Butterfly (20 page)

I’m ready.

I pull out some sexy underwear
that I bought after work. It has to be new. Red lacy knickers and
matching bra. Nothing that’s associated with the old Grace.

I stand in front of the mirror
and smile approvingly. I hope Ben’s going to like them. I put on a
little mascara and swipe beige lipstick over my mouth before
pulling on tight jeans and a fitted shirt.

And in that moment, I’ve
transformed myself. For the first time since the rape—the first
time forever, actually—I feel like a sexy woman.

I can’t wait to see his face
when he gets here.

40

BEN

She looks more amazing than
usual, if that’s even possible. And something else about her is
different. A spark of something in her eyes that makes them look
mischievous and incredibly sexy.

Before I can say how stunning
she is, she pulls me inside her flat and kisses me, giving back the
breath she’s just stolen.

I’m hard instantly; I can’t help
myself. I cup her cheeks in my hands, but it’s not enough. I need
to feel her body. I run my fingers along the ridges of her spine,
over the thin material of her shirt as they dip in and out.

I’m lost in her. Totally fucking
lost. I love this woman with all my heart, and I never thought it
was possible.

She untucks my T-shirt, and her
fingertips on my back almost make me come there and then.

One of her hands strays to my
stomach, her fingers splaying across my abs and running up my
chest. There’s urgency in her movements. It takes all the strength
I have to pull back slightly. I stare into her eyes, silently
questioning her.

‘I want to do this,’ she
whispers, running her fingers through my hair and tugging on the
ends.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes. I won’t lie and say I’m
not a little afraid, but I want to. I want you. I want you to take
him away.’

‘You’re in complete control,
here, Grace. We can stop any time you want. You just have to say
the word, OK?’

‘OK.’

I’ve thought about this moment
for so long. I’ve played it out in my fantasies, alone, and it’s
going to take some strong self-control not to fall apart too
soon.

‘We’ll start slow,’ I say. ‘I’m
happy to just kiss you all night. Let’s leave our clothes on and
see what happens. No pressure.’

‘Clothes on?’ She cocks a
confused eyebrow.

‘It’s amazing how much fun you
can have with your clothes on.’ The suggestion of a smile plays
across my lips as I pick her up and carry her into the bedroom.

41

GRACE

We lie on our sides, facing each
other on the bed. He curls one of his arms protectively round my
waist, drawing me closer so there’s no space left between us. My
heads rests on his shoulder as his mouth grazes my ear, his moist
breath making me shiver.

‘I love you, Grace,’ he
whispers.

My pulse trembles in my throat.
I want to say it back, but I can’t. Not until I can be free enough
from the past to make love to him.

His penetrating stare reaches
deep inside me, turning my insides to liquid. The gentleness there
is like velvet caressing my heart and makes the barriers inside
come crashing down around me.

‘I want you to touch me,’ I
whimper.

‘There’s no hurry. I’m happy to
hold you all night.’

‘Ben, I want you to.’

He reads the look in my eyes,
giving him full permission, and his fingertips skim down my neck as
he kisses that sensitive spot behind my ear. My breath shudders.
The anticipation in the air so thick and loaded.

His fingers move lower, dancing
over my throat, my collarbone, the swell of my breast.

Lower. Sliding down my side,
stroking my hip. My thigh.

His kiss deepens, his touch
coaxing unfamiliar feelings in me, causing heat to slither through
every cell.

‘Are you OK?’ he asks.

I nod, drawing in a short burst
of air that he’s sucked right out of me.

He gazes into my eyes with such
warm intensity it makes my head spin. I’m falling into his eyes,
unable to put one rational thought together. I’m heady with the
sensation of his body against mine.

His tongue traces the seam of my
lips before sucking on my lower one, pulling it towards him,
claiming my mouth once more as he palms my breast through my
shirt.

I inhale sharply.

‘Still OK?’

‘Uh-huh,’ I just about
manage.

I lift the bottom of his
T-shirt, pulling it upwards, wanting to feel his skin. He fumbles
to pull it over his head as my hands glide up the taut muscles of
his stomach. His breath catches, and he groans. Or it could be me
groaning. I’m so lost, I can’t tell anymore. Don’t know who I
am.

Where I am.

What day it is.

All I feel is him, and his
touch, taking over every single part of me. I’m drunk on Ben.

‘God, I’m going to explode soon
if you keep touching me like that,’ he says hoarsely.

My gaze takes in his body.
Smooth, defined, strong. The smattering of dark hair on his chest.
His segmented abs that just beg to be kissed. The line of hair
below his navel that travels down lower, disappearing into his
jeans. He’s scary-beautiful. I run my palms along his skin, wanting
to touch every part of him.

His thumb strokes around the
outside of my nipple, a touch so light it’s almost unbearable.

I want more.

Arching into him, I press my
breast against his hand, moaning as the other tickles up and down
the base of my spine, the touch barely there but sending excited
impulses shooting between my thighs.

He plays with the buttons on my
shirt. ‘Do you want me to take it off or leave it on?’

‘Off,’ I whisper.

He unbuttons my blouse slowly,
allowing easier access to my body as he slides his mouth over mine.
Letting the material fall to the sides, his lips retrace the steps
his fingers took, kissing a trail down my throat, over my
collarbone, towards my breasts.

My head falls back, and my mouth
parts. I trail a hand over his biceps, working its way up to his
shoulders, his pecs, marvelling at how firm and solid the contours
of his body are under my hands before skimming them down his
abdomen.

He groans deep in his throat,
his muscles clenching tight for a second before relaxing again. His
hand slides lower over my jeans-encased thighs, between my legs.
His tongue works sensual magic on my breast over the delicate lace
of my bra, kissing around the outside before turning his attention
to my puckered nipple. He sucks it into his mouth through the
fabric, his tongue swirling around, painstakingly slowly.

I gasp, curling my fingers in
his hair to pull him closer.

He moves to my other breast, his
tongue sweeping over it before nibbling and sucking gently, moving
from one to the other. A moan erupts in the back of my throat as I
melt beneath him.

He pulls back abruptly. ‘Is this
all right?’ He stares into my eyes.

I nod, the heat from his hand
between my thighs mixing with the heat from my most private place
as he strokes me through my jeans, fingers running up and down
sensuously.

He adjusts himself slightly,
cradling my head in one hand while the other somehow manages to
find my sweet spot through the material, just where I need it. He
alternates between moving in slow circles and sliding up and down
with just the barest hint of movement.

Noises I don’t recognize fall
from my mouth.

‘Is that good?’ he asks.

‘Oh, God, yes.’ I rest my hand
on his as it moves against me, a silent message that I don’t want
him to stop.

He presses harder, his fingers
affecting me in a way I never knew was possible.

‘Still good?’ he asks.

‘Uh…huh.’ I can barely speak
over the throbbing sensation that’s building up between my thighs,
and I can’t contain the sighs slipping from between my lips.

His mouth moves back to mine,
swallowing the sounds as his fingers caress and stroke me into
oblivion, driving me wild, pushing me over the edge with a touch so
gentle, so soft, I’m spinning with longing.

When my orgasm ripples through
me, I clutch his shoulders tight, pressing my chest against his,
panting my breath into his mouth as I fall apart.

As the last shudders fade away
and my thighs are left trembling, he slides his hand away, back up
my stomach, over my nipple to the base of my throat. His thumb
traces a circle on my skin as his tongue delves into my mouth
again. Then he rolls onto his back, gathering me into his arms on
top of him. One hand is at the nape of my neck, the other stroking
my hair as I rest my head on his chest, unable to believe what just
happened and how he made me feel. So wanted. Sexy. Beautiful. So
good. The first orgasm I’ve had with a man was mind-blowing.
Overwhelming.

‘I never knew…I mean…no one’s
ever…’ I say breathlessly, embarrassed to admit no one’s ever done
this to me before.

He lifts my chin and runs his
fingers through my hair, pushing it away from my face as his gaze
meets mine, understanding my words perfectly. ‘I’m just happy I
could make it good for you.’

‘I want to do the same for you,’
I say.

He kisses behind my ear then
whispers into my skin, ‘I can wait. This is all about you, Grace.
What you want is the only thing that’s important to me.’

His warm breath makes me
shudder.

‘Do you want more?’ His voice is
gravelly, low.

I can hardly speak because I’m
craving more, so I just make do with nodding.

He rolls me onto my back and
laces his fingers through mine, stretching my arms above my head
while his tongue seeks mine.

Releasing my hands, he lifts up
on one elbow. ‘How much more do you want?’

‘I want to try and do this,’ I
whisper.

‘You’re sure?’

I nod, biting my lip.

He crawls down my body, leaving
a trail of kisses until he gets to my jeans. Slowly, he unbuttons
them, pulling them off and throwing them onto the floor. His gaze
sweeps over me as if trying to commit every part to memory. ‘You’re
so beautiful.’

My lips curl into a smile, and I
touch his stomach, splaying my hands across the perfectly sculpted
rigid muscles. His head drops back, lashes fluttering, and he moans
before quickly removing his jeans.

Keeping his eyes on mine, he
slides on top of me, between my legs, just the thin fabric of our
underwear between us. Bracing himself above me, his muscles flex as
he keeps his weight on his arms and kisses me deeply, taking the
desire I’m giving willingly, but not demanding anything. The kiss
intensifies, rising in sensual passion, tongues wildly duelling
against each other.

I break the kiss and pant out,
‘I want you.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes.’

‘We can stop any time. Just say
the word and we’ll stop.’ He reaches for a condom in his jeans
pocket and puts it on. Then he crawls up between my legs, running
kisses that have me writhing underneath him while he peels off my
knickers.

He settles his body between my
legs again. I close my eyes, and his hardness is pressing on top of
my thigh, his weight pushing me down.

When the springs of the mattress
dig into my back, everything changes. I’m suddenly back there, in
Theo’s bedroom.

My heart races. Every muscle
stiffens. A scream builds deep inside.

‘Stop!’ My eyelids fly open.

He freezes, his eyes unfocused
with desire.

I press my hand against his
chest, pushing him away. I’m crying out ‘No, no, no!’ and I can’t
stop as I claw at him to get off me.

Then he realizes what’s
happening and rolls off the bed to stand beside it. ‘Shit, I’m so
sorry, Grace.’

I’m panting hard, my heart
hammering, everything turning to panic and fear. My body curls in a
protective ball on the bed.

‘It’s me. Ben,’ he says
urgently, loudly, trying to drown out the half-strangled screams
that sound like a wounded animal. He kneels in front of the bed but
doesn’t touch me. ‘I’m not going to let anything happen to you, OK?
You’re safe. It’s not happening now, Grace, you’re here. With me.
Look at me, OK. Just look at me and breathe.’

I shudder, desperately focusing
on his face and his soothing voice, trying to get my brain to
connect with my eyes so there can be no mistake who he is and
exactly where I am.

‘Who am I, Grace?’

‘Ben,’ I croak, my throat
raw.

His voice permeates my head as
he repeats himself, letting me know I’m safe. I’m not really back
there. With Theo.

When my jerking breaths subside
and I can speak again, I’m limp. Drained. ‘Please don’t be sorry.’
Salty tears slide down my face and the back of my throat. ‘It’s my
fault, not yours. I’m the one who should be sorry. I can’t do
anything right.’

He sits on the bed next to me
and gathers me into his arms, stroking the back of my head, his
breath feathering across my forehead. ‘Don’t say that. Don’t ever
say that, Grace. Please, please don’t feel like it’s your fault.
You know it’s not.’

I rest my head against his
chest, the tears falling onto his skin as he holds me gently.

‘I can’t do this,’ I say.

‘It doesn’t matter. There’s no
rush.’

I pull back. ‘It does matter. I
want to feel like a normal woman again. In every way. I don’t want
him to still own that part of me. I’m too damaged to ever be
completely intimate with you.’ I find myself wishing I’d slept with
someone else before Theo, just so I’d know something different. I’m
scared that if I can’t do it with Ben, the man I love more than
anything, I’ll never be able to do it with anyone.

‘Shh. You’re just scared, and
it’s completely natural after what that bastard did. Don’t force
it, Grace. You can’t hurry your healing process any faster than it
wants to go.’