Back to You (51 page)

I’m speechless.

I finally get into bed and I snuggle under the covers. It is less dark than last night. The light filters through the thin clouds. I turn in the sheets and close my eyes while holding the pillow.

It’s Vuk’s fault that I fall asleep crying. His kiss has fueled the fire of past emotions and memories and has melted my defenses.

Tonight I have a new dream; the sun shines on Vuk and me as we are sitting on our familiar wood trunk stranded on the sandy lakeshore. It’s a whole tree stranded there, roots and all. Our corner of paradise. He’s not my familiar Vuk. He’s the
new
Vuk. Bitter. He mumbles something and leans over to pick up a black stone from among the white ones at our feet. He throws it decisively on the water, with grace and precision.

While I stare at him, his face changes slowly. He reminds me of someone else. His fair complexion becomes pale and his eyes turn blue, then emerald, then blue again. My hand runs through his soft hair and as I caress it, the color turns from dark to golden. His face becomes perfectly god-like, enough to stop my breath. I reach for him anxiously but he backs up and pushes me back, his hands forming a shield. He vanishes, and Donn appears suddenly. He crosses the distance between us in a flash, like a fireball, and leans firmly into me. His lips touch my neck.

I wake up screaming at the top of my lungs. I wipe the tears from my eyes and feel panic get a hold of me. While trying to wake up, I see that it is early morning. I hold my pillow close and stretch out a little. I don’t know how long I’ve been crying. I sit up and wonder if Jeff is coming to check on me. It was not the usual scream of terror, but a deeper one. One of torment, of deep pain, deep-felt. I feel the soft cotton against my skin to help chase away the memory of the dream. I see that my father is not coming through the door. I control the urge to scream again and fall back on the bed, turning my back to the window.

Later, I hear Jeff leaving to go to a benefit golf tournament with Scott. He leaves before I get up and certainly will tell Scott all about last night, about my meeting with Vuk in the woods behind our house. Certainly Scott will tell Tyler. I arrive at school and turn into the parking lot, stopping close to the entrance. I see the red pickup above the other cars, parked in the same spot. I pull in next to it, as usual. I glance beyond the windshield and see that he’s not leaning against the car door, waiting for me.

After parking, I swallow hard trying to dissolve the knot that has been stuck in my throat since last night when I let him go. I have the feeling that he’s slipping through my hands and I can’t do anything about it.

I hear someone tap the side the side of the car. I look up expecting to see Jamie, but I see Vuk. On his face I see bitterness, and I hate it. He was already there, waiting for me, I just hadn’t seen him. I smile at him and sit and stare at him, speechless.

I open the door to greet him and realize that he’s in a bad mood. As usual, when the backpack is too heavy for me to carry, he takes it from my hand and we start walking, in silence. A silence that continues along the path takes us to our finance class. I already know why he’s in a bad mood. I hesitate to ask him why. The meeting with Donn is this afternoon, in the library. I feel impatient, as well as fearful. How long is this going to go on? The hesitation in Vuk’s eyes is not a good sign.

I keep waiting for something to happen, instead of protesting, as I would like to do. This is not working, and it’s not getting better during the class lecture. His bad mood seems to get better during class. But he still does not seem ready to discuss the matter.

I think back to last night, and I feel strange. He realizes it. I feel his left arm against me. It’s so warm that even the cold room temperature does not bother me.

If he’s hoping that our relationship can turn into more than a friendship, maybe I haven’t made myself clear. I will have to disappoint him. How can I make him see, in what other way? Maybe I should be more explicit. After all, I know that I cannot distance myself from him.

He’s silent and preoccupied, perhaps with thoughts that may resemble mine. Could he be changing his mind? I didn’t even think about lying, instead I should have. But I realize that lying would have been bad, and I would have hurt him. At this thought my heart shrinks, and Vuk presses his arm harder against mine.

Sometimes out of the corner of my eye I see him staring at me. He looks at me secretly but he does not say anything. I am afraid my head is going to explode any minute now, so I turn past the invisible boundaries between desks and look to Tess and Jamie. Suddenly I hear a piece of the desk creak and I turn to Vuk.

“We only have this one desk to sit at.” I say, calmly. “If you break it, not only do we have to pay for it, but we’ll also be out of a place to sit until they replace it.”

He looks out the window, in the direction of Medford, and remains silent for a few moments.

“Now, not only does he come to check on you when you’re out, but he’s also thinking about taking you out tomorrow night.” Vuk’s whisper is so low that Tess, seated only two desks away, cannot hear him. I think he’s talking to himself but his words are so intense that Jamie, sitting near me, turns around surprised.

I stare at his left hand, the one closest to mine.

“He’s not controlling me, he just came to see me.”

“As you wish,” he blurts out, and grabs the desk in a way I think he might break it apart. Then he lets go, finger by finger, while he concentrates hard and puts one hand into the other to remain calm. “Come on, it doesn’t matter after all.” I say, patiently. He looks up.

“Please tell me Stella…do you like me?” He asks in a calm tone as if he already knows the answer.

“What?”

“Do you think I am, say, handsome?” he asks, fearlessly. I sigh. It’s hard to find the right words.

“Yes, and you know it, too.” I answer. While I try to sound normal, he can sense a little anxiety. Nothing was more important than Vuk Wolf this last year of my life, but ever since Donn has appeared on the scene, Vuk seems determined to ruin everything and complicate things. He looks around.

“You like me more than all the human guys you know.” Here comes his arrogance again. “More than that jerk who worked with you behind the counter.” Bryan. “Even more than Tyler,”

“Yes” I nod. The smile that appears on his face is like the moon when it shines through thin clouds. Now I wish I would have stopped my tongue and I regret having said that. Furthermore, I never thought I wanted to fall in love with him.

“But there is nothing more,” I say quickly and turn silent. I risk hurting his feelings but if I don’t try, it would be too selfish. Will I be able to take this, too? He smiles at me.

“It’s ok, you know. It’s enough for me to just know this, for right now.” His eyes sparkle above his smirk. His eyes glisten with topaz for a moment.

“Vuk, I am not going to change my mind,” I warn him. I can’t stand the thought of hurting him, but I can’t avoid it to be clear about how I feel.

“I know, for now. But I’m ready to chase you forever,” he promises.

“It’s not worth it,” I rush in to say.

I need him too much and I’m selfish. Never would have I chosen something that would be against his well-being. He shakes his head, disappointed and disapproving while wrinkles appear on his forehead.

“It’s up to me to decide,” he says sharply.

“I’m serious, Vuk. Do not expect anything other than friendship from me.”

He deserves so much more than a difficult friend full of faults.

“I will try,” he says calmly and shrugs, but it’s not a promise. His voice has become rough.

“Are you ok?” I whisper.

“No, He gets on my nerves.” He means Donn.

“Relax,” I suggest. “I think the feeling is mutual.” A spark flies from his emerald eyes, as if lightning has struck out of the blue sky.

He smirks, gets up from the chair, and starts walking away as if some upsetting, impending doom has come back to mind. Judging by the sudden run to the exit, he has no intention to stay for lunch.

“Where are you going?” I ask, feeling empty. “You don’t have to, Vuk.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” he says softly. I’m surprised to see that he has come back and taken back his seat next to mine. He probably still has some time before lunch and has to sit through his statistics and history classes.

“Please don’t go,” I insist, and he looks at me with reproach. “I’m so sorry.”

He silences me with his fingers on my lips.

“Vuk…” I whisper trying to move his hand away. It’s a weak attempt. It’s hard to believe that I’m really trying.

“You’ll be able to speak when you stop talking nonsense,” he nods, smiling.

“It’s ok, I won’t say it. But, beware!” I warn him as he moves his hand.

He looks up and offers a broad smile as a peace offering. I stare sweetly at him for a few moments. I hope he’s not doing this just to reassure me.

“Where is Drake?”

“He’s in Wolfeboro. He’s surveyed the woods and has spent part of the morning at the border. He’s checking to make sure that no one crosses it. I’m going to take over for a while.”

“Don’t stay out too late tonight. You need your rest, you can’t keep pulling double shifts,” I add with a hint of anxiety in my voice.

The lecture seems to go on longer than usual and I’m impatient. Is it because class needs to finally come to an end, or because I want Vuk to relax? He remains rigid and still, and he doesn’t even seem to breathe. What is wrong with today’s meeting in the library with Donn? He’s never acted this way. Maybe he’s holding on to some resentment from last night. I look in his direction, subtly. He’s checking me out, his green eyes marked by dark circles and agony.

I reopen the argument, or better, I tiptoe around it during the history lecture, which is covering the Revolutionary War. What a strange coincidence.

“Do you want to come over a little later? Just for a little while? So you can rest.” I have to find a plausible reason to invite him, because he would not come under another circumstance.

“Why are you asking me? You know that Jeff would not appreciate it.” He answers sharply.

“It just so happens that Jeff is golfing until dinner time, and…” I smile, “I need my friend.”

He seems to soften up a little.

“What do you want to do? Listen to music, talk or…?”

“Let’s watch a movie,” I say decidedly.

He looks at me strangely.

“A movie, on a Tuesday?”

“Yes.”

“What movies do you have that we can watch? I can’t remember.”

“Well, let’s see. I will make sure I have a good selection. What do you say about watching the zombie one? Maybe we can watch a movie we have not seen in a while.”

“May I drive?” He asks. That is the condition.

“Okay.” I answer, relieved. “Sure, yes!”

“Agreed.” He says, calmly. The lecture is still going but he gets up from the desk and is about to leave the classroom.

“Well, I’m going.” He whispers. “
He
is waiting.” He stares blankly without blinking. He points through the window to the massive building made of white stone on the main campus street, behind Fenway Park.

“No, stay here. You promised you would always stay.”

“Exactly.” Vuk leans up against me and whispers in my ear. He feels he has to go to the meeting for my sake. “I also know this…
I know it’s for always
.”

He shows my favorite smile, but I know there is something wrong. I try to hold him back by his arm. I feel his skin burn as it comes into contact with mine. He delicately moves my hand away and walks away taking big steps toward the library.

“I’ll wait for you by the office,” I say casually, trying to understand why he is so preoccupied.

“Good luck with the rest of history,” he nods. “Remember, you are in the middle of a battlefield.” He smirks as Professor Staffler is still in the middle of his lecture.

“You’ll see, I’ll get there before you do.” Vuk pushes the door of the lecture hall wide open to leave and stares at me for an endless moment. His topaz irises brighten my face for a quick instant, as they look at me one last time.

The Wait

A couple of
hours later, I’m back on the familiar road that leads to Jeff’s house, heading toward the office. I’ve lowered the windows as I speed through the traffic of the city, enjoying the wind on my face. It’s a cloudy day, but dry. Perfect weather for Boston.

Considering my worries, and feeling the urgency to speak to Vuk about the result of today’s meeting, the drive home goes by in moments. On the right side of the road I see a man walking, holding a lit cigarette between his fingers. I’m a few yards from the office. With surprise, I realize the man is Vuk. He looks strange, and is alone. He is walking on the sidewalk, his head hanging low but his shoulders squared. He’s headed to our appointment, but halfway there he shakes his head in a perplexed way, and changes direction.

Very unusual.

He disappears on a side street, as if he has changed his mind. I attempt to follow him and for about 15 minutes I drive looking for him blindly through the narrow streets of the district, calling his name every so often. Finally, I find the main street I came from right before running into Vuk. I’m relieved to have found him, and I slow down to approach him by the side of the road. He has seen me, I’m sure. He raises his eyes as he hears the noise of the car approaching. His expression does not surprise me, it scares me. The wrinkles on his forehead reveal his preoccupation with something that is terribly wrong. I am afraid that that mysterious part of him has overcome the friend I met with last night, and he’s hiding something underneath his rough exterior. His eyes stare gloomily in mine and I pull over.

“Hey. Hi, Vuk.”

“Hi, little girl.” He greets me sadly, without enthusiasm. “Are you ok?” he asks. His voice is low and dry.

“Yes, I’m ok. And you?” I ask anxiously.

He reaches the door handle and taps his fingers against the side of the car.

“Great,” he mumbles and takes a hit from his cigarette. He speaks in such a low tone than the noise of the engine covers his voice. I move closer to him.

“Can I give you a ride? A movie, the couch, rest…remember?”

He thinks about it and lets go of the handle.

“I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“Why?” I frown.

“Drake has discovered fresh tracks this morning. He’s sure that Adam has taken refuge at the border in the Vermont mountains to spy on our movements. He knows we’re hunting and looking for him and believes that he’ll be back. Noah and Jeremy have gone to help him.”

He hesitates for a moment and I think he’s hiding something. There must be another reason why he wants to be away.

“I’ll stay with you in the parking lot then I’ll get in the pickup and I’ll go back to Wolfeboro. Did I spoil your afternoon?” He asks with a sideway smile, still bitter. He goes around the car to the passenger’s side to get in.

“No, I had no plans. Anyway, I’m not a fan of modern zombies.” I say as he jumps in. “Did you go t the library?”

He puts his hand on his knee and holds it tight. He looks out the window.

“Yes, I’m just coming back from Boylston Street.” He sighs as he reaches over to hug me. I nestle against him as I ask him to tell me about it.

“I went to protect what is
mine
. Nothing else.” He says in a nervous and gloomy tone. He tightens his fist.

We keep staring at each other for a long time, silently. I rest back in my seat. If looks could speak. I turn on the engine and drive off.

“Was it just you and Donn?” He turns and leans out the open window letting the wind run through his hair.

“I think Graham from his family was also there,” he says, staring at me. His trepidation is reflected in my eyes. It is the hundredth time I hear people talking about the Council, and I still shiver.

“What did you talk about with them?” My words are unclear, my jaw is clenched. “I don’t want you to have anything to do with that family. I don’t understand how Donn could affect you in this way. You’re acting strange…”

“He was…open-minded,” Vuk interrupts. His arms are tense, his shoulder stiff. “He appeared to be very understanding about
something
I care a lot about. That I can’t do without. So we have arrived to an agreement.”

His tone is stern and leaves room for no further questions. He can’t relax for the rest of the drive. I am able to see the fist on his leg, the tense muscles under the pale skin, the tendons on the back of the hand. He can’t even relax those.

We approach our destination almost silently, when I hear a song on the radio, the same one he dedicated to me the night of Jamie’s party.
Angel
by Aerosmith. I want to change the station. It reminds me of things I can’t bear to remember at this moment. The memories envelope me and affect me dangerously, in an irreparable way. Turning the radio off would allow me to interact with Vuk in an easier way.

“May I?” I ask clumsily, leaning over the display.

He looks at me, notices my unease, and smiles.

“Sure, go ahead.”

I fuss with the buttons until I find a station that is playing something harmless. Vuk senses my anxiety as a new rock song fills the inside of the car. My head bops a little, out of sync with the music.

We’re back near the main entrance of the parking lot. In the near distance, I can see the first few buildings of campus. Then everything fades away, I can’t drive anymore and I let the car slowly drift to the side of the road. I fall back on the car seat, sick to the weakness I have been fighting since the history lecture. It’s worst than I thought and it strikes me with surprising intensity. I was right to keep it hidden from my classmates. No human can see me in this state.

Vuk says nothing while I cry and complain and I begin mumbling his name and crouch down in the seat. He reaches me within moments. The car door opens suddenly and he takes me in his arms.

At first I feel even worse. Every moment that goes by, there is a small part of me getting bigger and louder, that wishes to be in someone else’s arms. The guilt I feel intensifies the pain, but even this feeling runs its course and dies down.

Vuk takes me home in my car. He can barely keep his eyes on the road but the wheels stay firm and steady, about an inch away from the double line that divides the two-lane road. He holds the wheel with one hand, and my leg with the other. I curl up against his firm chest as he holds me tight. He doesn’t even try to get my old car to go over the speed limit. He is a good driver while he stays under it. He makes it seem effortless. One of his many good qualities.

At times he glances at the clouds along the horizon line and looks over to me, at my face full of tears, my messy hair flowing in the wind coming through the window. I can’t stop crying despite his presence. It is because of me that he feels he has to keep the agreement. What if someone gets hurt because of my weakness? I can’t even think about it. What if I were courageous and let him… No, not even. I can’t let him take chances. He parks on the driveway and takes my face in his hands.

“Stella, what’s wrong?”

The mask of a heartless werewolf has fallen away to reveal my Vuk, as I have always known him.

“If I said something I should not have earlier, please know that I was talking nonsense. Are you ok? Don’t cry, Stella,” he begs.

I try to keep my composure.

“I’ll stop now, not gonna cry anymore.”

“What did I say?”

“It’s not your fault. It’s just that, well, it’s me. And you did something you shouldn’t have.” He keeps staring at me, wide-eyed and confused.

“Please, don’t fight at the ceremony.”

“Stella, I mean… are we still talking about the cage?”

“I will never consent to it.”

“No one asked you to.”

“How can I convince you to stay away from it, to withdraw?”

“Do you know something I don’t?”

“I don’t think so. I thought you would think about it.”

“Do you think something is going to go wrong?”

“I can’t let you go, Vuk. If you didn’t come back…” I shiver at the thought. “If anyone hurt you, it would just be my fault, even if you tried to convince me otherwise. I would feel so guilty.”

“I can’t believe you would think you can convince me. I’d love to see you win that battle.”

Vuk remains silent for a moment. I see the mask reappear.

“I’m sure you would.”

Before I can apologize for this last dig, he continues.

“Even Donn could not convince me,” he continues, on the defensive. “For one reason only. You know how much I care about you, how important you are to me. If anything happened to you in my absence I would go crazy. The guilt would kill me.”

“No, why would it?” I ask.

“Don’t try it. You know you mean too much to me. The feelings I have for you have not changed and every day they get stronger.”

“Would you give this feeling up if I begged you to?”

“Careful what you ask for!” He says jokingly, but he means it. “Nothing is more important than your safety, Stella.”

I shrug without giving any emotion away.

“Are you sure? I’m asking because if there is something at stake here, it’s your life. I thought you were the one who’s feeling guilty, and I the one who forgives. Give it up.”

Vuk gets my subtle hint to the full moon and frowns. I can’t hold back a melancholic laugh and shake my head, disapproving.

“Is it really hard to withdraw? What if I begged you? If I freed you from the bond that binds you to me?”

“No!” He barks at me. “You can’t do anything about it, even if I’m tempted to have what I want most.” He stares ahead at the gray clouds in front of him.

“What would that be, freedom?”

“No. You.”

His eyes are staring intensely at mine. I bite my lip, looking for something to say. He sees it and smiles. He stares at me for a little while his breath slows down.

“Don’t be a smart ass, Vuk.” The anxious tone of my voice lights up his smile. We look at each other.

“Ah, I make you nervous, little girl.” His lips reveal a triumphant smile.

“Nervousness and irritation are two different things.” The sudden wave of embarrassment distorts my face.

“You’re in a bad mood today.” He’s no longer having fun. He’s looking at me in a surly way. I return the grim look.

“I wonder why. One has to evaluate every consequence of one’s decisions.”

“I have,” he sighs, bitterly. “And you? Are you not tired of lying to yourself?”

“Don’t expect me to be,” I frown. “I know exactly what I want.”

“But you realize that you mean something to me. That’s a fact.”

I know exactly what he means. After all, I cannot mark clear boundaries. I like being with him. We have a great time.

“How could I possibly not mean anything to you? You’re a cumbersome and worrisome werewolf.”

“Don’t worry, little girl,” Vuk laughs. “Everything will turn out ok.”

“Ok, but I’m afraid that you are willing to do anything just to continue lying to yourself. I will die of anxiety during the ceremony. You’re my best friend, Vuk. At least when you lower your guard.”

“When it gets down to it, I am the same guy I always was. Even when I don’t behave like I should, it’s still me.” He curls his soft lips. The truth is clear to both of us, crystal clear in his green eyes. He laughs with me but his look betrays sadness.

“I know. Why do you think I keep listening to this nonsense?” I open the car door to leave. He bursts into laughing, pleasantly surprised. He jumps out of the car and reaches out to me. In front of the stairs, he turns to me.

“Since we’re on schedule, can I invite myself to lunch?”

“For sure! There are two hamburgers ready to be warmed up in the microwave.”

“Perfect.” He caresses my cheek with his pale fingers, as I stare at the purple circles around his emerald eyes. We cross the veranda and go in the house. We eat lunch at the table, sitting next to each other as usual, like we do at the cafeteria at school. In a way it feels like we’re back in time, when Vuk used to sleep in the back of the bar and would come see me at Jeff’s.

“Are you sure you don’t want to see
The Call of the Wild
? He asks during lunch, after devouring the hamburger and half a dozen scrambled eggs. It’s the movie we used to watch together the most.

“Let’s watch something else,” I suggest.

“What would you like to see?” He smiles.

“
The Tale of the Walking Dead
…I’m in the mood for action.”

“You just want to see blood and guts, rather.” Vuk gets up and I notice he’s probably thinking I must be crazy. I put the dishes in the sink.

“Is there anything else you’d like to see?” I ask. I did promise a wide variety of choices in movies. “Do you want to see
Dances with Wolves
?”

“Nah, same ol’ story,” he frowns.

He takes a bag of popcorn from the cupboard above the stove and hands it to me. I take a handful as I curl up with him on the couch. The movie is exactly what I expected. The opening credits are not even over, and already corpses are chasing after the few living left on earth.

Vuk is stiff and appears to be absent. He’s staring at the screen without looking at it, deep in thought. I observe him carefully, full of questions. Before I can tap him on the shoulder to ask, he’s back. I sense that something is bothering him, and I can imagine what.