Butterfly (28 page)

I tickle her waist. She shrieks
and runs into the bedroom. There’s only one way in, and I stand in
the doorway.

‘Oh, yeah, Miss Smarty Pants,
how are you going to get away now?’ I grin.

She makes a move to go left so
I’ll chase her, but at the last minute, she goes right. I’m used to
figuring out my opponents’ next moves when I was in the ring, and
I’m way ahead of her. I grab her by the waist and lift her onto the
bed, sliding on top of her. I place my hands either side of her
head and she looks up at me, laughing and panting.

‘Kiss me.’ She reaches her arms
up my biceps and digs in her fingernails. I don’t need asking
twice.

After we make love, she jumps
out of bed. ‘Hey, where are you going?’ I prop myself up on one
elbow and watch her gorgeous body walk out the door.

‘I’m getting the letter,’ she
says over her shoulder.

And now I know I
really
don’t want to find out what’s in that letter. My little denial
dream will be smashed to smithereens. This job’s so important to
me, and not only for the work I’ll be doing. It means I can take
things to the next level with Grace. I want to give her the world
and look after her, and that takes money.

She pads back in the bedroom
with the letter in her hand. Her forehead’s pinched in a frown, but
it doesn’t sit right. She’s trying to look upset, but her eyes are
sparkling way too much, giving her away.

‘Did I get it?’ I sit up as a
flicker of excitement rushes through every molecule in my body.

‘No.’ She shakes her head, but
her poker face isn’t winning any hands.

‘You’re such a tease.’ I jump
out of bed and snatch the letter from her, my eyes scanning the
words.

…
pleased to offer you the
position of Rape Counsellor at the Cambridge Women’s
Centre…

‘Bloody hell!’ I pick her up and
spin her around, my smile stretching ear to ear.

She half-squeals, half-laughs.
‘Congratulations, Ben. I’m so happy for you. I’m so proud of
you.’

I stop spinning and carry her
back to my bed.

This is it. The thing I’ve
worked so hard to achieve since Mia. It’s finally here, and my
life’s actually coming together in ways I never even dreamt of.
Didn’t dare to dream of.

I try and push away the thoughts
of guilt from my past, because if Kate gave me this job, then what
she said she saw in me must be true, mustn’t it?

I’m so ecstatic I can hardly
breathe. ‘Grace, do you want to live together?’

Her eyes lift up at the corners
as a beaming smile lights up her whole face. ‘Yes.’

57

GRACE

I say goodbye to the last
customer of the day and walk into the kitchen to put some cups in
the dishwasher. Ben’s left early to do his last counselling session
at the Youth Centre. He’s got a week before he starts his new job,
which he’s arranged on purpose so he can be there to support me
through the rape trial. It starts tomorrow.

I’m so nervous about going to
court, who wouldn’t be? But I’m determined to see this through, and
as long as I’ve got Ben by my side, it’s going to be bearable.

I give the kitchen worktops a
final wipe down as I think about how lucky I am to have met Ben.
Sometimes I can’t believe this is really happening to me. Can
anything this wonderful last, or is it too good to be true, because
I’m finally starting to believe in happy endings? It feels like a
dream. A fairy tale. Should I pinch myself to see if it’s real?

I hear the door open out in the
shop, dragging my thoughts back down to earth.

Shit. I forgot to lock it!

Walking out of the kitchen, I
say, ‘Sorry, we’re…’ The words die in my throat as I see Edward
there.

‘Hello, Grace.’ He gives me a
chillingly smug smile.

‘Get out of here before I call
the police.’ I glare at him. ‘You’re not going to intimidate me, so
just leave. Now.’ I point to the door.

‘Do you know what happens in a
rape trial?’ he asks. Before I can say anything, he carries on.
‘The defence co-counsel, who just happens to be my wife in this
case, looks at the alleged victim’s credibility. They dig up very
interesting information that will convince the jury to cast
reasonable doubt on their allegations.’

I frown, wondering what he’s
talking about. ‘There’s nothing wrong with my credibility,’ I
snap.

‘Really?’ He raises a
disbelieving eyebrow. ‘So, what do you think they’ll do when they
find out you’re involved with a murderer?’

‘What? What are you talking
about? I don’t know anyone like that.’

He starts reading from a sheet
of paper in his hand, his voice mocking. ‘Ben Hardy. Twenty-five
years old. Convicted of involuntary manslaughter. Served a
three-year prison sentence and a two-year probation term.’

I take a step back and grip the
side of the counter for support as the force of his words hit me.
He carries on reading, but I can’t hear anything except the
pounding of my pulse in my ears. I can’t breathe. All the blood
drains from my face.

This can’t be true. It can’t
possibly be true.

‘You’re lying! You’re just
making up things to scare me into not testifying. Well, it won’t
work! I’m going through with this, and nothing you say will stop
me.’

‘Didn’t you think we’d do our
homework? You two pieces of rubbish accuse my son of rape, and you
don’t think we’re going to look into everything going on in your
lives?’ He tosses the piece of paper on the counter. ‘What do you
think the jury’s going to think of you now? Not so squeaky clean,
are you?’ His voice sends chills through me.

‘Get the hell out of here!’ I
yell at him.

‘You’re not going to win here,
Grace. No one will believe you. If you don’t want your life
attacked on the stand, then don’t attack my son’s.’ He leaves me
with a steely glare before he turns and walks out.

I stare at the piece of paper,
shaking my head. It’s a lie. It has to be.

I pick it up and start reading.
It’s a criminal record report, and it has Ben’s name on it.

Ben’s name!

It’s not a lie. It’s the
truth.

The cold, hard, ugly truth.

The room spins before my eyes,
and I slide to the floor, the paper fluttering out of reach. This
is the pinch. The pinch that wakes me up from the fairy tale.

58

BEN

‘Grace?’ I open her flat door
with my key and walk into the lounge, but she’s not there. No sign
of her in the rest of the flat.

I frown. It’s nine p.m.; she
should be here. I dial her mobile, but it just rings and rings.

Where the hell is she?

That’s when I panic.

Something’s happened to her.
She’s been in an accident or been mugged. Or… something.

I run back out the door and head
around to the coffee shop. It’s in darkness. I try the handle,
expecting it to be locked, but it’s not. I stumble through the door
with momentum.

‘Grace?’ I’m walking past the
counter when I see her. She’s hugging her knees, her face streaked
with tears. She scrambles to her feet, jerking as far away from me
as she can get. It reminds me of the first time I was here, when
the pipe burst and she had the panic attack. Like a horrible kind
of déjà vu.

‘Stay away from me!’ She
stretches her hand out in front of her. Her wild eyes are hard with
anger.

‘What’s happened? Are you OK?
Are you hurt?’ I move a step closer.

‘I. Said. Stay. Away.’ She
pronounces each word slowly and coldly, and it freezes me in my
tracks.

Thoughts process through my mind
at a hundred miles an hour.
Has Theo’s dad come back and
threatened her? Has there been a robbery while I’ve been gone? Is
it another panic attack? Something worse?

‘Grace! Tell me what’s
happened?’ I run a hand over my hair, feeling helpless.

She narrows her eyes. ‘What did
you do, Ben?’

I frown. ‘I don’t understand.
What do you—’

‘What did you do!’ she yells,
her eyes emanating pure venom. ‘Tell me what you did! You killed
someone!’

Her words knock the breath out
of me. My guts clench with icy fear.

She knows. Somehow, she
knows.

This is it. The end of
everything important to me. Everything that’s good in my life. I
can’t escape the truth anymore. My world’s about to implode, and I
can’t do a damned thing about it.

‘I’ll tell you, Grace, but will
you please let me hold your hand?’ I plead, tears pricking my eyes.
After this, it’s over, and I have to touch her one last time.

‘No.’ She glares at me, the
anger and hurt flashing in her eyes. ‘Just fucking tell me!’ The
hatred in her voice just about breaks me in two, her words
suffocating me.

I slump onto a chair in front of
the counter. The same chair I sat in when I first started working
here, after worming my way into her life. I thought I was helping
her, but I got it so wrong.

So sickeningly wrong.

I shouldn’t have got involved
like this. Knew it was crazy. Breaking all the promises and rules
I’d made myself, but I couldn’t help it. There was something about
her. Something I just couldn’t stay away from. I loved her from the
beginning, even before I could put a name on it. Even before I knew
I was capable of it. I wanted to be worthy of her. Tried
desperately to be, but deep down I knew it would never happen. The
time we’ve spent together has been the best time of my life. Ever.
And all I’ll have now are the memories.

‘Please believe me, Grace. I
never meant to hurt you.’ I stare at my hands but don’t really see
them. Instead, I see the images in my head. Think how I can
possibly explain this. There’s no easy way, but I can’t avoid it
any longer.

‘Just. Fucking. Tell. Me!’

So I take a deep breath for
courage as the words tremble on my tongue. Then I tell her
everything I’ve been trying so hard to forget.

‘When I told you about Mia, I
didn’t tell you the whole story. After she was raped, I was so
fucking angry. Since she didn’t want me to tell anyone about it, I
kept it all inside. I felt useless. Pathetic. Like I could’ve done
something to protect her. I failed her, Grace.’ I sink my head in
my hands and close my eyes, seeing Mia’s face. ‘She told me who the
bastard was. He was in her class at uni. He’d been to our house
when they were doing some studying together. At first, I wanted to
kill him. I was so angry I wanted to kick the shit out of him. But
I didn’t. I let it fester away inside, not knowing what to do. I
tried to get Mia to talk to someone, and she wouldn’t. I tried
everything I knew how. And then she finally couldn’t cope with the
guilt and shame anymore.’ Tears slide down my cheeks now. I can’t
hold them in any longer. Don’t even have the energy to try. ‘After
she killed herself, it made me realize I’d failed her a second
time. I couldn’t change her mind about how she felt. I couldn’t get
her through it. I watched her slip away from me, and I couldn’t
stop it.’

Grace sniffs. She’s crying, too.
‘So what happened?’ Her cold voice sounds like she’s a long way
off. A million miles away from me.

I wipe my cheeks with the back
of my hands. ‘I lost the plot for a while. I trained for fights
like a mad man. I wanted to exhaust myself so I could sleep and not
feel anything. Not think about anything. And when that didn’t work,
I started drinking. Six months after Mia died, I was in a pub near
where we lived with some mates. I was pretty drunk. On the way
home, they left me to stop at a kebab shop, and I carried on
walking. That’s when I saw him. The fucker who’d done this to her.’
My jaw trembles.

‘Oh my God,’ Grace says in the
darkness.

‘I tried to ignore him. I tried
my hardest, because I knew what would happen if I didn’t. I kept my
hands in my pockets so I couldn’t lash out like I wanted to. But he
obviously knew who I was. He’d seen me at the house. He walked
towards me with this cocky swagger and said something as I walked
past.’ I stare at the ceiling as the memories replay in my head in
slow motion. ‘I didn’t hear what he said, but I turned around and
asked him to repeat it.’ I still hear those words ringing in my
ears, see his remorseless face twist with arrogance. ‘He said,
“She’s a horny little thing, your sister, isn’t she? She was
begging for it.”

‘I couldn’t hold back any more.
I swung around and punched him. One punch, that was all it was. My
fist reacted before my brain could tell it not to. It was one
second where I snapped and lost control. One moment of impact when
I stopped being Ben and became a killer. Yes, I hated him. And if I
said I hadn’t dreamt about kicking the shit out of him for what
he’d done, then I’d be lying, but I never would have done it. And I
didn’t even get as far as kicking the shit out of him. In the end
it was just one punch.’ I shake my head, trying to clear the
picture swimming before my eyes. ‘He landed wrong. Hit the kerb
with his head. It was a fluke punch. He died, Grace, I killed him.
I was convicted of involuntary manslaughter and served three years
inside and two years probation.’

59

GRACE

I wrap my arms round myself to
try to control the shaking. My head screams,
He killed someone.
He could hurt you, too. He’s violent. Dangerous. Just like
Theo!

‘You lied to me,’ I shout,
shaking my head with disbelief as the tears stream down my face. ‘I
was completely honest with you. I bared my soul to you. My deepest,
darkest secrets. You knew things about me no one else knew, and you
lied to me!’

He stands, his shoulders
drooping. The tears in his eyes match mine. ‘I’m so sorry, Grace. I
knew what would happen if I told you. I couldn’t bear for you to
look at me the way you’re looking at me know. I knew you’d leave
me.’