Butterfly (31 page)

62

BEN

I run a route past the coffee
shop, hoping for just a glimpse of her. She’s in court and won’t be
there, but somehow it makes me closer to her. As if her soul is
tied up in that place, and I can feel her essence seeping into me
from the building by osmosis.

What the hell am I thinking?
Osmosis? I’m completely losing it.

My heart pounds as I push myself
harder, heading back to my flat. I don’t know why I’m even going
back there. Nothing’s waiting for me except empty, mocking walls.
If I do another few miles, it will delay the inevitable.

And I realize that’s exactly
what I’ve been doing all along. Ever since I met Grace, I’ve been
trying to delay the inevitable by not telling her the truth.

I run harder, ignoring the
screaming pain my legs, the burning in my lungs. I’m hollow inside.
As if someone’s scraped out my guts and left them to decay on the
pavement.

By the time I get back to my
flat, I’m so exhausted I sit on the edge of the kerb in the
communal car park and rest my head in my hands. I need to stretch,
but I can’t summon up the energy. I hear footsteps but stay where I
am, hoping they’ll just ignore me and go into their flat without
speaking. The last thing I want to do right now is talk.

‘Ben,’ Grace’s voice says.

At first, I think I’m hearing
things. I’ve conjured up her voice in my head because I want to see
her so badly. Even if it’s for one last time. Just a fleeting
glance of her I can burn into my brain forever.

My hands drop to my knees as I
lift my head up. ‘Grace?’

She looks tired and vulnerable,
and just so amazingly beautiful it makes my heart clench. In fact,
I think it actually stops for a second.

‘Are you OK?’ I stand up. ‘Is
the trial going OK? I’ve been so worried about it. About you. About
everything.’ I realize I’m babbling and stop. Try to say something
else. Something intelligent and interesting so she has to stay here
and listen to me. ‘So… um.’ I run a hand over my hair.

Yeah, ‘um’ is so interesting and
intelligent!

‘I don’t want to talk about the
trial, Ben. I want to talk about us.’ She bites her lip. It seems
my mouth has completely forgotten how to work, because I just stare
at her.

She tilts her head towards the
building. ‘Can we talk at your place?’

‘Er… yes. Of course.’ We walk
side by side but with enough distance between us to avoid
touching.

She’s here. She wants to talk.
Surely that must be a good sign?

I squash the glimmer of hope
back down. I can’t allow myself to get excited that she might want
me back. Of course she doesn’t. Who would? She’s come to end it for
good. Tell me never to contact her again. I’m scared this is the
last time I’ll ever see her. Her eyes are red-rimmed and full of
regret. Regret that she ever met me.

I want to ask her if it’s good
news, but at the same time I don’t want to know. Maybe it’s better
not to know. Just hide in my world of denial. But hiding isn’t the
answer to fix this.
If
I can fix this.

I know that now. I’ve been
trying to hide it all for too long, and it doesn’t work.

‘Do you want something to
drink?’ I ask when I open the door to my flat. I stand back to let
her go inside.

‘No.’ She walks down the narrow
corridor into the kitchen, leans against the work top, and crosses
her arms.

I take a deep breath, shaking
inside. Crossing her arms doesn’t seem like a good sign. It closed
off, defensive. Which means she can’t have come here to say
anything good.

‘You saw me at the Women’s
Centre the night I tried to go to the group counselling session,
didn’t you? You were there to teach a self-defence class, and you
saw me come out of the building before the session had even
started. You knew I couldn’t go through with it because you have a
knack for reading people, an intuition.’

My jaw drops open. I’m totally
and utterly screwed. Whatever I was expecting her to say, it wasn’t
that. And any remote hope of thinking she was here to forgive me
has disintegrated forever. Our first meeting in the hospital was
built on a lie I told, and I’ve kept the truth from her ever since.
Not to mention the fact it sounds like I stalked her. I’d followed
her from the Women’s Centre and taken a job just to be close to
her. How creepy and wrong is that?

But I do tell the truth this
time. I tell her because I can’t
not
tell her anymore. I’ve
already lost the most important thing in the world to me. Have I
really got anymore to lose? There’s a reason
why
I did those
things, though. I just hope she understands that reason.

‘You’re right.’ I look up at the
ceiling and rub my hands over the stubble on my face. I run them
through my hair before they fall uselessly to my sides. ‘When I saw
you come out of the centre that night, I recognized the haunted
look in your eyes because that’s what Mia looked like. I could see
you were desperate and there for the group counselling. You wanted
help, but for whatever reason, you didn’t feel comfortable
staying.’ I take a deep breath. ‘I didn’t want you to reach the
point where you did the same thing as Mia. All I knew when I saw
you was that I had to try to help you.’

‘You saw my phone number on the
car and wrote it on your hand?’

‘Yes. And then I was involved in
the car accident, and they called you because they thought I knew
you.’

She nods, biting her lip
again.

I stand with my hands clenched,
my shoulders tense. Every muscle in my body is taut with longing,
desperately wanting to hold her.

‘Our whole relationship was a
lie from the start,’ she whispers, her eyes shining with tears.

My own tears burn my eyes.
‘Yes.’

‘But you lied in the beginning
so you could help me, Ben. And you lied about your past because you
wanted to be there for me—to keep me safe and protect me like you
couldn’t do with Mia. And then you lied because you didn’t want to
lose me. Because that’s who you are. An amazingly caring, loving,
compassionate man, and I don’t ever want to be without you.’

It takes a few seconds before
her words sink in. Then I’m crossing the room in two strides and
kneeling in front of her. I slide my arms round her, fingers
splaying on her waist. I press my forehead against her flat
stomach. ‘So…do you…I mean…does this mean you forgive me?’

She runs her hands through my
hair, looking down at me on my knees. ‘I do forgive you. What
happened was a tragedy, but you didn’t mean to kill him. It was one
split second, and it could’ve happened to anyone. When you told me
what really happened that night, I lost sight of the real you for a
while. I was so confused and upset about everything, and I’m sorry.
So, so, sorry. I should’ve supported you and been understanding,
just like you’ve been with me ever since you first saw me.’ She
stares intensely into my eyes. ‘I know you, Ben. Not just your
history; I know the
real
you, and I love the hell out of
you.’

A guttural sob escapes from my
chest, and I pull her down to the floor with me, holding her tight.
Her legs wrap round my hips as I crash my lips to hers, our teeth
colliding in the urgency. My tongue plunges fiercely into her
mouth, lashing, teasing, taking back every bit of pain I’ve caused
her. It’s not a gentle kiss like all the other times. It’s raw.

Intense.

Hungry.

Consuming.

A fiery show of longing filled
with pent up passion and love that anchors us together. The
desperate kiss of a man who lost the most important thing in the
world and was lucky enough to find forgiveness.

My mouth can’t let go of hers. I
need her to survive.

I want it to last forever, but
neither of us can control ourselves any longer. One minute we’re
dressed, the next our clothes are strewn in a tangled heap on the
floor, breaking contact only to undress hastily. She straddles me,
wrapping her arms around my back, her hair spilling over her
shoulders like silk. I rock myself inside her, our hands all over
each other.

We’re joined in every single,
beautiful way. Drowning in each other.

I feel her orgasm spasming
before mine hits. She claws my back, pushing me deeper, closer,
drawing blood. Her lips vibrate against mine, muffling the words,
but it’s my name she’s crying out.

I can’t hold out much longer. I
twine my hands in hers and lift my head back, staring into those
huge green eyes as I come undone and splinter into a thousand
blissful pieces. I pull her into my arms, and we lie on the floor
facing each other, panting, a sheen of sweat covering us.

‘I love you, Grace. So much.’ I
run my finger along her jaw.

‘I love you, too. I never
thought it was possible, you know. After what happened, I thought I
was unlovable.’

I open my mouth to speak. She
presses her hand over my lips to silence me. ‘Wait. Let me finish,
because I have to say this.’ Resting her hand on my cheek, she
says, ‘I know that’s not true now, and you taught me that. You
taught me to believe in myself again. If you hadn’t come into my
life, I’d still be that scarred wreck of a girl who was afraid of
her own shadow. I’d still be afraid to face the demons and kick
their arse. You’re the reason I am who I am now. You taught me to
be a fighter. You taught me how to survive. You breathed life into
me. And the thing is, you’re so busy hating yourself for that
night, you can’t see what other people see in you. You think you’re
unlovable, too, and you’re not. I forgive you for lying, but do you
forgive yourself?’

‘I…’

‘You still blame yourself for
that night, don’t you?’

‘Of course I do. How could I
not?’

‘But it’s not your fault. You
taught me that, Ben. You made me realize what happened to me isn’t
my fault. It’s not yours, either.’ Her voice is calm, soothing. ‘It
was an accident. A tragic accident. And like you said to me, that
night doesn’t define who you are. You’ve worked hard to turn your
life around so you could help others. Your selflessness is
inspirational to me. You were broken, too, but you didn’t give up
the will to be strong and try. It’s time to let the guilt go and
forgive yourself. You deserve that.’ She rests her palm over my
heart. ‘The
real
you is in here, and it’s in everything you
do. That’s all that matters.’

The absolute conviction in her
words takes my breath away. I stare at her, blinking, trying to
comprehend everything. Placing my hand over hers, I’m swallowed
into her warm green eyes. All I can see there are love, pride, and
admiration staring back at me, and something stirs and shifts deep
inside.

‘You saved me, Ben, but I was
blind to the fact you needed saving too. I wish you could see
yourself through my eyes, because you’re worth the fight. You just
have to realize that yourself.’

‘Thank you,’ I whisper, pulling
her tighter so everything fades around the edges, until there’s
just us.

‘You don’t need to thank me. I’m
the luckiest girl alive to have you in my life. I’m never going
anywhere, and I’m going to spend every day proving to you just how
amazing you really are.’

The burden of my truth and the
lies I’ve been carrying around all this time has been crushing me.
My heart was heavy with secrets. Sharing it with her has made it a
million times lighter. I don’t feel alone anymore. Grace is
stitching me back together again, healing me, saving me, and giving
me a second chance. I can’t believe she still loves me after
everything she knows, and that’s the moment when it really hits me
with stark clarity.

If the most important woman in
my life can accept me as I am and forgive me, then for the first
time, I can finally begin to forgive myself.

63

GRACE

I sit outside the courtroom
dressed in black trousers and a simple white shirt. One hand rests
in my lap; Ben firmly holds the other. I jig my leg up and down,
making the bench vibrate.

Ben whispers in my ear, ‘How are
you feeling?’

‘I’m nervous. My stomach’s
churning, but I’m OK.’ I grip his hand tighter.

‘You’re so brave. I’m so proud
of you.’ He squeezes my hand.

When the bailiff calls my name,
I look at Ben, eyes widening. ‘This is it.’

‘Yes.’ He stands and releases my
hand. ‘You don’t have to look at him in there. I’ll be sitting in
the gallery at the back. But I’ll sit to the side, out of his
sightline, so you don’t have to see him if you don’t want to. Just
look at me, OK?’

I nod.

‘Try and pretend this is
happening to someone else, a close friend, and you’re just liaising
with the court on their behalf. You’re their representative, their
advocate. It will make it easier.’

I try to imagine that in my head
as I follow the bailiff into the courtroom, squaring my shoulders.
Ben’s taught me to be a fighter, and that’s exactly what I’m going
to be.

The bailiff leads me to the
witness box and asks me to either swear on the Bible or affirm what
I say will be the truth. My voice wobbles as I affirm to the whole
courtroom. The hair on my neck stands on end, and my skin turns
cold and clammy.

I dare to look up then. Ben’s
sitting in the gallery at the end of a row so I can fix my eyes on
him and not Theo. He gives me an encouraging smile.

The prosecution barrister stands
and walks to the front of his table. ‘Can you state your full name
for the court, please?’

I clear my throat. ‘Grace
Elliot.’

‘Do you recognise the defendant,
Miss Elliot?’

I keep my eyes on the prosecutor
and don’t allow them to stray to Theo. Being here is harder than I
could have even imagined. ‘Yes.’

‘Can you please explain to the
court the nature of your relationship?’