Baggage & Buttons (24 page)

‘Come on, or I’m going to combust with you this close
to me. I’m hard just from looking at you,’ he set me down and kissed my hair as
he took my hand and we made our way down to the largest of the lakes in contented
silence.

They were stunning, I gazed at the beautiful expanse
of calm water with swans and ducks gliding over it, there were overhanging
willows dipping into its edges, it was picturesque and so tranquil. Gabe spotted
a large tree trunk that had been hewn into an armchair, sat down and pulled me
onto his lap. I leaned my head against his chest and just enjoyed the sound of his
heartbeat and the distant quaking and the smell of fresh cool air creeping into
my nostrils.

‘Mia?’ he whispered.

‘Yes.’

‘Can we talk about our argument about the shopping this
morning, it’s really bothering me.’

‘Gabe, do we have to?’

‘You really think I’ve got an ulterior motive with
you?’

‘No,’ I sighed. I sensed he wasn’t going to let it
drop.

‘So what?’

‘You remind me of someone sometimes and it just rubs
me up the wrong way.’

‘Are you trying to tell me you’re not happy with the
way our relationship’s going?’ he asked. I looked up at him and he looked all
confused again.

‘No, god no. I just told you again how I feel about
you, don’t doubt that. It’s not you yourself, just the way you can be so … so …’

‘Domineering is the phrase I think you quite happily
used this morning,
twice
.’

‘Well you can be Gabe. Please I don’t want to argue,’
I said sighing.

‘No one’s arguing, I’m just asking you to talk to me.
Do you trust me?’

‘Yes.’

‘And you say you love me?’ he said nosing my hair.

‘I
do
love you Gabe.’

‘Then what can go wrong baby? Talk to me so I know
what I’m doing wrong.’

‘O Gabe, you’re not doing anything wrong. You were
just being generous, protective and chivalrous and it’s all me, it’s me and my baggage.
God I wish we could just leave it,’ I sighed. He pulled my chin up to make me look
directly at him.

‘Baby please, I need to know. Does this have to do
with you finding it hard to believe anyone can love you?’

‘Maybe,’ I shrugged.

‘Well I told you that you’re wrong, because you know I
love you and so does Lexi.’

‘Well I know Lexi does, we’ve been best friends for
seven years. It’s just men I’m mistrustful of.’

‘Because of your dad?’

‘What makes you say that?’ I asked, tensing up. My dad
wasn’t a topic I really liked thinking about myself, let alone talking about.
It was hard enough in counselling sessions.

‘You’ve talked about your mum and stepdad, but never
your dad.’

‘I just don’t have a good relationship with him and I
hardly see him. You’ll think I’m so pathetic Gabe.’

‘If it upsets you, then it’s important to me. I need
to know what I’m doing to bring these feelings back.’

‘You’re so sweet.’ I kissed his lips and ran my
fingers over them and then started stroking the back of his neck.

‘Mia please stop, you’re trying to distract me again.
Why are things so bad with you both?’

‘He left my mum the minute he found out she was
pregnant with me alright?’ I said in a rush and sighed heavily. ‘He never
wanted me, I was just a mistake.’

‘O baby I’m sorry,’ Gabe kissed the top of my head and
hugged me tighter.

‘He wasn’t even there when I was born Gabe, never paid
my mum a penny of child support, or made any effort to see me. I don’t even
remember him growing up, I was about 8 when he suddenly decided he wanted to
get to know me and my sister again, but it was too late and even then he’d rarely
show up when he promised. At every school play or recital I’d look at the other
kids’ dads, all beaming with pride and he wasn’t there … he was
never
there.’ I felt my stomach knot and bit my lip.

‘I know how hard that can be,’ he kissed my temple softly.

‘
O god
. Please don’t even compare Gabe.’ I
struggled out of his embrace and looked at him mortified. ‘That’s not what I
intended. What I’ve been through is
nothing
compared to you losing your
mum, that’s why I didn’t want to talk about this to you.’

‘It’s ok Mia, I knew she could never be there for me
because she’d gone, she’d died. Yes it was gutting, but I can’t imagine how it
must feel to know a parent’s alive and doesn’t want to be a part of your life,
I couldn’t have handled that. I think kids should be the priority in a parent’s
life, otherwise why have them in the first place? Your situation is completely
different to mine, so you can talk to me about it.’

‘But I don’t want to bring you down with all my shit
Gabe.’

‘Baby I’m fine, honestly. Plus I don’t want to remind
you of him and screw this up, so talk to me. You met when you were 8?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, thinking how upset I’d been. ‘I
remember mum packing my little case and saying I was going to stay with my dad
for a weekend and Georgie was coming too. I thought she meant Gerry and asked
why she wasn’t coming with us. So when she explained it was my other dad, my
biological dad and she couldn’t come, I sobbed my heart out and begged her not
to send me.’

‘You thought Gerry was your real dad?’ he asked,
sounding surprised.

‘No, I knew he was my “step dad” but that distinction
didn’t really mean anything to me at that age. He married mum when I was four,
so he’s all I can remember. As far as I was concerned he
was
my dad. God
it was horrible, we went for a whole weekend and I cried the whole time, which
didn’t go down well at all and he got really cross with me. So it all started
then, he’s a property developer and he’s got money, plenty of money and he
started buying me things to try and make me like him. The biggest cuddly toys,
games, clothes, you name it and I hated all of them and gave them all away, I
wanted nothing to do with him.’

‘Did it never improve?’

‘Not really,’ I shook my head. ‘He insisted on having
us for a weekend twice a year. Me sulking and refusing to go made Mum cross,
because it caused arguments between her and dad, which then got Gerry upset.
Georgie and I’d fight about it too, as she liked him, so it just became easier
to pretend I was ok with it in the end, but I hated it. I think he knew as he’d
palm me off on his PA Christine most of the time. He’d also remarried and had
kids a few years younger than me, but he was all over them. There were pictures
of him playing in the park with them, at Father Christmas’s grotto and all I
could think was… why them? … why not me? What did they have that I didn’t? I’d
go home and cry in my room for hours.’

‘O baby, this is why you think you’re unlovable?’ Gabe
ran his nose back and forth along my temple.

‘Well aren’t parents supposed to love you
unconditionally? He seems to really love his other kids and he just clicked
straight away with Georgie. What if it’s me? What if there’s something really
wrong with me?’ I looked up at him again, with fear in my eyes. He was bringing
back feelings I really didn’t want by making me talk about this.

‘Baby, there isn’t anything wrong with you. You just
have such a big heart you need to protect it more, so you put up extra barriers
for people to get through, to prove their love. He obviously senses that and
he’s trying to reach you in other ways.’

‘Like with his money?’

‘Does he do that a lot?’

‘Yes and it’s always a large cheque after he misses a
visit, or an even larger one for birthday’s and Christmas, now the apartment. I
feel like he’s trying to buy my love, or alleviate his guilt.’

‘Maybe he doesn’t know how else to connect if you’ve
shut down with him.’

‘So it’s all my fault? Is that what you’re saying?’ I
asked as I sat upright on his lap and shot him a glare.

‘No, I’m just saying he made a huge mistake Mia, maybe
he realises that and he’s trying to get you to forgive him. This is the only
way he knows how.’

‘I want to make it work Gabe, I mean he’s my
dad
,
my real dad. I feel like I’m supposed to love him, but he’s pretty much a
stranger to me. He’s just let me down so often, saying he’d come then
cancelling at the last minute, then a cheque would arrive. I’d just get my
hopes up to have them dashed again and I hate it.’ I sank back down and buried
my face in his jumper and bit my lip to stop myself from crying. Christ all I
did was cry around Gabe, what if he got pissed off with me too? Just like Alex
had. I felt one of his hands rubbing up and down my back as he stroked my hair
and kissed the top of my head.

‘I get it now.’

‘Get what?’ I mumbled.

‘The rules, the issues with me paying for things,
you’re scared that I’m trying to buy your affection, or that I’m going to let
you down like he has. You were trying to protect your heart, just like I was by
trying to avoid relationships. I was doing so well, avoiding any attachment and
then you came along and took my breath away,’ he whispered and kissed my
temple. I felt my stomach knot at his words, he made me feel so safe. I stayed
still, my fingers clinging to his jumper, caressing the soft fabric between my
finger and thumb. ‘When your dad left he’d not even met you Mia, he didn’t know
you, never had a chance to see you and to love you. If he’d stayed I guarantee
he’d never have treated you the way he did.’

‘How can you be so sure?’

‘Because I couldn’t Mia, I saw inside you the first
time I looked at you. That bloody guy you were with had his hands all over you
and I just wanted to push him away, to protect you from him. You hadn’t even
seen me at that point, I didn’t even know you, but I just knew that you needed
to be loved and taken care off and somehow I just knew that it was me that was
meant to do it. I wanted to love you and protect you, even if I got nothing in
return.’

‘Gabe don’t, you’re going to make my cry. Please don’t.
I feel like you’re saying what my dad should, he should love me and want to
protect me but he does the opposite, he hurts me and leaves me vulnerable.’

‘I understand that Mia, but I get to hold you every
day, to kiss you and tell you I love you. Your dad doesn’t, so he’s doing it
the only way he knows how, with money.’

‘He’s got loads of money, it’s
nothing
to him.’

‘Well me buying you little gifts and wanting to pay for
things is another way for me to look out for you, to show you how much you mean
to me and to let you know that I’m thinking of you,’ he kissed my hair again
and I struggled out of his embrace and sat up to face him.

‘But do you see why I find it so hard? There are just
so many expectations when he does it, he seems to think that I’ll just forgive
and forget everything with a gift.’

‘There are no expectations from me Mia. Even before
you told me you loved me, I was happy to carry on even with the possibility in
the back of my mind that you’d never say it back. Love should be unconditional,
mine is for you.’

I grasped his face repeatedly kissing him and as he
tightened his arms around me, I buried my face his in neck. Sometimes he could
make me feel so secure, so safe, so cherished. It was still so unexpected and
strange to have that feeling from a man.

‘So what’s all this I’m not going to be a compliant
housewife, I want a career business about?’

‘He rubs it in every time I see him that I don’t need
an education, I need to find a wealthy man, settle down, have a family and be a
housewife, that’s all I’m good for,’ I sighed and Gabe laughed. ‘It’s not funny
Gabe,’ I protested, sitting up again. ‘I have a brain you know, just because
I’m a girl doesn’t make me any less of a person.’

‘Sorry, I just totally get where this totally infuriating
stubborn streak comes from. You’re so desperate to prove him wrong aren’t you?
This is why you get so stroppy when I interrupt your lectures, tell you what to
do and criticise your lack of cooking skills.’

‘Are you always so bloody insightful?’

‘A lot of men still find it hard to accept women in
the work place Mia, I’ve no such problem baby. In fact based on your sorry attempt
to cook sausages the other night, I’ll beg you to go out and get a job and I’ll
happily stay at home, do all the cooking and be a kept man,’ he chuckled. I stood
up and stared down at him open mouthed with my hands on my hips.

‘
Gabe Austin
I don’t know whether to hit you or
kiss you.’

‘Then please kiss me and I’ll try to be a bit more
understanding about what pushes your buttons baby.’ He tugged my hand to pull
me down to straddle his lap and I pulled him to me by the hair and we kissed.
We only came up for air when we heard a young child giggling and I opened my
eyes to find him standing close by, pointing at us. Gabe and I laughed and I
stood up and reached for his hand and we started following the path around the
lake. He lifted my hand to his lips, kissed it and smiled at me.

‘What was that for?’ I asked.