Chosen Heart (62 page)

“How can you say that? 
After everything we’ve been through.  Elyssa, I love you.  You love
me.  What happened to that?”  We’ve had so many trials and
tribulations throughout the past month, enough to last a lifetime.  And
through them all, we’ve remained in sync.  In love.  But love isn’t
enough.  Love won’t give his grandmother the care she needs and it definitely
won’t give him the career and lifestyle he deserves.  Although Arianna is
the devil in carnet, she also gave him opportunities in life; opportunities I
would never be able to provide him.  Opportunities he deserves. 

No, he has to believe what I’m
telling him is the truth.  I have to give him this much; if only for the
month.  But, he has to know that our relationship wasn’t all heartache and
sordid pasts.  He has to know how I feel about him.  He’s touched my
life in a way I never thought possible and for that I’ll bare my soul to him
one last time; at least to give him the reassurance that our time together was
the best time of my life.  Something he can hold onto until I figure all
this shit out.

With a sigh I begin, “Alex, I
love you.”  My words shock him, his eyes widen.  “I know I haven’t
told you for the past couple of days, but I do.  I always will.” 
Opening his mouth he begins to interrupt me, but I have to get this out before
I’m shattered.  Holding up my hand, I urge him to allow me to
continue.  “Being with you…I’ve had the most incredible experiences. 
I never imagined feeling for anyone the way I feel for you.  I used to
think love was a thing for fairytales, but you’ve given me more love in the
past few weeks than most people experience in a lifetime.  For that, you
will always have my heart.”

“Why does this feel like you are
saying goodbye?”

“Because you’re leaving.  So
much can happen in a month.”

“Elyssa…nothing has to
happen.  We can still be together.  I’ll call every day.  We can
visit each other on the weekends.  A month shouldn’t make you give up a
lifetime with me.” 

Unable to fight back the tears,
small droplets escape my eyes as I reach for a napkin.  Blotting away the
tears, I stumble on my words.  “Alex, I…” 

“Don’t…whatever you’re about to say,
just don’t.  I’m not giving up on us.  I choose you.  My mind is
made up.  If you don’t want me to go, just say it.  I’ll call Arianna
right now and tell her to send someone else.” 

I told Arianna he wouldn’t give
up.  I told her he’d fight for me. 

“That’s what I’m worried about,
Alex!”  My voice elevated.  “I can’t let you give up everything
you’ve worked so hard for.  You have other responsibilities besides me,
don’t you understand?”

“I know my
responsibilities.  I know I have to think of my grandmother, but I can do
something else.  We don’t have to end things.  Isn’t a month of
separation worth a lifetime with me”

“I’d never be able to live with
myself if you made a decision you’d end up regretting.  You’re making
careless mistakes and they’re all because of me.”  Trying to calm myself
down, I reach for the ring on my middle finger.  My one solace in all of
this is the memory of my parents.  I need to try and keep myself in check,
to make sure he knows we can’t happen.  At least not right now. 

“Alex, let’s just call this month
what it is…a break.  When you come back, we’ll figure out where we are.”

“Damn it, Elyssa!  I don’t
want a break.  I don’t want a day to go by that I don’t talk to you…that I
don’t get to see your smile…that I don’t get to love you.”

How do I tell him I’ll be here
when he gets back?  I’ll figure out a way, he just has to trust me. 
“Alex even if we’re on a break, I’m not going to be with anyone else.  Do
you really think I could go from having you, my perfect complicated man, to
settling for another?  I would rather spend a lifetime alone than to
pretend with someone else.  I need you to focus on what you have to do,
instead of worrying about us.” 
Let me worry about us
.

Alex looks bleak as he sits in defeat,
not knowing what else to say.  Both of us stare at our separately clasped
hands resting on the tarnished table, only inches apart.  I want nothing
more than to reach over and hold him, to assure him of my feelings, but I
can’t.  Instead, we stare.  Both depleted of any words, we are left
gazing into each other’s eyes.

Breaking our connection, I see
Alex rest his eyes on the luggage I hadn’t noticed before.  “I took a cab
here, hoping you would bring me to the airport or that you’d ask me to stay.”

With clenched teeth I lift my
head to the ceiling, unable to hold back the stream of tears.  I want him
to stay, more than anything.  I don’t want him getting on the plane, going
to New York, or leaving me here to struggle without him.  I want him to
stay.  My heart beats faster.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay
strong enough to get through this night. 

We both stand, and as Alex bends
down to grab his luggage, I reach out and caress his arm.  His flight
isn’t until midnight, and I need more time with him; time to prepare for his
absence.  Time to remember every detail of him, his arms, his body, his
mouth.  Time to remember how it felt to be loved by him, before I’m left
alone once again.

“I can’t ask you to stay, but I
don’t think I can say goodbye yet.” 

Setting his luggage in the trunk,
we both settle in our seats before I start the engine.  Staring out the
front window, I can’t hide my sadness.  Reaching over, I bring his hand to
rest on my heart, to feel his closeness.  Searching his eyes for forgiveness,
a single tear has escaped my heavy eyes.  I need him to know he still has
me.  I need him to know I’m not lost.  I need him.   

“I want to take you somewhere
before you leave.” 

~~~~~

After a twenty minute drive we
finally arrive at Alex’s place of solace.  Sitting in the silent car, the
pressure is too heavy.  I have to get out, to release some of the
heaviness that is in my heart.  Leaving him in the car, I walk towards the
never ending skyline of lights and darkness.  The wind has picked up and a
chill runs through me as I look out at the vast city.  The view from here
is daunting when you think of the millions of people sitting just out of your
reach.  Just like Alex.  Just out of my reach.  I can hear his
footsteps behind me, sending another chill down my body.  Wrapping my arms
around myself, I feel alone.

“You know this place will always
remind me of you.  Beautiful, limitless…”

“Deserted?”  Coming up from
behind, Alex wraps his arms around me.  His arms thaw the chill that was
spreading across my body.

Turning in his arms, I look up
the length of his body into his cheerless eyes.  “I’m not abandoning
you.  You’re the one leaving.” 

“You won’t ask me to stay.” 
He reaches down, caressing my cheek with the back of his fingers.  “I’m so
confused right now.  You said you want a break, but you don’t want to be
with anyone else.”

“Just get through this
month.  Focus on work and when you get back we’ll see what happens. 
Besides, you might meet some hot sophisticated blonde while you’re thousands of
miles away.”  I bow my head, unable to look him in the eyes.  The
last thing I want is for Alex to be with someone else, but the reality of the
situation is that Alex is extremely attractive.  He’s successful and
intelligent and any woman would be lucky to have him at her side.

“I wish you would stop saying
that.  I don’t want anyone else.  I only want you.”  Leaning
down, he grazes his lips along my neckline as his hand moves down my
body.  “I know you want me.  I can feel how your body reacts to my touch.” 
And on cue, my body trembles as his fingers reach the hem of my shirt, lifting
the edge so his hand can explore my bare skin.  “I know you love
me.”  Taking my mouth into his, he kisses me with such fervor that I can
feel my loins ache with need.  Resting his forehead against mine, he
tightens his embrace, “Elyssa, please…” 

Reaching up I wrap my arms around
his neck.  “I do want you.  I’ll always want you, Alex.” 

Looking me directly in the eyes I
can see his desire looming.  “I don’t give a fuck about the break you want
right now.  All I want is to be with you…inside you…loving you.” 
Once again his hand lightly feathers up the length of my body, caressing every
curve.  “I want to make love to you…right now.  I want my last memory
to be of us…together.”

I want the connection, too. 
Boy, do I want the connection.  It’s been days since we made love, and my
body craves him, it needs him.  Seeing the ambivalence in my eyes, Alex
lifts me, laying my body on top of the hood of my car.  Swiftly, he
blankets me, kissing, sucking, grinding.  His hands push up the hem of my
shirt moving my bra aside.  Revealing my bare breasts, my nipples harden
against the cold breeze.  His tongue laps against my quivering breasts
sending shocks of pleasure through my body.  He always knows where to
touch me.

“God Alex,” I pant, digging my
fingers in his back as his grinding becomes more forceful.

His hips come to a halt as he
looks me in the eyes.  “Promise me you’ll wait for me.”

“Alex...” I urge him to continue,
placing my hands on his ass, not wanting to speak.

“Promise me,” he whispers,
breathing ragged. 

“I promise, Alex. 
Please…”  I yearn for this, for his touch, for his need.  I can’t
imagine sharing myself with anyone else.  Why does this feel so right,
when I know it’s so wrong?  I shouldn’t be giving in to my want, but do I
have any other choice?  He’s here, and soon he’ll be gone.  I need
him to trust me, that what I’m doing is for him.  Maybe this is my only
way of showing him I’ll be here when he gets back.  I have to give him
something. 

Looking into my eyes, he
continues his movement.  “I love you.  All I’ve ever wanted was
you.” 

“I love you.” 

Damn it.  Damn it. 
Damn it. 
Our
moment is interrupted as the light of an approaching car breaks our connection,
revealing the tears streaming down my face. 
This is too much. 
Knowing
we’ve been caught, we straighten up and slide down the hood of my car.  As
much as I want more, I am slightly thankful we were interrupted.  This is
just too much for not only one, but two hearts to bear.

Letting the car pass, Alex
approaches and lifts my chin with his forefinger, searching my face for
answers.  I don’t want him to go.  I want him to stay with me, figure
things out, fight.  But, what I want and what needs to be done are two
different paths.  And unfortunately, I’ve already made the decision on
which path we will take.  The results, of which, I’ll have to live with
for the rest of my life.  My decision to keep him safe. 

“We should go,” my voice is
solemn as I frown up at my heart.

“We’ll figure this out,
Hart.” 

His relentless kissing has made
my knees weak.  Again, I don’t know if I am strong enough to get through
this night.  Both of us take a deep breath, leaning our heads against each
other, not knowing what we’re doing.  Knowing we have to get out of here,
he takes my hand and opens the door for me.  I start the engine as Alex
walks around the car to get into the passenger side.  My own perfect
tragedy; so amazing with everything he does.  Positioning himself in the
passenger seat, Alex smiles at me.  The first panty dropping smile I’ve
seen in days. 

“Ready to go?”  He
reluctantly nods, holding my hand as we drive away.

~~~~~

“You have everything you need?” I
blink, trying to stop the threatening tears.

“Almost.”  Alex looks at me,
trying to open me up with his stare.  “Only thing I’m missing is knowing
we will be okay.” 

Can I give him the assurance he
needs?  Do I even have a choice?  If it will get him through the next
month, if that’s what he needs, I’ll give him as much as I can.

“Alex I told you, I’m not going
to be with anyone else.  I want you to focus on getting what you need
done.  I want you to be free to do whatever you want…even if that means
meeting someone out there.”  The thought of him touching anyone else
causes my body to tense with anger. 
Grrrr…

“You keep saying that.  Is
that what this is about?  You’re worried I’ll meet someone else?”

“I’m just saying if you do,
you’re not tied down.  I want you to be able to go out and have fun,
without the thought of hurting me.”  Maybe this time away will help dull
his pain.  Give him some time for closure.  For me it won’t, but I
can only worry about him.  Even though I’ll be here and everything I do
will remind me of him, I only have enough strength to worry about one of us
right now.  And I chose him.  I’ll always choose him.

“I told you, I made my choice,
and that choice is you.  If you need this month to get your head wrapped
about my past, then I understand and I don’t blame you.  But it isn’t
going to change how I feel about you.  I want you…forever.”

Reaching up, I wrap my arms
around his neck and bring his mouth to mine.  Sucking on his bottom lip, I
tighten my grip.  Alex lifts me and places my legs around his waist. 
Suddenly déjà vu sets in and a feeling of terror comes over me.