Back to Life (26 page)

“Good morning Sahara,” his voice quavered a bit as he took me in. He cleared his throat before he added in a stronger voice, “It smells great in here.”

“You want breakfast? There’s plenty,” Emily said as she walked into the kitchen.

“Yeah of course,” he re
plied. His eyes never left mine.

I inhaled noisily as I tore my eyes away from him.
I can’t handle this right now,
I thought as I frantically looked around for something, anything to look at that wasn’t him. My breathing became increasingly labored as I realized there wasn’t anything in the room that demanded my attention more than his beautiful face.

“Sahara…” Emanuel
started and then he stopped, just letting my name hang in the air.  

“Emanuel, I can’t,” I whispered
.  I tried swallowing past the lump in my throat.  I turned and went to the guest bedroom.  I closed the door behind me and leaned against it.  Catching my breath, I walked over to my luggage and pulled out my small black Lanvin shoulder bag. I transferred the contents from one handbag to the other.  Picking up my phone last, I looked at it again. Double checking the calls and text messages, I verified if Ty followed up with an explanation.  He hadn’t.

Taking a deep breath and feeling calm and together, I
quietly walked back out into the living room. I could hear Emily and Emanuel fussing in hushed tones in the kitchen.

“Engaged Emanuel?!”
Emily whisper-yelled.

“Like I just said
Em, I just went along with it.  I thought…I didn’t think okay? I wanted to tell the family in May, but then the mess with the hearing popped up and you announced that Sahara was coming back and I just…I just freaked.  I didn’t want to make an announcement about an engagement when the only woman I’ve ever imagined myself with was coming into town.  We have enough shit to deal with today.  So just drop it,” Emanuel snapped.  His voice sounded equally tired and annoyed.
Oh wow…
I gasped to myself. I tried to get closer by inching along the wall.

“
Well I will say this and then I will drop it. You marrying Ashlyn is a mistake.  Things may work out with Sahara and things may not.  But regardless, we, as a family, would rather see you happy than to see you settle.  What if—”

“We don’t have anything else to discuss Emily.  I love you, but you don’t know shit about what I’m going through. 
I love Sahara and if there’s a chance, I’m taking it.  You know how I was.  You know what I went through.  If I can’t get over her, I have to try to have her.” Emanuel’s voice was determined. 

“You need to give her some space Manny.”  Emily’s voice was softer and kinder.  “You think a weekend at home will get rid of the guilt and pain she’s lived with for
the last ten years? You know how long it took us to get to where we are…multiply that by the fact she has no living family except us and she thought we hated her up until Saturday.  A weekend isn’t going to fix her brokenness, Manny.”

Even a
fter all these years, Emily understands me only the way a sister can.   I love her for understanding my situation and for seeing me, all of me, and all of my pain,
I thought as I brought my hand to my chest.  I rubbed the spot above my heart.

Emanuel was unnaturally quiet before I heard his resigned voice.
“I know.”

Emily followed up quickly, “You two have a lot of love and history there.
  It’s so obvious there’s still something between you two.  And if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. But you can’t blindside her with an engagement and then a borderline ultimatum and then expect her not to freak out before the hearing,” Emily pointed out with her voice slightly elevating. 

Emanuel didn’t respond but I could almost imagine him running his fingers through his hair with his face tight.  “She’s my best friend and I’ve missed her terribly. I will no
t lose her again because you don’t know how to handle your love life,” Emily stated in a firm voice.
No matter what happens, I will not abandon Emily again,
I promised myself quietly.

Emanuel said something I couldn’t make out so I took a step closer and the floor creaked.  The creaking sounded as if it was in surround sound and I di
dn’t want them to know I was eavesdropping so I walked normally and forced a cough.

“Sahara, you ready?” Emily called out from the kitchen.

“Yes,” I responded and I waited by the door for them. 

Emily walked out of the kitchen first.  Her smile was small and her eyes were sad.  Emanuel followed
her out of the kitchen a moment later and he avoided eye contact with me.  The angular lines of his gorgeously handsome face were drawn tight.  I momentarily stopped breathing when our eyes met.  There was a desolate look in his eyes that made my heart drop.  I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t.  It was as if the hurt and pain I’d felt in losing him was being reflected back at me through his eyes.  You could’ve heard a pin drop because it was so quiet.

Emily s
ighed irritably, “We need to go guys.  The hearing starts in less than an hour.”

Emanuel tore his eyes away from me as I gathered the withering strength I had.  Although the reunion
with the Mills family had been amazing, the real reason I was in Thomasville hit me like a ton of bricks.
Here goes nothing,
I thought as we walked out of the house and clambered into Emily’s car. 

Chapter 25
   

The area surrounding the courthouse was old and rustic looking.  Across the street from the courthouse was a diner that looked straight from the 20s.  To the right of the courthouse was an office building and tucked beside it was a small museum that was in need of an outside overhaul with its rickety wood paneling. The signage was so small, I almost missed it. To the left of the courthouse was a tree lined park with beautiful landscaping.  The area had an unmistakable charm which is why it had remained almost unchanged after all these years.

Entering the courthouse, t
he dull cream and brown tiles and dusty cream walls gave the overall appearance of drabness.  The redheaded security guard checked our belongings and ushered us through the metal detectors.  After we rounded a corner, the remodeled area of the courthouse came into place.  Still utilizing wood and brown, the more modernized area exhibited glossy finishes and richer colors.  It was like night and day.

“The front of the courthouse and
this part is like night and day,” Emily observed as we found the hallway to courtroom E and its adjoining conference rooms and meeting spaces.

I smiled at her and reached out to squeeze her hand.  She squeezed back and we walked to the hallway with our hands clasping one another.  Emanu
el walked ahead of us, only looking back when he was making a turn and wanted to ensure we were still following him.  Emanuel hadn’t said anything since I heard him talking to Emily in the kitchen.  He was slightly withdrawn… more like the Emanuel with whom I grew up.  I felt horrible for reverting him back to his introverted ways, but I couldn’t focus on him while I was about to face a reality I spent the last ten years avoiding.

After knocking on one of the conference room doors, Emanuel opened the door to find Mr.
McMannus, Mr. Mills and Mrs. Mills at a large conference table.  Papers were spread out and they were concluding some business. 
My business,
I wondered. The papers were gathered and put into neat piles as we made our presence known. 

“Hey Mom, Dad, Mr. Mac,” Emanuel greeted each of them with a respectful head nod as he clo
sed the door behind us as Emily and I walked through, still hand in hand.  We released hands and went to dole out hugs and greetings. Mrs. Mills looked elegant in a turquoise knee length shift dress with matching heels.  Mr. Mills wore a black suit and a turquoise shirt and tie.  I smiled at how cute Mr. and Mrs. Mills looked together. 
Love,
I unexpectedly thought as my smile faltered.

After the pleasantries were
exchanged, we got down to business.  Mr. McMannus took a swig of coffee before beginning his explanation, “You all look nervous, but I want you to just relax.  All you have to do is tell your truth, your version of events.  As victims and family of the victims, you will be in the courtroom the whole time.  You will be called upon one at a time to recount the events under oath.  Chris Cole will also have the opportunity to have someone speak on his behalf.  I spoke with Chris’s lawyer, who is also his new step father, Grant Collins, and he disclosed that there will be someone speaking who has been subpoenaed by the court to speak.  So there’s that person and there’s the character witness. If these witnesses so choose, they will also have their lawyers or representatives present.  There will be a panel to whom you will speak to—they are the parole board.  I know each of you have prepared statements.  If you have them, you can read off of the paper.  If you don’t, just speak from your heart.”

“Robert, what about Cole’s
witnesses?” Mrs. Mills asked quietly. Her hand was visibly shaking and Mr. Mills placed his hand over top of hers to steady it.

“The witnesses will speak about who the
Chris was ten years ago and who is he is now,” Mr. McMannus spoke in his soothing Southern drawl.

“So there are
two people on his side?” Emily asked, her pretty face drawn into a tight scowl.

“Not necessarily. This is where it gets a little murky,” Mr.
McMannus revealed. “The character witness who will speak about Chris today is undoubtedly someone recruited and vetted by Cole and his team.  The witness from the night of the accident was someone the judge located and court ordered to appear.  It’s highly irregular but with the high level of publicity this case is generating, I’m not surprised.  Apparently this witness wasn’t called upon during the trial but the judge feels as though the witness’s testimony will add perspective. But there’s no indication if that will help us or them.”

Emanuel jumped up and started pacing behind me and Emily. 

“Are you kids okay?” Mr. Mills asked us from across the table.

We were eerily quiet before Emanuel spoke up, “Yes.”

“Emily? Sahara?” Mr. Mills deep baritone voice rang through the silent conference room.

“I’m okay Dad,” Emily said quietly.

I nodded in response. My throat clenched and I couldn’t speak.  I couldn’t breathe. I closed my eyes and gripped the edge of the polished wooden table.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, inhale. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale,
I repeated to myself.  I was in the zone in an attempt to ward off my panic attack.  I didn’t immediately realize I was asked a question.  All I could hear were the directions I was giving myself.  I didn’t register that my chair had been swiveled around until my fingers attempted to clench the edge of the table and I only felt air.  I came out of my daze and incredibly intense grey eyes gazed at me.

“Hey beautiful…you’
re okay,” Emanuel whispered from his crouched position in front of me.  He held me at the nape of my neck and his forehead was pressed against mine. His eyes were so grey, bright and open, they drew me in.  I wanted to fall into their depths and make the pain go away. 

I threw my arms around Emanuel’s neck
and leaned forward to hold him close.  He continued to speak to me in a hushed tone and I felt his lips brush against collarbone.  His hands stroked my back as Emily walked back into the conference room with a bottle of water.  Putting the bottle of water in my hand, Emily stared at me over Emanuel’s shoulder.  His hands unwrapped from behind my back, trailing across my hips and down the side of my thighs.  I looked up at him when he stood and I saw the adoration in his eyes slowly slip away and his features hardened.  My breath hitched as he gave me one last lingering look before he left the conference room.

Suddenly, the room seemed loud.
  Emily, with her face full of concern, asked if I was okay.  Mr. McMannus wanted to know if I was able to speak and breathe.  Mr. Mills rubbed my shoulders before he shuffled out of the room to look for his son.  Mrs. Mills wept softly and kept repeating a prayer over me as she stroked my hair. 
What have I done?
I thought miserably.  The thin shred of confidence we were relying on to get us through the hearing had been unraveled by me, because of me. 

Mr. Mills walked back in the room with Emanuel—both of t
heir faces were hard as stone, but when they looked at me, their expressive eyes emanated grief and sadness.  Suddenly I was hit hard with the realization.  I was broken, but so were they.  And although I focused for so long on how I ruined their lives, their focus was on how they lost me. 
What did I do to deserve these people?
I thought as I looked around at the concerned faces surrounding me. 
We have to get through this for all of us; we have to get through this for my dad.

“You don’t have to do this Sahar
a,” Mr. McMannus pointed out quietly. “If it’s too much, you don’t have to.”

Gathering myself, I stood from the chair.  I started quietly, “I am so blessed to have each and every one of you in my life.  Even when I didn’t realize it, you have
always been there for me.  I’m so sorry I’ve worried you all. But I will get through today. We all will. We will get through this for my dad. He always took good care of me. And that was never more evident than in the fact that he put you all in my life.  My dad…” I wiped my eye and took a deep breath, “My dad…” I couldn’t continue. It hurt too severely. Tears dropped unabashedly from my eyes before I bit the tip of my tongue to reign in the emotions. 

“Malcolm
was a great man,” Mr. McMannus insisted as he patted my shoulder on his way to the closed door.

“He was my best friend, my brother
from another mother and the funniest man I’ve ever met,” Mr. Mills announced with a smile as he kissed the top of my head and shifted out of the way of Mrs. Mills who was holding his hand.

“Let’s not forget how brave a
nd kind he was,” Mrs. Mills cried with a smile, causing my eyes to fill with unshed tears.  She pulled me into a one armed hug and held me the way mothers hug their children.

“Uncle
Malcolm was amazing.  He gave great advice and he treated us like princesses,” Emily spoke up as she squeezed between her mom and me so she could envelop me in a hug.  The three of gave weepy laughs as we were tangled in a group hug.

“I hate to break this up
but we need to head to the courtroom,” Mr. McMannus stated.  He opened the door and Mr. and Mrs. Mills hurriedly followed him.  Emily followed behind them, leaving Emanuel and I trailing behind.

Emanuel grabbed my hand as I walked passed him.  I turned to look at him and he pulled me back into his body.
My breath faltered as he pressed his forehead against mine, cupping the nape of my neck with his fingers, and gazed into my eyes.  His woodsy scented cologne invaded my nostrils and awakened my senses.  Emanuel smelled rugged and outdoorsy.  He smelled like the motorcycle riding, base jumping, rock climbing, badass who’d successfully kept my heart aflutter all weekend. But the familiar gleam in his eye looked was the Emanuel I grew up with, the one I fell in love with, the one I’d been in love with for the majority of my life.

“Your dad created the lo
ve of my life. And for that, I’ll forever be grateful,” Emanuel whispered.  Our lips only centimeters apart, but with his whispered words, the heat washed over my lips and traveled the course of my body.  He might as well have kissed me because his words had the same effect. 

I knew my dad loved and approved of Emanuel. 
If my dad was alive, he’d want this,
my subconscious instigated, willing me to close the gap and kiss his lips.  It felt good and familiar to be in Emanuel arms, but I needed space to think, still stinging from the confusing rejection of Ty.

“Emanuel…” I wanted to push him away.  Not because I wasn’t attracted to him
, Lord knows my body was tingling from his touch.  But because I didn’t want to hurt him…or Ty.  Even though it sounded like our relationship was over this morning, I needed to figure out what was up with Ty.  And Emanuel had a fiancé…regardless of him telling me he’d end it with her, he was still with her. And despite the drama with both of them, I loved them both fiercely.
I don’t think either of them would appreciate me telling them I’m in love with two men,
I groaned inwardly. “Emanuel,” I repeated, not really saying anything.

“You don’t have to say anything Sahara. I just wanted you to know what I treasure
d most about your dad.  And to let you know that I’m here for you.  We will get through this.”

I melted at his words.
“Thank you Emanuel. It means a lot to me to hear you say that.  You mean a lot to me. I love—.”

“You two need to come on. We don’t
have much time before we start,” Mr. McMannus proclaimed from the door.

We pulled a part and Emanuel gestured for me to go ahead of him.  The three of us headed into the courtroom quie
tly and we slipped into the back row with Emily.  I sat between Mr. McMannus and Emily; Emanuel sat on the other side of his sister.  Mr. and Mrs. Mills wanted to sit near the front, so they did. I tried to put on a brave face, but I didn’t feel ready to face the past or my nightmares.  After receiving a small, reassuring smile from Emily, I felt a little more confident in my ability to get through it.

Time seemed to accelerate as the clock approached 10am.  In an attempt to slow it down, I took in my surroundings.  I glanced around the courtroom.  The large windows to the right of me allowed beams of sunlight to stream into the wood and cream room.  I could see a park in the distance—kids were running and playing, carefree.  The smell of
fresh polish and waxed floors were overpowering. About 10 people, not including my group, were spread about the courtroom.
The room felt too large and I closed my eyes to shut out the feeling.

“I thought it would be fewer people,” I whispered to Mr.
McMannus, my voice hoarse.  I opened my eyes as I listened to his response.

“
The four men and women up front are part of the parole board.  The one in the brown officer uniform is a prison guard.  The one in the blue officer uniform is Thomasville Police.  The man with the pinstripe suit is Cole’s stepfather/lawyer. The woman in red is his case manager.  The woman in pale blue is Mrs. Cole.  And sitting at the table facing where the parole board will be seated is Chris Cole.”

Upon hearing his name, my eyes shifted to the youthful looking man with a shock of curly brownish blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail.  He was speaking with his stepdad and I could see the wide span of his forehead and the hag
gard look of his face.
He still looks like a teenager,
I thought mystified as Chris Cole turned his head slightly to look at us.  His thin lips twitched into a slight frown and then he turned his head quickly.