Cole (The Leaves) (10 page)

I had the desire to get totally and completely hammered. All I wanted to do was get really drunk and fuck my woman. Hard. I think it was the anger toward the people that damaged her, but I wasn’t an idiot. If those things hadn’t happened to her, to me… maybe we wouldn’t fit together like we do. She’d begged me to give her a good, hard fuck not that long ago and I didn’t do it. Instead, I made love to her. I gave her every tender emotion I could. I wanted to be the one constant, loving, person she could depend on. I didn’t want to show her anything that resembled the emotion of hate or anger. I didn’t get it. Now I fuckin’ get it.

I needed to purge this from my system without scaring the hell out of Anika. We walked hand in hand on our way back to the car, but I hadn’t realized I was pretty much dragging her behind me when she suddenly stopped. My heart was pounding in my chest.

“Cole, where’s the fire!” She angrily demanded, yanking her hand from mine. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “What is it? Talk to me!” She was pleading with me, so I must not be very good at hiding my emotions whatsoever.

“Come on. Let’s go home.” I tried to calm my breathing and reached my hand to hers, but she wouldn’t take it.

“No, what’s going on with you? I mean it. I’m not moving another inch until you talk to me.” We were actually making a scene, so I gently pushed her to lean us against the window of a café.

I looked side to side, put my head back with a small thud, and ran my hands through my hair. “Do you remember when you asked me to give you a good hard fuck?”

“What?”

“I said, do you remember…”

“No, I heard you. You just caught me off guard. Yes, I remember. What about it? I seem to recall that night being quite the opposite.”

“I want to tell you something about me. About my past. It’s not a big deal, well, I hope it isn’t, but I don’t want to upset you either.”

“Whatever it is, I’ll deal. But this…” she motioned her hand between us “isn’t good. So whatever it is, tell me so we can deal and move on.”

Deep breath. “So after my little, ah, brush with death… I was pissed. I was pissed that I failed. I was pissed that my father saved me. I was just pissed off in general. I wasn’t lying to you when I said I drank and surfed all the time, but I also went out with Olaf and the boys, found random women, brought them back to the apartment and fucked them. I’d tell them from the beginning that’s all it was, a good hard fuck. I didn’t need to know their names. I didn’t want to know their names, so it was their choice. When you asked me to do the same thing to you, I didn’t want to use you like that. It felt wrong. I love you more than anything or anyone I’ve ever loved or ever will. But I get it now. I’m so fucking pissed off that we’re always gonna be haunted by our pasts. But right now, all I want to do is take you back to the house, watch you paint, drink tequila and fuck you hard.”

As I was telling her all this, my heart started beating faster again. I didn’t know how she was going to react, but was surprised when she pulled me to her mouth and kissed me roughly. She pushed away just as aggressively and said, “Take me home Cole. Now.”

***

After I’d confessed my intentions to Anika, we didn’t talk anymore. We’d do that tomorrow after we both processed everything. She silently went upstairs. I wondered what her painting music would be this time. We were both in such a strange space mentally, but when she painted, she was in the driver’s seat.

I went to the bar and took out the tequila and two rocks glasses for later. I opened a Corona, set it down, and looked around the open living and dining room. Amazing that in such a short time, Anika had made memories for me here. Almost all of them good. I pulled my sweatshirt and t-shirt off and pushed off my shoes without undoing the laces. I went upstairs and put on my faded Levi’s knowing she had a thing for them and went back out to the deck. The light from the house was the only illumination while I made my way down to the beach. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I stripped. The water was cold, but I would take any amount of ball shriveling chill right now. I was alive. I had my life and I had love. I had everything. The ocean was calm, so I went out just far enough so I could see her, standing in her studio wearing the clothes she always wore when she painted. She insisted on keeping the clothes Joe took her in. She wouldn’t let me wash them either. I can’t tell what’s paint and what’s blood, but it’s all her.

I don’t know how long I was in the water, but I didn’t feel cold at all. I floated there, watching her paint, so fucking sexy. At least I had managed to relax a bit. Making my way back to the house, I had a shower and decided I’d forgo clothing altogether. What was the point? I took the bottle of Reposado, (because if you’re going to sip tequila, make it good tequila) two glasses, and went upstairs. I walked in and was hit with Rage Against the Machine. She’d lit the two huge hurricane lamps and I watched her, painting in candle light. When I was in the water, she had the down lights on. She was almost finished, I could tell from the painting, but she did something she’d never done before, she was also naked. Her hair was wild and damp from sweat and the only thing she wore was her engagement ring. She stepped back, reached for the glass I’d put on her small table only moments before, and took a sip. The brush was swished around and laid on a towel with the others. 

She set the glass down on the floor, dropped to her knees with her back to me, and let out giant, heaving sobs. I quickly went behind and held her, wrapping myself around her bare body.

“Shh, I’ve got you.” I turned her to straddle my lap, holding her, letting my lips softly graze her ear.

“Make it go away, Cole. Please. Help me get the hate out.” She cried. I’d never seen her like this. I’d seen her cry, I’ve seen her face stained with tears, but never like this. This was a deep pain she hadn’t touched, at least not with me. With one pull I had her on the bed, on her back with one hand behind her neck, the other hooked behind her knee, as I thrust deep inside her and ground her into the mattress, filling her, fucking her. It was animalistic and rough but it was the opposite of hate. I couldn’t get enough of her and she never needed coaxing or any kind of foreplay, she was always ready for me. Always. Her beauty, her pussy, she was like no other woman I’d ever known.

“Yes, baby!” She cried. “More!”

“Ride me.” I demanded and flipped her on top of me. I watched her take me, riding me so hard I knew my dick would be sore tomorrow. My hands were tight around her waist, squeezing the flesh at the base of her ribs, “No baby. Not that. Don’t pinch my skin there.” But she didn’t stop and I moved my grip to her hips, guiding her movement while she pushed up and sank deeper.

“I have to kiss you, Anika.” Her tongue met mine in a furious desperate tangle. Her hands fisted in my hair, mine fisted in hers. I flipped her again and slowed down, never stopping, hard and deep.

“Fuck me Cole, faster. Ah…” she gasped.

“Come for me.” I growled. “Tell me how you like me to fuck you, Anika?”

“I love it, baby. I love you.” She cried. When she came, along with her release was a scream, so primal and raw, I thought I’d hurt her. I panicked and watched her, halting my movements, “Don’t… stop…!” She was crying and begging me to continue. “I love you Cole. I love you. Give me this. Give me your pain.”

I came and I came hard but with that, something I didn’t expect also happened. We held each other like we’d just been rescued from a terrifying experience. It took me a minute to realize we had.

“Cole?”

“Yes.” I brushed her wet hair from her face, kissing her softly.

“Don’t ever leave me.”

“That would kill me. My life isn’t a life without you in it.”

“Thank you, baby. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They were just words, words so easily said without any real meaning, but in this case, in our room, in our bed, these three words held more substance and truth, the weight of them made my heart heavy in my chest… its absence I prayed I’d never know.

Anika

A week later, on Halloween, I had my first appointment with Dr. Margot Fielding. Cole arranged a double session just in case I wanted it. I could leave after five minutes, if I didn’t feel comfortable with her, or I could be there for two hours. Sometimes not having to worry about money was nice. I could never have afforded this before. I also wasn’t ready then. But now, not only did I have the support I needed to cope; I was ready to face my past.

I knew I was getting to the point where I couldn’t ignore things like I used to. The days of hiding were gone the minute I opened my heart to Cole. But now, I was actually checking out and that was something new.

Tricia asked if she could take me out after the appointment for lunch. I was about to decline when she said, “It’s not about you dear, it’s about Cole and Richard.” I kind of felt like ‘no’ wasn’t an option, so I sat across from her, drinking peach iced tea at her home.

“Where is Mr. Carlyle?” I was just making polite chit chat. I also didn’t want to be blindsided by the presence that was Mr. Richard Carlyle. He was handsome, an older, more solid version of Cole, but he was also foreboding. I tried to ignore the fact that he was intimidating without even trying, but after an emotionally fuelled morning, I wasn’t sure I could.

“He’s in Phoenix. I’m not sure what he’s doing exactly, but he’s made it a habit now to tell me where he’s going, when he’s going, how long he’s staying, and how to reach him. It’s kind of a pain in the ass to be honest with you.” She smiled at me, letting me know it was a joke. We hadn’t known each other long and I was still unsure when she was actually joking.

“So…” I just let it hang out there and waited for her to pick up my cue… and my smile.

“Has Cole discussed his sessions with his father?”

Hmm, how to answer that? “He has and he hasn’t.”

“Dear, I won’t discuss what you and I discuss with Cole. I just wanted to make sure he has someone other than his therapist to do that with.”

“Yes. He has discussed them with me. But I think if you want details, you should ask him.” I didn’t want to be rude, but really it was between her and her son and his dad. I didn’t want to make waves since I was the newest member of the family. Well, not officially, but I would be soon enough.

“How do you feel about the holidays?” She casually asked, sipping her tea.

“Can you be more specific?”

“How do you usually spend the holidays?” She sat down her glass and dabbed the sides of her mouth with her linen napkin.

“Normally, I’d be with Aimes and her parents. Sometimes her parents go to San Diego to be with her grandmother and when that happens, I go to the movies.” Ugh. It sounded pathetic when I said it out loud.

“I might try to have a family Christmas this year. I’m glad Aimes and Gus are coming for Thanksgiving. I know they’ll be busy since it’s the week before their wedding. And of course, they’re invited here for Christmas too. I’m sure Cole told you we haven’t had Christmas together since he was a teenager. I actually hire someone to decorate a tree for us and put fake presents underneath. Richard usually isn’t here and I normally go see my sister back east. Cole went skiing with Olaf one year, but normally he goes up to the cabin.”

Cabin? I didn’t know about the cabin.

“Now everything is changing. But I don’t want to intrude on anything you and he may have already discussed. The way I spent the holidays as a child are very different from the way I do now. I guess what I’m asking is if there’s anything that’s special for you that you’d like me to include. Like a special food or something.”

“No.” I left it at that. I was done talking.

“Anika?” She put her hand out to me and held it. I felt completely comfortable with this woman, that wasn’t the issue. “What’s going on?”

“Look, Patricia? I just can’t talk about this right now. I’m exhausted. That appointment this morning really took every ounce of emotion out of me and I don’t think I have any left to spare. Right now, I need a distraction from my brain.”

She looked at me, not with pity, but understanding. “I know just the thing. Want to go shopping?”

“Sure.” I smiled.

***

I walked in the door with two bags of candy and a costume for each of us.

“And how was my mom today?” Cole put his arms around me and kissed me lightly on the lips.

“She asked if you talk to me about your sessions.” Since we had this whole honesty thing going, I had to tell him. I wasn’t really sure where the line was with this kind of communication, but so far it seemed to be working.

“And what did you tell her?” He wasn’t mad, just curious.

“I told her to ask you.”

“Thanks for that. I don’t mind talking to her about it, but I also don’t want her to worry about me anymore. I think she wants to rebuild what was lost with my dad. I know he does – that’s for sure. So I think it’s up to him to talk to her. Maybe talking about me will give them a familiar topic to start with.”

“You’re a good man, you know that?” I couldn’t help but smile warmly at his thoughtfulness. His mom was a good woman and his first love.

“Thanks. And how was your appointment this morning?”

I knew it was killing him not to call me all day, but I told him I would call only if I needed to. He was desperately trying to give me the breathing room I requested, even though he worried about me constantly. “I’ll fill you in later. But, it was… good.”

“Okay, baby. So, what’s the plan tonight?”

Rusty’s was having a Halloween party. I missed working at the bar and I missed the familiar faces and friends there. Aimes kept me up on all the gossip and delivered messages from the regulars that asked about me. Rusty was one of only two people outside the one’s at the house that night that knew I’d been abducted by Joe. The other was Abe, my boss and friend from the art gallery where I used to work. I was going to see Abe on Monday to discuss a commission by Olaf Evist. But tonight was about shaking off the long weeks of emotional turmoil and having a good time with my man.

“What took you guys so long?” Aimes was dressed like a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. At first glance it looked like she’d had a heavy meal, but when she stood up straight, there was no denying her little baby bump was showing. Gus was in full cowboy regalia.