Butterfly (26 page)

Before I can do or say anything,
Grace straightens her spine and narrows her eyes at him. She looks
composed, calm, and very angry. Only the slight trembling of her
body against me gives away the fact she’s nervous and unsure of
herself.

‘Go away. I’ve got nothing to
say to you.’ she says.

‘Why are you doing this, Grace?
Why are you trying to ruin Theo’s reputation when you know he’s
done nothing wrong?’ Edward spreads his arms wide, palms up, in a
gesture that all politicians use when they’re trying to fake
honesty.

Grace stiffens beside me, and I
pull her tighter, letting her know she’s got my support. I won’t
let anything bad happen to her.

‘Don’t even try and make excuses
for him! How can you want your
son
to get away with what he
does to women?’ Her voice rises with anger.

‘Get away with what?’ He snorts.
‘All I see are a couple of jealous and immature ex-girlfriends who
are just annoyed their meal ticket’s walked out the door.’

‘What?’ Grace yells. ‘What are
you talking about?’

Edward tilts his head and gives
her a smug smile. ‘In case you haven’t forgotten, I’m the mayor
here, so I have a considerable amount of influence and power. It’s
not going to take much for us to prove the real picture to the
jury. You and Rebecca were angry that Theo ended his relationships
with you because you’re a couple of gold diggers. So you fabricate
some story about him raping you both to get back at him.’ He shrugs
casually, as if he believes his own lies. ‘Who do you think the
jury will believe? An up-and-coming lawyer, who also happens to be
an esteemed member of society and the son of the mayor, or a couple
of money-grabbing attention-seeking whores with dead end jobs?’ He
glares, eyes full of hatred. ‘Come on, Grace, just forget about
this thing.’

‘“This thing”?’ Grace cries
incredulously.

‘You need to leave now.’ My jaw
clenches as I fight to keep my voice and my breathing calm, trying
to dampen down the raging fire of anger burning a hole in my
gut.

‘Yes. Get the hell out of here,’
Grace says through gritted teeth, nostrils flaring.

He doesn’t move.

‘She told you to leave.’ I force
the fury back down to a place deep inside where it will never come
out.

He turns cold blue eyes on me.
‘Really? And what’s it got to do with you?’

‘It’s got everything to do with
me.’ I give him a hard stare.

He ignores me and focuses on
Grace. ‘You and Rebecca have ganged up together with some vendetta
to spread your vicious pack of lies. Just tell the truth, Grace,
that’s all I’m asking for.’

‘Tell the truth?’ Grace shouts.
‘Maybe you should ask your son about telling the truth! He raped
me. He raped Rebecca. And you want him to get away with it? You’re
no better than him.’ She snarls and storms towards the steps to her
flat. ‘Get off my property before I call the police,’ she yells
without looking back.

‘Don’t try to see her or speak
to her again, or I’ll report you for interfering with a witness.’ I
don’t trust myself to say anything more, because what might come
out could lead me to do something else. I leave him standing there
and take the steps two at a time, adrenaline pumping through me so
hard I can taste it in the back of my throat.

When I get inside, shivers wrack
Grace’s whole body. Tears roll down her face. Her expression is
both fierce and tragic.

‘I can’t do this.’ She clutches
her arms around herself. ‘I thought I could, but I can’t. You heard
what he said. They’ll try to turn it around so it looks like
we’re
the ones lying. They’ll make up a lot of rubbish about
us. Everything’s stacked in his favour.’

‘Everything except the truth.’ I
reach for her, but she steps back so I can’t touch her.

‘It’s bad enough seeing his dad,
but what’s it going to be like in court seeing Theo there?’ She
clenches her fists and paces up and down. ‘Edward doesn’t believe
us, and even Claire didn’t. How can we convince a jury we’re
telling the truth?’

I stuff my hands in my pockets
to stop me reaching for her again. ‘No one’s going to tell you that
you
have
to go through with this. It’s your choice. You
don’t—’

‘Yeah. Not much of a choice, is
it?’ She cuts me off, her eyes blazing. ‘If I drop the charges,
he’ll get away with it and be free to do it again, and I’ll
definitely look like I’m lying. And if I go through with it, I’ll
be attacked in the witness box. How is that fair?’

I ignore her anger, trying to
get through to her. ‘You have to do what’s right for you, but if
you
do
want to do it, I know you can. I know you’ll get
through this the way you’ve got through everything in your life,
with the courage of a lioness. Even when you were broken and
destroyed, deep down you still didn’t give up that spark to fight
back. I think you can do anything you want to, Grace. And you
already are.’

‘It doesn’t feel like it.’

‘You’re not the same person you
were. Don’t let him win with—’

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, Ben, what
would you know? You think you have all the right answers. You think
you know what’s going through everyone’s minds. You’re so bloody
perfect, aren’t you?’ Her eyes flash with fury and pain, devoid of
all the warmth I usually see there.

It goes through my mind to tell
her the truth. Then she’d know just how far from perfect I really
am. I tell myself not to say anything, because I want to get her
through this trial. I want to be there for her so she can lay all
her ghosts to rest, once and for all. And yes, that’s true. But the
hypocrite in me knows there’s another reason I don’t say anything,
and it’s purely selfish. If she knows the real me, she’ll never
love me. How could she when the truth is black, dangerous, and
ugly? She’ll run like hell and never look back, and I’m so
terrified of losing her I can’t tell her.

‘I wish I
was
perfect,
Grace,’ I say, running a hand over my hair.

‘Just leave me alone.’ She turns
her back on me. ‘I need some time to think.’

I can’t push her. Don’t want her
to get further out of reach than she already is. I know she’s
hanging onto her fear and insecurities to try to protect herself. I
walk out of her flat to give her space and just hope she forgives
me.

For everything.

51

GRACE

I pace up and down the lounge,
full of pent up aggression. My shoulders are tight, as if the
muscles are about to snap and unravel at any moment. I can’t
believe Edward showed up here like that. But then, should I have
expected any less? They can’t see Theo’s an arrogant, spoilt,
selfish narcissist, who’s very clever at charming the world. And
they don’t believe Rebecca or me, so who else will? When it comes
down to a choice of the mayor’s son or a girl who works in a coffee
shop, who will they believe? Is this trial all going to be for
nothing? Will he get away with it?

I sink onto the sofa and chew my
thumbnail. I feel like giving up. I should’ve known all along that
I couldn’t do this. Who have I been kidding?

I’m angry with Ben, too. He let
me believe I could get over this. I needed to prove to myself I
could complete the final piece in my journey and put closure on
what Theo did by seeing him where he belongs, in prison. Theo
killed part of me when he raped me, and this was my chance to kill
him back.

And now?

Now, I just don’t know if I
can.

Seeing Edward brought it all
back. I thought I’d been doing so well and now everything is
just…hopeless.

I grab my journal and record
every thought, every despair, every futile wish, every fear
hurtling through me at this moment. Every possible emotion battling
to get out. And when it’s all spilled out onto the pages, I hurl it
across the room, watching the pages of my life flutter before me as
it falls to the floor and lands open on the very first page I
wrote.

I stare at the journal, and it’s
as if those first words are taunting me to read them. I chew on the
skin around my thumbnail until it bleeds, willing the tears
scorching behind my eyelids not to fall.

I will not cry. I will not cry.
Not for him. Not anymore.

I stride across the room, snatch
up the journal, and go back to what I wrote all those months ago
when Ben gave it to me.

It takes six hours to read
everything, and by the end, I’m amazed at myself. At what I was
like in the beginning. How I sat in front of the door night after
night with a knife in my hand, scared shitless, waiting for Theo to
come and get me. How I uncontrollably checked all the locks. How I
was an empty shell, going through the motions of existing but never
living. The panic attacks, the self-blame, guilt, hopelessness.

At that moment, I know Ben’s
right. I’m not the same woman I was back then. I’ve come so far.
I’m not that dead girl walking, and I
can
do anything,
because I’ve lived through it and I’ve survived. I’m not a helpless
victim anymore, and I’m bloody well sure I’m not going to act like
one. Not for Theo, his dad, or anyone else.

It strikes me then that maybe
Edward does believe me after all. Maybe he’s desperately clutching
at straws, trying to intimidate me into dropping the charges
because he knows Rebecca and I are telling the truth.

But his words have had the
reverse effect. I’m ablaze with anger at the injustice of it all,
and I’m even more determined now not to give in and give up. I’m
not going to give them what they want to make this disappear. I’m
not going to roll over and play dead anymore, and I’m not going to
let them win. The story is mine to tell, and I’m ready to tell it.
I refuse to stay silent any longer, because it’s not my shame.

I get into bed and touch the
side of the sheets where Ben usually sleeps. It’s cold and empty
without him. God, I’ve been a total bitch to him tonight when all
he’s ever done is be there for me with endless patience, kindness,
and support. I need to apologize, but it’s too late to text him
tonight, and I can’t say what I want over the phone.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow I’m going to tell Ben
for the first time just how much I love him.

52

BEN

My flat is unlived in and
unloved. It smells of damp and stale air. I haven’t spent the night
here in ages. Every night I’ve had Grace wrapped in my arms,
talking, laughing, caressing her, keeping her safe.

The counsellor in me knows this
is just another part of the healing process. The trial’s dragging
up old memories she wants to forget, and I thought it would happen.
It’s good she’s angry about it. It shows how far she’s come, even
if she can’t see it herself. But the guy who’s in love with her
just wants to be there for her. Hold her through the night. Kiss
away her tears. I feel helpless, and it brings back memories of
Mia.

I’m angry, too. I can’t believe
Edward Porter had the fucking nerve to try to intimidate her.

I strip off and take my anger
out on the punch bag. When I’m exhausted, I shower and lie on the
bed, staring at the ceiling and worrying about how she’s doing.
When I can’t take it anymore, I reach into my bedside drawer and
pull out the small velvet jewellery box. I open it and stare at
what’s inside. I was waiting to give this to her after the trial. I
thought it would be symbolic of the ending of her past. But maybe
she needs to see this now so she’ll believe in herself again.

Tomorrow. I’ll give it to her
tomorrow.

I switch off the lights and
close my eyes, but I don’t sleep. I toss and turn, my whole body
aching for her.

At one-thirty a.m., my phone on
the bedside table rings. I’m in such a rush to check if it’s her, I
launch myself towards it and knock it to the floor. Jumping out of
bed, I grab the phone.

It
is
her.

‘Grace, are you OK?’ My heart
thuds erratically.

‘I’m so sorry about last night,
Ben. I didn’t mean what I said. I was going to wait until later
this morning to phone, but I couldn’t wait any more. I…I need
you.’

A smile so wide my mouth aches
quickly replaces my worried frown. ‘I’ll be there in an hour.’

I actually make it in forty-five
minutes, since I run all the way to her place. And then I’m banging
on her door.

‘I’m sorry.’ She pulls me
towards her before I’m even though the door.

‘You don’t have to
apologize.’

‘You’re always saying that.’

‘But it’s true.’

‘I was horrible to you.’

‘I’ve got big shoulders. I can
take it.’ I shrug it off. ‘The trial’s a big deal. It’s bound to
stir up memories of everything that’s happened and make you feel
like you’re going backwards.’

She looks at me, reaching her
hand up and running it through my messy layers. I love it when she
does that. In fact, I love everything about her.

‘Well, I’m still sorry.’

‘That was our first row,’ I say,
thinking how many firsts I’ve had with her so far.

She looks up at me coyly and
smiles. ‘Yes, but you know what this means, don’t you?’

‘What?’

‘That we can get to have make-up
sex.’ Her voice is husky as she tosses her hair over her shoulder
and gives me a sultry smile.

My heart skips a beat. The look
in her eyes tells me she’s ready. More than ready. She wants me
inside her as much as I want it. I arch an eyebrow, feeling myself
going hard just at the thought. ‘Make-up sex?’

‘Uh-huh.’ She nods.

‘Grace, you don’t have to do
this.’

‘I know I don’t have to. I want
to,’ she whispers, her voice husky. ‘I’m not letting Theo steal any
more from me.’

‘You’re just using me for my
body, aren’t you?’ I give her a mischievous smile.

She gasps, a hand flying to her
chest as she fakes shock. ‘As if I would! Although, I have to say,
it
is
an amazing body.’