Cartography for Beginners (23 page)

"Most people name their children that way," Leo said. "They find a name they like. There's no deeper meaning necessary."

"I'm sure he's glad you went with something relatively innocuous," Stuart said and Leo chuckled again. "Sometimes I wish I'd met you when we were younger. I could have taken parenthood lessons from you."

"I didn't know anything more twenty years ago than I do now, believe me."

"I don't believe you," Stuart said. "I didn't think the kind of closeness was possible between father and son like you have with Dune, but if I'd thought it was, maybe I would have tried harder with Jean-Claude and he wouldn't resent me so much now."

Leo was quiet a moment. "I think it's more how you treat them than how they react to you. Dune knows I love him. He's always known it. He's always known I'd drop everything for him. If you can't do that, if you aren't willing to rearrange your life around your child, you have no business being a parent."

"You've given up so much for him," Stuart said, equally quiet. "You could have been an actor, you could have traveled more--"

"It's what you do," Leo said with a shrug. "Parenthood comes with sacrifice."

"I was never good at that," Stuart said, remembering Jean-Claude's scowling face, even as young as two or three. "I suppose we resented each other for making Joelle choose between us. I wanted my brilliant artist and he wanted his mummy, and Joelle, of course, chose to be mummy."

"You need to stop sleeping with your discoveries," Leo said seriously and Stuart started laughing again.

"Yes, yes, lesson learned. Though in my defense, if Jamie thinks I swept him off his feet he swept me up just as much. You should have seen how fearless he was when he was seventeen, how unfettered. The world was his for the taking."

"It still is," said Leo.

"It has little to do with me anymore," Stuart said. "It's his talent, his skill. All I can do is offer a way to showcase it."

They both fell silent, and then Leo said, "Stay with me tonight."

"Leo--"

"I know," said Leo, holding up his hands, "you don't think we should sleep together anymore. I know. But I don't want to sleep alone tonight. Please don't make me."

Stuart looked at him a moment. "Come to my room when the boys are gone to bed." He kissed Leo and went downstairs, intending to spend some time in the garden before he tried to sleep.

He could hear raised voices from the staircase, and could see Ben and Jamie arguing outside through the French doors. Stuart retreated to the kitchen and put on the kettle, but even so he could still see them, hear them -- right up until Jamie hauled Ben to him by his shirt and kissed him, hard and long enough to stop the shouts.

Stuart busied himself with putting the tea together, and when he looked again they were holding each other, slim hips close, arms around each other's necks, their foreheads leaning together. Stuart sighed resolutely looked away, and managed to greet them cheerfully when they finally came inside. "Thirsty?"

"I'm dying for a cuppa." Jamie sat at the kitchen island and gave a significant look to Ben.

Ben sat too, his hands folded together, and watched as Stuart poured tea through a strainer and into the cups. He took a deep breath. "Stuart, I need to apologize to you," he said, and not even like he was being forced to say it. Stuart stopped pouring and looked at him, waiting to see where this went before he spoke. Ben said, "You're a good friend to Jamie and I haven't been a good friend to you, and that's... wrong." He stopped and glanced at Jamie, who waited, too. "I'm sorry I've been ungrateful and such a bad houseguest. You do a lot for Jamie and me..." He looked at Jamie, and Jamie placed a hand on his back. "I need to remember that," Ben finished softly.

"You're forgiven," said Stuart. An apology was more than he'd expected, though it remained to be seen how long Ben could actually mean it. He placed the tea cups in front of them. "This is vanilla oolong. It's quite mild."

"Thanks," murmured Ben and cradled the cup in both hands to taste it. Jamie smiled at them both proudly as he picked up his own cup.

"What now?" Stuart sighed.

"Granddad," Jamie said.

"Shush," Stuart answered.

"You're a granddad," said Jamie. "I don't know why it makes me so happy to know that, but it does. Are we going to get to meet the girls at all?"

"I want to have them over for lunch, at least. I can put it off for when you're back from Manchester," he added.

"So you're giving your blessing on that?"

"I suppose I am," Stuart said. "You want to see them, and who am I to get in your way? I want you to have realistic expectations."

"Oh, I'm realistic," Jamie said. "I know I may not get any farther than the front door. But I have to try, Stuart."

"I know," Stuart said.

"I think Benjie is the only one of us who doesn't have some sort of family issues," Jamie said, looking at Ben, and Ben smiled to himself.

"That doesn't mean my family's normal."

"I know -- I've been there on inventory days."

Stuart looked away from their happy faces. "Are you planning on staying up a while longer? I'm more tired than I realized."

"We'll clean up," Jamie said. "Good night, Stuart."

"Good night," said Stuart. He went upstairs and got ready for bed, and lay awake for a while in the dark, his arm behind his head, listening to the sounds of the boys settling in. When it was finally quiet he closed his eyes, and didn't open them at the soft rap on his door. "Come."

Soft click of a door opening and closing, soft footsteps across the floor, soft sound of limbs against the sheets as Leo slid beside him. He curled his arm around Leo and whispered, "Good night," and Leo laid his head on Stuart's chest and murmured, "Sleep sweet," in reply.

Chapter Fourteen

Saturday morning, Jamie and Ben took the train to Manchester. Leo offered to go with them, but Jamie told him they'd be fine, and would be back in London Sunday night. "If not earlier," said Ben, looking worried, though he smiled when Jamie kissed him.

Leo saw them off alone -- Stuart had left for the city early, as he did every morning, and Dune and Micah had stayed out late the night before and were still asleep. After the cab took them off, he left a note for the boys on the fridge and walked to a café, ordered breakfast and watched the river as he drank his coffee.

He had called Rupert the morning after their abandoned date and apologized for leaving him so abruptly. Rupert was understanding, but didn't suggest they meet again.

Leo was content to cross off that part of their vacation plans. Fucking a stranger wasn't the answer any more than fucking a friend had been -- though he and Stuart had entered into a strange sort of phase that he didn't know at all how to classify. Every night he came to Stuart's room after the boys were asleep and got into bed with him, and left soon after Stuart got up. They didn't say much and they didn't take off their clothes, but Leo woke once or twice with Stuart's hand down the back of his pajama bottoms or cupping his crotch; and he knew he had kissed Stuart when they both were half-asleep, lazy and sloppy kisses that ended as abruptly and randomly as they began.

The girls and Tallis planned to come to the house for lunch on Monday. Leo knew Stuart wouldn't introduce him as his boyfriend but he wondered what word Stuart would choose.

Leo had been in the café long enough to finish his breakfast and become absorbed in the chess game being played by the couple at the table beside him when Micah and Dune finally ambled in. "You live," he said as Dune bent to kiss his forehead.

"Barely," Dune said. "Micah thinks we should come back next year for the Glastonbury Festival but I think if we get wiped out by a night of dancing we're never going to manage an entire festival weekend."

"We need to do those kinds of things before we have responsibilities to distract us," said Micah and took Dune to the counter to get their food. Leo shook his head as he drank the last of his coffee -- it still felt overly optimistic for them to plan for children.

They came back with plates of eggs, beans and toast, and Micah had gotten a refill for Leo's coffee. "I think we're still jetlagged, anyway," he said as he scooped up the first bite. "It takes a couple days to get adjusted to a completely different time zone."

"Though why you're doing okay is a mystery," said Dune, nodding at Leo.

"Willpower," said Leo, smiling at him.

"So did Jamie and Benjie get off okay?" Micah said.

"They got off fine. They took a cab to the train station and Jamie texted me a bit ago to say they're on their way. I hope he finds what he's looking for."

"What is he looking for?" Dune said seriously.

"His family," said Leo. "He wants his family back. The Gallaghers have made him feel as welcome as any of their daughters-in-law, but in-laws aren't the same as your own parents."

"I can understand that," said Micah, and Dune put an arm around him and squeezed him tight.

"Your folks will come around," he said gently and nuzzled their faces together. 

Leo watched them fondly. "I hope Jamie's parents have had enough time to miss him. Stuart told me he tried to talk to them when he and Jamie were first together and they wouldn't listen to a word."

"I still think we should have gone with them," Micah said. "They wouldn't throw him out again with all of his friends around, would they?"

"Would you want them to react that way?" said Leo. "To accept him because there was an audience? It's better this way, with just Ben. It's more likely they'll be genuine." The boys ate, both looking contemplative, and Leo changed the subject. "What are you planning to do today?"

"I want to walk around Westminster," said Micah. "I want Dunie to see the Houses of Parliament and Big Ben. You can't come to London without seeing those. People expect it."

"A big clock," Dune said. "Whee."

"Shut up, it's gorgeous."

"If you say so, sweetheart," Dune said and smiled at Leo over his coffee cup. "What about you?"

"I wouldn't mind walking around Westminster, if you don't mind the company. I feel like I've seen remarkably little of the city."

"Come with us!" Micah exclaimed. "We can be dopey tourists together. And we should drag Stuart to have lunch with us."

Leo looked at his watch. "By the time we got to the gallery I'm sure he'd have eaten already. We should try to catch him for dinner instead. But I'd love to be a dopey tourist with you."

"Hooray!" said Micah, clapping his hands, and Dune giggled at him.

When the boys had finished, they walked to the nearest Tube station and took a train into Westminster City, and started their walk at Westminster Abbey. "If you want to go to church they still have services here," Dune told Micah.

"Church of England?" said Micah doubtfully.

"One of the more accepting denominations," Leo observed. "I bet it'll be a madhouse, though."

They went inside to have a brief look around but decided to save the tour for another day. Micah and Dune held hands as they looked down at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, and Leo would have taken a picture of their solemn, thoughtful faces if it were allowed.

They moved on, Micah's guidebook in hand, and Micah stopped to take pictures of everything from famous buildings to shadows that particularly pleased him. He took a lot of pictures of Dune, as well, and Leo thought Dune looked like he belonged here, among the old gray stone buildings and orderly parks.

"My father's family is from here, you know," he told Dune. "Maybe not London itself, but our roots are in England pretty far back."

"French before that," Micah put in. "Bellamy is Anglicized French --
bel ami
, beautiful friend."

"Funny," Dune said, "I never thought of it as visiting my homeland but I guess it sort of is. And if we go to Stuart's vineyard it'd be even more so -- Mom's family is mostly French, I think." He smiled at Micah. "But I still feel like a homegrown Californian."

"As you should," said Leo.

They were walking through St. James Park -- Micah wanted to find where Speakers Corner would be the next day -- when Micah grabbed Leo's arm. "A film crew!" he cried, pointing. The path was blocked off several yards away, with vans, trucks and railings to hold back observers.

"It's London," Leo said. "I'm sure there are a dozen films being shot here every day."

"Can we go watch? Just for a little bit," Micah begged.

"Since when are you interested in filmmaking?"

Dune rolled his eyes. "He's more interested in filmmakers," he observed, but let Micah pull him along to the little cluster of the curious behind one of the fences. Leo trailed after -- compared to theater, what he knew about filming seemed incredibly boring. Saying the same lines and making the same gestures over and over, trying to get them the same yet do them differently each time -- compared to a fresh performance every night with a new audience, where the audience's energy fed and buoyed up your own. He knew which one he'd much rather have, if he'd followed this path.

Dune must have heard him sigh. He murmured, "Regrets?" as they watched the crew and stand-ins test the lighting.

"Never," Leo said and Dune hugged his arm.

"I feel guilty about that sometimes, you know."

"Don't," said Leo. "I wanted to be your father more than I wanted to be an actor. It worked out for the best."

"Still," said Dune, but didn't elaborate because the onlookers around them had started tugging on each other and making excited noises -- one of the trailers had opened its doors, and a familiar figure was descending the steps.

"Oh, my God," Micah said, "it's David. David!" he shouted and waved, and when Leo tried to hush him David Campbell had already noticed them and waved back with one of his famous grins.

"I'm sure he's busy, so don't expect much," Leo said as David loped across the grass to them, followed discreetly by film security.

"My two favorite Bellamys and a Ferguson," he said as he leaned over the fence to hug them all quickly. "I was hoping I'd see you before much longer. How do you like Old Smoky?"