Chosen Heart (60 page)

“He needs to live his own
life.  If not with me, he should be with someone who will make him happy. 
He deserves happiness, and you do not make him happy.  You make him
miserable, and now you’re making me miserable.  You have to promise not to
intervene anymore with any of his future decisions.”

“Elyssa…”

“Damn it, Arianna.  Promise
me!”  Making a deal with the devil incarnate never hurt so much.
 Sobs rumble through my chest and I can barely breathe.

“Fine…I promise,” she huffs,
patting her perfectly coiffed hair.

“I’ll do it before he goes to New
York and he’ll have a month.”  What she fails to see is that I’ll never
get over him.  I’ll love him forever.  Bringing Oliver around won’t
make me feel any different about him.  It will only make my misery resound
more, and unfortunately, anyone around will feel it.  I can’t, and won’t,
hide it.

“I’ll be watching you, so don’t
you dare think about deceiving me ever again!  You can’t say a word to
him.  I mean it, Elyssa.  Do you hear me?!  He knows what I’m
capable of.  Do you?”

“I need you to leave. 
Now!” 

Standing, Arianna grabs her
possessions and takes a step towards the door.  Before she retreats any
further, I grab her elbow, forcing her to look at me.  Her porcelain face
is highlighted by the rays of sun shining through the door and I’m blinded by
my forcefulness and anger.  “I need you to know going forward you are not
in my life.  The only reason I’m doing this is because I love him and I
refuse to let him throw away his life for me.  Do you understand?”

“In time you’ll realize I made
the choice you should have all along.  I made the same choice any mother
would for her daughter.”

“You are not my mother!  I
hate you!  I want nothing to do with you.  You are literally gutting
me.”

Arianna strides from my apartment
and doesn’t look back.  With all my strength I slam the door, letting my
frustration and anger ball into that one movement.  Slumping against the
door, I slide to the cold tile below, weeping uncontrollably. 

~~~~~

Lying in bed, depression has
officially set in. 

I’m trying to go through the
stages of grief before the actual death of my relationship, and fuck…it’s the
hardest, most miserable, thing I’ve gone through since my parent’s death. 
My chest heaved as the first stage of denial hit.  I laid here trying to
think of ways around this situation.  A way to deceive Arianna and still
be with Alex, but every scenario brings me back to the answer of
impossibility.  After denial came guilt.  I would feel guilty if he
chose me over the life he’s created for himself.  I would also feel guilty
ending things with him.  Alex will automatically think that I don’t want
to be with him because of his past and right now that’s farthest from the
truth. 

I’m hoping I can cushion the
blow, but haven’t figured out how.  I’ve been contemplating all day how to
end things with him.  It would be cowardly to break up over an email or a
text message, and if I tell him over the phone, he’ll just show up at my
house. 

I don’t know if I’m strong enough
to go through with this.  Someone, please help me. 

Startling me, my phone
rings.  Alex’s beautiful face jumps across my screen.  He’s such a
striking tragedy.  His troubled past and corrupted soul is an ugly
disguise for the compassionate and painfully perfect man he truly is; a man who
in my heart will always be mine.  

“Hello,” I answer, voice stricken
with grief.

“Did you get some rest?”

“Not really.  Hey listen, we
need to talk.”

“I’m parking right now. 
Open the door.” 
Fuck. My. Life.

I know that I have to do
this.  I know I have to go open the door and break both our hearts. 
So, why is it so freaking hard to stand up?  Why are my legs suddenly a
hundred pounds each? 
Oh, that’s right…because this isn’t right,
Ely.  You know it’s not right.  Deal with the consequences of
Arianna’s backlash.  Alex would do it for you.
  “Stop it!  I
have to do this. I have to do this for him.  For Nana.  Stop making
me feel even worse than I already do.” 

Picking myself up off bed, I
glance in the mirror and try to adjust my appearance.  I try to make
myself presentable, but at this point, everything is a failure.  Opening
the door, I see Alex rushing up the walkway, his cheerful face turning to
concern as his eyes reach mine.  No words, just an embrace.  Alex
clings to me and with this small action, the ever present tears start to form
as I try with all of my might to suppress the urge to cry.  All I can do
is hold him, if only for this moment, to remember how it feels to be in his
arms.  Tightening my embrace, I inhale his scent, the one that made me
fall for him in the elevator; citrus, musk and Alex. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Alex tries
to pull back, but is met with resistance.   Refusing to let go, I
cling to him.

“Don’t let me go,” I plead. 

“Elyssa, what’s wrong?” 
Alex lifts me, bringing both of us to the couch.  Releasing my grip I bow
my head, still unable to look him in the eyes.  If I look at him now,
he’ll know.  He’ll know everything. 
Stay strong, Ely!

“Alex, I’ve been thinking.” 
It’s now or never, and I have to do this…for him.  “Tomorrow you’re going
away for a month and I don’t know how much we’ll be able to see each
other.  Who knows if you’ll meet someone while you’re gone and…”

“Where the fuck is this coming
from?  You’re afraid I’ll meet someone?  Come on Elyssa, that’s
bullshit.”  Alex pushes back, putting distance between us.  This is
it. 

“I’m just saying, I don’t think
it would be wise to put ourselves in a situation where failure is
inevitable.  Our relationship is still new and now we’re going to be
apart.  After everything I found out about you, and you dealing with
everything in New York, maybe space is what we need.”

“You’re really doing this? 
You’re breaking up with me?” Alex’s enraged voice is shaking.

“I’m saying that maybe we need to
cool things down.  I think we got too serious too fast and…”

Standing up, he leaves me alone
and afraid on the couch.  If only he knew that I was literally breaking my
heart for his own good.  “Fuck this.  This is about Oliver isn’t
it?  You want to be free so you can…”

How dare he try to make me out to
be the type of woman who jumps from guy to guy.  “Now hold up!  I’ve
never given you any reason to doubt me.  This isn’t about Oliver. 
This is about us.”  Trying hard to not let the brimming tears out, I reach
for him. 

Alex bridges the gap between us,
taking my face into his hands.  “Elyssa, I know you.  You are
stronger than this.  There has to be something else.  Something
you’re not telling me.”

Fuck Arianna.  We do know
each other and he knows I’m not telling him the truth.  I don’t know what
to say.  I don’t know how to break his heart and still leave him
standing.  I got nothing. 

Trying to change the subject, I
awkwardly bring up Nana instead.  “I’m hoping while you’re gone… it’ll be
okay if I visit your grandmother from time to time.  I know it’ll be hard
on her not to see you.”

Resting his forehead against
mine, he succumbs to his feelings.  “Elyssa…don’t do this.  Don’t
give up on me.”

“Alex, please give me this
month.  Let me figure things out.  I’m trying to do what’s best for
you.”

“What’s best for me?  You
want what’s best for me!  This is what’s best for me.”  Resting his
hand over my heart, Alex quickly takes my mouth into his kissing me with such
passion that my loins tighten with each movement of his tongue.  Breaking
away, his breathing is ragged, “You are what’s best for me.  Don’t you
see?  You’ve saved me and made me want to be a better person, for you and
for me.”  Alex continues placing soft kisses against my jaw line until he
reaches my ear and sucks softly on my lobe.  “I love you.”  I tremble
at his closeness, trying to recover from his adoring words. 

I have to stop him.  Now,
before it’s too late.

“Alex please…don’t do this. 
You’re making it harder than it needs to be.”  Pushing against him I slump
against the couch; his breathing erratic from our moment of contact.

“Is this really what you want?
 You want time away from me?” 
No I don’t, please stop making this
so hard.  You’ll see, with time you will forget all about me.

“It’s what’s best for us.” 
It’s
what’s best for you.  For you and Nana.  Can’t you see, I’m doing this
because I love you.

“You’re not answering my fucking
question.  Fuck what’s best.  Tell me what you want!” Alex screams
out of frustration. 

He’s not going to stop and I
don’t have the strength to keep fighting him.  If he doesn’t leave now, I
will give in.

“I want you to leave.”  I
point to the door.  He needs to go to New York and move on.  Find
someone to make him happy.  Arianna agreed to let him go as long as I stay
away from him.  She won’t intervene with his life anymore. 
She
promised.

“Fuck this!” Alex throws his
hands in the air.  “Call me when you can actually tell me the truth and
stop hiding behind your ‘it’s what’s best for us’ bullshit.”  Walking out,
Alex slams the door behind him. 
My neighbors must love me.

~~~~~

Eyes swollen, I’m being consoled
by my only friend…a box of tissues that I’m hugging tightly.  After hours
of crying, wads of tissue are my only companions.  His face, the way he
looked at me, I never imagined I could hurt him so much. 
I’ve lost the
only man I’ve ever loved.  How is any of this fair? 

Staring at the television, the
pictures are nothing but a dull distraction from the ache that I feel
inside. 
Knock! Knock! Knock!  Who the hell is it now?  I
seriously don’t think my heart can handle any more.  Knock! Knock!
Knock! 

Opening the door, I see Alex
standing five feet away.  Confused by the distance, I glance down and see
that he’s left a wicker basket on my doorstep.  Tears now streaming down
my face, I bend down and take the basket in hand.  Ignoring its contents I
look up, wanting nothing more than to run into his arms, to kiss him and beg
him to stay.  Not fast enough, I’m left with the vision of him walking
away from me.  He left me standing alone, again, with only a gesture from
my heart. 

Placing the basket on the
counter, I close my eyes.  Can I do this?  He’s doing exactly what I
did to him.  Now I get to see how it feels to have someone completely beg
for mercy.  I have to do this.  I have no choice.  Finally
opening my eyes, I take a peek as a barrel of tears race down my face.  A
bottle of chocolate syrup and fresh strawberries brings a small smile to my
face.  I can’t help the sob that escapes my lips. 

An IPod and an envelope are all
that’s left.  Placing the headphones in my ears, I press play as I sit
down to read his letter.  Alex’s deep, grief stricken voice along with his
heartfelt words are now my companions:

My
Hart:

I’m
hoping to remind you of a better time.  A time when we were surrounded by
sandy beaches and all of the cares in the world dissolved; a time when a bottle
of chocolate and sweet strawberries were all we needed, besides each
other.  You once told me that you choose me; that you would choose me in
any scenario.  Well, here is our scenario.  I love you, with all of
my being.  I know I haven’t made the best choices in life, but my past
does not control me and I refuse to apologize for the decisions I made before I
knew you.  You’re scared and for some reason, you’re running away. 

If
time is what you need, you have it.  But, I need to know I still have a
chance.  That after this time away, there’s a possibility you can still
love me; that you do still love me.  Although it will pain me to be away
from you, I’ll give you what you ask for in good faith.  But, I refuse to
give up on us.  At the lowest point in my life, when I thought God was
punishing me, Angels showed their mercy and gave me you.  I can’t let a
gift from God go so easily.  You saved me.  You saved me from my
past, my present, and now you’ve shown me a future.  A future I want with
you, more than I want my next breath. 

Inside
the basket I recorded a few songs for you.  Listen to each one and
although I didn’t write them, these songs say exactly how I feel.  I’m
leaving them as a reminder for you, so every day you can hear my voice.
 Every day you can hear me tell you how I feel, in hopes you won’t let go
of what we have.  In hopes I still have something to come home to. 

My
flight leaves at midnight tomorrow.  I would like to see you before I
leave.  Meet me at Sin City Bar & Grill at 9:30 p.m.  I’ll be
waiting.

For
Always,

Your
Alex

Griping the letter to my chest,
soft sobs escape as tears fall naturally down my cheeks.  I know now how
he felt when I left my care package.  I still feel lost, but it’s
something more.  Something more concrete.  I feel his heartache and
his love. 
I love him.  I love him.  I love him.
  I
can’t deny my feelings, but what can I do?  There is no other option…I
have to let him go.