Cinderella's Christmas Affair (15 page)

“I love you, Cathy Jane. I’ve never said those words to another woman.” He watched her steadily. She felt the force of his will surrounding her. She wanted to reach out and take. Reach out and touch him. To go back to a few minutes earlier before she’d sat on that damned ring box, but she couldn’t.

“That’s not enough for you, is it?”

“Please don’t do this. Can’t we go on as we have?” she asked.

“Damn you, CJ, no we can’t. You’re not the only one who’s been hurt. Look at Pierce, his wife almost destroyed him when she left but he’s happy now with Tawny.”

“I don’t care about Tawny and Pierce. I mean I’m glad they’re happy but how can you understand what I’m going through when you’ve never been hurt,” she said.

“The hell I haven’t. I was engaged before this. Kylie decided she wanted a man who could give her the money she needed to be happy while not working long hours. She left me, Cathy Jane. Don’t tell me about being hurt.”

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“My mind says don’t confess your emotions to this woman but my heart knows not saying the words won’t make the hurt lessen.”

Tears burned the back of her eyes and a trembling started deep inside her. She was so cold. So damned cold. She wrapped her arms around her body trying to hold herself together but it wasn’t working. She was splintering and shattering apart and nothing, no one—not even Tad—could make this right. “I can’t stay.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m afraid.”

“We’ve been over this before. I won’t hurt you.”

She didn’t know how to explain to him that she knew he wouldn’t intentionally hurt her. But he would all the same. She was an expert at playing the odds when it came to relationships. About understanding how much she could take before fate stepped in and shut her down. He didn’t know that for her living with him would be the beginning of the countdown clock.

“Yes, you will. No man has ever stayed once he lived with me. I’m not like other women.”

“How many men?”

“Just my dad. And of course there was Marcus.”

“Who’s Marcus?”

“He was my boss and my fiancé. He left me for a woman more suitable to be the boss’s wife.”

“I’m not like other men,” he said.

No he was like the other half of her soul. And losing him was the one thing she wouldn’t risk. “I know.”

Tad cursed under his breath. The strength of his words and the anger behind them made her heart break. She glanced around the room. Saw the candles burning in the dining room. Heard the soft romantic music playing on the CD. That he should have gone to so much trouble to prepare this evening for her… “Tad, it’s not that I don’t care.”

“Then what is it, CJ? Because you told me Butch wants you married. I offered you a business arrangement and that wasn’t what you wanted. I’ve offered you love and still that’s not good enough. Is it me? Is this some sort of payback for the insensitive boy I was?”

“No. Never. I love you, Tad, in a way I thought never to love another man. But I can’t marry you.”

“Why not?” he asked again, frustration in every line of his body.

“Because fate won’t let me have it all when it comes to men.”

“What men?”

“My dad. Marcus. You. Every man I’ve ever cared for has left me.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe you drove them away with your attitude,” he said, then pivoted on his heel and crossed the room to the bar.

“I need a drink.”

CJ couldn’t move. Perhaps he was right and her attitude was responsible for this entire mess. From the time Tad had walked back into her life, she been searching for a way to escape from him. Be it through her contacts and hair color, or her career. Whatever the reason she needed more time than he’d given her. More time than Butch had allotted her and more time than her weary heart had been given. “Maybe you’re right and I drove them away.”

Tad opened a bottle of Dewar’s and poured it into a shot glass. He knocked back two shots before he even glanced her way. “Screw it. I don’t care if you love me or not. Marry me.”

“Why?” she asked. Why would he still want to marry her unless everything he’d said had been a joke? Oh, God, don’t let him be fooling me once again into believing he’s better than he has to be.

He poured himself another shot but this time only sipped it. “I told my parents they’d be meeting my future wife tomorrow.”

“How could you do that? I told you how I felt.”

“Obviously, I thought I knew how to change your mind,” he said, throwing back another shot. He lifted the bottle again and she knew she had to do something. She couldn’t stand by and let him drink anymore.

She couldn’t stand to see him like this. This was her handiwork. No matter her intentions of protecting them both from heartache. She’d driven Tad to a bottle of Dewar’s. The strong man whose only mistake was loving her. She crossed the room and tried to hug him but he shrugged her off.

“Tad, don’t do this. I told you I only wanted an affair,” she said. She’d known her track record. Understood herself better than Tad ever could. Her fears stemmed from a childhood spent moving from place to place following the trail of a man who didn’t want to be found. Love and approval always seemed just out of her reach. She and Marnie had done their best for each other, but the sisters had known that nothing lasted forever and love was very fragile.

“I should have listened to you,” he said with a mocking smile that cut her.

She needed to get out of here. Now. “Yes, you should have.”

He threw back another shot.

“Drinking’s not going to help.”

“It might.”

“Please, stop. I can’t stand to see you this way.”

He shrugged his massive shoulders. She knew he could take on many burdens but she’d never been willing to share hers. Even with this man.

“Apparently that’s a common feeling for you,” he said.

“It isn’t.” But there he was clearly not listening to her anymore.

“Perhaps, you should go,” he said, walking to the dining area and blowing out the candles. He turned off the music with a discreet flick of his wrist.

“Yes, I should.”

She had no idea how to make this right but knew staying with Tad wasn’t the solution. There was too much in life that wasn’t certain. Too many things she couldn’t control and the only way she could protect them both was to stop this now.

She walked back across the room, and picked up her purse, which had fallen to the floor. She owed him something, some sort of explanation. “There’s something broken inside me, Tad. It’s been that way for a long time.”

He looked at her with his wizard green eyes sober. “It’s going to stay that way until you trust someone—until you trust me.”

She wrapped her arms around her waist. Trying to keep it together until she could get back to her place. Until she reached her sanctuary so she could finally let go of all the hurt and dreams she’d secretly been building in her soul. “I don’t know that I ever can.”

“Because you’ve been disappointed before? Hell, we all have. Pierce’s wife left him when he lost the use of his legs. Does that seem fair to you, CJ?”

“No, it doesn’t. But you aren’t Pierce and you aren’t me. I’ve lived my life knowing I wasn’t good enough for my father. Knowing that I wasn’t woman enough to keep my fiancé. Knowing that sooner or later you’d ask me for something I couldn’t give you. And I’m afraid I won’t do it again.”

“I can make you marry me,” he said at last. They stood only a few inches apart but she’d put a rift bigger than Lake Michigan between them.

“How?” She had the feeling his words were motivated by ego and a thirst for revenge.

“I could talk to Butch and make marrying me a stipulation of your promotion,” he said, a cruel sneer on his lips.

Her stomach knotted. She read the sincerity in him and knew that if he wanted to punish her for rejecting his proposal then he could do it. This wasn’t her childhood friend who’d bandaged her scraped knee. This was the boy who’d cruelly told his popular friends that she’d paid him to talk to her. And this Tad was one she hardly knew.

“You wouldn’t, would you?”

“That you even have to ask tells me everything I needed to know.” He bent down to pull on his shoes and then stood and went to the coat closet. “I’ve dismissed the car for the evening. So I’ll give you a ride home.”

“I can take a cab.”

“No you can’t.”

He took her coat and held it out to her. The bouquet of roses he’d sent in the car for her lay scattered on the floor. The Tiffany’s box nestled in the middle of the petals. She felt like crying when she saw it. She shivered a little.

She crossed to him and slid her arms in her coat, but still she was chilled. She followed Tad out the door and down the hall. Each step she took was heavy and her heart beat slowly. He drove her to her condo and saw her to her door in a frosty silence that seemed too loud.

“This is it, then,” he said. “I’m not coming back again.”

“It doesn’t have to be this way.”

“How can it be, CJ?”

“We could still have an affair.”

“No, we couldn’t. I require trust from my lovers and you’ve proven the only person you trust is yourself. Enjoy your lonely life,” he said and walked away. She watched until he disappeared around the corner and then sank to the floor and buried her head against her knees. She’d never felt more isolated from the world than she had at that moment.

Twelve

CJ
woke Christmas morning feeling more alone than ever. She’d slept fitfully the previous night, plagued by dreams of Tad. Only the knowledge that Rae-Anne was coming over for brunch motivated her to get out of bed.

She entered her kitchen and made coffee first. Opening the refrigerator was a mistake. She’d purchased extra food anticipating the days that Tad would stay with her. For a minute she wanted to say the hell with her fears and go back to his place and beg him to forgive her. But she knew that she’d sabotage their relationship because in her heart she didn’t believe it would last.

She didn’t want to cook. Instead she climbed up on the counter and pulled out that box of HoHos. There was only one cure for what ailed her. And that was the sugar-induced euphoria that chocolate cream-filled cakes could bring.

She took them to the living room and sat in front of her Christmas tree with the box. She opened the first cake and took a huge bite. But the cake didn’t taste right in her mouth. She opened another package and tried that one. Again something wasn’t right with the cake.

She threw the box on the coffee table disgusted with herself. Even her old comfort had been taken. She wanted to cry.

The doorbell rang. She was still in her pajamas. Her hair wasn’t combed and she had coffee breath. Oh, God. Rae-Anne was here.

CJ had invited her secretary when she realized Rae-Anne had no family. As she had thought of her aging lonely secretary, CJ realized that could be the life she’d chosen for herself. Maybe she should get a cat.

“Just a minute,” she called out.

She grabbed the HoHos and ran for the kitchen. She’d make omelettes or something. She grabbed a hair scrunchy from the basket in the kitchen and twisted her hair into a ponytail. Her flannel pjs weren’t really company appropriate but she didn’t want to leave Rae-Anne standing in the hall. She opened the door and tried to smile.

Rae-Anne took in her appearance. “What the hell happened to you?”

“Merry Christmas, to you too.”

“Buon Natale.
Is Tad here? Should I have stayed home?”

“No, come in. I’m all alone.” The word echoed in her mind.

Rae-Anne placed a present on the hall table and CJ hung her coat up. “Let me run down the hall and change. Make yourself at home. There’s coffee in the kitchen.”

CJ hurriedly dressed in a pair of black leggings and a long black tunic sweater. She brushed out her hair and twisted it up in a knot. She put in her contacts and applied makeup and when she entered the living room and saw the tree she’d decorated with Tad, she paused for a moment, registering the pain deep inside of her and moved on.

Why couldn’t Tad have been content with what they had?

Rae-Anne had made a breakfast of scones, clotted cream and fresh fruit. “Did you bring this food with you?”

“Uh…yeah. Where’s Tad this morning?”

“At his home I imagine.”

“You don’t know?”

“Uh, things kind of didn’t work out.”

“What? Why not?”

“We just…I’m not…oh, hell. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Did he treat you poorly?”

CJ was swamped with memories of how well Tad had treated her. In bed he was her dream lover. Out of bed he was a surprising mix of macho determination and romantic notions. She’d never forget their dinner at Gejas or walking along State Street and looking at the Christmas windows.

But more than memories lingered. He’d made her feel special and accepted her for who she was. As if he didn’t expect anymore or less from her than she was willing to give.

“No.”

“Did you have a fight?”

“Yeah, a real doozy. Listen, it just wasn’t meant to be. I learned that lesson a long time ago and there’s nothing left to say on the matter.”

“Why not?”

“I’m just not what Tad needs.”

“He told you that?”

“No. He didn’t have to. I don’t want to talk about him anymore.” It was hard enough dealing with all her doubts, fears and recriminations. She didn’t want to discuss it with her secretary.

Rae-Anne took a sip of her coffee and then she stood up. “Will Tad take you back?”

“What? Are you listening to me, Rae-Anne? I’m not talking about this anymore.”

“
Madon’,
that’s what I was afraid of.”

“Why do you care?”

Rae-Anne stood up and walked to stand in front of her. “I’m a matchmaker sent from Heaven.”

“Give me a break.”

“I’m trying to.”

“I don’t believe this. Have you been drinking?”

“No and neither have you,” Rae-Anne said. She took CJ’s hand, pulling her to her feet. “Come with me.”

“Where are we going?”

“To your future.” Rae-Anne snapped her fingers and the walls around them shifted. CJ knew she was having some kind of freaky nightmare as they flew through time.