He stands there for a moment,
looking into my eyes with such anguish and hurt that I can’t
speak.
‘I really need to kiss you right
now,’ he says.
I just nod, giving him my
permission, because I want to take away that awful, haunted look
etched on his face.
He steps through the door and
kicks it shut behind him. Before I know what’s happening, his hands
are framing my face and his lips are on mine. But it’s not a gentle
kiss like all the times before. It’s urgent, passionate, and raw,
sending shockwaves crashing through me.
He runs his hands down the side
of my neck, his thumbs caressing my collarbone as he groans into my
mouth.
My skin breaks out in
goosebumps, and I shiver slightly. My core clenches in response to
his tongue tantalizing mine.
‘Shit, I’m so sorry.’ He steps
away from me, rubbing the back of his neck as he looks at the
floor.
‘Don’t be sorry.’ I take his
hand and pull him down to the sofa next to me. I want to make that
pained look on his face disappear. ‘Tell me what happened.’
‘I guess the interview brought
back memories of Mia.’
I squeeze his hand because I
don’t know what to say. If there is anything I can say. How do you
make something like that right?
‘I…I just don’t know anymore if
I’m cut out to be a counsellor. I don’t know if I’m doing the right
thing. I don’t—’
‘You are!’ I cut him off. ‘When
I met you I was a scared, emotional wreck who was putting on a
front to the rest of the world, barely existing. Now look at me. I
know I’m not completely there yet. I know I’ve still got issues I
need to deal with, but I’d never have even got this far without you
helping me. You can do that for other women in the same situation,
too, Ben. Don’t doubt yourself for a moment. Please.’
He turns to me. A range of
emotions plays out over his face. Fear, pain, and something else I
can’t work out.
‘I need to tell you something,’
he says in a low voice, gripping my hand tight like he can’t bear
not to touch me.
‘You can tell me anything. I’ve
told you all my darkest secrets, Ben.’
His gaze dances over my face,
but he doesn’t speak.
‘What?’ I say, worried now that
he’s going to distance himself from me.
From us.
Scared that maybe he thinks I’m
just too damaged and scarred to be with after all. That he thinks
this has all been a mistake.
He opens his mouth to say
something. Closes it again.
He takes a deep breath. Looks
down at the floor as if he’s plucking up courage.
I don’t know what I’m expecting
him to say, but his next words blow me away.
36
BEN
‘I’m in love with you,’ I say.
Words I’ve never told anyone. Words I never
imagined
telling
anyone.
I don’t mean to say it. I mean
to tell her everything about me. I want the secrets and lies to end
here.
But I don’t. Can’t make myself
say those words.
When she hears it, she won’t
feel the same about the guy she thinks I am, and another piece of
me will die, just like with Mia. So before she ever knows the whole
truth, I want her to know I really do love her.
Need her.
Want her with all my heart.
I can tell by the way she gasps
she’s not expecting that.
Fuck it!
What have I
done?
‘I shouldn’t have said that,’ I
say, wishing I could take it back.
The last thing she needs is me
putting this on her. She needs a friend. That’s all.
She reaches for my hand.
‘Ben…’
‘It’s OK. You don’t have to say
anything. I just wanted you to know.’ I take her hand and rest it
on my cheek, placing mine over the top to get more contact with her
skin.
‘I…’ She bites down on her lower
lip, and I just want to kiss her again. ‘Ben, I feel so much for
you. You’ve been nothing but kind and caring since I met you.
You’ve helped me start to get past what happened, and…’ She inhales
a deep breath, giving me a sad smile. ‘It was never like this with
Theo
.
He never made me feel what you do. No one has. That
first time I kissed you, it was like the first time
anyone
had kissed me, because that’s what a kiss should feel like. But I’m
scared of this.’
‘Everyone’s scared. It is scary
letting down the barriers, putting yourself out there, making
yourself vulnerable.’
I should know, after all.
‘No, I’m scared that I can’t be
normal.’ She glances away, embarrassed.
‘You mean sex?’
‘I’m scared I won’t want to have
sex again. Or I can’t have it. Or I’ll freak out in the middle of
it. Part of me really wants to, with you, but part of me is just
terrified of it.’
I turn my cheek and kiss her
hand. ‘I told you, I’m not going anywhere. We can work through
this. I’ll never do something you don’t want me to. Have I ever
given you a reason to think I’ll be violent towards you or hurt
you?’
‘No. In fact, it’s strange, but
you make me feel safe and protected. Adored, even, and I’ve never
had that.’
‘So, we’ll take it slow. When
the time’s right, you’ll be in total control.’ I take her hand from
my cheek and place it on my thigh, rubbing small circles in her
palm gently. ‘And there are things you can try that will help
with—’ I smell something burning and sniff. ‘Have you got something
in the oven?’
‘The spaghetti sauce!’ she
shrieks, leaping off the sofa.
I follow her into the kitchen as
she yanks the pan off the hob. The sauce is congealed into a burnt
lump at the bottom.
‘I wanted my first meal for you
to be really special.’ She glares at the mess, looking so cute as
she pouts at the ruined dinner. I take the pan out of her hands and
put it back on the hob, then wrap my arms around her. She rests her
head on my chest, and I slide my fingers through her silky
hair.
‘Every moment I spend with you
is special. Don’t think we have to rush this. When you’re ready to
take things to the next level, so am I, but I’m not going to push
you into anything.’
‘What did I do to deserve you
coming into my life?’ she whispers.
‘Ditto, Grace.’
‘Are you still hungry?’ she
asks.
‘Actually, I’m starving.’
‘Take away?’
‘Absolutely. What do you
fancy?’
‘I haven’t had Chinese in a long
time,’ she says wistfully. ‘I don’t like strange people delivering
food to my flat, so I don’t get them anymore.’
‘Well, I wouldn’t want to
disappoint you. Chinese it is, then.’
~~~~
After we’ve eaten and tidied up,
we sit together on her sofa listening to Passenger, my arm wrapped
around her shoulder, her head nestling under the crook of my
arm.
‘So, before we were rudely
interrupted by the burning dinner, you said there were some things
I can do that will help with…’ she trails off, fidgeting with her
hands. ‘You know.’
‘Sex?’ I glance down at her.
‘Yeah.’ She looks away,
embarrassed.
‘It’s not a dirty word, Grace.
You can say it.’
‘What?’
‘The S-word you’re having
trouble saying.’
She’s silent for a while.
‘Why?’
‘Because talking about it helps
with the fear, especially if you make it funny.’ I put on a bad
French accent and say, ‘
Oui, oui
. You know ze French are
always having
sex.
’ It sounds pretty much like Inspector
Clouseau and makes her laugh, so I do my best Italian accent.
‘
Bellisimo
, I am an Italian stallion and I theenk you should
say
sex.
’ Then I try South African, but it just comes out
sounding like Indian, which has her in fits of laughter. ‘See, how
can it be bad if it’s funny? And everyone does it.’
She laughs. ‘Well, not everyone,
I suppose. I mean, nuns don’t do it.’
‘How do you know? Who knows what
they get up to in their secret nun world?’
‘Good point, although I’ve got a
horrible picture in my head now.’
‘But the thing is, sex shouldn’t
be about something painful or dirty. Sex between consenting adults
should be intimate and caring. Sexual desire is healthy,
normal.’
‘Unless you’re into S&M, and
then it probably is painful and dirty.’
I shake my head at her with
feigned annoyance. ‘You’re determined not to let me finish, aren’t
you?’
‘OK, I’ll stop interrupting you
now.’
‘I know it’s hard to think about
sex normally now, but there are some therapeutic things you can do
to change how you feel about it.’
‘What? Because I want to. I
really do. At the moment sex and fear and hurt go hand in
hand.’
‘One thing is to make a list.
Write down how you see sex now, and how you want to see it. Then
reject the bad things, like sex is dirty, and concentrate on the
good things.’
She strokes my hand as I speak.
All this talk about sex is making me want her so badly, but I have
to try to control myself. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want
her, and it’s practically killing me.
‘You need to feel sexy for
yourself instead of ashamed for being a beautiful woman,’ I say.
‘Explore what makes
you
feel sexy for you. Whether it’s
wearing perfume, having your hair done, wearing nice clothes, sexy
underwear, whatever. Just do it for you first so you can empower
yourself as a sexy woman. Rebel against any negative ideas you’ve
formed about sex.’
She tenses.
I kiss the top of her head. ‘Is
it still making you uncomfortable, talking about it?’
‘No, it’s
just…embarrassing.’
‘That’s the thing. It shouldn’t
be embarrassing. It’s the most natural thing in the world, when it
doesn’t involve force. You need to think of it the way sex between
two people
should
be.’
Talking about this with her
makes me want to see her naked, with my hands and mouth exploring
every inch of her. I try to push the thoughts away. I’m going to be
in serious trouble soon.
‘OK, is there anything else I
can do?’ she asks.
‘You can masturbate.’
She groans and slaps a hand over
her face. ‘Oh my God, I can’t believe we’re talking about
this.’
‘If we don’t talk about how you
feel, you can’t get past it. We have to be honest with each other,’
I say.
Yeah, I said I was a hypocrite,
didn’t I?
‘I know,’ she whispers
‘You don’t need to be
embarrassed about masturbating. It’s a healthy way to find out what
you like, so you can tell a guy how to please you in the same way.’
And it’s exactly what I’m going to be doing when I get home,
thinking of her, with her fresh vanilla scent still on me. It feels
a bit perverted, but if I listen to my own advice, I know it’s
natural. I’m in love with this woman. What’s wrong with it?
‘Sex shouldn’t be about pain or
violence,’ I say. ‘It should be beautiful.’
‘OK, I’ll try what you’ve
suggested.’
I tilt her chin to mine and
brush my lips across hers, then I wrench my mouth away and pull her
to her feet.
‘Are you going?’ she frowns,
confused.
I grin. ‘All this talk about sex
is making me want to do things to you you’re not ready for.’
Her mouth forms into an
O
, and her cheeks flood with colour.
37
GRACE
I was speechless when he told me
he loved me. I literally couldn’t draw in any air for a few
seconds. It was the last thing I was expecting, and it made my
heart swell with happiness. I wanted to tell Ben that I love him,
too, because I do. I love so many things about him, and I want to
scream it out loud.
This time it’s not some
infatuation or some impostor of love. It’s not me
craving
to
be loved so badly that I mistake need for the real thing. With Ben,
it just feels…right. I’m a woman who’s in love for the first time,
but I can’t tell him I feel the same until I can be a complete
woman and have sex with him. It’s not fair to Ben. What if I can’t
give him everything he wants?
After he leaves, I take a shower
and think about what he’s said tonight. I want to get past
this.
For Ben.
For me.
For us.
Mum wasn’t around to ask advice
from, and Imogen was never interested in trying to tell me about
the facts of life. So everything I learnt about sex, I learnt from
Theo, and it obviously wasn’t very pretty. I didn’t really enjoy
sex with Theo, even before it happened. He was selfish in bed, not
caring if I was happy. So, although I’ve had sex, it was never
mind-blowing. I haven’t even had an orgasm with a man, but I know I
can. I’ve done it to myself before.
But not since the rape. Since
then, even the thought of touching myself intimately has seemed
wrong.
What was it Ben said about
creating new memories that didn’t harm me anymore? That’s what I
want to do. Erase the bad ones and make new ones.
With him.
Even kissing Ben gives me more
explosive sensations than I ever had with Theo
.
When Ben
touches me, it’s as if I almost forget my name. When he kisses me,
he’s making sweet love to my mouth. My body responds in ways it
never has before, igniting something I never knew was possible, and
I want more of him. So now, I need to prove to myself that I am a
real woman. That I am normal. That I can erase the pain with
pleasure.
An idea forms in my head. There
maybe a way to help me get rid of my fears about intimacy and let
go of those bad memories associated with sex, (yes, I
can
say it, hurrah!). I slide into bed naked, and before I can change
my mind, I dial his phone number. Turning my mobile to
speakerphone, I listen to it ringing.
He answers on the fourth ring.
‘Hey, are you OK?’ Worry laces his voice.