Butterfly (16 page)

He leans his forehead against
mine, stroking my cheeks with his calloused thumbs.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says, his breath
vibrating against my skin. ‘I shouldn’t have done that. It was
completely wrong of me.’

‘You didn’t do it. I did,’ I say
breathlessly, bravely. And I want more than anything to do it
again. I’m craving his lips on mine.

‘I don’t deserve you, Grace.’ He
drops his hands from my face and slides his fingers through mine,
staring deep into my eyes. He looks scared, unsure for once.

‘Well, we must be made for each
other, then, because I was thinking the same thing.’ I grin to hide
my nervousness.

Does that sound desperate and
needy? If it does, he doesn’t seem to notice.

He gives me a lopsided smile.
‘Are you sure you’re OK with this?’

I nod because, surprisingly, I
am.

‘Grace, I promise I’ll never do
anything to hurt you.’ His smooth, calming voice does strange
things to my insides, igniting something foreign. He brings my hand
to his lips then kisses the sensitive part of my wrist.

A million explosions shatter
through me down to my core. I don’t know what this is, but it feels
like the start of something special.

‘I like you,’ he says in between
kisses. ‘I
really
like you. But I never want to do something
you’re uncomfortable with, and I don’t want to pressure you. You’re
in control here, OK?’

‘I…I don’t know if I’m ready
for…something more. I don’t know if I ever will be.’

He continues to kiss my wrist.
‘I’m not going anywhere, Grace. We’ve got all the time in the
world.’

‘I’m scared.’

‘So am I,’ he says simply, and
those words make me realize he feels as vulnerable as I do. ‘After
Mia died, I made a promise to myself that I’d never let anyone get
close to my heart again.’ He rubs his thumb in a circular movement
over the palm of my hand. ‘But you have, Grace.’

The bell ringing for last orders
at the bar breaks into our private world. He stands up, holding my
hand in his. ‘Come on, I’ll take you home.’

We walk back to my flat in
silence, just the sound of our breathing echoing in the night, and
I wonder if I imagined his lips on mine. I can’t really believe it
happened. I run my tongue over my lips, tracing where he’s been on
my skin. They tingle with sensitivity and something else:
anticipation of the next kiss.

‘Stop doing that. It’s far too
sexy,’ he says, his fingers tightening against mine.

I’ve been too lost in thoughts
to notice he’s been watching me. I don’t know what to say in
response, so I lean my head against his shoulder, and his warmth
seeps into me.

At the bottom of the stairs to
my flat, he leans in towards me, tucks a stray wave of hair behind
my ear, and kisses me on the cheek.

‘You taste like vanilla.’ He
runs his finger along my jaw.

I want to plunge my hands in his
messy hair, taste his tongue on mine, slide my hands up the back of
his shirt and trace the taut muscles with my fingertips, but I
don’t. I need to take things slowly.

‘I’ve had an amazing time,’ he
says.

Tears prick my eyes because no
one since Mum died has ever been as kind and caring as he has, and
I don’t know if I deserve it.

‘Me, too,’ I say.

And that night, instead of
having nightmares, I dream about a beautiful man who makes me feel
like a princess.

32

BEN

I wait for her outside the gym
and wonder if I imagined last night. I’ve replayed the kiss over
and over in my head, and I’m worried she’s going to regret it in
the cold light of day. Whatever this is between us won’t be simple,
I know that. But she’s worth the fight, and I’m prepared to do
anything to keep her in my life.

I glance at my watch. She’s
late. Panic twists my guts.

Have I pushed her too far?

Have I fucked this up
already?

And then she’s there, hurrying
towards me, her hair fanning over her shoulders and a nervous smile
on her face. My stomach relaxes and I smile, which seems to happen
automatically whenever I see her.

‘Sorry I’m late.’

‘That’s OK. I was worried you
weren’t going to show.’ I kiss her on the cheek, and she sucks in a
breath. She turns her face to mine, and I try to read her eyes. Is
it OK to kiss her? Instead of trying to guess, I just come out and
say it. ‘I want to kiss you again.’

Her smile brightens. My head
dips down as I cradle her face in my hands. I sweep my tongue
across her lower lip before turning my attention to the upper one
and delving into her mouth.

She lets me take the lead, and I
taste every part of her mouth, memorizing the feel of it.

I flick my tongue in and out
lightly, a rhythm that she seems to enjoy as her hands wrap around
my neck and pull me closer.

When I break the kiss, she’s
breathless. We both laugh like a couple of nervous school kids.

‘Come on, we’ll be late.’ I take
her hand, and we go inside.

We head upstairs to one of the
studios, and I set out the mats as a group of women of all ages and
sizes file in.

‘Just take a seat on the mats,
please.’ I stand at the front of the class. ‘So, ladies, you’re all
here for the self-defence class. Before I get round to teaching you
some of the actual moves, I want to explain some important things.
The better prepared you are, the more likely it is that you can
successfully defend yourself or prevent an attack from
happening.

‘The best form of self-defence
is prevention. If a man’s out there looking for someone to attack,
they’re going to want to choose unsuspecting and vulnerable
targets, so you need to be aware of some general safety tips.’ I
tick them off on my fingers one by one as I talk. ‘Be aware of your
surroundings, which means walking in well-lit areas, varying your
route or times of travel, not talking or texting on your phone or
rummaging around in your handbag when you’re walking along, and
having some kind of weapon readily available, like holding your
keys poking out in between your fingers.

‘Now, I don’t want to scare you,
but as well as preparing yourself physically, you need to mentally
prepare yourself for what might happen during a possible attack.
After we go through some of the moves, you’ll be able to think
about it more easily, but visualizing what you’d do means you’re
less likely to be frozen by fear and unable to defend yourself if
the unthinkable happens.’ My gaze instinctively flicks to Grace,
who’s nodding slowly to herself.

‘Men who attack women are most
likely looking for a woman who seems like an easy target. So, to
make yourself appear more confident and a harder target, try to
stay in areas where there are more people. Stand up straight, look
around you so you know your surroundings, try to look like you’re
confident. Sometimes appearing like someone who shouldn’t be messed
with will be enough to deter a possible attack. If someone’s
following you, cross to the other side of the street or head for a
shop.’ I stop and look around the room. ‘Are there any questions so
far?’

They shake their heads.

‘OK, I know you’re raring to get
to the action part, so just a few more things before I demonstrate
some moves and we can practice.’ I smile at them. ‘The things I’ve
mentioned are all ways you can try and avoid a confrontation, but
if that’s not possible, you’ll need to be prepared to defend
yourself. One of the first things I’d tell you to do is get loud
and push back. As soon as someone tries to touch you, and there’s
no possible escape route, shout loudly and push them back. This
will do two things.’ I tick them off on my fingers again. ‘It
signals to anyone nearby that you need help. And it lets the
attacker know you’re not an easy target. It may not dissuade
everyone, but it’s the first step to warn them off.

‘If that doesn’t work, you may
have only a few seconds and a few moves before he’s managed to gain
control of you and the situation, so now you’ll need to do
everything you can to inflict injury and get away quickly. You’ll
need to aim for vulnerable parts of the body where you can do the
most damage in the least amount of time, which are the eyes, neck,
groin, ears, knee, and legs. We’ll be concentrating on those parts
when we do the practical work.

‘Do we get to kick them in the
nuts?’ an elderly woman asks, looking quite excited at the
prospect. ‘Because that’s the only reason I came!’ She wrings her
hands together with a devious grin.

Laughter ripples through the
studio, breaking the seriousness of the subject matter.

I grin back. ‘Obviously that’s a
very
vulnerable area for a man, so a well-aimed kick, or
even pulling and twisting, is a great defensive move. But you’ll
have to wait a while for me to get to that part so please be
patient.’

A few of the women look
disappointed, which makes me chuckle. At least they’re keen.

‘It doesn’t matter what size or
strength you are in relation to your opponent. You can still
successfully defend yourself using your body and the laws of
physics, which is really the same principle behind martial arts,
where a smaller person is able to defeat a larger one. So don’t
think that you can’t do it. You can, and after this course, you
will be able to. This week, we’re going to use the parts of the
body most effective in inflicting damage, which are your knees,
elbows, hands, and head.’ I clap my hands together. ‘So, are you
ready to try some moves?’

I get a chorus of yeses. There
are nine women, and I tell them to partner up. I partner with Grace
at the front of the class to demonstrate the moves.

‘Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you,’
I whisper to her as she stands with her hands at her sides, looking
nervous. ‘OK, let’s try the eyes first. You want to gouge, scratch,
or poke your attacker’s eyes with your knuckles or fingers. As well
as causing them a lot of pain, it could make your escape easier by
interfering with their vision.’ I position Grace about half a meter
in front of me and tell her to grab my arm as if she’s a would-be
attacker. Then I reach out with my index and middle finger, as if
I’m going to poke her in the eyes, before demonstrating it with
knuckles. ‘OK, ladies, you try it on each other.’

I nod to Grace and grab her arm
this time. She tries different moves, seeing what’s more
comfortable for her. After a little while of practicing, I show
them another move.

‘OK, if the person is close in
front of you, you can use the heel of your palm to strike upwards,
under his nose. Put the whole of your body weight into the move to
maximize the most pain and force him to loosen his grip. If he’s
behind you, you can strike his nose with your elbow or the back of
your head.’ I show them what to do and they’re off, practicing with
a lot of energy and grunts and shouts.

‘That’s it, ladies, get loud!
Don’t forget to shout and scream and call attention to you,’ I say
before Grace tries out what I’ve demonstrated.

I choreograph some more moves in
slow motion for them to try out then get Grace to join another duo
of ladies so I can check they’re all doing things right and make
any corrections.

The two-hour class passes in no
time, and when it ends, the women are psyched up, ready to do some
real damage.

‘Right, ladies, that’s it for
this week. If you can, practice these moves throughout the week,
that would help, and next Sunday, we’ll be getting into some real
kick-ass action.’

‘Don’t forget the nut-kicking
action,’ the same elderly lady says, all red and sweaty in the
face. The women nod or clap their hands with approval.

‘Wow, you ladies are vicious!’ I
chuckle. ‘Don’t worry, there will definitely be some nut-kicking
action next week.’

I get a few excited cheers about
that.

‘Ladies, these are for you.’ I
pick up some information packs from the floor and hand them out.
‘Inside is all the information I cover during the course, including
pictures of the defensive moves I show you.’

As they laugh and chat with each
other on the way out, already the confidence in the air is higher
than it was when they walked in. I can’t help but be proud inside
that I’m teaching them stuff that might one day save their
lives.

33

GRACE

I’m exhausted by the end of the
class, but it’s a good kind of tired. As if I’ve just climbed a
high mountain and I’m looking out over a view I never knew
existed.

‘What do you want to do now?’
Ben asks when he’s finished stacking up the mats in the corner of
the room.

My stomach growls with hunger,
and I chuckle. ‘Get some food?’

‘Sound like a plan. I’ll meet
you outside when we’ve showered.’

We find a bistro that’s bursting
at the seams, the tables spilling out onto the pavement with one
spare table left. I take a seat as Ben grabs a couple of Sunday
papers. ‘Serious paper or tabloid?’ he asks, holding one in each
hand.

‘Tabloid.’

He hands it over, and as we wait
for our food and drink order, we casually read out bits to each
other.

‘OK, let’s play a game,’ he
says. ‘You have to take one word from different paragraphs on the
page and make up a funny headline. The funniest one wins.’

I raise an eyebrow. ‘What do we
win, exactly?’

‘Loser pays for lunch?’

‘OK, you’re on.’

I busily scan the paper in front
of me as Ben picks up his and concentrates on it.

‘OK, here’s one,’ he says. ‘More
People Are Killed By Donkeys Than Water Melons.’

‘Porn Star Sues Over Front-End
Collision.’ I laugh and take a sip of my iced latte the waitress
has just brought.

‘Not bad.’ He reads through his
paper. ‘Hari Krishnas Riot In Chocolate Biscuit Factory.’