Butterfly (14 page)

Is it crazier than letting him
win?

I listen to Ben’s soothing voice
and imagine Theo dressed in women’s clothes, walking through the
high street wearing a red wig, a pink dress, and blue stilettos. He
can’t walk in the heels, and people are pointing at him and
laughing. It’s funny because his outfit is so clashing that
everyone notices him, and he can’t escape. I’m walking behind him,
calling him names. The crowd claps me on, jeering at him. He falls
over in the middle of the street in front of everyone, terrified,
embarrassed, and ashamed.

A laugh slips out of my mouth
before I even know it’s escaped.

Then suddenly I’m getting bigger
and bigger, more powerful, turning into a giant, and he’s shrinking
and looking more terrified with every second. A taxi comes along,
and I kick him into it and slam the door. The last thing I do is
give the driver a one-way fare to China.

When I open my eyes, Ben’s got a
big smile on his face. ‘Did that help?’

I smile back. I can’t help
myself. I look down at his fingers, still entwined in mine. ‘It
really helped. How can I be scared of a cross-dressing man in a
clashing outfit who’s on his way to China?’

‘You’ve got a great laugh, you
know,’ he says. ‘I’d love to hear it more often.’

‘Yeah, well, I haven’t had much
to laugh about lately.’

‘You will.’ He presses my palms
together and holds his hands on the outside of them. ‘Do you feel
OK now?’

I look into his dark eyes. The
panic attack now seems like a distant memory. Whenever he’s with me
I feel more than OK, and I don’t know what I’ll do when he’s got a
new job. His interview is next week, and although I really want him
to get it, I’m going to miss having him here with me.

‘Shall I walk you back to the
flat?’ He releases my hands.

‘Thanks.’ I wipe my face with
the heel of my hands as embarrassment creeps in at what he’s
witnessed yet again. I must look a complete mess, but if I do, Ben
doesn’t give any indication of it.

I turn off the lights, lock the
door, and he takes hold of my hand again.

‘You’re safe, OK? You’ll always
be safe with me. I promise nothing bad will happen to you while I’m
around.’ He threads his fingers through mine and walks me back
around to my flat.

He watches as I head up the
stairs to my front door. I put my key in the lock and hesitate
before turning it. I don’t know if it’s the visualization exercise
he just got me to do that makes me feel suddenly bold, or the fact
that I don’t know how much time we have left working together, but
I surprise myself by saying, ‘We didn’t get that celebration
drink.’

‘No.’

‘Do you…do you want to go for a
drink tomorrow night and help me celebrate?’

He smiles. ‘I’d like that. Where
do you want to go?’

‘How about a quiet pub?’

‘Sounds perfect. But on one
condition.’

I tilt my head, confused.
‘What’s that?’

‘It should be a proper
celebration, so you need a night off completely from your trauma.
The condition is we only talk about good things. Deal?’

I laugh, because it seems like
such a counsellor/psychologist thing to say, but at the same time,
it’s what I need to hear. ‘Deal.’

‘Good. I’ll see you tomorrow,
then,’ he says.

I head inside and check the
locks once. Everything that he tells me to do to get over this
empowers me a little bit more every day, and I can’t wait to write
it all down because this is a turning point. I’m not giving Theo
control over me anymore.

As I grab the journal and tuck
my legs underneath me on the sofa, my phone pings with a text from
Ben.

‘Are you all locked up? You
didn’t text?’

‘Sorry, forgot to text you. Yes,
they’re locked. Thanks, Ben.’

‘You don’t have to thank me.
Good night, Grace.’

‘Night, Ben.’

I smile and start writing:

Positive thought of the day:
Face Everything and Rise!

Thing I’m grateful for: Ben
(again!)

The visualization exercise was
amazing. As I did it, I could feel the power draining out of him
and seeping into me. Ben was right; being able to laugh at him has
lessened his hold over me. And I’ve made a decision. I’m not going
to allow myself to be afraid any more…

I write for two hours. As I head
for bed, I can’t stop the huge smile on my face. I’m taking control
of my life now.

This is the beginning of a new
Grace.

28

BEN

I walk back home, unable to stop
smiling. I’m so glad I was there to help her tonight. I couldn’t
stand the thought of her falling apart like that without me. It’s
just so wrong.

A drink is good. A drink in a
pub means something other than work friends chatting over a hot
chocolate, doesn’t it? It’s a big step for her to ask something
like that, so I want to make sure it’s a perfect night. I can’t
mess this up. She’s become too important to me.

After what happened to Mia, I
said I’d never allow myself to feel anything for anyone ever again,
but Grace has crept under my skin. No, more than that. She’s
burrowed through all the scar tissue and crept into my heart.

The walls I’ve built around
myself are crumbling, and it’s all because of her.

29

GRACE

The morning starts off wrong. I
don’t hear my alarm and oversleep, which has happened a few times
lately. I don’t have time to do my makeup, so I swipe on some
lipstick. I’m out the door and in the shop, baking, in record
time.

At eight-thirty, I already have
a queue of five people, and the place is buzzing with conversation
and noise from the customers.

I don’t even see Lisa until she
walks behind the counter, pulling on an apron.

‘What are you doing here?’ I
gasp.

She bumps her shoulder with
mine. ‘I came to see my favourite coffee shop owner. Looks like I’m
just in time, too.’ She winks at me and serves the next
customer.

‘You don’t have to help me out.
You should be at home with your feet up.’

‘I’m too restless, and Jack’s at
work, so I’m bored.’ She fills a customer’s order for a cappuccino.
‘Where’s Ben?’

‘He’s doing his youth
counselling. He’ll be in later.’

Two hours pass, and the queue
disappears. Lisa swings around to me, hand on hip, as if she can’t
wait to tell me something.

‘So, how are you?’ I ask. ‘You
look great.’ I give her a hug. She’s got even bigger in the last
few weeks I haven’t seen her.

She waves her hand through the
air. ‘I’m great. Let’s talk about you instead.’

‘Me?’

‘You look different.’ She eyes
me with a slight smile.

My hand reaches for my cheek.
‘Yeah, I overslept and didn’t get a chance to put my makeup on.
That’s why I look different. I’m surprised I’m not giving the
customers a fright.’

‘You’re too gorgeous to frighten
them off. And you look as fabulous without makeup as you do with
it. No, it’s not that. You look…’ She steps back to observe me more
carefully. ‘Happy. And healthy. You’ve got more colour in your
cheeks.’ She gives me a knowing look. ‘It’s Ben, isn’t it?’

My cheeks flush. ‘I don’t know
what you mean.’

‘Uh-huh.’

I can tell she doesn’t believe
me. She considers me for a while, and when she speaks, her voice is
so low I have to strain to hear it.

‘Don’t let one man ruin things
for all men. I think Ben’s a good guy.’

‘What are you talking about?’ I
make a dismissive tutting sound.

‘I know you’re a private person,
and you’ve never told me what happened to you, but I’m not blind. A
man did something that hurt you in the past. That’s why you never
date anyone, isn’t it?’

My jaw drops open. I can’t be
that transparent, surely. I’ve had a whole year of practicing my
fake life as a normal, sane woman. I’m so shocked I don’t know what
to say. ‘I…um…’

Her face softens into a kind
smile, and she adds, ‘But they’re not all the same. I like Ben. I
think he’s a really nice guy. He’s kind and…’ She purses her lips,
thinking. ‘He’s stable.’

I turn my attention to the
coffee machine, because I’m shocked that she’s guessed something
about my past and never said anything. ‘Ben’s just a friend.’

‘Oh, talk of the devil,’ Lisa
says.

I turn round, and Ben’s walking
through the door. My heart stops for a second before kicking into
gear again as he gives us a big grin.

‘Morning, ladies. How are you
both?’ His gaze searches Lisa’s face before settling on me.

‘Good, thanks.’ I blush as if
somehow he can tell we’ve been talking about him. Well, Lisa’s been
talking about him; I was just roped into it.

‘I’m good, too, thanks.’ Lisa
pats her stomach and watches him watch me.

As he goes to the kitchen to get
an apron, she whispers in my ear, ‘That look he just gave you? That
is so
not
a friend look!’

When Ben steps behind the
counter, Lisa walks round the other side.

‘So, you promised me free drink
and food.’ Lisa grins at me. ‘I’m eating for two now, don’t forget,
and that lemon drizzle cake’s got my name on it.’

‘Coming right up.’ Ben grabs a
plate and loads it up with two pieces. ‘What do you want to
drink?’

‘Guess,’ Lisa says
mischievously.

He studies her for a while. Lisa
doesn’t drink coffee since she’s been pregnant, and the only thing
she used to drink at work was either water or orange juice, which
Ben knows. So I’m surprised when he says, ‘Peppermint tea?’

Lisa raises her eyebrows, her
mouth forming a shocked
O
. ‘How did you know that?’

He shrugs casually with a
lopsided grin. ‘I’m guessing the baby’s sitting a bit high, and
you’ve got indigestion.’ He eyes the cake. ‘So, you’ve got a
craving for peppermint.’

‘OK, Mr Smarty Pants, I bet you
can’t guess the orders of the next people that come in,’ Lisa
says.

He reaches out and shakes her
hand, rising to the challenge. ‘You’re on.’

As the door opens, we all turn
to see the next customer. It’s a guy in his early twenties who
looks like a student, wearing scuffed trainers and jeans so baggy
they’re in danger of falling down.

‘He’s going to have a double
espresso with three sugars,’ Ben whispers to us.

I cross my arms over my chest,
watching with amusement.

‘What can I get you?’ Ben asks
the guy.

‘Double shot of espresso,’ he
says.

Lisa and I give each other
raised eyebrows as Ben smirks.

Ben hands the guy his coffee. He
goes to the self-service counter and dumps in three packets of
sugar.

‘Fluke!’ Lisa says.

‘How did you know?’ I ask
him.

‘He’s got red-rimmed eyes, and
his hair’s still got the imprint of his pillow on it. He’s either
just got up, he’s got a hangover, or he’s been busy cramming for
exams. He needs something to wake him up.’

‘Nah, it’s a fluke.’ Lisa grins.
‘OK, what about her?’

An elderly woman comes through
the doorway. Her short, curly grey hair is wrapped in a scarf, and
she’s bundled up in a thick coat, even though it’s about
twenty-five degrees outside.

‘Cinnamon swirl and a hot
chocolate,’ Ben whispers as the woman examines the food
display.

‘Can I help you?’ I ask her.

‘Yes, can I have a Danish pastry
and a cup of tea, please?’

Lisa and I give Ben a smug
look.

I turn round to do the tea when
she says, ‘Actually, those cinnamon swirls look good. I’ll have one
of those. And make it a hot chocolate instead, please.’

My jaw nearly hits the floor.
Lisa lets out a snort of disbelief.

As the woman takes a seat in the
corner, I say, ‘How did you know that?’

He grins. ‘She just looks like
she could do with it.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
Lisa asks incredulously.

‘Well…she’s got a thick coat on,
even though it’s hot outside, and she looks all skin and bone
underneath. Cinnamon’s warming, and hot chocolate’s
comforting.’

‘Are you psychic?’ Lisa
asks.

‘No, I can just read people
pretty well.’

‘OK, what about her?’ I spy a
gothic-looking girl of about eighteen coming in. Her black hair is
backcombed high on her head. Thick black eye makeup, red lipstick,
and wearing black leggings with a black ripped T-shirt.

‘Earl Grey tea,’ Ben
chuckles.

‘No way,’ Lisa says. ‘I think
it’s black coffee.’

‘What can I get you?’ Ben asks
her.

‘A large Earl Grey tea to take
out, please.’ She smiles at him.

OK, I’m officially impressed
now.

‘Earl Grey?’ Lisa shakes her
head as the girl heads back out of the shop. ‘What? How do you do
it? There’s no way you could know that.’

Ben casually crosses his arms
over his chest. ‘My lips are sealed.’

‘No, go on,’ I say. ‘How did you
know it was Earl Grey?’

‘OK, I saw her in the
supermarket the other day buying it when I was getting some.’ He
gives us a goofy grin, laughs, and ducks out of the way as Lisa
tries to slap his arm.

As Ben heads off to clear some
tables so he doesn’t get another slap, Lisa whispers to me, ‘When I
was talking about Ben’s attributes earlier, I missed out that he’s
also good fun.’

I watch him and smile, because
Lisa’s right. I thought being a counsellor, he’d be quite sensible
and serious, and he is when he needs to be. So I’m a little
surprised that the more I get to know him, the more I realize he’s
someone with a fun sense of humour who can also make me laugh. No
man’s done that in a long time.

A ripple of excitement unfolds
through me at the thought of spending a whole evening with him away
from work.

30