Butterfly (30 page)

I sniff and wipe away the tracks
of my tears.

‘What’s that famous saying?’
Lisa says. ‘“When the pupil is ready, the teacher will
appear”?’

‘Something like that,’ I mumble.
‘But it’s all rubbish. There is no magical reason why things
happen. No coincidences. No preconceived destiny.’

‘No, I think you’re wrong. He
came into your life for a reason, Grace.’ She nods knowingly at me.
‘You said he was the one who helped you to heal, and
that’s
the reason, don’t you see that?’ She sighs when I don’t answer her.
‘After what I told you, do you think I deserve to be happy? To have
a husband who loves me and a new baby?’

‘Yes, of course, I do.’

‘So, why doesn’t Ben, then? He’s
crazy in love with you, and you’re crazy in love with him. I think
you both deserve some happiness after everything you’ve gone
through. I’ve forgiven myself for what I did, and I think you need
to forgive Ben.’

I close my eyes and rest my head
back on the sofa as my head swirls with everything that’s happened
tonight. It’s all too much to take in and process.

‘What are you going to do?’ Lisa
asks.

‘I don’t know. I can’t think
about all this now. The trial starts tomorrow; that’s all I can
focus on.’

‘What trial?’ Lisa shrieks.

I realize I haven’t told her
everything about Theo, and how he’s done it again with Rebecca.

‘I hope he gets annihilated in
court,’ Lisa spits. ‘Do you want me to go with you?’

I shake my head wearily. ‘No,
it’s OK. Rebecca and her parents will be there, but thanks. Thanks
for letting me talk tonight, I really appreciate it.’

‘You’re always welcome. I just
wish you felt you could’ve told me before.’ She pulls me in for a
hug. ‘Will you be OK?’

I rest my head on her shoulder.
‘If I can get over being raped, I can get over a broken heart.’

Except I know it’s not just
broken. My heart’s been sliced open and ripped out. I don’t know if
there’s any cure for that.

60

BEN

I do what I did after Mia died.
I train hard at the gym. I run until I can’t stand. I kick the shit
out of the punch bag in my flat to stop the chaos in my head. I
push my body to exhaustion so I can fall into a dreamless sleep. A
few stolen moments where I can sink into oblivion and not think
about Grace. I try to pretend I’m a normal guy, with a normal past,
not a monster. Try to drown out the thoughts filtering through my
head, telling me how disgusting and worthless I am.

I have a week off before I start
my new job, which is good because I’m going to need it. Already, I
look a wreck. I haven’t shaved. My eyes are sunken and hollow, just
like my heart. I’d scare the shit out of the poor women I’m
supposed to counsel.

I can barely swallow food.
Everything reminds me of her and what I’ve lost. Grace is my life,
and I’m broken without her.

The pain doesn’t go away. It’s
just there, permanently under my skin. Her face haunts me every
second. I never thought this would happen to me. Never thought any
woman would get close to stealing my heart after Mia. I swore I’d
never care so much again. Not after everything that happened. It’s
my own fault. All this fucked-up shit, it’s down to me.

Do you believe in love at first
sight? I don’t know if I do, either. What I do know is that first
time I saw her outside the Women’s Centre, something sparked inside
me I couldn’t explain or rationalize to myself. Something
intangible yet very real that couldn’t keep me away. Invisible
threads pulling me closer to her with every heartbeat. It scared
the shit out of me, but with Grace, I just didn’t have a
choice.

Time heals and fades the pain of
grief and loss. I get that. I’ve lived it with Mia. It’s what I
tell people in my job.

But getting over Grace…that’s
going to take a lifetime.

61

GRACE

I sit with Rebecca and her
parents outside the courtroom as we wait to be called and give
evidence.

‘You don’t look scared. Are you
scared?’ Rebecca asks me, trying to hide her shaking hands by
wringing them.

I take her hands in mine. ‘My
heart’s racing, my stomach’s doing a rollercoaster flip, and my
head’s pounding. But I actually want to stare into his eyes when I
tell everyone in there what he did. I want to see that bastard’s
face when he gets convicted.’

A silent tear runs down her
cheek. ‘I’m giving my evidence from behind a screen. I can’t face
seeing him.’ She takes one hand from mine and clutches it round her
stomach, leaning forward. ‘I’ve thrown up four times this morning
already. It feels like I’m going to again.’

‘You will get through this,
Rebecca. I think you’re so brave. You’re fighting back. You’re not
letting him win.’

She looks at me with haunted
eyes. ‘I don’t feel brave.’

‘You will, Rebecca. It’s a long
road, and it’s not easy. But you will. Trust me.’

‘How did you do it? How did you
get to be you again after going through this?’

I take my journal out of my bag
and hold it tight to my chest. I’ve written in it every day since
Ben gave it to me. ‘This is my journey. It’s every thought, every
fear, every tear. Every challenge, every milestone, every wish,
every success. It’s every inch of sadness, and every slice of
happiness I went through to heal.’ I hand it to her. ‘I want you to
read it. It might help.’

She puts it in her bag. ‘Thank
you.’

I hug her skeletal frame towards
me.

‘Rebecca Ellis,’ a bailiff calls
out.

She pulls back and looks at me.
All the colour fades from her face.

‘You can do this. You’ll be
great.’ I squeeze her hand.

She follows the bailiff into the
courtroom. Her parents trail close behind to sit in the gallery and
give their silent support. I squeeze my eyes shut and hope she’ll
be OK. Will make it through this. Will nail Theo in court.

I pace the floor and wait. Pace
and wait. Instead of worrying about what I’m going to say in court,
the only thing that fills my mind is Ben and the aching hole left
deep inside me. I’ve been going over and over everything he told me
and everything Lisa said. My thoughts spiral out of control,
tripping themselves up as they go from one word or sentence to
another. One minute I’m furious, betrayed, manipulated, and the
next I’m trying to make sense out of something senseless. A tidal
wave of every memory that Ben and I share washes over me,
threatening to either drown me or wash me back to shore, but I
don’t know which. A war of emotions rages within me.

And in the back of my mind,
something niggles at me, but I can’t work out what.

At four-thirty Rebecca exits the
courtroom, her eyes swollen and red. Tear marks streak her cheeks.
She looks ghostly pale, as if she’s going to throw up again. Her
mum and dad walk either side of her, supporting her before she
completely breaks down.

I rush over to them. ‘How did it
go?’

Rebecca’s eyes mist up. ‘It was
awful. It brought it all back.’

‘But you did it.’ Her mum
squeezes her shoulder. ‘You did it, Rebecca. It’s over now.’

Rebecca’s gaze meets mine, and I
can almost see the question in her eyes.
Is it over? Is it ever
really over?

I nod my silent answer back and
give her a reassuring smile. ‘I’m so proud of you, Rebecca.’

Her dad’s face flushes red. His
eyes darken with anger, and he stumbles off down the corridor with
his fist in his mouth, trying to control the rage and helplessness
that spill from every pore in his body.

Tears fall down his cheeks. He’s
trying to be brave for his daughter, but he can’t control it any
longer. Theo didn’t just hurt Rebecca, he hurt her parents, too. It
reminds me of Ben and how he felt so helpless with Mia. How he took
the responsibility on himself. Would Rebecca’s Dad like to punch
Theo? I’m sure he would. How far would he go, though? One punch
that kills?

And hadn’t I said I wanted to
kill Theo when he raped Rebecca? I’d never known how to be angry
with him when he raped me, but I was protective of a woman I’d
never met before, blind with fury over what he’d done again.

I tell myself it was an
accident. A tragic accident. Ben was provoked. The intention was
never there to kill him. Break his nose, maybe. Kill him? No.

So which is the real Ben, I
wonder. The twenty-year-old who went through hell and kept it all
hidden inside, or the twenty-five-year-old who spends his life
trying to help other people? He told me in the beginning I was more
than just a girl who was raped. It was something horrific that
happened, but it didn’t define me. And the more I think about it,
the more I realize it doesn’t define him, either.

I think I do know the real Ben.
The strong, compassionate, kind man I fell in love with. The one
who mended my head and my heart and put me back together again.

I’m so lost in thought, I don’t
realize Rebecca’s talking to me at first.

‘Sorry?’ I tear my gaze back to
her.

‘I said I couldn’t have done
this without you.’

I close my eyes and rest my hand
on her arm, remembering a time when I said those very words to
Ben.

A barrister for the Crown
Prosecution Service exits the court and heads our way. ‘We’re
adjourned for the day now,’ she says. ‘Well done, Rebecca. You were
very clear and concise with your evidence. I think it went
exceptionally well.’ She turns to me with a serious expression.
‘You’ll be called first thing in the morning, Grace.’

‘OK. I’m ready,’ I say with
determination.

‘Good.’ Her gaze drifts between
Rebecca and me, and she gives us a cool smile. A smile that says
she’s heard it all before and seen the worst of humanity. ‘Thank
you, ladies.’ She walks up the hallway in her white wig, black
robes, and sensible shoes.

‘We’ll be here tomorrow, too,’
Rebecca’s mum says. ‘After everything you’ve done for Rebecca, we
want to give you some support, too.’

Rebecca nods, although she looks
totally wiped out, like she’s about to pass out.

‘You don’t have to do that,’ I
say.

Over Rebecca’s shoulder I see
Theo’s mum, Elaine, dressed in her barrister robes exit the
courtroom with her colleague, who is first chair at the defence
table. She barely acknowledges us standing here. It’s only the
pinched lips and creased forehead that gives away her feelings.
Edward appears through the door next, and Theo will emerge soon
because he’s out on bail. I take Rebecca’s hand and pull her in the
opposite direction, down the corridor so we’re both out of his
sightline. Her mum follows.

‘Really, it’s OK,’ I say. ‘You
don’t have to be here. It’s probably too much for you, anyway,
Rebecca.’

‘You need someone here to
support you like you’ve done for Rebecca, though,’ her mum
insists.

A picture of Ben’s face flashes
behind my eyelids. I don’t need his support. I can do this on my
own. In fact, I know I can do anything on my own now. Face
anything.

But I
want
his support. I
want
him
.

The good and the bad. The ugly
and the beautiful.

He’s never given me a reason to
doubt I’d be safe with him. He’s never been violent; in fact, he’s
the exact opposite of that. He was there for me from the beginning,
before I even knew I needed him. Looking out for me, protecting me.
He was the bandage for my wounds. My solace. My rock. The man
strong enough to save the broken girl. Fix what I thought was
unfixable. I know he’d never hurt me. Never hurt anyone
intentionally.

Maybe Lisa was right. Our pasts
had brought us together for whatever reason. They’re interconnected
with each other, inextricably binding us to one another forever.
Maybe we were supposed to save each other, and I’d just abandoned
him when he needed me the most.

A wave of guilt crushes me as it
suddenly registers what’s been bothering me. It’s something he told
me all those months ago in the coffee shop. Something that shows
the essence of who he really is. That proves to me beyond a doubt I
do know the real Ben.

As Lisa said, he couldn’t tell
me what he’d been through in the beginning, any more than I could
just announce to her that I’d been raped. But he
did
tell me
about Mia. A story he’d never told anyone before.

Why?

How did he know that was the
right thing to say to give me courage to share my story so I could
finally begin to heal? He knew something bad had happened to me
from the panic attacks and the way I’d acted, but how did he know
I’d been raped? It could’ve been something else entirely. I
could’ve been involved in a physically abusive relationship, and
might’ve had panic attacks, and acted the way I did. Yes, Ben’s an
intuitive guy, and he can read people well. I assumed he’d read me,
too, because he’d helped other rape victims as a counsellor. But
looking back now, I don’t think he could’ve guessed
exactly
what had happened to me.

Which means he found out some
other way.

He didn’t have my number written
on his hand before the accident because he’d seen a defective brake
light on my car. When I told him the lights appeared to be working
OK, it seemed like he didn’t know what I was talking about. He
couldn’t remember, because he lied. Just like he lied about his
past.

But if the lie is for a good
reason, does it still make it bad? And hadn’t I lied a thousand
times about my past to people, too? So am I just a hypocrite?

Suddenly, I have to get out of
there and find him. ‘I won’t be alone,’ I tell them, and rush out
of the building, running down the street.

Every step takes me closer to
Ben. I just hope it’s not too late to help me save him from
himself.