Broken Wings (Cruel and Beautiful World, Book One 1) (10 page)

Xander clicked his tongue. "I don't have memories like that. Even before all of this, I don't remember a time when I was ever really happy."

"Not even in your childhood?"

"No." After taking one final drag, he put his cigarette out on the balcony and tossed it over the side.

"So what is it that keeps you going then? When you have these thoughts?" she asked.

"Did I say I was talking about me?"

"You didn't have to."

"I wasn't. We were talking about you, remember?"

"You don't have to lie -"

"I'm not lying!" he snapped, turning sharply towards her. "I would never off myself. Too much depends on me staying alive."

"What does that mean?"

Xander paused. He stared at her, unblinking for a moment. "Nothing." He took out another cigarette.

Deryn stared at it with a growing curiosity. Cigarettes were a thing of their ancestors, almost forgotten until the Outsiders recreated them a few decades back. Saevus had banned them the moment he learned of their existence, hating all things made by Outsiders. Besides, tobacco was already forbidden. This was the one thing she actually agreed with him on, but for a different reason. "That's a very Outsider habit you've picked up there."

"Yes," he said unfazed. "You can blame the idiots downstairs. They got me into it and have to pick them up for me."

"Why?"

"They're in a part of the Black Market where even easily bribed Guardians aren't welcome." Xander held out the pack and offered her one.

Deryn recoiled. "Absolutely not. It's a horrid habit that I do not support."

"Of course you don't," he said with an amused grin. "Five years, countless hours of torture and you're still as predictable as ever."

"If you think you're going to pressure me into taking one -"

"Why would I waste my breath?"

Deryn watched Xander closely as he continued to smoke his cigarette. But, eventually, she became dazed and her mind quickly drifted back to her family and Dakota. She was the closest she had been to finding them in years but, instead of beginning her journey to them, she was spending her evening sitting on a balcony with Xander Ruby. Surely there were better things she could be doing with her time.

Still, she stayed. As much as she hated to admit it, over the years she had been starved of basic human interaction. Talking to someone about actual things, things that mattered to her - even if that someone was Xander - talking out loud made Deryn feel almost human again.

"May I ask you something?"

Xander shrugged. "I suppose it doesn't matter. We both know you're going to ask whether I say yes or not."

Deryn frowned. She really was predictable.

"It's ... it's about my dad and brother," she said timidly. "What do you know of them?"

"Know of them?" he repeated. "I'm a Guardian, Leon. The two of them have probably spent a great deal of time making sure I know nothing."

"But surely you must know something."

"We almost caught that friend of yours, Trigger or whatever, a few months back."

Deryn's heart quickened at the mention of Dakota. She was so eager to hear more that she didn't even correct the name mistake, though it was most likely intentional. One day in training Dakota had been a bit too enthusiastic with his Element and from then on was known as trigger happy Triggs.

"During a raid on one of the Guardian's homes. He's made a few appearances over the years, and so has that annoying brother of yours, but your dad's stayed hidden."

"But they're together, right?"

"Probably," he said with a shrug of his shoulders. "They're all pretty active in the Resistance. They work together, but I'm not sure if they stay in the same place or not."

Deryn sighed in relief. They had found each other without her. She hoped with all of her heart that Dakota hadn't waited long for word from her, like she had promised. If she was lucky he had caught on pretty quickly and gone off to look for everyone else. But, even after all this time, she found it hard to convince herself this was true. Dakota had waited for her to return longer than necessary.

"I suppose, when you leave here, you'll look for them?"

Deryn awoke from her daze to find Xander staring at her. She nodded. "Part of me can't wait to see them again but another part ... maybe an even stronger part is dreading it."

"Why?"

Her eyes grew misty as she cradled her head back in her knees. "Because of everything that's happened to me. Because they would never understand."

"I thought you were close with them?"

"I am," she said with a sniffle. "But, after everything I've done, how can I face them?"

"What? What have you done?" asked Xander, cocking his head and trying to get a good look at her.

By now, Deryn was full on weeping. She didn't know why she was talking about this with him but, somehow, she knew she had to. She had to get it out. And, in this unusual haven she had stumbled into, Xander was the only one around to listen.

"I used to fight back in the beginning. I would fight and claw and hit and scream until my throat and limbs were raw or they beat me unconscious. But then I just ... stopped. I stopped fighting and I let them do whatever they wanted to me. It was easier. When I wasn't busy screaming, I had a better chance of closing my mind off and finding a happy moment. One that's buried somewhere deep inside of me that I could get swept into. The fight was killing me but it was still better than how I ended up. Instead, I just let myself die."

Xander said nothing as Deryn continued to cry into her knees. The two men downstairs had gone inside a short while earlier so, aside from the two of them, the world was still. An eerie silence engulfed them as her sobs resonated through the night. The unease between them grew thicker, enough so a knife could've cut through it. Just like the knife she had used to slit open Soren's throat ...

"Leon," called Xander, his voice quiet in her clouded ears. His untouched cigarette had burned to an ashy nub. "Why don't you ever say the word?"

"What word?"

"You know. The word of what happened to you. What they did. You've mentioned torture without a problem but you haven't said the other thing."

"Why does that matter?"

"I think you should say it," he declared.

"Why?" she asked, weakly lifting her head.

"It might make you feel better."

"It won't."

"You don't know that."

Unable to look into his eyes, Deryn watched the way his chest heaved as he inhaled the smoke of his newest cigarette. It stiffened as he let the smoke sink into his lungs. And then released as he blew it back out into the cold, night air. She needed to focus. She needed to stay focused on just one thing or else she was going to lose control, and Xander was the only thing in her line of sight that moved enough to keep her from sinking into her mind. Where the not-so-happy memories were kept much closer than the ones of her childhood living outside with the people she loved.

"Say it, Leon."

"No," she protested, still focusing on his chest.

"Say the word."

"No!"

"Say the word, Leon. Tell me what happened to you."

Her breaths grew short and frantic. "You
know
what happened to me," she snapped.

"Yes, because I know Guardians. But your dad, your brother, your fucking boyfriend, they know
nothing
about what goes on inside their heads. If you can't even accept what happened to you then how the hell do you expect them to?"

"They don't need to know everything."

"So you'll keep secrets from them?"

"N-no."

"If you don't tell them then that's exactly what you're doing. Keeping secrets."

"No, it's -"

"Tell me what happened to you, Leon," demanded Xander in a deep, drawling voice. "Tell me what Soren and the other Guardians did to you when they owned you. In their beds, in their hallways, in the filthy basements and pocket-sized closets they kept you in. What did they do to you there?"

"Stop it," she pleaded, her face growing hot as she pulled at her hair from the roots.

"Did they even bother to undress you? Or was it all just hurried and rough while they smacked you around and called you toxic trash? Did they let you shower after? Or were you left to soak in their sweat and your shame?"

Deryn's body was shaking. "Stop," she said through gritted teeth.

"Most of your owners hated you. They were repulsed by you and wanted to see you suffer. So they did it the only way they knew how. By breaking you."

"No."

"You're not the Deryn Leon I once knew. I can see that right now. The Leon I knew would have
never
let them defeat her."

"I haven't!" she protested, raising her voice.

"Yes you have!" said Xander, raising his voice to match hers. "That's why you can't say it. Because you're defeated. You're weak and you're defeated!"

"No!" Deryn jumped to her feet. "I am
not
defeated, Ruby! How dare you say that I am!"

"Then prove it to me," he demanded, also jumping to his feet. "Tell me what they did to you."

"Shut up!" Deryn lunged forward and beat her fists into his chest.

The glass door two floors below slid open. “Ruby, what's going on up there?”

“Nothing! Mind your own fucking business!” he shouted down at his nosy neighbors.

Xander wrapped his arms around the hysterical, thrashing Deryn and carried her inside. If she was going to have this outburst then it needed to be where she couldn't be heard.

"Tell me what Soren did to you at night when his wife wasn't home!"

"No!" she cried as he put her back down. Not for one second did she stop hitting him.

"Tell me, Deryn!"

At the sound of her given name, Deryn's whole body went heavy. She sank to her knees, dragging Xander down with her. Her sobs were loud and frantic as she clutched the sleeves of his shirt, holding on so tight her nails ripped holes in the fabric.

"They ... they raped me, alright?" she finally admitted, her body instantly easing. "I was raped almost every day for ... for five years. Ruby ... why did this happen to me?" Deryn's head sank into his chest, tears soaking through his shirt and onto his skin.

"It shouldn't have happened to you," he said, stroking a comforting hand through her hair. "This world has become sick and cruel under the president's rule. But you're stronger than you think you are. And you're wrong."

"About what?" she asked through choked breaths.

"About you. Just because you stopped struggling doesn't mean you ever stopped fighting. I think we both just witnessed that there's still plenty of fire in you."

Deryn let out a painful laugh as she continued to cry into him. Her death grip on his shirt loosened as she finally let herself relax in Xander's arms. She never thought she would see the day where the two of them were willingly hugging, if that was what you could call this.

"I'm going to do what I can to help you find your family, Leon. As soon as it's safe for you to leave here, I'll find a lead to their whereabouts. I'm not without my connections in the Resistance."

"Thank you," she said with a sniffle.

"And when you go back to them, you can go knowing that you were a victim of this ongoing war. You've done nothing wrong."

"A victim," she repeated. "Like you."

Xander shook his head against hers. "No. You and I are not the same."

"How so?" she asked.

"I've done things, Leon. You've had them done to you. It's different."

Deryn wished she could argue, but it was hard to do that when she really didn't know what he'd done. He had mentioned to Veli on the tram that he was his superior now. She couldn't imagine he outranked someone several years older than him and so horribly devoted to the president without doing a few things that would tear his soul apart.

The clock that hung above the fireplace chimed. They both looked up to see it was six-thirty. It felt much later.

"Time to take your medicine," said Xander, standing up and pulling her with him.

Deryn still had the blanket somewhat tangled around her. She fixed it before following him to the kitchen. After swallowing a spoonful of the green liquid, Xander gave Deryn a sleeveless shirt and a pair of boxer shorts to put on so he could help her rub the ointment on her bruises.

"Who was the Guardian who owned you before Soren?" asked Xander as he got his first good look at the ankle that had been bothering her. It wasn't just sprained, it was full on broken. He would need to find something stronger to heal it tomorrow. There was no way he could leave it untouched.

"What good will knowing do?" she asked.

"I can find out on my own, but it'll be easier if you just give me a name."

Deryn sighed. "Aila Parrish. She was angry because her brother Lester was recently killed -"