Butterfly (24 page)

Solid blows blast into the heavy
bag. Animalistic sounds pour from my mouth. I can see Theo’s face.
His arrogant, smug smile as he spread those vicious lies. Covered
his tracks.

‘Fucking bastard! Liar!’ I yell
over the music with each hard punch.

In my head, I’m annihilating
Theo with every smack of my gloves against the heavy leather bag.
Diminishing the hold he has over me. Giving him a full taste of my
anger.

When I’m spent, I flop to the
floor and lie on my back, chest heaving, arms shaking. And Ben
still doesn’t ask me what’s happened. Knowing him, he can probably
guess. He just lies down beside me, carefully removes the gloves,
pulls me into his arms and strokes my hair, patiently waiting for
me to talk.

I don’t know how long we lie
like that in silence, but it seems like hours. Finally, my thoughts
are calm enough to tell him what happened in the ladies’ room.

‘Do you know what hurt the most,
though? The fact that she didn’t believe me. I mean, I know how
good Theo is at charming people. But how could she think I would
make up something like that? It hurt. It really hurt me. Aren’t
women supposed to stick together when it happens?’

‘No one wants to admit someone
they know can do something like that. It’s easier to deny it, cover
it up, silence it. There’s a compulsion to discredit a victim
rather than have to witness their pain, because that makes them a
party to it when, really, they want to banish it from their minds.
And there’s an element involved that if you don’t talk about it,
it’s not happening. Telling someone makes it real, and some people
just don’t want face that we live in a world where this happens. If
they admit it, it might make them vulnerable to the same thing. It
might turn it into a prophecy. Or they’ll have to admit they have
no control over what happens to them. But while people stay quiet
about it, the rapes go on and on and provide cover for
rapists.’

‘But it’s not fair.’

‘No. Life rarely is.’

I think about what he’s said and
about things I want to change in the world but can’t. In the end,
I’m just grateful he’s here. ‘Thank you,’ I finally say.

‘For what?’

‘For being you. For letting me
be me. For being there. For believing in me. For always doing and
saying the perfect thing. For everything.’

He kisses me so softly, as if
I’m fragile, a brittle leaf that might crumble to pieces in his
hand. And I don’t want to be fragile anymore. Don’t want him to
treat me as if I am. What happened with Claire has just made me
more determined to prove to myself that I can’t let Theo have
control over me anymore. I don’t want him to own my memories of
what a man is, or what intimacy with a man is. Instead of being
weak and helpless,
I
need to be in control, and that means
allowing myself to feel comfortable with Ben’s body. All of his
body, because the only man whose body I’ve known is Theo’s. I want
to purge it from my brain and imprint Ben’s there instead, so when
the time is finally right, I’m no longer afraid of what Ben feels
like. Just because he’s a man doesn’t make him the man who stole
something from me. Giving myself to him completely is still just
out of reach, but I have to get one step closer to fixing it. Now
I’ve had a taste of what real love is, I want everything.

I want to replace the bad
memories with a new one of Ben, so I do something I’ve thought
about doing for a long time, something I
need
to do for
myself. I have to do this so I can give myself to him eventually
with no anxiety or hesitation, and I’ll be free of the ghosts in my
head.

The music has changed to slower
tracks from Snow Patrol. I kneel on the floor and undo the buttons
of his jeans, keeping my gaze on him.

‘Grace.’ His voice hitches, and
his hand clutches mine, stopping me from going any further.

‘Please don’t stop me. I want to
do this. I want to make you feel good, too. Even if I’m not ready
for full sex, I want to take you to the same place you take me. I
need
to know I can do this for you, and for me.’ I tug at
his jeans, and his hips arch as I pull them down.

I slide my hands over his thighs
and up his boxers. He’s hard and ready for my touch as I
tentatively trace the line of his erection. The part I’m scared
of.

‘Oh, shit,’ he groans, his head
rolling back onto the sofa.

I leave a trail of kisses along
his rock hard abs, around his hipbones, his belly button, my tongue
tracing random patterns as I go. The scent of his skin, spicy and
masculine, is so different to Theo’s, so intoxicating. I inhale
deeply, letting it permeate my senses so I memorize it.

My fingers wander back to his
erection again, touching the base and moving upwards, my thumb
circling the tip lightly before retracing my steps up and down.

His lashes flutter as he watches
me, his eyes hooded and smouldering. I pull the waistband of his
boxers down and take him in my mouth. The primal sound of his voice
spurs me on, makes my heart beat faster. I slowly swirl my tongue
around the velvety tip before sliding it to the base and then back
up again, tasting, touching, wanting him. When I take all of his
length in my mouth, his fingers plunge into my hair.

‘That’s so good. So amazingly
good. You don’t know what you do to me.’

My mouth encloses him, sucking
as my tongue strokes and licks, teases and flicks.

‘I’m not going to last much
longer,’ he pants out.

I intensify the speed then slow
down, sweeping my lips and tongue across him lightly before
building up to a steady rhythm again. His thighs tense, and his
hips lift. He cries out my name, a sexy, breathy sound, as his
orgasm hits, leaving him trembling in my mouth.

I wait until the last wave has
hit and look up at his hooded eyes. Knowing I can give him the same
pleasure and love he gives me puts me on such a high. I want to
give back everything he’s given to me. I can’t help but smile at
the thought I put that look on his face.

He lifts me by my elbows and
pulls me on top of him, possessively kissing me, leaving no part of
my mouth untouched.

‘No one’s touched me like that
in a long time, Grace. There’s been no one significant in my life
before you.’ He breathes into my throat.

‘You’ve never been in love
before?’ I frown.

‘No. I don’t even think I’ve
been alive before I met you.’

I’m shocked at how someone so
kind, so beautiful, who could have his pick of any woman he wants,
has never felt this way before. And it makes me feel even more
special, more worthy, than I ever thought possible.

My heart almost crumbles then,
and I wrap myself around him and lose myself in his arms.

~~~~

Later that evening, we’re
snuggled up on the sofa watching a DVD when my phone rings. Ben
pauses the film while I answer.

‘Hi, Jack, how are you? How’s
Lisa? Is everything OK?’

‘Yeah, it’s more than OK.’ His
voice is high with excitement. ‘Lisa’s had the baby, and I thought
you’d want to know.’

‘Oh, wow!’ I squeal. ‘Are they
both all right?’

‘They’re fantastic. Seven pounds
eight ounces. We’re going to call her Leila.’

‘That’s a beautiful name.’

‘Lisa would love to see
you.’

‘Me too. When can I see
her?’

‘She’s coming home tomorrow, so
you’re welcome to come round when you finish work if you like?’

‘I can’t wait!’

‘See you tomorrow, then. I’ve
got a ton of people to call, so I’d better go.’

‘Congratulations, Jack.’ I hang
up and turn to Ben with a smile, passing on what Jack’s just told
me. ‘I’m going to see her tomorrow night.’

‘Great. Can I come with
you?’

I’m surprised for a second. Theo
would never have wanted to hang out with my friends, if I had any;
they wouldn’t have been good enough for him. The more I think about
things, the more I realize everything was on his terms. ‘Are you
sure you want to?’ I frown.

He plants a kiss on my forehead.
‘Absolutely.’

‘How did I get so lucky to find
you?’ I run my fingers through his hair.

‘Ditto, Grace.’

~~~~

Lisa opens the door looking
tired but incredibly happy. ‘Hey, you.’ She looks over my shoulder
at Ben. ‘And hey you, too!’

I hug her. ‘How are you? Can I
see the baby? Did it go OK? How was the birth? Was it painful?’ I
babble on.

Ben shuts the door as Lisa pulls
me down the hallway into the lounge. Sleeping in a car seat is the
most gorgeous little bundle, with puffy pink cheeks and long blonde
eyelashes.

‘She’s beautiful.’ I bend down
and stare at her perfect face.

‘She is, but she’s a screamer.
Already!’ She grins at me. ‘She must get that from Jack. It’s
definitely not from me.’

Ben kneels next to me to admire
her. ‘She’s got your nose, Lisa.’

Lisa touches her nose. ‘Do you
think so?’

‘Uh-huh.’

Leila wakes up then, sees two
strangers practically in her face, and screams.

‘See, I told you.’ Lisa picks
her up and cradles her. ‘Shh.’ She rests her lips on the baby’s
fine hair and whispers to her. ‘She’s hungry, another thing she
takes after Jack with.’ Lisa bottle-feeds Leila as Ben slips off to
the toilet. ‘Oh my God. Tell me everything, quick, before he comes
back!’ Lisa gives me a knowing look.

‘What?’ I fake ignorance.

‘You. Him. You’re together,
right?’

I can’t hold back the beaming
smile. ‘Yep.’

‘I knew it. I could see it
before you could even see it yourself.’ She grins. ‘I’m
jealous.’

‘How can you be jealous?’ I
laugh. ‘You’ve got Jack and this gorgeous girl.’

She waves a hand through the
air. ‘OK, I’m not jealous. Ben’s so loved up, I can see it a mile
off.’

‘Really? You think?’

‘Oh, yeah.’ She raises her
eyebrows and studies me. ‘So are you. The way you look at each
other is like fireworks are about to go off. I think he’s a really
great guy.’ Her face turns serious for a second. ‘He’s a keeper,
Grace.’

Ben comes back into the room,
and it’s probably obvious we’ve been talking about him since my
face flushes with a thousand volts.

When Leila’s had enough milk,
Lisa sits her up and burps her.

‘Can I hold her?’ Ben asks.

‘Of course. Just make sure you
support her head.’ Lisa shows him how to carry Leila and slides her
into Ben’s arms. He walks round the room, cooing at Leila, kissing
her head. It’s so gentle, so adorable, and so utterly sexy seeing
him like that. It makes me dare to dream of a future now.

Our future.

48

BEN

‘Well done, ladies. You should
all be really proud of yourselves. You’ve finished the self-defence
course, and I hope it’s taught you some great strategies to use if
you’re ever in danger.’ I smile at the group of women in front of
me at the Women’s Centre.

They clap, looking elated and
more confident in being able to deal with a possible threat. They
give me a chorus of ‘Thanks’ and hug each other.

‘If you have time, I have some
feedback questionnaires you can fill in about the course.’ I wave a
stack of forms in the air and put them on the table at the back of
the room.

Kate, the director of the
Women’s Centre, opens the door and pokes her head round. She’s in
her late fifties with short grey hair and a calm, professional, and
capable air about her, but she’s not standoffish in any way. She’s
kind and caring and always has a smile for everyone. From what I’ve
seen of her, she’s a champion for the women who come here. Seeing
we’ve finished, she makes her way over, chatting to some people on
the way.

‘I wanted to have a word with
you. Is now a good time?’ she asks.

Kate knows about my past. When
my parole officer was helping me set up the voluntary courses here,
he obviously disclosed it to her. Usually, people see I’ve got a
criminal record and that’s it. Doors closed. Amazingly, though, she
thought my MMA background would make me better at teaching the
classes and was prepared to take a chance on me. She’s one of the
few people I’ve come across who thinks like that.

But tonight she looks serious.
I’m worried she’s going to pull the plug on the courses, and I
think they’ve been going really well.

Inside my guts churn, but I
cover my nervousness with a smile. ‘Yes, of course.’

She tilts her head at the
doorway. ‘Come into my office.’

I follow her out, and some of
the women thank me again.

She sits at her desk and swings
round in her chair to face me. ‘Shut the door, please.’

I do what she says and sit
opposite her.

‘The feedback you’ve been
getting from the self-defence course has been good. The women feel
really comfortable with you.’

‘Thanks, I’m just glad I can do
something constructive for them.’ I wait for the big ‘but’ to come.
There’s always a ‘but’.

‘You’ve also finished your
counselling accreditation now, haven’t you?’

‘Yes. I’ve been applying for
some full time jobs, but nothing so far.’ I give her a small
shrug.

She steeples her fingers then
rests them against her lips, studying me for a moment. ‘Why did you
want to be a counsellor, Ben?’

‘Pardon?’ The question surprises
me.

‘I’m just interested in what got
you to this point.’

I adjust myself in my seat.
‘Well…I wanted to become a counsellor because it gives me the
strength and purpose to go on with my own life, I suppose.’

She nods slowly, and I don’t
know if that’s a good answer or a bad one. It’s the only answer I
have, because it’s the truth.

‘A while back your parole
officer mentioned you wanted to specialize in rape counselling’