Cinderella's Christmas Affair (12 page)

“You can’t ignore me until I go away.”

“Why not?” she asked. She’d turned back to the mirror and painted her bottom lip with a deep red hue. Only the fine trembling of her hand showed him there was a chink in her protective covering.

“Because we have unfinished business, Catherine Jane Terrence. It started that first day you moved in next door and fell off your bike. Remember that?”

“Yes,” she said.

“I gave you my Band-Aid and told you I’d always be there for you.”

She looked away from him. “But you weren’t.”

He crossed the room to her, put his hands on her shoulders and met her gaze in the mirror. She put the lipstick pencil down.

“I am now. Or at least I’m trying now. You have to meet me halfway.”

“I know. You’re right. I haven’t let you close to me.”

“Why not?”

She fiddled with the makeup brushes on her vanity. “I don’t know.”

He turned her to face him. She looked too sleek, too sophisticated for the woman he’d come to know. And yet he realized this side of her personality was as true as the stirring lover he’d held in his arms last night. “Don’t know or don’t want to tell?”

She squared her shoulders. “Don’t want to tell.”

“You can trust me.” He opened his arms, inviting her into his embrace.

She turned away and paced a few feet from him. “No. I can’t.”

Tad couldn’t play this game anymore. He wanted her. He was willing to try to work through the problems between them but he was a man. He needed to know what was wrong so he could fix it. And this guessing game wasn’t doing anything but frustrating him. “This is getting us nowhere. I thought you said you’d meet me halfway.”

“I’m trying.”

“And I’m leaving. When you’re ready to be reasonable, call me.”

He donned his clothes quickly and CJ stood quietly, watching him.

He walked out of her bedroom and was aware of her following him down the hall. Her pants and shoes were on the tiled floor of the foyer. Her panties lay next to the couch. He remembered the shattering intimacy he’d felt when they’d mated and he didn’t want to leave.

He wanted to take whatever she’d give him. But he wasn’t some wimpy guy who’d hang around until she was ready to give him whatever crumbs of affection she was willing to throw his way. He couldn’t deny her allure. He knew if he had the opportunity he’d sleep with her again. He also knew that wasn’t the solution.

“Tad, don’t go.”

Instead of looking at her, he stared out the window. A light snow fell and the sky was cloudy and gray. Perfect weather for snuggling by a fireplace except the woman he’d chosen to get involved with wasn’t interested in cuddling. “Give me something that will make me stay.”

“I’m afraid,” she said. Her words were faint, he went to her but didn’t touch her. He knew himself. She’d said the words that conjured up all his latent protective instincts. The ones that made him want to slay dragons for her.

“Afraid of me?”

She shook her head. “Never of you.”

“Who then?”

She twisted her fingers together and bit her lower lip. “Myself I think.”

She stood in her living room. The Christmas tree behind her, homey pictures on the walls and instead of looking at ease in her sanctuary she looked frightened.

“I don’t understand.”

“You know how I said you don’t know the real me? I don’t either. I’ve been reinventing myself for so long that I’m not sure who I am.”

“And that scares you.”

“Partly. The other part that scares me is that you make me want to forget all about who I’ve always wanted to be and make myself into what you want in a woman.”

“My wants are simple, Cathy Jane.”

“They are?”

“Yes, I want you to marry me.”

She shook her head. “No man has ever stayed.”

He was humbled by her words. This woman was eons too soft for the world she lived in. This woman was waiting to see what he’d say, expecting him to brush her concerns aside and walk out the door. This woman he realized had been hurt in the past and badly. Don’t let me screw this up and wound her, just when she’s coming to mean so much to me.

“Which men?” Tad asked.

CJ was sorry she’d opened her mouth. She wished she could go back in time and wake up again. She’d make love to Tad and then when he was in a weakened state, then she’d get out of bed and make him breakfast. Plying him with lots of food and sex until he was unable to think or ask her questions she didn’t want to answer.

He held her with patience and she had the feeling he’d stand there all day until he got the answers he craved.

“Why don’t we sit down?” she asked.

“Okay.”

CJ awkwardly moved out of his embrace. He was so strong and comforting, she was tempted to stay there in his arms, hiding from herself and the past. But she couldn’t. She had made a history of running when things went to hell, and she knew this time would be no different.

He was being too solicitous. It made her feel unreasonable and silly. She knew that wasn’t his intent but it didn’t change the way she felt. Glancing around the room, which still bore signs of last night’s seduction, she shivered a little. They couldn’t talk with her clothes everywhere.

Why couldn’t there be some sort of magic that made embarrassing details like her panties disappear?

“Let me clean this up,” she said.

“I’ll help,” he said.

“No.”

CJ picked her clothes up off the living room and foyer floors. His stomach had growled twice.

“Want to go grab some breakfast?”

“I can cook something for us. We can talk while we work.” She wasn’t ready to face anyone else. And she was ready to trust Tad. To tell him a little of her past relationships with men, starting with her dad who’d left them long before the Terrence women had moved to Auburndale. Left them for a teenaged Lolita and made it very clear that the last thing he’d wanted to be saddled with was a wife and two daughters.

Marcus had left her for another woman as well, but he’d done it in a much quieter way, suggesting she leave the ad agency where they’d both worked to avoid embarrassment. Now Tad was tempting her to risk a little of her heart and see if he’d reciprocate.

“Let’s eat first.”

In the kitchen she boiled water and put the grounds into her French press. The silence was deafening, probably because she knew that she needed to talk to him about her past. About Marcus and her dad and how she’d never really trusted any man when he said he’d stay. And they never had, proving her right.

She flipped through the CD wallet on the counter and selected one by Ella Fitzgerald. Soon the sultry jazzy sounds filled the air. She turned nervously to find Tad staring at her.

“I guess you want to talk.”

His stomach growled.

“Or not. Hungry?”

“Yeah. I wake up that way. Where do you keep your frying pan?”

She pointed to the cabinet. “What are you going to do with it?”

“Make breakfast,” he said. He retrieved the pan and then opened her fridge.

“You can cook?”

“Don’t sound so incredulous. I’m a bachelor. I don’t like eating takeout for every meal.”

“Sorry. What are you going to make?” she asked. He seemed so offended she wondered if he’d had some chef training.

“Fried eggs and bacon. You can handle the toast.”

She rolled her eyes. She couldn’t believe she’d let him make her feel guilty when all he could cook was a camping breakfast. “I don’t know that you can call that cooking.”

“Don’t get sassy, Cathy Jane, or I won’t let you have any.”

“My heart might thank you.”

He threw his head back and laughed. CJ smiled to herself as she squeezed oranges for juice and made toast. The lingering tension in her stomach disappeared as they worked.

Tad served them eggs and they sat at the counter in her tiny kitchen eating quietly when Ella sang about love and heartache. Thoroughly mirroring the sentiment in CJ’s heart. She wondered if she should have left the CD player off. This wasn’t really helping.

“Not bad,” she said. The eggs were perfect and the bacon nice and crisp.

“For a guy, right?”

“Well…”

“That’s what I thought.”

“You can’t take a compliment.”

“Were you giving me one?”

“Yes. I was.”

They finished their breakfast in silence. Then CJ cleared the table and stared at Tad where he sat watching her. She knew he was ready to talk. That she’d delayed things as long as she could. She poured them both one more cup of coffee and led the way out into the living room.

Settling down in front of the fireplace, she waited for Tad. He sank down next to her on the loveseat. His hipbone, rubbing against hers.

He settled his arm behind her on the back of the couch and then turned toward her. “Where were we?”

“I’m not sure. You wanted to hear about my past.”

“I’m not asking you to tell me any big secrets, CJ.”

“I know. But I’ve kind of built it into a big confession.”

“It doesn’t have to be. I’m sorry that you think I don’t know you at all. I am trying but you don’t make it easy.”

“It’s hard for me to let anyone close to me.”

“Why is that?”

She shrugged. “I guess it’s all tied up with my self-image. I’ve never really been the right size or look.”

“I can understand you feeling that way in high school but you shouldn’t now.”

“Sometimes I still do.”

“Is that what this is all about—looks? I’m not that shallow.”

“I know. It’s just when you say things like you want to marry me. You bring all those doubts back. Because I know that I can’t be the perfect woman for you.”

“Why not?”

“There’s something inside me that makes men leave.”

“I’m not leaving,” he said. “I’m planning to marry you.”

“So you keep saying,” she said.

“I think you made a good point about us not knowing each other.”

“I did.”

“Let’s just date for a while, sound good.”

“Sleepover dates?” she asked.

“Definitely.”

CJ felt the first ray of hope that she and Tad were really going to have a relationship. He was willing to stay with her. He wanted to get to know the real her. He made her realize that life outside of the advertising world could be good, too.

They spent the afternoon on Michigan Avenue, browsing through shops. He wanted to go into Tiffany’s but CJ refused teasingly. And he’d relented about going into the store. But deep inside he wondered if they were both playing a game of pretend.

After purchasing a vase from Crate and Barrel, they strolled toward State Street. Carson’s and Field’s had their Christmas window displays up. They dined in the Walnut Room in Marshall Fields. A light snow began to fall as they walked back to CJ’s place.

The day would have been relaxing for Tad except that he couldn’t get the image of CJ as she’d been this morning out of his head. This woman had been hurt badly and he knew he owed it to her to make sure he didn’t add to the pain she’d experienced.

But at the same time he was worried about protecting himself. CJ had been dancing just out of his reach since he’d found her again. But he was confident that he could get her to agree to marriage.

His parents were coming up the day after Christmas and his plan was to present CJ as his future wife to them. But suddenly ten days didn’t seem long enough. He wondered if ten years would be. Though she hadn’t said it, CJ needed something from him that he hadn’t yet been able to figure out.

“Penny for your thoughts?” she asked. He held her hand loosely in his and as they walked he shortened his pace to hers. She wore a long camel-colored wool coat, a cream-colored muffler and a pair of black leather gloves.

She fit perfectly in the city and watching her now, he wondered how she’d ever survived those tumultuous adolescent years in Auburndale. She wasn’t a small-town girl. And he’d been a small-town boy who’d never really stopped to notice how that small town could make a person feel. “Just thinking about my folks.”

“Are they coming up for the holidays?” she asked, tipping her head back to watch the snow. CJ seemed lighter tonight. Easier to know. And he realized that she’d been more than a little bit accurate about the fact that he’d never really tried to get to know her.

“Yes. Mom grew up in New England and loves a white Christmas.”

“Me too. I used to wish for snow every Christmas growing up.”

“Every Florida kid does,” he said, but there was more to her words than just a child’s wishful thinking. There was incredible longing right alongside the knowledge that fairy tales didn’t come true in CJ’s voice.

“What did you wish for?” she asked.

“The typical things, bikes, cars, video games. You?” He was an only child and though his parents had instilled him with a strong work ethic, they’d also spoiled him on holidays.

“I’m not very materialistic,” she said in a tone he was coming to realize meant that she was hiding something.

“You aren’t going to tell me?” he asked. Stopping, he pulled them out of the flow of the foot traffic. Under a streetlamp, he pulled her into his arms and tilted her face up towards his.

She looked at him, her heart in her eyes, and he wanted to tell her not to trust him that deeply. He didn’t feel worthy of that kind of emotion. “I used to wish that my dad would be there on Christmas morning.”

“He never was,” Tad said. He’d never met CJ’s dad. Her mom, Marnie and she had moved in one summer. They’d pulled up in a battered station wagon towing a U-Haul and the three of them had moved everything in. Mrs. Terrence had never had any boyfriends and had worked all the time.

When he and CJ were twelve they’d been friends. That entire summer it didn’t matter that she was a girl and therefore the enemy. Finally he had someone his own age to play with and they’d spent the long days exploring the orange groves and playing pretend games.

“No. He’d left long before and he wasn’t ever coming back. But we didn’t talk about that.” She pulled out of his arms and hugged herself.

“Why not?” he asked. He wanted to pull her back into his arms but he respected that she needed some space.

“Because it was just easier to pretend he was away for business.”