Back to You (53 page)

I feel my cheeks burn and my ears ring. The next several minutes drag on in the same tense and frustrating way. I try to focus on economics, but not even game theory manages to capture my attention. Professor Keynes is forced to repeat the question about the Prisoner’s Dilemma twice before I realize that he is addressing me. He asks students randomly from the beginning of the lesson in preparation for the upcoming final. Vuk tells me the right answer under his breath and then acts as if I do not exist. I thank him with a whisper. He answers with a look, sweet, I think. But I’m not sure. Sometimes, out of the corner of my eye, I catch him watching me, yet he keeps his distance. And I go back to my notes. Moments later, Tess comes up beside me. I decided to play dumb.

“Need help for the notes from class?” she giggles. “Vuk is staring at you again.”

I turn without thinking and Vuk’s eyes flash bright in mine, clearer than ever. Immediately, he averts his gaze and rubs his eyelids to maintain control. I lower mine, instantly. I am frozen next to Tess, in total embarrassment. I try to seem indifferent.

“Who knows what’s wrong with him today?” I whisper, to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I see her still looking toward
that
desk. I turn my head to follow Tess’ gaze until Vuk is staring at me and, under his mustache, he smiles. His expression is neutral, as if he had looked up involuntarily when she said his name, but had already decided not to respond. Beside me, Tess does not stop smiling. She tickles my ear.

“He wants your attention,” she whispers amusedly, in a friendly tone.

Vuk meets my gaze with his crooked smile. I look at Tess.

“He doesn’t seem angry, right?” I can’t help but ask softly. While I’m talking to her I sense his probing eyes on me. I take a quick look at Vuk but he has already turned to look out at the classroom.

“I wouldn’t say so, at least not with you,” Tess says softly. She pauses, and I turn back to her. Then she continues on enthusiastically.

“Should he be? More than anything it seems like he wants to tell you something…”

Tess’s perception, as usual, is the most insightful. I keep my eyes on the ground.

“Stop watching him,” I whisper awkwardly, and she turns away begrudgingly.

Curious, I cannot hold back for long. I peek at him out of the corner of my eye, and see that he has resumed staring at me, but without scrutinizing me. His expression is slightly frustrated; I lower my gaze again, and he turns to look elsewhere. Tess realizes it.

“I’ve never seen him behave so strange,” she says. “I’m sorry, but has he walked into a light post, or gotten hit in the head with a brick or something?”

So I was not the only one noticing it. It is clear, this is not Vuk’s usual behavior. I bite my lip to keep from laughing, sure that he’s heard everything. His eyes have turned back to the classroom, but his cheeks are raised as if he was smiling too. Suddenly he turns and his gaze meets mine, and this time his expression is daring. I seem to notice that it is strangely somber, almost melancholy, and yet pleasant.

The sound of footsteps approaching calls my attention away. I look up in surprise to see that while Professor Keynes is lecturing, he’s walking between the rows and stops in front of us.

“Wolf?” He asks, looking for the answer to a question that I didn’t hear.

“The Nash equilibrium,” Vuk answers. “Neither of the two competitors can improve his position by adopting a different strategy,” he explains, and shoots me a look. He is referring to something else. I keep staring at him.

“Is there anything that you would like to share with us, Mr. Wolf?”

Vuk looks back innocently.

“Certainly. The theory put into practice,” he responds and hands over a worksheet, before having had a chance to practice in class.

Professor Keynes examines the exercise on a crumpled piece of paper. It’s a precise and perfect transcription of his lecture in the most imperfect of notes. He walks away, frowning. My Vuk is a genius rebel.

Free from the weight of his eyes, I turn back to my notes and try to collect my wits. I cannot allow him to influence me in this crazy way. It’s unhealthy.

I work off Vuk’s strange behavior by the end of the lecture, but then the excitement flares up again. While I steal a glance at him, he jumps up quickly just as the bell starts to ring. I pop up from my chair and drop all my notes on the floor. By the time I bend down to collect them, he is already at my side and has already stacked them. He hands me the papers. He is serious, and frowns.

“Thanks,” I say timidly.

I reach out to get them, and put them on the desk. He responds with a slight nod of the head, his eyes narrow into two slits. He steps back from his place in a smooth movement giving me an curious look. He turns away slowly. Before anyone else has had a chance to leave their seats he is already out of the room without looking back.

The door swings open, and the cold wind that instantly fills the room from an open window in the hallway blows the sheets on the desk and ruffles my hair. I rush to the door and run to catch up to him. I figure there must be some other reason he’s acting this way; something must have happened before I was in the parking lot this morning. It’s hard to believe that Vuk could give me the cold shoulder in such a sudden and intense way. His strange behavior must due to a totally different reason. It must surely be related to the meeting with Donn yesterday in the library. I slow down and stop behind him.

“Vuk?” I call out.

“Yes?” His voice is melodious. He turns to me and slows his fast stride gracefully. Again that smirk, the color of his eyes flaming.

“So you’ve decided to start talking to me again…” I murmur, showing my emotions.

“Not really,” he admits. “You’ve started talking to me first. I have just answered” He holds a laugh that vibrates softly in his chest. I reorganize my thoughts.

“Are you staying for lunch?” I ask cautiously.

His chuckle stops.

“Maybe another time,” he says with his raspy, velvety voice. He does not seem very convinced. “I’m sorry. But it’s better this way, really.”

“Why not today?” I repeat. I’m not giving up. I wait for an answer, angry and anxious. Incredibly, it seems that Vuk is holding back another laugh.

“I have to relieve Drake” he explains patiently. “Like yesterday. Remember? “

“Sure, sure. But…” I hold my breath.

“Please, Stella,” he interrupts.

I have to go. Now.” I feel every moment we’re becoming more distant. “Forgive me,” he murmurs retreating inward. His hands sit tensely on the edge of the pockets of his Diesel jeans. As he is about to leave, Tyler’s warning surfaces from my lips.

“Vuk, you have to be careful…” I suddenly blurt out. My voice sounds strange. He raises his eyebrows. He seems even more surprised.

“Careful about who?” He is apparently confused by my question. Now it seems that he wants to mock me.

“Of the rangers and traps they laid,” I say with my head down, the anxiety weighing me down like a weight around my neck. The words, and my voice, have caught him again by surprise.

“Don’t worry,” he murmurs. He seems sincere. “We know how to look out for ourselves.”

I raise my eyes a bit, just enough to observe him better.

“Don’t worry?” I reply without letting my guard down, incredulous. “Vuk, they have laid traps!”

“We already know everything,” he says, his low voice reassuring me. “Drake is keeping an eye on them. They’re just complicating things and in this way they run the risk of letting Adam escape.” He’s poised and restrained. “Did you want to tell me something else?”

I close my eyes, inhaling deeply and I realize I am starting to grind my teeth.

“No, not exactly” I lie, softly. “Never mind. I realize that today it is impossible to hold you back. Thanks anyway.” I close my eyes so it is easier to talk to him without losing my train of thought.

“Okay, then.” He is ready to take off. Just one look at his face is enough to make me sink down in disappointment. I rush to find something to say.

“Can I come and see you in Wolfeboro?” I ask anxiously, with a smile. “We are leaving now and in less than two hours we’ll be there.” His back is turned. I can sense he’s torn and I keep staring at him.

He stiffens and turns slowly with more conviction. At this very moment, Vuk’s eyes dart like flashes and meet mine. When he decides to respond, he seems to have given in to a madness that I think comes from pain.

“You cannot come to see me,” he snarls sarcastically, like Drake the night before. I’ve already heard this. I close my eyes slowly.

“Sorry,” he starts again softly, and frowns disheartened. “I am being very rude, I know.” For a moment I seem to catch a glimpse of the young werewolf , heir to the royal house of the Wolves. “See you tomorrow in class,” he concludes, coldly.

I stare at him, full of indignation and bite my lip to keep from blurting out accusations, ready to flow out.

“Vuk…” My mouth fills up with his name, in the hope that he will have second thoughts. “I know that…”

“No,” he quickly says. “You know nothing!”

“I mean that…”

“But, you do not know what it means!” He interrupts me. He pronounces each word slowly, as if to make me understand and he seems to be speaking about something else. I think about it a moment.

“But you know it,” I manage to say. “You know, so tell me. Go on, please.”

He gives me a piercing look; full of torment, then controls his anger. He is on the defensive.

“It’s better if we don’t go any further. Let’s stop here,” he says. “Trust me.”

I shiver with fear and feel goose bumps down my arms.

“You know, you’re right,” I say. “I don’t understand what you mean. Did I do something wrong?”

“No.” He opens his eyes, surprised. “What could you have done wrong?” He seems only curious, and somewhat dissatisfied. “To tell the truth, I should only blame myself.”

“Too bad you didn’t realize earlier that you didn’t want me to be a part of your new life.” I retort.

“Do you think I regret bringing you to Wolfeboro, to my house, in the territory of the wolves?”

“I don’t think so. I know so. I just don’t know why.” I mutter.

“I’ll let you know when you can come back,” he explains with sudden urgency. He steps back, hardening his face and finds control again. “Now I have to go, Stella.”

He whispers my name sweetly and moves away from me, watching me for as long as he can, as if to tell me something. Maybe he is trying to say what he cannot give voice to. I feel pale. For some reason, my mood and eyes are holding on by a thread, as usual. My glance doesn’t last more than a second as the cold wind coming through the window brings a chill.

Vuk turns on his heels without giving me any further attention and heads back down the hall. I cannot let him go. I move toward him to feel closer to him. Sad and desperate, he turns slightly and gestures me to keep back. It is his gaze that stops me. The golden glow of his eyes blinds me. And in the instant our eyes meet, his expression is no longer somber and insolent as it was five minutes ago, in class. The suffering that I see in him is so great that it deepens my emptiness. The impatience is gone and the pain explodes across his face; a feeling that would have tormented me if I hadn’t seen him still smiling.

When the bell rings again, Vuk slips away from the now empty corridor with the same confidence and grace as before. I watch him until he disappears quickly down the stairs. I’m amazed by his stride, that of a perfect athlete. He moves in a way that draws attention.

I believe the distance he’s forcing between us is due to Donn. Or, who knows, maybe Vuk has changed his mind, as I feared. He decided to follow my advice and not waste more time on someone who can’t reciprocate his feelings.

I shudder and cross my arms across my chest, as I stand in the hallway, unable to go back inside the classroom. I remain still, motionless, watching Vuk out on the street through the open window, marching on. He nervously lights a cigarette and strides across the parking lot without ever turning to look back. I begged him to. I was hoping that there was a chance.

There isn’t a hint of hesitation or a moment of uncertainty. Nothing at all. Is it so easy for him to hurt me like this? I feel worse than when he almost killed me. I would prefer physical pain one thousand times to this excruciating torture! It will never cease to break my heart. Fixing cracks is possible, but they will remain visible. And the cracks, creased between one broken splinter and another, become chasms. They are permanent marks on my body -like tattoos- that can and will shatter me. I have a bad feeling that it will happen again soon and I don’t want it to. I’m afraid of ending up back in the cold iron grip of pain, as if I were held prisoner by a pair of rusty shackles. I fear that the people I love can feel the same pain with me, or worse, in my place. That I could never tolerate.

“Hey? Stella? Are you coming to statistics?” I hear a female voice behind me. It’s Tess. Next to her is Seth. Every time I see him, I can’t help but notice how much he looks like Ronald, Scott’s neighbor.

Absent, distracted to say the least, I go back to look down the corridor, my ears burning hot. I tell myself that there is no reason to feel guilty about Vuk. I haven’t done anything wrong.

“What’s the matter Stella?” Seth asks. I feel Tess’ hand wrapping gently around my shoulder.

“Nothing,” I say softly. For once, I turn pale instead of blushing like I did in class.

“Is there something wrong?” Tess asks, tugging at her sweater.

“Actually, I don’t feel so good,” I say, looking down.

Tess immediately understands that my bad mood is caused by my interaction with Vuk. Seth, however, glances at me doubtfully and asks me several more times how I am. I reply that everything is well, but in the meantime I wonder if I should just go ahead and pretend. I wonder if I should spend the next hour hiding in my car holding my knees against my chest.

I decide to honor the promise I made to myself. I am not allowed to skip any more classes. I already skipped too many days in September and October. I don’t really want to walk into the classroom with someone else, as usual, but Tess and Seth have statistics with me. I go back to my desk and start gathering my things slowly, trying to contain the anger that I have, glancing at Vuk’s empty place and try to keep myself from crying.