BOMAW Vol. 10-12 (211 page)

"So - you think - I should hang on?"

"You tell me Ben, you tell me - I don't know how much you love her, only you know that. Just - don't confuse love, with possession. When you love, you have to be able to - well - let go sometimes - if you can't let go - that's not really love - that's something else. No matter how bad it hurts, if that person wants you to let go, you will - that's love. I'm gonna tell you something else, about women - Ben - how can I say this? Look, a woman always knows, when a man really loves her - really loves her. And she also knows, when a man doesn't. When it's all said and done, towards the end, she will always long for, and remember the man that really loved her. That's what you have to believe in."

"I see - so I have to make sure - that she knows - that I really really love her - and at the same time, be willing to walk away, be willing to let her go." The thought made his eyes water up again.

"Yeah Ben - in other words, where you may be gambling with your heart, in loving her; by loving yourself too, you keep your soul, your dignity, your self-respect, and yet, you can still - pour into her 100% real love - it's that powerful, you can do it, long as it's real."

Ben wiped his face, sniffed, blew into the Kleenex again, his mind working. "That's what I have to do then, love her, even though I'm not with her. I have to surround her with it."

"You do that, she'll know it Ben, she'll know it. You're a smart, handsome guy, with everything in the world going for you - just never stop loving yourself, and you can survive anything, even - a broken heart. Believe it or not, love for yourself, even helps to repair that."

Ben nodded, glancing from Quincy to out of his windshield, "I love you, Quincy, no one has been, a better father to me, than you - I - I need you to know that."

Quincy reached over and carefully hugged him, "You gonna be okay, you hear? Love Ben, will not - let you down, it can't, that's not the way it was made. It's the most powerful force, on the face of the earth, even over evil, at least that's the way I feel."

*

When Shawn pulled up to the curb before the house Crystal had now returned to, Victor was taking groceries from the trunk of the car, carrying the plastic bags, three to four bags per hand into the house. He stopped halfway to the porch to glare at him, asking, "What are you doing here?"

"What do you think, I'm here to see Crystal."

"Well as you can see, we're busy right now."

"I don't give a shit what you're doing, I'm here to see her."

"Well you know what Shawn, fair is fair, you're at my home now, so things are a bit different, you don't get to run over me in my own home."

"My advice to you is, grow into those balls you postering with, otherwise you end up tripping and hurting yourself with them."

Crystal showed up at the door from hearing voices from the kitchen, the moment she set eyes on Shawn, her stomach tied into knots. "Hi." She spoke softly from the door.

"You know why I'm here don't you?"

Crystal wilted. Seeing the look on her face, Victor turned back to Shawn, "Look, she made her decision, it's no business of yours - leave us alone."

Crystal's reaction to that came swiftly, "Don't talk to him that way Victor, not ever."

"Oh, he didn't want me on their property, but I'm supposed to let him just come here on mine, disrespecting me? I know what he's here about, I'm not having it!"

"He's family, and he can come here anytime he wants to-..."

"So what I say means nothing?!"

"You're not staying here anyway, remember? That was the agreement, I could come here, to think, take some time, you would find some place else to stay, remember?"

Victor stood shocked that she was still expecting him to stick to that, in truth, he hadn't really meant it, he'd just said it because he was running out of ideas on how to get her back and away from there. For her to also say it in front of Shawn, pissed him off. He bit his lips together and stormed into the front door carrying the groceries, angry because he was beginning to feel used, taken advantage of. If she thought it was going to be like this again, she had another think coming, he'd be damned if he was going to let her hen-peck him. He let her get away with it before, because it had taken him so by surprise and he'd turned it on her getting his dignity back in other ways. However, he wasn't too sure he was going that route again.

Crystal stepped down the porch heading towards Shawn, her face full of sorrow, hoping he would understand, she joined him at the SUV, first thing he asked her, "Where's the boys?"

"Taking a nap, we just got back from getting groceries." She explained, struggling to maintain eye contact with him.

"What are you doing here?" He asked directly.

Crystal moved backward and falling gently against the vehicle, trying to find the words to explain herself. "I had to come back papah-Shawn, I did some thinking last night-..."

"Crazy thinking, is it that time of the month or something? Your cycle got you so you don't know what you're doing?"

She glanced up at him, "No, it's not that."

Shawn leaned in close to her, "You don't - belong here - this is not - your home. Your home is the place you snuck away from last night - you promised me." He reminded her.

"Papah-Shawn, when I married him, said those vows to him, I promised him - for better or for worse. I promised him first." She defended herself.

"Even up to the part, until death - do us part? You telling me, you honestly think, you can endure this that long?"

Crystal gulped at those words, the permanence of them brought a tightening to her soul, and instantly, Ben popped into her head.

"Well?" Shawn pushed.

"I have to give my marriage a fair chance, I have to be sure, that I've given it every possible chance to make it."

"Ah come on Pum'kin, you don't belong here sweety, you don't - why you puttin' yourself through this? You weren't happy with him before the split up, and you won't be now. And I tell you something else, you don't love him."

"I do!"

"Bullshit! You don't! You're hanging on to some crazy idea that if you don't make this work, it some how reflects badly on you. Sweetheart, I'm here to tell you, that is furthest from the truth. Please, get the boys, so I can take you back home."

"I can't papah-Shawn, I have to stay here, stick it out."

"Why?"

"For the boys, they need to get close to their own father."

"If he really wants to get close to his sons, he can do that by coming and getting them every free moment that he has, I won't stand in his way, I promise."

"It's not fair to put you and mama through this - you all should not have to deal with something that is all, my own doing." She reasoned with him.

"Why last night? Why all of a sudden, out of the blue? You weren't talking like this last week, hell, you weren't talking like this yesterday - in fact, you were adamant about staying home and giving yourself breathing space, what happened last night to make all of that, go out the window?"

"Hey! There's stuff in here that needs to be put in the refrigerator and freezer!?" Victor called from the door.

Shawn looked over at him, and bit his tongue.

"Victor, can't you put the stuff away?"

"No! I have to rush off to find a place to stay tonight, remember? Seeing as how I'm not allowed in my own home!" He went on, stepping down off of the porch, to his car, climbed in, started it up, music blasting, base resounding, he backed out fast, kicking up dust and pealed off, clearly pissed off.

They both watched him go.

Crystal pulled herself away from the Navigator, "I better put this stuff away, you coming in?"

"Come on, I'll help you."

A bit later, with all the groceries put away, Shawn sat with Isaac and Darren on his knee, feeding them the late lunch Crystal provided for them. She sat across from them, hand beneath her chin, her eyes going from the way they were with Shawn, clingy, as if afraid he might leave them, to Shawn himself, picking up their discussion, she murmured softly, "Mama won't let me come to get the rest of my things, she said - Angela was really upset."

"In tears, all morning, now depressed about it."

"Ohhh, I wrote her note explaining."

"She doesn't want your notes, she wants you. Same as your mother, same as myself. My daughter, by coming back here, you're taking away from yourself, you're not giving anything to you, or - to the boys for that matter. And that's why, I'm going to ask you, to let me take them back with me."

"Huh?"

"You heard me. If you wanna fix your marriage, I can't stop you from trying, but - these boys, should not have to stand by your and Victor's trial and error attempts. It's not fair to them Crystal - let's face it, he's not really ready to be a father to them yet, no more than he is a good husband to you. So let's give him one thing to work on, at a time. Correcting this marriage with you. If all goes as it should, then add the boys. If he really wishes to bond with them, they'll be there for him, anytime he wishes to see them. Might I suggest you guys pick them up together, and take them on little dates together. He needs to start being creative in what to do with his sons, how to talk to them, I don't know, buy a book for him or something."

"I can't give up my babies."

"Ah ah ah, I'm not asking you to give them up - not at all - but you need this time too. Besides, if we have them, then I know I'll see you everyday, know that you're all right."

"But then, I'll be here by myself."

"You honestly think he's going to find another place? Bullshit! He'll keep coming back with excuses as to why he needs to stay here another night, and then another - frankly speaking, as much as I do not like you coming back to him, if you're gonna do it - do it right. Let him stay so you two can talk. Keep him on the sofa, you in the bedroom. And serious time with a marriage councillor - if he doesn't agree to that, and if he doesn't follow through, you get the hell out of here, understand?"

"I can't live without my babies Shawn, I can't."

"Okay, how about this, look at it, as they're staying with grandma and granddad for the summer, look at it that way? This will give you time for that food thing you signed up for. Time to make some money for yourself, by the way - you have any money on you?"

Crystal chewed her lip, she was flat broke - her car had a quarter tank of gas, and all the groceries came out of Victor's pocket. She finally gave a soft shake of her head.

"Get down for a second boys." He instructed them, leaning to take out his wallet.

"I'm okay papah-Shawn, I can do a few heads and that'll put some money in my pocket."

"Sorry, I'm not having you in this situation and broke, no way." He was thankful that he still had the money Mundo had given him in his wallet, because he hadn't gone to the bank with it yet, he put three hundred dollars of it on the table for her, "This will see you okay for now, but if you need more, I'll get more to you."

"Nooo papap-Shawn, I'm not taking that, I can-..."

Shawn slammed his hand on the table, making her jump, as well the boys, "You listen to me," His elbow on the table, finger pointed at her, "I will not, have my daughter here, no money in her pocket, waiting for someone's hair to do! I will not! I'm not asking you to take this money, I'm telling you to - now here it is! Put it in your pocket, your purse, wherever - but you are taking it, do you understand young lady."

Biting her lower lip, she nodded.

"Good girl, now get the boys bag, and while we have them, I want you to go out, I want you to do hair, make some money, hit that class and tonight, I want you ready for our meeting, I will be picking you up. Are we clear on that?"

Again she nodded, her eyes watering, her throat clogged, choked up as she was.

Shawn stared at her a bit, into her very young eyes, shaking his head, he said to her, "You're not ready for this, you weren't ready when it happened, meaning, pregnant, marriage and now, back here again. In truth, honey, you're just a baby, a lost little girl trying to play grownup." Shawn shook his head, thinking, gazing at her, wishing he could change her mind, "It's not going to work, and when you finally smack into that wall that says, this can go no further, you bring your ass home. That apartment I'm putting up for you is still going to be there, the moment it has a door on it that locks, I will be bringing you the key. You always have - some place to go! You always have, some place to go! Say it!" He commanded.

"I always have - some place to go." She repeated softly.

"Say it again."

She repeated once more, tears in her eyes.

"Damn right you do, and that's home to your mother and me, your papah-Shawn - that's final. Put that money away, he doesn't need to know about it. I'm taking the boys with me." He looked down at them, "You guys wanna go home with granddad?"

Isaac cheered, Darren started clapping.

Crystal stood, wiped her eyes, put the money away and went and packed her boys bags.

A moment later, after Shawn had strapped them into their car seats, he placed a kiss to her brow, saying, "I'll see you tonight, I'll be here at six."

"I'll be ready." She promised and stood waving as the SUV drove off and around the corner out of sight.

Turning back to the house, it was quiet, and she was instantly lonely. A harsh and immediate longing gripped her, she wanted Ben, making her cry out to only herself, "Oh God, what am I doing here? What am I doing?" She tried not to think about him, but truth was, she couldn't get him out of her mind. She went to her laptop, put it on the table, opened it up and went to try and check her messages, her email, but they weren't loading. Then she realized they didn't have internet connection there, nor wireless like at home. Again she paused, at home with Shawn and her mom. Having no internet connection, meant she couldn't even send him a quick message, to let him know she was okay, and that, she still wanted them to be friends, despite her decision. Being unable to do that, frustrated her so that she felt like crying. She closed the laptop, it was no good to her without internet connection. Realizing what she had to do, she went to the phone, called up the phone company and ordered internet in her name, the quickest time slot they had was for the following Monday. She thought she would go nuts having to wait that long - but set the appointment anyway. Forgetting that Monday was also the day Victor would go before the judge to reverse their divorce, that was the last thing on her mind.