Cara's Twelve (30 page)

She frowned not understanding his meaning, but hearing the sincerity in his voice she asked, “Then don't push me away. I'm going to need you, now more than ever.”

Exhaling a shaky breath he straightened, and there were tears in his eyes when he looked at her. “I'm sorry I let him hurt you. When I realized what had happened, that Edmund had taken you, I tried to reach you before he could hurt you. When I entered the room and saw what he had done to you I nearly lost my mind.”

“It was my fault. I shouldn't have gone to the stables alone. You had warned me not to go anywhere without you. None of this would have happened if I would have listened to you.”

Tahdaon shook his head. “I'll kill him for what he did to you.”

Cara nodded, understanding his anger.

Clearing his throat, Tahdaon looked down at his hands and mumbled. “If you're wanting to rid yourself of the child, there are herbs that the midwives have-“

Cara flinched and pulled away from him.

“No,” she said sternly.

“You say that now, but what happens when the child is here? When you have to look upon its face every day, remembering where it came from. Who its father is. My mother loved me, but I know that there wasn't one day that passed that she didn't look at me and see Ballack's bastard. Are you prepared for that? To hold your child knowing Edmund's blood runs through its veins?”

Cara bit her lip as she realized the lie he had come to believe. “Edmund never touched me. At least not in the way you're implying. Even if he had, you heard what the physician said. I was with child before Wesley took me from Drumna. The child is yours Tahdaon, and I have every intention of keeping it.”

“Mine?”

“I had my suspicions, but with everything that happened-”

“Mine” he repeated.

“Are you angry?”

He shook his head, but she could tell he was still trying to process what she told him. He had believed that Edmund had done to her what Ballack had done to his own mother. She understood now why he had been so distraught. The fear that history had repeated itself, and that he was somehow responsible for it.

Moments passed before he finally spoke. “The child will never be recognized as legitimate.”

“No, but that doesn't mean it won't be loved.”

Tahdaon smiled sadly and took her hand, placing it against his lips. “Thank you.”

Wanting more than just his tender touch she smiled in resignation as he pulled away. Whatever the future held for them, the child she carried would forever bind them together. For that she was grateful.

Finn exited the room where Cara lay sleeping and almost stumbled into Tahdaon.

“I was just coming to check on her,” Tahdaon said, shifting uneasily as he glanced over Finn's shoulder through the half open door.

“She's sleeping,” Finn said, shutting the door quietly behind him, barring Tahdaon from entering.

The nausea that had plagued her onboard the ship had dissipated and she had regained some of the weight that she had lost, but was still extremely fatigued.

Tahdaon sighed and asked, “How is she?”

Finn's throat tightened as he saw the concern in Tahdaon's eyes. Despite Cara's requests to see him, Finn knew Tahdaon had only visited her a handful of times since they had arrived in Muir. Finn didn't know what kept the man away, but he knew that it wasn't because he didn't care for her.

“Stronger every day. She has something to live for now.” His voice was stonier then he meant it to be as he made reference to her condition.

Finn didn't blame either one of them, but the child complicated an already difficult situation. It would also be a constant reminder of what Cara and Tahdaon shared together, and he couldn't help but feel resentful that the child wasn't his.

Obviously uncomfortable, Tahdaon looked down at the floor and scratched the back of his neck.

An awkward silence followed.

It was clear to Finn that something had changed between Cara and Tahdaon during their time alone together. There was a bond between them now that went beyond the fact that she carried his child, and Finn struggled with the jealousy that sprouted from that knowledge. He had always known they had a connection, but it had never bothered him the way it did now.

Without speaking, Finn and Tahdaon made their way through the maze of hallways towards the great hall where Tahdaon's oldest brother Keghan sat arguing with one of his military chiefs.

Nearly two months before, in answer to his brother-in-law's request for troops, Keghan had sent three thousand men, representing nearly two-thirds of his army south towards Drumna. By land, the trek south was arduous and gruelling, but Keghan didn't have enough ships to send that many men by sea.

Led by Tahdaon's other brother Cahal, the cavalry were still a good month journey from reaching the walled city, and Keghan worried that his brother-in-law wouldn't be able to withstand an assault from Ballack's army for much longer. Osker needed assistance now.

“The waterways are still open,” the war chief argued. “I can have five hundred men at the gates of Drumna within two weeks. Muir is protected. Drumna needs the troops more than we do.”

Keghan rubbed his forehead as he thought about it.

“He's right brother,” Tahdaon said, as he and Finn entered the room. “Muir is fortified and well out of Ballack's reach. He doesn't have the ships to carry his troops this far north, and with winter approaching, he wouldn't dare press forward by land. Send the remaining men south.”

“What will five hundred men do against an army of thousands?” Keghan sighed.

“It will give Osker the chance to get Tia and mother out of the city. They can return on one of the ships.”

“I agree that they would be better off here, but Osker will never let Tia leave, not this soon after giving birth,” Keghan remarked.

“He would if he knew I was with them,” Tahdaon insisted. “Let me go with the men. I'll make sure the women and children are safe.”

All three of the men turned and gaped at him.

Finn cursed silently and shook his head as he realized Tahdaon's meaning.

Keghan gave Tahdaon a hard look. “You're sure you want to go? If the winter winds come early you could be stuck in Drumna until spring.”

“I'll take that chance.”

Finn tensed at the calculation and secrecy he saw in the man's eyes. There was more to this then Tahdaon had led on. Finn was sure of it.

Keghan nodded his approval and began discussing plans with the war chief who looked elated to finally be joining the battle.

Finn clenched his teeth and growled low in Tahdaon's ear so that the others couldn't hear, “You should have discussed this with Cara first.”

Tahdaon cut a warning glance to him and sighed irritably. “I won't be gone long. Cara's free from harm as long as she is in Muir, but my mother and sister aren't. I need to do this.”

Finn frowned. “You're place is here. You forget your vows. Let your brother send someone else.”

Tahdaon narrowed his gaze, his eyes hard as he growled, “I forget
nothing
. Cara is safe, which is more than you could say when you left her to visit your father and brothers.”

Finn opened his mouth to retaliate and then shut it. There was no point arguing with the man, and if Finn was honest with himself, he knew Tahdaon was right. He had been a fool to leave Cara to go south. He had lost more than just a few months with her, and he had placed her life at risk, an error that had cost them all.

Finn shrugged and sat back in his chair. If Tahdaon wanted to leave her the same way he had, Finn wouldn't argue with him. It would give him the time alone with her he needed to reconnect, and to help her heal.

She was carrying Tahdaon's child, but she also carried Finn's heart. He would make her remember what they shared, how much he loved her. No matter what it took.

* * *

Tahdaon watched Cara's expression, expecting her to protest, but instead she merely sighed and bowed her head.

“If you think it's safe for them to make the trip back, then you should go and bring them here.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, he relaxed as he realized she wouldn't try to stop him. He had feared that he would have to go behind her back and leave without her knowledge.

“When do you leave?”

“Tomorrow.”

Cara's eyes widened. “That soon?”

“Once the snow begins to fall, it isn't safe to sail north. If I am to return before spring then I need to leave as soon as possible.” Hesitantly, Tahdaon cupped her cheek and drew her towards him. “Thank you for understanding.”

He heard Cara's breath hitch in her throat as he brought his lips to hers and gently kissed her. It was the first time since Drumna that he had touched her, and his body trembled as he ran his hands down the length of her back.

“Stay with me tonight,” Cara whispered against his mouth.

“I don't want to hurt you.”

Cara froze, her dark eyes narrowing on him. “Is that why you haven't come to me?”

Tahdaon swallowed past the lump in his throat. The image of what Edmund had done to her would forever be branded on his heart and mind. She had been so mentally and physically broken that he had wondered how she would ever be whole again.

“After everything that's happened-”

She placed her fingers over his mouth. “I don't want to think about that now.”

Neither did he, but he didn't want to be the cause of any more pain in her life either.

He shuddered as her fingers found the hem of his shirt and she ran her hands up his abdomen and over his chest. Her touch burned through his insecurities and apprehension, and all he could think about was the taste of her as he trailed his tongue over her bottom lip.

She kissed him fervently as she undressed him, and when she pulled her nightdress over her head and stood naked before him, he nearly came undone.

“Are you sure you want this?” he croaked, as she began stroking him.

She smiled up at him, and there was only love and acceptance in her eyes.

His fingers tangled in her hair as he brought his mouth hard against hers.

“I don't want to hurt you,” he repeated against her lips, his breathing ragged as he tried to hold back.

She brushed her fingers over the faint white scar along his jaw. “The only way you hurt me is when you pull away.”

“I know,” he said, bringing her hand to his lips and savouring the softness of her skin.

If only life were that simple
, he thought, his heart racing as he picked her up and carried her to the bed. Staring down at her, he knew that he had never loved anyone the way he loved her.
If only it were enough.

Cara gazed up at him, her eyes searching, her need and arousal clearly written on her face.

She made him ache for more, for something that would never be possible. When the war was over, she would have to make a choice. If he gave his whole heart to her, how could he walk away unbroken?

His child grew inside her, a child that would never be acknowledged as legitimate, at least not in the southern provinces. The family that they could be, that he wanted them to be, wasn't possible.

In the end he knew she would choose Finn. Even Efy or Helfrich would be a better choice than he would. Once they defeated Edmund, Elbia would still be in a state of conflict, the country would never have accepted a Dalglieshan king in the best of times.

Every minute that passed only drew him closer to the time when she would leave him, a time when he would no longer be able to hold her or make love to her.

He placed his forehead against hers, closed his eyes and sighed.

“Stop worrying,” she whispered, tracing the line of his brow with her fingers.

He huffed, “That's like asking a fish not to swim.”

Laughing, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down so that he was lying on top of her.

“You'll have weeks alone on the open sea with just your thoughts, but right now you have me. Don't waste our last night together worrying about what may or may not happen.”

She nipped at his chin playfully, easing him out of his melancholy, and helping him to refocus on what was right in front of him.

As he entered her, he held her gaze, needing to watch her, to see the same desire and need that pierced his soul.

A ragged moan escaped her lips as he thrust deeper. Her face was flushed, her dark eyes locked on his as she arched towards him.

He kissed her with a fierce and desperate hunger, devouring her until she was shaking beneath him, her body lifting to meet his as she cried out in pleasure. Burying himself deep inside her, he growled low in his throat as he found his own release.

Spent and sated, he lay on his back, and pulled her into his arms, cradling her against his chest.

She would be his undoing, he was sure of it.

“I love you Tahdaon,” Cara said softly, almost inaudibly.

In that moment he almost reciprocated the words of love he knew she wanted to hear.

What good would it do to either of them?

If she knew how much he wanted her, needed her, it would only make her decision that much harder.

No, she could never know what was truly in his heart.

“I'll stay with you until morning,” he whispered, his voice full of regret as he pulled her closer to him.

She nodded against his chest and relaxed in his arms. It wasn't long before her breathing changed, and he knew she was asleep. She always slept better when she was in his arms.

He wondered if she slept as well when Finn held her.

For her sake he hoped she did.

He had no right to be jealous, but as he lay there, staring into the growing darkness, he knew there was a part of him that despised Finn. Hated him for the future that he would have with Cara. A life that Tahdaon would have to witness, knowing that if things were different, it could have been his.

Tahdaon blew out a frustrated breath and tried to redirect the anger that was building inside him. It wasn't Finn that he needed to worry about. His enemies were far viler and much more dangerous.

It was vengeance that needed to consume him. Retaliation against those who had harmed the people he cared about.

Before this was over, Ballack would pay for what he had done to his mother, and Edmund's blood would spill soon after.

Tahdaon knew what he had to do, his only regret was having to deceive Cara in order to accomplish it. She would never let him leave if she found out what his true purpose was for wanting to go to Drumna.

Once he secured his mother, sister, and her children on the ship headed to Muir, he would return to Ballack's castle in Knowl, and this time he wouldn't have Cara's safety to distract him from doing what had to be done.

Ballack and Edmund would finally pay for their crimes.

If he couldn't have Cara, then he would have the next best thing.

Revenge.