you have to say has anything to do with anything that I said, I don’t want to talk. If you can’t handle that, I can’t be with you.” I took a shaky breath after the words left me.

He took a step back. I saw the pain and hurt in his face. An emotion I couldn’t quite put my finger on crossed his eyes. His eyes looked glassy as he removed his hand from mine and rubbed the back of his neck.
The silence was heavy in the room as we stood at a crossroads in our relationship. 
We’ll either be together on my terms or broken up on his,
I thought as I wiped the last tear from my face.

Ty walked to the living room and then walked back to the kitchen.  He stopp
ed directly in front of me and cupped my face.  He brought his face close to mine and I could barely hear him when he whispered, “Okay.”

“Okay, what?” I questioned with my heart racing.

“If I have to choose, I choose you. If not talking about it is what you want—what you need, okay.” His voice was thick with emotion.

“Okay,” I said feeling a mix of emotions. 
We’re still together, but he left. How can I trust him to not run again?
I asked myself.

As if reading my thoughts, Ty
wrapped his arms around me and said, “I’m not going anywhere baby girl. I had some stuff to take care of at the office and I was planning on coming right back. But I ended up falling asleep there. I just—I should’ve never left to begin with . I realized it when I woke up.”

I wanted to believe him. Looking in his eyes,
I knew he was being truthful. There was so much sincerity, so much affection. But the feeling of waking up alone after baring my soul was too fresh. I nodded but I didn’t say anything and fortunately, the oven beeped to announce the chicken was done.

We ate at the bar in silence. I was consumed by my thoughts
as I reflected on the last 24 hours and he seemed to be consumed by some thoughts of his own.  He picked up our plates when we were done eating and put them in the dishwasher. While he was doing that, I went to the couch and cut on the TV.  He sat beside me.  He seemed hesitant to get too close to me.
Which is fine with me because I keep going from wanting to kiss him to wanting to kick him,
I thought with a shake of my head.

Flipping through the channels, I saw that Coming to America was on.
I stole a glance at Ty and he was already looking at me.  He smiled. I smiled. And I felt like we would be okay.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he said quietly, extending his hand
toward me.

“Sexual Chocolate,” I returned softly, taking his hand.

Chapter 12
 

After watching Coming to America, Ty
left to play basketball and hang out with Bennett.  I spent the rest of the day cleaning the loft only stopping once to speak with Ty when he called.  He seemed to understand when I said I needed some space for the day, but I also liked the fact that he called anyway to check on me. I didn’t let him know that though. By time I finished folding my last piece of laundry, it was already 10pm.  Feeling emotionally spent, I cut all the lights off and headed upstairs with my sleeping pill.

Looking at the time, I
checked my email.  I knew there would be one from Emily and I didn’t want Ty to be around when I read it.  I hovered as I always do over Emily’s emails while sending a prayer.  I double clicked it and quickly skimmed it, looking for any key words that indicated that this was an email to delete.  Satisfied that it wasn’t, I read the email slowly and thoroughly.

Sahara

Hey, how are you? I’m good, happy. I’m really looking forward to seeing you soon. I don’t know if you’ve made arrangements but you could stay with me instead of paying for a hotel.  I could also pick you up from the airport. I have news that I would love to share with you in person so stay with me, please. Love you! Miss you! See you soon!

EM

Maybe it’ll be like old times,
I thought nervously as I wondered what facing thing head on with Emily would be like.  A weekend with her would definitely have me on edge. But I faced things head on with Ty and it didn’t kill me. It hurt like hell, but it didn’t kill me.
But I haven’t ruined Ty’s life yet so the stakes are higher with Emily,
I thought suddenly, jarring me back to reality.

I took a two week vacation because I know I’m going to need time to get myself
emotionally prepared to be in Thomasville, to speak at the hearing, to see Emily…and Emanuel…and Mr. and Mrs. Mills.  I planned on spending the first week of my vacation in Richland getting mentally prepared.  Mr. McMannus would be back in Richland to go over my trust so we would go over what I needed for the hearing. I’d fly to Thomasville on that Saturday and I would return early Tuesday morning. I imagined that I would spend the rest of my vacation days picking up the pieces after an emotionally draining weekend.
Either way, this is going to hurt, might as well rip the Band-Aid all the way off,
I thought as I started replying to her email.

Emily

As always, I’m glad that you are well. I decided that I will stay with you, thank you for your generous offer.  I arrive at Thomasville General Airport on June 15
th
at 5:30pm. 

Love you always

Sahara

I shut the computer down and
listened to the erratic beating of my heart.  With my adrenaline pumping at the idea of going to Thomasville, I needed to occupy my mind so I decided to read the art and entertainment magazine that had arrived a few days ago. 
I can’t believe it’s already June.  Time is flying by,
I thought as I looked at the summery cover photo. Somewhere between reading 10 things not to wear to a fashion show and an editorial on the Maryland art scene, I nodded off into a dreamless, restless sleep.  The emotions of the day (and night before) must have taken its toll.  I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing—at 7am.

“Hello?”
I asked, my voice deep from sleep.

“
Hey… did I wake you?” Ty said

“
You did. But it’s okay. What’s going on?” I yawned.

“Sorry about that. I have to tell
you something but I want to tell you in person. It doesn’t have anything to do with what was said Friday night, I swear. I’m going to take a shower and then come over…if that’s cool with you.”

“It is.”

“Alright, I’ll see you in about 20 minutes.”

“Okay
. Make it 30.”

“
That’s fine. How did you sleep?” Ty implored gently.

“I slept.”

Ty hesitated, “Okay. See you in 30.”

“
Okay…Bye.”

“Bye,” Ty hesitated again.

I held the phone to my chest and thought about the conversation that took place
.  The difference a day makes,
I thought as I rubbed my eyes and stretched. Things between us had been weird since our squabble.  I hadn’t seen him in 16 hours, but one thing was for sure: I missed him. 
And clearly he missed me if he needed to see me at 7am
!
I thought hopefully.

The last time we saw each other, things were awkward. 
Usually we would flirt and laugh our way through a movie we’d already seen, especially our favorite movie.  But we sat on the couch in silence.  After we quoted the movie initially, we didn’t speak again until after he got off the phone with Bennett and he told me about their basketball plans. I took that opportunity to encourage him to spend time with his best friend for the rest of the night.  I just needed space to get my feelings and emotions in check. 

Our connection was still there, but our vibe was off.  The silence was awkward and the only thing that reassured me was our tightly clasped hands.  It was as if we were
holding on to each other for dear life. We held hands until he got to the door to leave and then we hugged for at least five minutes.  I didn’t want to let him go and from the way he gripped me, he didn’t want to let go of me either. Of course I avoided his eyes when we finally let each other go.
The way he looks at me makes me want to blurt out my feelings.
But I can’t risk it. If Friday night was too much for him, a continuation today wasn’t going to help anything
, I thought irritably.
I just wish it wasn’t so awkward
.

I climbed out of bed and hopped in the shower. 
Deciding that an early Sunday morning meet up only warranted black leggings and hot pink Frankie Says Relax T-shirt, I slipped into my comfortable clothing.  I was downstairs in record time.  Putting the IPod on the docking station, I found a song that fit the way I felt.  Looking out of the window at the city, I sang “Lovesong” so loudly that I didn’t hear the knock at the door…or when Ty came in using the spare key that he apparently forgot to put back. Singing the last note, I heard him put down the key on the hall console.

“Wow,”
Ty said.

I spun around, “How long have you been standing there?”

“Through most of the song. Wow. You have an incredible voice,” he proclaimed.

“Thanks,”
I said and turned back toward the window.
Why did he have to hear that song?
I thought feeling completely exposed.

I heard him
make his way to the couch.  I could feel him staring at me. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. The silence was killing me, but I didn’t know what to say to make this situation less awkward.

“
You sung that like you meant it,” Ty observed as I heard his pants softly scrape across the leather as he sat down. I kept my back toward him as I looked at the few joggers and dog walkers that passed below. He continued, “Did you mean it?”

“
That’s one of my favorite songs. How was basketball?” I responded, clearly avoiding where he was headed in his line of questioning.

“
Basketball was interesting. It always is with Bennett… we had words. He, uh, he told me he went out with Whitney Friday night. And that he saw you Saturday morning.”

I rolled my eyes
at the mention of Bennett.  “Yeah… I saw him.” I turned around to look at him. “Can I ask you a question,” I continued without waiting for his response, “how are you two friends?”

Ty laughed, “Yeah, he
can be an asshole. But to tell you the truth, he’s not always like that. We’ve been friends since we were in 4
th
grade. He is the most loyal and honest friend I’ve ever had.  His family is like my family.  He can be an asshole but he’s always had my back.” He patted the cushion next to him and I begrudgingly pushed myself away from the window and sat down on the couch.

“
We played a pick-up game. And we talked.  He told me about Whitney and about the coffee shop run in yesterday morning.  So we had words…again. I think he thinks he’s looking out for me. But I’m sorry on his behalf. I’m sorry.”

I nodded, “
He creeps me out.  I understand how it is to grow up with someone, be that close to someone, be best friends with someone.  But he creeps me all the way out.”

His jaw clenched before he responded,
“Yeah, he hit on you again. That’s what we had words about.  He has this theory—well long story short, he thought he was helping. But I set him straight and it won’t happen again. But I wanted to say, I’m sorry.” He leaned his head back and groaned, “I feel like all I’ve been doing this weekend is apologizing.” 

The way his
chestnut brown eyes gazed up at me melted my heart a little bit.  He looked sad…and tired. “No need to apologize for the coffee shop. It’s him, not you,” I shrugged. He smiled.

Curiosity getting to me, I attempted to nonchalantly ask
, “What is this theory?”

With a humorless laugh, he said, “
He has always been convinced that he could sleep with any woman he wants.  So his twisted theory is if he could pick you up, he would know you weren’t good enough for me or something along those lines.”

“So in order to prove something, he was
purposely a complete asshole? Like some sort of trap?”

“
The second time, Saturday morning, yes.  The first time, no. That was just him being an asshole,” Ty shook his head.

“Why on Earth would he think something like that would work?”
I sputtered, the shock evident in my voice.
What kind of woman would pick Bennett over Tyree Barker?!
I thought incredulously.

“B
ecause it has,” Ty said simply with a shrug of his shoulders.

“What?!”
My mouth fell open in complete shock and horror.

“Growing up, we were always together. We were
like brothers and to some women, we were interchangeable.  I work a lot and I’m not as easy as he is so I was very picky about who I spent my time with. Him, not so much,” he said with a hearty laugh. 

“So
the women he would chill with didn’t think twice about trying to chill with me.  And the couple of times I did meet someone who understood my work ethic and was interesting, he would hit on them without me knowing.  After the fact, he’d come to my place and tell me what he did. One of the women went home with him.  But because I was never really into anyone more than I was into Motive, it didn’t bother me.” He looked into my eyes and said, “But now things are different.”

“You are
the ideal man. You are kind and funny and successful and handsome. I mean, look at you! How could anyone choose Bennett if they had you?” I burst out, confused.   Realizing what I just said, my entire body heated up. 
I went from denying that I was singing about him to literally singing his praises! What. Is. Wrong. With. Me?
I thought as I averted my eyes from him. I could feel him looking at me, but I fought the urge to look back. “I’m just saying. You’re not the asshole he is,” I finished with a flippant tone, trying to cover.

“That’s all you’re saying huh?” Ty said with a laugh.
He still looked tired but not as sad.

I
eyeballed him and fought a smile before I said, “That’s all I’m saying.”

“
Yeah okay,” he smiled. “Well just so you know, I feel the same way about you. You are the complete package.”

Unabl
e to hold it in, I quirked my lips into a smile and blushed.  With a forlorn look in his eyes, he continued, “I don’t want to lose you Sahara. And yesterday…it was good to see Bennett, but I couldn’t focus on anything but you. And after we were done hanging out, I just wanted to come home to you. When you said you needed the day to think, I gave it to you, but it took everything I had not to come here last night.” His voice was gritty and strong.

“I just needed to get myself together. This
has been an emotional weekend. But you are not losing me,” I explained, putting my hand on his.
Because I’m in love with you,
I thought but didn’t dare admit.

We were both quietly assessing each other.
His hand stroked my face as he studied my features.  I leaned my face into his hand with my eyes closed. “Did you sleep okay?” he inquired.

“I
missed you,” I admitted without hesitation.

“I missed you too,” Ty kissed my forehead.  After a moment, he
nervously said, “I wanted to tell you something. But first, I have to know…that way you were singing that song seemed personal...what was that about?”

Momentarily, I thought of deflecting again. But then
I opened my eyes and found his. My heart swelled and I felt the butterflies in my stomach.  I know he saw it in my eyes so I figured I might as well admit to it. “You,” I blurted out, getting drawn into the look he gave me. My heart beat so loudly, I could’ve sworn he heard it.