Butterfly (27 page)

I grin and reach into my pocket,
pulling out the small box that’s burning a hole there. Whatever
happens next with us, I want her to have this now. I want her to
know just how far she’s come. ‘I bought you something.’

She looks down at it in the palm
of my hand, and for once, I can’t read her face. Her wide eyes go
from the box to me and back to the box again.

I don’t want to ruin the moment
or scare her, pressure her into thinking this is something else, so
I say, ‘Don’t worry, it’s not a ring.’

Her face relaxes slightly, and a
tug of disappointment twists my insides. One day. One day I want it
to be a ring.

‘Open it.’ I hold it out to
her.

She takes the box and
tentatively flips open the lid, staring at what’s inside. It’s a
silver necklace with a silver butterfly. The butterfly’s mesh wings
look delicate and see-through. In the light, small amethyst and
topaz crystals glint along the spine.

Her mouth softens, her eyes
water, and her cheeks lift

‘Do you like it?’ I ask.

‘Oh, my God, I love it.’ She
picks it out of the box and places it in her hand, tracing a finger
along it.

‘The butterfly is a powerful
symbol of metamorphosis. The way we can move through different
cycles in our lives and find happiness again. They have the ability
to undergo a massive transition from egg, to caterpillar, to
cocoon, eventually emerging into a beautiful, bright free spirit.
Do you want me to put it on for you?’

‘Yes.’ She lifts up her hair and
turns her back to me so I can fasten it around her neck.

‘Their stages of life mimic our
own phases—growth, hard times, vulnerability, and then moments of
miraculous transformation where we’re unrecognizable at the end of
our journey. They signify renewal, regeneration, and rebirth.’

She touches it again as she
turns around to face me.

‘One of their other symbolic
meanings is grace,’ I say. ‘I thought it was perfect for you. I
thought it might make you see how far you’ve come.’

She blinks, unshed tears
glistening. ‘I don’t know what to say. It’s the best present I’ve
ever had.’ She reaches up and gives me an excruciatingly slow kiss
that makes my insides turn molten.

53

GRACE

I pull back from his lips,
unable to wait any longer. ‘I want you, and I’m sick of being
scared of what I want. I need you to take away what Theo did to
me.’

He picks me up, my legs wrapping
around his hips as he carries me to the bedroom with his mouth
possessing mine. He places me on the bed, on my back, my legs still
wrapped round him, his knees either side of my hips. His eyes are
wide open and staring at me with such loving intensity I want to
cry.

His face scans mine. ‘Are you
sure?’

‘Yes,’ I whisper, panting. ‘I’m
sure.’

He peels my T-shirt over my
head. I sit up and lift my arms to make it easier. When the fabric
is gone, I unbutton his shirt, pulling it off his shoulders as he
shrugs out of it. He kisses the hollow of my throat as his thumb
brushes along the swell of my breast through my satin bra, stroking
the undersides, before teasing me with his lips, sucking and
nibbling my nipple in his mouth through the material.

My head drops back as a raging
heat spirals through me, settling in the deepest part of the centre
between my legs. I reach behind me and unclasp my bra, the cool air
hitting my burning breasts. He sucks my hard nipple into his mouth
and teases it with his tongue, then blows cool air on the
wetness.

I tug urgently at the button of
his jeans, and he removes them completely. He’s not wearing
underwear. He leans over me, kissing a line from my breasts across
my stomach. His tongue circles lower, tracing patterns on my skin
along the curve of my hip as his fingers slowly release the zip on
my jeans.

He draws back, his hot gaze
scanning my face, checking I’m still OK.

‘Don’t stop.’ I lift my hips up
towards him desperately, writhing, wanting to remove the barriers
between us.

He slides off my jeans, and his
mouth claims mine as his fingers slide under the lace of my
knickers. I press myself closer to him, wrapping my legs around his
hips again and angling up to meet his touch. I need to get rid of
the explosive friction building up right now.

His fingers find that
deliciously sensitive part of me that’s been crying out for him.
Fiery heat courses through me so hard I’m going deliciously
insane.

He growls as I clutch his
shoulders, my fingernails digging into his skin. I kiss his chest,
his shoulders, his neck, his jaw. Then he stops abruptly and rests
on top of me, his forearms pressing into the bed on either side of
my face.

‘Don’t stop,’ I pant.

He pushes the hair back from my
face, his thumbs easing away strands from my hairline. His arousal
is obvious against my thigh as he stares deep into my eyes. ‘I just
wanted you to know… I’ve never loved any woman like this. Never
wanted anyone as much as you.’

I smile, my nails running along
the hard muscles of his back, his shoulder blades, his waist.

‘Do you want this?’ he asks.

‘Yes.’ I’m dizzy with lust for
this man. I’m so ready for this. Unbelievably ready.

He grabs a condom packet from
his jeans and rips it open with his teeth as I remove my knickers.
I reach out and slide my fingers up his thighs as he rolls on the
condom.

‘Keep your eyes open,’ he says.
‘Look at me, OK? Just know it’s me here with you, making love to
you because I love you with all my heart.’ He rests his weight on
his hands either side of my head and positions himself at my
entrance. His erection pulses as he waits and stares into my eyes
with so much love.

I wrap my legs around him again,
clutching hold of his biceps. ‘Please, I want to feel you,’ I beg.
All the fear has evaporated with every caress, every kiss, and
every meaningful word. Every muscle in my body relaxes. There are
no thoughts anymore, only blissful reactions. I can’t wait any
longer to have him inside me. I want him all over me so there’s no
space left between us. He’s everything to me.

My life. My love.

My best friend.

My protector.

My saviour.

I rock myself against him, and
he slides in. I’m unable to tear my gaze from his as I thrust my
fingers through his hair. A sigh escapes my lips.

‘Who am I?’ He gives me a
smouldering smile, his eyes telling me everything I need to
know.

‘Ben.’ His name falls from my
lips. A current of pure pleasure ricochets through me. Something
wonderful and calming flutters in my chest, like the wings of that
butterfly, beating to let me know it’s alive.

I want to lose myself in him
forever.

We move to our own rhythm, with
Ben telling me over and over again how much he loves me, needs me,
cherishes me. It’s not just our bodies joining together, it’s our
hearts and souls. We’re not looking at each other; we’re looking
inside
each other. Absorbing each other completely.

Something epic is happening
between us. Something so powerful and life-changing, it’s bigger
than the both of us.

‘I love you, Ben,’ I
whisper.

And all I can think is that I’ve
been waiting for this moment all my life.

54

BEN

That night was incredible. Like
the final invisible barriers between us have been torn down, and
she’s finally free. It was perfect. She was perfect.

I’m still thinking about it as I
wait outside Kate’s office for my interview, which is keeping my
mind off being nervous.

‘Ben, would you like to come in
now?’ Kate smiles, and I follow her into her office.

Two other people are sitting
behind her desk, a man at one end and a woman at the other. Kate
takes a seat in the middle and rests her hands on the top. They
welcome me to the interview, and I shake their hands as they
introduce themselves.

‘Please, have a seat,’ Kate
says. ‘Thanks for coming.’

I swallow to try and get rid of
the lump in my throat and bring some moisture back to my parched
lips. ‘Thank you for the opportunity,’ I say.

The interview starts well. They
seem impressed with my motivation, my qualifications, the
references I’ve had from the other counselling jobs and from the
volunteer work I’ve done. It’s all going great, right up until the
point Kate asks me to share my background with the rest of the
panel.

I know she’s on my side, but I
can’t gauge the thoughts of the other two. Even though they seem
friendly, their faces are unreadable. It’s not as if I can hide
from this, and I’m sure Kate’s already discussed it at length with
them before I even turned up. The fact that I’m here, knowing what
she knows, is a good thing, so I tell them the truth. I share the
same thing I told Kate and pray they see the same things in me that
she does.

After listening to me, Kate’s
colleagues give me tight smiles, and I know I’ve blown it. This job
is my one real chance. My only chance at trying to redeem myself
for Mia’s death. But I must be crazy to think anyone would give
this job to a guy like me.

Kate stands and shakes my hand
with a calm smile. ‘Well, thanks very much for your time, Ben.
We’ve got more candidates to interview, and we’ll let you know in
the next few weeks.’

As I walk out, I feel my chance
slipping through my hands just as everything else does.

55

GRACE

As the weeks pass, I want to
dance and laugh, and tell Ben how much I love him until I’m
hoarse.

I sit on my sofa, listening to
Jason Mraz playing softly in the background from my iPod as I write
in my journal. I want to record the happiness bursting out of me
right now, because my journey isn’t just about the bad times, it’s
about the good, too.

After the rape, I cried for the
old Grace, the one who would never be the same again. The one who
was killed that night. She died a different kind of death. The
world where she was safe was destroyed, and I grieved for her, the
woman who was lost forever. Now, I’m not looking for her anymore. A
new woman was born in her place, and I like the new Grace better.
She’s a fighter. She’s overcome her fears, anger, and
self-loathing. She’s in love with an amazingly wonderful man. I’m
more than a woman who was raped, and I’m blissfully happy for the
first time in a long, long time. I’m starting to think that maybe
you can’t know what true happiness is until you’ve lived through
sorrow and grief because you have nothing to compare it to—no
weight to tip the scales in one direction or the other.

Ben and I spend every spare
moment together. We work at the coffee shop. We laugh. We talk. We
have fun. We take walks along the river and go to the gym together.
We cook for each other.

And we have sex.

Lots and lots of sensual, loving
sex.

Having been starved of touch and
love for so long, maybe I’m overcompensating. I can’t get enough of
him or what we share together. Ben has brought me back to life
again. He’s like the other half of me I didn’t even know I was
missing, and it feels like I’ve known him forever. He’s familiar,
but yet new and exciting.

Very exciting

I pause, tapping my pen against
my lips as the song changes. “Maybe Tomorrow” by Stereophonics
comes on, and they’re singing about being down, walking around with
black clouds, but they still breathe. How maybe tomorrow they’ll
find their way home.

Peacefulness and contentment
wash over me, sinking deep inside. Into my head, my heart, my
bones. Something I haven’t felt in a long time. Maybe ever. As if
this is exactly where I’m meant to be. I’ve been down, walking
around with those black clouds that suffocated me. I didn’t think I
could go on, but I did, and I’m still living, still breathing, just
like the lyrics of the song say. Being in Ben’s arms is special,
extraordinary, and I think maybe I’ve found my way home, too.

56

BEN

Grace and I head back to my flat
to pick up some clothes before we spend a relaxing evening chilling
out. I pick up the post from the mat, flicking through to see if
I’ve got anything from Kate.

‘Is it there yet?’ Grace slides
her hands around my waist from behind and rests her head on my
back.

‘Yes.’ I hold the letter in my
hand and drop the rest of the post back on the floor. I’ve tried to
hide my anxiety about getting this job from Grace, but she knows me
too well. At least, she thinks she does. ‘I can’t open it.’ I swing
around and hold it out to her. ‘You do it. I’m too nervous.’

She looks at the envelope and
bites her lip.

I stare at her soft mouth. ‘When
you bite your lip like that, it drives me crazy. I think those lips
were made just for me.’ I can’t resist planting a kiss on her,
taking first her upper lip and sucking it between both of mine,
then her lower one, tasting every part of her mouth as I twine my
tongue around hers.

‘Do you want to kiss me or find
out what’s in here?’ The sound of her laughter washes over me as
she snatches the letter out of my hand and stretches her arm high
as if she thinks it’s out of my reach.

I raise my eyebrows. She’s a
foot shorter than me. I could swipe it back with no problem at all,
but I’m game. Maybe I really don’t want to know what’s in the
envelope. Maybe I just want to be in denial for a little while
longer so I can pretend my life is normal. Pretend I’m just a guy
in love with a very special woman. A guy who’s happy and feels
alive for the first time in a long time. Just a guy messing around
in his flat with his girlfriend, having fun.

Not a guy whose past keeps
catching up with him.