Back to Life (25 page)

Sahara Lee: Hey, how are you?
Just wanted to check on you.  Haven’t heard from you all day.

I realized suddenly how much I missed him.  Ty
gave me strength. Ty made me happy.  Ty wasn’t complicated. 

Tyree Barker: Been with my lawyer most of the day. Call you
later. I love you.

Something is up.  He’s been with his lawyer all day…on a Sunday? Yeah, he
is keeping something from me. Since we’ve met, we’ve never gone this long without talking.  But I’m in no position to ask him about it right now.  When we both get back to Richland, we’ll talk. I’ll tell him everything and hopefully he’ll do the same,
I thought as I typed my response.

Sahara Lee: I love you too :)

Although the text conversation was brief, it was just enough of a reminder that Tyree Barker was my present.
And Emanuel Mills is my unresolved past,
I thought out of the blue. I looked up and saw Emily watching me. 

“What’
s with the look?” she asked as she paused near the wall dividing the kitchen and living room. 

“I have a confession to make,” I hesitated as she brou
ght the tea into the room.

Sitting the cups on the table, she said, “Oh
! Do tell!”

“Well, when I told you about the guys I’d dated in Richland, I didn’t tell you about the only significant relationship I’ve ever been in. His name is—.”  A sharp knock on the door stopped me in mid-sentence and halted Emily in mid sip.  We
both looked at the door and then back at each other. “Are you expecting company?” I asked.

“No
… I even told Anthony today that tonight was all about me and you. I rented movies and everything.” She made her way to the door as a second series of knocks rained down on the door.   My heart started beating fast and in my gut, I knew it was him.

“Manny, I told you we were having girl time tonight. What’s up?” Emily reminded her brother with annoyance from the cracked door.

“I know. It won’t take long. Five minutes, tops,” Emanuel pleaded with her.

“I don’t even know if she wants to talk to you.” Emily folded her arms and
cocked her head to the side.  After giving Emanuel a silent stare, Emily glanced at me. I gave her a slight nod as I stood up. With a sigh, Emily opened the door all the way and said, “You have five minutes. I’m going to change and then Sahara and I have movies to watch.”  She turned on her heel and left the room.

“Hi,” I said shyly.  I was embarrassed by my reaction earlier, especially knowing that
I’m in love with Tyree
.  I shouldn’t have gotten an attitude with him
, I thought regretfully.

“Hi,” Emanuel’s tone mirrored mine as he made his way into the living room. 

“I’m sorry.” I shook my head and closed my eyes briefly. I knew I needed to say what I had to say without getting sucked into his eyes. “I shouldn’t have gotten an attitude with you about Ashlyn.  That is your business and your decision to make.  I should’ve been more supportive and I shouldn’t have snapped at you.  All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

He stopped on the other side of the
couch; we were only separated by a cushion length. “Sahara, look at me,” he demanded.  My eyes met his and that familiar pull that I’ve always felt when around him took over my body.  I felt drawn to him and as he got closer, I could feel the electricity between us.  I sucked in a quick breath at the sensation. 

“First, I want to apologize for
what happened earlier.  That’s not… I don’t even know what to say. Ashlyn is…”  I sat down on the couch; he took his jacket off and sat down next to me.

“You don’t have to say anything, Emanuel,” I said quietl
y with my eyes closed. I rubbed my temples and when I opened my eyes, I continued, “But she was rude and insufferable.”

Emanuel scoffed,
“To say the least.” Taking my hand, he apologized, “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner.  I didn’t want to tell you like that.  And I’m sorry about her. She won’t ever speak to you like that again.”

“I don’t plan on seeing her ev
er again, so that’s inconsequential to me. But I appreciate your apology on her behalf.”

“I don’
t either.”

“
You don’t what either? I’m not following.”   I squinted at him in confusion.  In the silence that followed, I became increasingly aware that he was still holding my hand.  The rough pad of his thumb stroked the inside of my hand and wrist.  My skin burned at his touch.  I watched the path his thumb was taking and I felt my heart skip multiple beats. 

“I don’
t plan on seeing her ever again either,” he enunciated each word as his fingers squeezed mine.  When I looked up, I could see the intensity in his eyes.  The grey captivated me and I got lost in them. And immediately, I lost all train of thought.  He looked as if he were quietly assessing me as I struggled to think straight.

“You don’t plan on seeing
her again?”  I repeated slowly, trying to understand.  The sound of my heart drummed loudly in my ears.  All I could hear was blood rushing through my veins. 

“No. I don’
t.” His voice was strong and sure. Just like his touch.

“Are
you engaged?” I asked, still trying to wrap my mind around what he was saying.

His eyes closed and his face looked crushed as his head tipped downward slightly. He opened his eyes as I began speaking.

“So what Ashlyn said was true…” My sentence trailed off as I saw the shift in his eyes.  I removed my hand from his.

“We’ve
been dating for a couple of 2 ½ years. In January she purchased a ring for herself and told me to ‘shit or get off the pot’… and I didn’t get off the pot. And since I didn’t leave, she took that as a sign that we were engaged.  I never asked her to marry me. But after a while, I don’t know.”

I didn’t realize I wasn’t breathing until I exhaled loudly. He turned toward me, folding his long leg on the cushion between us.  “
If I’m being completely honest, I didn’t think I was ever going to love anyone the way I loved you, so I didn’t think there was any point in delaying the inevitable. If I didn’t have you, I was always going to end up with someone I wasn’t completely in love with. You know the saying…if you’re not with the one you love, love who you’re with.”

I felt the tears burning my eyes but I refused to let
them fall. Biting the tip of my tongue, I didn’t say anything.  I focused on my breathing as he continued, “I’m used to her. I care for her. And most importantly, I was trying not to be the person I was for the majority of my twenties. So I just…went with it.  You should’ve seen the look on my mom’s face.” He ran his hands through his hair and each perfect strand fell back into place.

“My mom thought I was miraculously healed or something w
hen I was still with her after a couple of months.  She pulled me aside and told me how worried she was about me and how much it meant to her that I was finally settling down.  So the longer I stayed with her, the better my mom felt about my life.  And I thought maybe…maybe I would eventually fall in love with Ashlyn.”

I cleared my throat in an attempt to remove any trace of heartache from my voice, “I’m confused… didn’t you just say you didn’t plan on seeing her again?  Because it sounds like you not only plan on seeing her again, but you plan on spending the rest of your life with her.” 
Even though I tried to sound like myself, my voice sounded small.

He nodded
his head and then he put his arm on the back of the couch behind me.  “I had accepted my fate and was going along with it until Em said you were coming back. I’ve tried not to think about you Sahara.  I’ve tried to move on with my life.  But when Em said you’d be here for the hearing, I stopped having the desire to fake it with Ashlyn.”

I closed my eyes tight for a moment
and he paused.   I could still feel him looking at me as he said, “And then when I saw you yesterday, I knew for a fact I couldn’t marry her. Not if I had a chance with you. I will break things off with her right now, if I can be with you Sahara.” He fingered one of my curls as he spoke.  With my eyes closed, my senses were heightened and I could feel his gentle touch to my hair all over my body.  I opened my eyes to try to stop the onslaught of feelings Emanuel drudged up in me.  Tucking the hair behind my ear, I watched his eyes as they followed his fingers through my hair.  His fingers brushed past my ear forcing a chill to run down my spine. Our eyes locked and I licked my lips.

“Okay
I got distracted so you ended up getting a few more minutes out of me. But your time is up Manny!” Emily yelled from down the hallway.

He looked deeply into my eyes and held my gaze for a second.  “
Em, can we have another minute?” Emanuel yelled back.

“You have literally one minute. Sixty seconds and then I’m coming in there. Your time starts now!” Emily grumbled in response.
  She slammed her bedroom door closed for emphasis.

He exhaled and ran his hand
through his hair before he started again, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Ashlyn.  I’m sorry Ashlyn showed up before I had a chance to tell you myself.  But I didn’t think I’d ever get a chance to say what I said to you.  I didn’t think I’d ever get a chance to hear your reasons why.  I didn’t think about anything in the park today except you and how I feel about you and how spending one-on-one time with you feels. I was going to tell you over dessert, but I should’ve been up front with you about it.” He took another deep breath and gently grabbed the back of my neck, bringing me closer to him.  My heart started fluttering and I felt woozy. We were practically nose to nose as he whispered, “I love you. It’s always been you and it’ll always be you.”

My mouth opened as I let out an
involuntary whimper in response.  My heart yearned to say the words back to him and that made my stomach drop. 
Can you be in love with two people at the same time?
I thought as his lips just barely grazed mine.

“Okay, time’s up!”
Emily yelled from down the hall, jolting us from our moment and I immediately drew back from him. We created space between us as we heard Emily run down the hallway. Wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt with I Know I Can Dance emblazoned on the front, Emily marched over to Emanuel and pulled at his arm. “It’s time for you to go. I’ve been generous with sharing my best friend, but we have girl talk and movies lined up for tonight.  We’ll see you tomorrow Manny.”

We both stood up and Emanuel gave me a lingering look.  “Okay sis. You can have her tonight.”  His
emphasis on the word tonight resonated deep inside me because it held so much promise.  My lips still tingled at the remembrance of his lips briefly leaving their mark.  For the second time in as many days, I inadvertently thought about how the kiss was way too short.

“Okay, let’s pick up the pace Manny. You’re stalling!” Emily was smiling as she moved
toward the door.  Emanuel followed behind her and I trailed behind him.  Stopping suddenly, Emanuel turned and scooped me up in his arms.   

“Ah!
Stop!” I giggled as my feet left the floor and I wrapped my arms around his neck.  “Put me down!”  Emily smiled at us and leaned her head against the door.

With his mouth pressed up against my ear, he whispered, “Think about what I said.
I’m yours if you want me. Just say the word Sahara.”

I closed my eyes and relished the feeling of being in his arms.  There were many nights that I fantasized about being in his arms, but this was real life and it felt so much better.  “I will,” I murmured as he slid me down his body slowly.
  I looked up at him and something intimate passed between us.  I could see it in his eyes as he stared at me and I could feel it in my heart.

“Bye Sahara.” Emanuel winked at me before turning around. 

He gave Emily a quick hug and said, “I’ll meet back here early so we can all ride together to the hearing.”

“Sounds good.
We’ll call in the morning. Bye Manny!” Emily stressed the goodbye as she closed the door lightly on his heel.

“Damn, I’m leaving,
” Emanuel laughed and his eyes sparkled.

Emily closed the door behind him and turned to look at me with her grey eyes wide. 
“Spill!”

Chapter 24
    

“Damn Sahara…” Emily’s grey eyes were expressive and her mouth was fixed in a semi-permanent “o” for the last two hours as we discussed the complication that was my love life.  We missed the entire movie because we talked straight through it.   I tried to hold off on telling her, insisting that we watch the movie she rented for us.  About fifteen minutes in, Emily insisted and once the floodgates opened, we couldn’t stop. “So, on one hand you have Tyree who makes you feel like a new you and on the other hand you have Manny who makes you feel like the old you.  Damn girl. So, between you and me, if you had to pick, who would you choose?”

“And that’s what’s getting to me,
Em. I am so in love with Ty. This last month with him has been the happiest I’ve ever been.  He accepts me for exactly who I am and he is perfect for me, you know?   In that totally clichéd way, he completes me,” I laughed. “I know how that sounds, but there’s no other way for me to describe it. I’ve never felt this good or this healthy before in a relationship.”

“And he is hot! Show me the picture again,” Emily laughed.  I
held my phone up and showed her the picture I took of Ty in New York.  He was shirtless, standing on the balcony of our suite at The Hotel Plaza Athénée. It was early in the morning and the sun was rising behind him in the distance.  The picture looked like something from a magazine—unobtainable sexy model in front of a picturesque backdrop. But it wasn’t unobtainable, it was real.  It was mine.  I smiled at the memory of that weekend, last weekend.  It felt like an eternity ago.
I miss him,
I thought as my heart clenched.

After handing me my phone back, Emily hesitantly asked, “And Manny?”

“Is engaged!” I spat out in disbelief.  “I’ve loved Emanuel for the majority of my life.  He was my first love.  He was who I compared every man to before and after the accident.  No one was able to get him off my mind. And Lord knows, I tried so hard to let him go. I tried not to love him anymore since I was never coming back to Thomasville. But my heart and my mind refused to let him go.  No man ever had a chance because they weren’t him.”  My head fell into my hands as I felt overwhelmed. “Until I met Ty.”

Emily exhaled a deep breath and we sat in silence as we considered my
predicament.  I wiped a rogue tear that escaped from my tightly clenched eyes. “You don’t have to decide anything now.”  Emily rubbed my back comfortingly as the hum of the music from the DVD menu played on a loop. 

“I think we should probably get some
rest.  We have to wake up early tomorrow,” I whispered into my hands, shielding my face from her troubled stare. 

She was silent for a moment before she said slowly, “You’re right.  We
need to get some rest for the hearing tomorrow.  I’m glad you’re here Sahara.”  She wrapped her arms around me pinning my arms to my sides as I continued to cover my face. 

“Me too
Em.” And I was.  I missed girl talk.  I missed having genuine friendships.  I missed participating in my best friendship. 
I’ve missed Emily,
I acknowledged silently as I untangled my arms to return the embrace. 

“Are you going to sleep okay?”
The worried look on Emily’s face made my heart swell. 
I’ve wasted all this time thinking she resented me for ruining her life and all she wanted was for me to be to her what she’s always been to me,
I thought.  Sadness welled up inside me.

“I’ll make it.” I gave her a small smile.

“Grab a bottle of water and meet me in your room,” Emily said as she hopped up and ran down the hallway. 

Collecting myself and gathering my emotions, I followed her directions.  S
topping briefly to cut the DVD player and TV off, I exited the living room.  I walked into the guest bedroom and Emily was sitting on the edge of the bed. 

I held up the bottle of water
to make sure Emily saw it before placing it on the end table.  I turned to my luggage and pulled a pair of yellow yoga pants and a matching green and yellow tank top.  Throwing it on the bed beside Emily, I kicked off my shoes. 

“I want you to tak
e one of these. It’s so you can sleep,” Emily said as I walked toward her.

“What is it?” I asked as I studied the small, white pill
in the palm of her hand.

“It’s a sleep aid,” she answered quietly.  “I used to have insomnia.  Now I only occasionally need help sleeping so my psychiatrist prescribed me a sleep aid.”

“I didn’t know you had trouble sleeping,” I replied as I took a seat next to her on the bed.

“Only occasionally now.
  But it used to be bad.  Therapy helped. A lot.”

I took the pill out of her hand and placed it on my tongue. Taking a swig of water, I swallowed it with ease.
“Down the hatch.”

“You should be able to sleep through the night with that.” She stood up and walked to the door.  “If you have nightmares and panic attacks while you’re sleeping often, you should consider going back to a therapist.  I love you. Goodnight.”

“I know. I love you too Em. Thank you, Goodnight,” I said as she closed the door softly behind her.  I changed into my yoga pants and tank quickly and climbed into bed.  The events and revelations of the day took a toll on my body and I was just ready to go to sleep.

I
went without therapy because I felt if I had nightmares, I deserved to have nightmares. I ruined the lives of everyone I loved.  My guilt kept me from continuing therapy. But having Emily suggest therapy changes things... maybe I should see someone again. My life is a mess right now. I have to speak at the hearing tomorrow morning. The man who took everything away from me, who stole my wild and crazy years by rear ending us, may get out early if we can’t convince the panel that he deserves to serve his full sentence.  And if that didn’t complicate things, I think I might be in love with two different men.  Tyree and Emanuel. I love them both so much and so differently.  I loved Emanuel first.  He was and will always be my first love. He knew me and loved me as the person I was, the person I always hoped to one day earn the right to be again.  He knew me before my baggage. He knew my dad and my dad loved him. He is a part of my family.  And Tyree… I love Tyree.  He knows me and loves me as the person I am now.  He makes me feel special. He listens, he cares, he’s patient, and he gave me the strength to even be here. What am I going to do?
I groaned to myself before sleep settled atop me. 

“Good morning sleepy head!” Emily’s voice sounded chipper.  I sniffed and smelled
bacon wafting in the air.  I felt a cold hand rub my arm and it made me jump. “Oops! Sorry! I just washed my hands.”

“Good morning,” I greeted her groggily.  “What time is it?”

“It’s 7am. We need to leave at 9 so we can meet with Mr. McMannus before the hearing starts.”

I yawned as I stretched out in the bed. “Yes ma’am.” My voice was still thick with sleep as I pushed the comforter down off of my body.

“Breakfast will be ready in soon! Get dressed!” Emily bounced out of the room, closing the door behind her. 

I lay in bed for a few more seconds before it hit me:
I slept through the night!
I looked at the clock to confirm the time and I sat up in the middle of the bed.  I rubbed my face roughly and looked back at the clock.
Wow,
I thought.
I slept through the entire night.  I didn’t wake myself up once. And considering what I have going on in my love life and this hearing, I am shocked.  Maybe Emily was on to something with the sleeping pills.
 

I climbed out of the bed slowly and dragged myself to the bathroom.  I felt like a zombie as my legs felt heavy.  After a long, hot shower, I began to feel like a normal human being again
.  Once I dried off and did my hair and makeup, I was back to my old self. “And it only took 45 minutes,” I mumbled to myself in the mirror. 
Sleeping pills may not be the answer after all,
I thought as I went to the closet and pulled out my courtroom attire. 

Easing a
pair of Marc Jacobs black slacks over my lace clad bottom, I made it to my phone on the third ring.

“Hello?” I answered,
feeling slightly uneasy because I didn’t recognize the number.

“Baby girl…” Ty breathed into the phone.

“Ty!” A smile warmed my face and heart as I instantly melted at his nickname for me.

“
Baby girl, meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. You are my life and I would do anything for you. You know that right?”  His voice sounded strained and painfully low.
Oh my God, did something happen to him? Did he cheat on me at the bar? Is he breaking up with me?
I fretted with worry as my heart sank and my smile faded.  Something had changed.  I knew I wasn’t in any position to question him seeing as how I was ensnarled in a love triangle that he knew nothing about.  But that didn’t stop my heart from breaking with each accelerated heartbeat.

“Ty, what’s going on?”
I asked slowly, trying to catch my breath.

“I—I can’t talk.  I just
…called to say that. And to hear your voice.”

I felt the panic rise from the pit of my stomach up and through my chest. “
What happened?  I don’t understand. Ty…what’s going on?” I implored as I sank onto the bed because I was unsure of my ability to continue to support my weight.

“I can’t talk Sahara.
I’ll explain everything when I get back home, okay? But know that I love you. I love you more than anything.”

The tears rolled down my cheeks at his words.  I was so confused and I hurt for him.  I hurt for myself as well, but the pain in his voice sliced me open.  “I love you too Tyree.”  The phone disconnected and I was left sitting on the side of the bed feeling numb. 

“Sahara!” Emily yelled from outside the door. “The cinnamon rolls will be done in 15 minutes.  Will you be ready by then?”

“Uh huh,” I responded, scared to use actual words.  Because of the lifelong bond we shared, Emily would have instantly picked up on the fact that I was upset. 

“Okay cool. I’m going to get dressed. If you hear the timer, please take them out! Thanks!” I heard her footsteps patter away.

Taking deep breaths I focused on my breathing, taking myself through my breathing exercises to ward off the impending panic attack.  I held back the remaining tears and got myself under control. 
One crisis at a time,
I thought as my tattered heart returned to beating at a normal pace. 
I just need to make it through the hearing today and then I can focus on Ty,
I encouraged myself, even though just the thought of his name caused my eyes to water. 

I put on my
Victoria’s Secret black chiffon halter top and eyed it in the mirror. 
I can just make out my lacy plunge bra through the sheer fabric,
I considered as I shifted from side to side.
I’ll just keep my jacket on,
I decided silently as I reached for the Marc Jacobs white tuxedo jacket with black piping and trim.  I touched up the little eye makeup I used and removed any trace of my tears.  I removed Ty’s birthday gift to me as I forgot to take it off before bed.  I fingered it before squeezing it between my thumb and my forefinger.  When I felt the sharp sting of my skin on the brink of breaking beneath the stone, I dropped the beautiful necklace into its velvet box. 
One crisis at a time,
I repeated to myself as I heard the timer on the oven go off.

Quickly putting on my Chanel pearl necklace and earrings, I walked out the room in my slippers. 
I took the cinnamon rolls out of the oven and placed them on top of the stove.  I cut the oven off and walked back down the hall into the bedroom.  Before I could shut the door, Emily walked out of her room.  Her heels clicked loudly as she got closer to the guest bedroom.  I had just sat down on the bed when she knocked on the door and poked her head in.

“
You ready for breakfast?” Emily seemed nervous as her eyes twitched a little and her smile seemed off.

“I’m not really hungry. Are you?” I asked quietly as I slipped on my white Prada pumps with a black crisscross strap around the ankle. 

“No. Not really.” Emily opened the door all the way.  She wore a pale pink pencil skirt with a navy blue shirt with pink and white polka dots.  Her shoes were adorable navy blue kitten heels.  Emily’s hair was braided into a crown around her head.  Her makeup was light and she looked effortless.  

“You look really pretty,
Em,” I said bringing a smile to her worried face.

“Thank
s. You do too. You always look so pulled together. We’re a hot pair,” Emily commented with a wink.

“Agreed.”

There was a knock at the door and we both exited the bedroom and headed to the kitchen.

“Be right there!” Emily yelled.  She turned to look at me and mouthed “are you okay?”

I nodded and took a deep breath.

“Good morning
Manny,” Emily greeted her brother.

“Good morning Emily,” Emanuel said from the doorway. 
He walked in wearing a navy blue suit and white shirt and tie.  The blue made his eyes look like steel and his hair was slicked back.  My mouth went dry when I saw him.