Broken Wings (Cruel and Beautiful World, Book One 1) (9 page)

"I don't make the rules," said Xander sounding slightly on edge. "Give me the bottle."

Several moments passed with nothing but a slight gulping sound.

"Whoa! Easy on the whiskey!"

"I hate your cheap shit, but I fucking needed that," said Xander, slamming the bottle down. "You got a cigarette, Bronson? I left the ones you gave me upstairs."

"Sure thing, mate."

There were a few more quiet moments as, she assumed, they lit up cigarettes.

"So you gonna tell us what's bothering you?" asked Quigley in his softer voice, compared to the other two, at least.

"No."

Deryn chuckled. That sounded about right.

"Then how the hell are we supposed to help you?" Quigley again.

"You're not."

"Come on, Ruby. We always tell you our problems. We're friends, remember?"

"Never having enough whiskey and begging me to buy you more is hardly a problem."

"But you have unlimited resources," said Bronson. She envisioned a smirk.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Suit yourself then."

There was a long silence.

"Am I
always
an ass?" asked Xander.

"Yes," Deryn whispered to herself.

"Yeah," said Bronson.

"Pretty much," said Quigley.

"So when I try to do something nice, that comes off as creepy?"

Deryn smiled. For some reason she found the fact that she made Xander question himself gratifying.

"How nice was it?" asked Bronson.

"Pretty fucking nice."

A pause.

"Are you gonna tell us?"

"No," said Xander coolly.

"Why not?" asked Quigley.

"Because it's none of your fucking business."

"Aw, come on!" Bronson again.

"No."

"Please!" Quigley.

"No!"

"Pretty, pretty, please -"

"Dammit, Quigley! I'm trying to be serious here!"

"So are we -"

"All I want to know is why when I help someone they always,
always
think I have fucking ulterior motives! I can be nice!"

"Sure you can," said Bronson. Deryn envisioned his smirk again.

"So when I buy someone a cupcake, why the hell would they interpret that as something different? Something bad."

Another pause.

"You bought someone a cupcake?" asked Bronson. Now she envisioned his face all twisted with curiosity, much like hers had been. Even hearing Xander just say the word 'cupcake' was creepy to her.

"Aw, who was it? Was it a girl?" inquired Quigley. "Was it that girl from last night?"

"No."

"It was, wasn't it?" said Bronson. "I didn't get a good look at her but, from what I saw, she looked pretty cute."

"She's not."

Deryn chuckled again. Now
that
was the Xander she knew.

"So it wasn't her then?" asked Quigley. She didn't get as good a look at him yesterday as she did at Bronson, but she was pretty sure she was picturing him correctly as her mind made him cock his head in curiosity.

"It doesn't matter."

"Then why'd you buy her a cupcake?"

"I never said I did."

"Then why'd you buy
anyone
a cupcake."

Xander let out a deep sigh. "Birthday," he said so quietly that she barely heard him.

"A birthday!" said Bronson brightly. An image of him beaming entered her head. "That's not creepy! That's adorable!"

"You both are fucking annoying, you know that?"

Another pause.

"I would be honored if you bought
me
a cupcake," said Quigley with a teasing sincerity.

"And on that note, I'm getting the fuck out of here," said Xander. "Thanks for nothing, assholes."

"You kiss your mother with that mouth?" asked Bronson.

"My mother is dead."

This pause was a bit heavier.

"Sorry," said Bronson, his deep voice cracking. "I forgot."

"Doesn't matter. If you go out, remember to watch the clocks."

"When do we ever go out?"

"Good point."

Deryn listened as their sliding door opened and then closed again. Crap. Now she felt bad.

In a rush, she crawled back inside, shut the door and got to her feet. She limped to the kitchen as quickly as she could, opened the blue box and took one good look at the cupcake before stuffing it in her mouth.

The lock clicked on the door so she chewed faster. When Xander walked inside she had just taken the last oversized bite but there was no time to swallow.

He relocked the door, turned and looked a bit surprised to see her standing there with chipmunk cheeks. "What are you doing?"

Deryn shrugged, thankful that he didn't pay her large cheeks any mind.

"You're fucking weird, you know that?"

Xander walked past her to his room, his eyes slightly shifting to look at the blue box on the counter. She could swear she saw a faint smile when he noticed it was empty.

As soon as he was gone, she tried to finish chewing, but he was back not even ten seconds later with a pack of cigarettes in hand. He headed for the balcony and, when his back was turned, she tried to chew again.

When Xander reached the door he paused, noticing it was open a crack. "Were you out here, Leon?" he asked, turning back around.

Deryn shook her head.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded.

Xander stared at her curiously. "Say something."

She said nothing.

"Did you hear me talking to Bronson and Quigley downstairs?"

She shook her head again.

"Are you lying?"

Another shake.

Xander took several steps towards her. "What's that you have in your mouth?"

Her eyes widened.

"Is it the cupcake?"

Giving in, Deryn gulped, almost choking on her bite.

Xander grunted. "Just swallow the fucking thing, will you?"

She did. "Sorry, I -"

"Not necessary," he said, walking back to the balcony. "But, if you're going to go outside, you better be damn careful." He shut the door behind him.

Deryn remained in the kitchen for a few moments before clutching her blanket tighter around her shoulders and following him outside. She crawled again, making sure to stay low as she settled herself in the same spot, giving her the perfect view of Xander smoking a cigarette in an old chair.

They sat there in silence, both of them gazing out at the street, Deryn through a crack in the stone barrier. While watching what looked like a cat running across the deserted street, she accidentally let the blanket slip off of her shoulder.

"How's that sweater working out for you?" asked Xander, eyeing it with a smile.

Deryn fixed the blanket. "Yeah, it's ... it's really quite comfortable," she answered honestly. Then she sighed. "Look, Ruby, I don't want you to think I'm not grateful, because I am. This is the most at ease I've felt in -"

"Five years?" Xander cocked an eyebrow.

"And one day," said Deryn with a dim smile. "But you have to understand why I'm hesitant about you. Since the day I was taken prisoner, I haven't been around one person I can trust. And you ... well, I know you're already aware of this, but we have a history."

"Yes, we do," he said, taking a drag of his cigarette. "And I'm sure my profession doesn't help."

"It really doesn't," she said. "And, it's just ... I find it odd that, in all this time, I never saw you. Not once. I saw every other Guardian there is but never you. Why?"

Xander sighed and glanced sideways at her. "I almost always knew where you were, Leon. And I made a point to never be there."

"You kept track of me?"

Xander nodded.

"So you could avoid me?"

He nodded again. "I've heard stories about you over the years, and I had no interest in seeing you like that. The way you looked just yesterday, I never wanted to witness that."

"Why?"

"Guilt," he said slowly. "For some reason I have it when it comes to you."

"Gee, I wonder why?"

Xander glanced at her from the corner of his eye. "Before you go jumping to conclusions, I'm not sorry I didn't try and attack Elvira once she and my father had you in their clutches. If I had then I would be dead, and you would be one step closer to execution."

"That's not -"

"You're lucky I was there last night. You were mere moments away from getting caught and you know it."

Deryn took a deep and agitated breath. Her damn pride was really getting a beating. "Fine. I admit it. You saved me last night."

"About time," he said, looking amused.

"Well, if that's not the reason you have guilt when it comes to me, then what is?"

Xander took a long drag of his cigarette and moved his gaze back to the abandoned street. His brown eyes sparkled almost gold in the simulated moonlight, and Deryn realized they were not the most unpleasant things to look at.

"We bumped into each other that day. Knocked each other over. Remember?"

"I do," she said, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them. She gripped her nails deep into the blanket as flashes of memories filled her head. Memories of her father, brother and Dakota. Of Godfrey's still figure as he was carried away from her. Of Dakota's loving gaze as he gave her one final kiss. Of his hand letting go of hers ...

"I'd been hiding."

Deryn blinked back to reality.

"Per my mom's request, but the moment I heard all of the commotion I knew I had to get out. I should've just stayed where I was. If I had then maybe Elvira would've never found out about my mom, and maybe you would've gotten wherever it was you were trying to go."

"I probably would have."

They both went silent. The air felt heavy around them
,
trapping them in an uncomfortable state of awareness. It had all been a stupid mistake. An unfortunate, accidental moment that had changed everything. And it was a painful realization.

So Xander and Deryn just continued to sit there, avoiding each other's eyes for a good, long while and focusing on the laughter coming from two floors below.

It was a strange feeling, being thrown together with your enemy, especially when they suddenly decided to save your life. Deryn didn't know how she was supposed to feel about Xander. She was trying to be grateful, but that hatred she had felt towards him still boiled strongly in the pit of her stomach. It would be easier if she could somehow get inside of his head. To be able to understand him just a little bit better.

"Why are you still here?"

Xander cocked an eyebrow.

"I mean here, as a Guardian for Saevus? It certainly doesn't seem like you want to be. If you did then you wouldn't be helping me."

Xander knocked some ash off his cigarette. "Same reason you didn't off yourself five years ago."

Deryn was taken aback. Her stomach lurched as she lifted her head to get a better view of him. "What does that mean?" she asked out of morbid curiosity.

"It means you did what you had to in order to survive. You might hate yourself for it, but at least you're alive."

Deryn gulped.

"Tell me something, Leon. Did you ever consider death as an option when they were tossing you from Guardian to Guardian?"

Monster to monster
, she thought, watching closely as Xander began to breathe more rapidly. His breath was hot and visible against the cold air, his stormy eyes finally sparking to life as he spoke to her, trying to justify his own dark thoughts by finding a similar feeling in a soul more tattered than his.

"Did it ever cross your mind that just ending it would be the better solution?" he continued. "That maybe it would be your only salvation? You'd be free, which is all you ever wanted, anyway." Xander sucked in his raw, steamy breath and closed his eyes. "So did you?"

He slowly opened them again, turning his golden irises towards her and waiting for an answer. In the light of the moon, she could see that even with this spark, his eyes were still dead behind the haze of tears. Much like how hers looked when she saw them in the mirror.

Deryn choked as she drew back her own tears. She didn't want to appear weak in front of him, especially after all of the breakdowns she'd had already. But she knew she wasn't done yet.

"Of course I did," she answered honestly. "Nearly every day I thought about it. But the memory of what life once was - what it could be again - that's what kept me going. I could never have killed myself because it was too easy, and the best things in life aren't obtained by giving in. They're hard, but they're worth it."