Cole (The Leaves) (12 page)

I went upstairs and brushed my teeth. I remembered I’d bought us a gift. A lame gift but a gift just the same. I opened the cabinet and took out a new matching set of pajamas. She would like this. I changed into mine and slipped on a V-neck tee and got into bed. I turned on the television and flipped through the DVR, seeing if there was anything to keep my mind busy for a while. I left her new pajamas on the bathroom counter so she’d see them.

I decided to just flip through the channels mindlessly, but happened to stumble across a Cricket game between England and the West Indies – who needs sleeping pills? I felt the control being plied from my hand and I opened my eyes to see Anika trying to be so careful not to wake me. How long had she been out there? She laid my hand back on my chest and began to pull the sheet and blanket over me when she caught my open eyes staring up at her.

Her hands cupped around my face and I instantly felt those same goddamned tears try to escape me again. She leaned down and kissed the sides of my face where the warm trickle escaped. “We have to stop doubting that we’re good enough for each other, Cole. We’ve both been so hurt by people that were supposed to love us unconditionally. It makes us doubt our worth. But I know I love you, Cole.” She kissed my cheek. “I won’t stop loving you.” She kissed my other cheek. “And if you stopped loving me?” She kissed my forehead. “I would still love you.” I took her hands and kissed the tips of her fingers and she responded by kissing my scars.

“At the risk of completely emasculating myself more than I already have, do you mind if I hold you all night? I want to make love to you, but more than anything, I just need to hold you.”

“I would like nothing more.” She nestled in under the covers and I held her close.

“Cole?”

“Yeah?”

“What made you choose flannel pajamas with cupcakes on them?”

I could feel her smile against my chest. “Two reasons. One, you always smell like dessert of some sort. I don’t know what perfume you wear but it’s delicious.”

“Oddly enough, that’s what it’s called: Delicious.”

“No shit?”

“No shit. It’s that green bottle that looks like an apple. And I have a black one that’s a little different.”

“Huh. Okay. And two, because as beautiful as you look in satin and silk… and I’m sure in other lingerie I’m going to make you wear… I want you to be comfortable and warm. It’s getting colder. But the image of you in the gown with your nipples rock hard, well…”

“Cole, baby?”

“Yeah?” I had to stifle a laugh. I knew what she was going to say.

“Is that your…?”

“No. It’s a banana in my pocket.” I said dryly. “What do you think?”

“I think we may never cuddle. I’ll be lying next to you when we’re eighty years old and we won’t be cuddling. Although, I’ve never really thought about old people sex until just this moment and it’s kind of weirding me out a little bit.”

“Well, maybe if we’re the old people we won’t mind. But just in case, perhaps we should make the most of our youth.”

She nuzzled into me even closer. “So, we’re still getting married huh?”

“If you’ll have me, Anika.”

“How does New Year’s Eve sound? I was thinking after this last year, a clean slate, ringing in the New Year… we’d never forget our anniversary?”

“Do you still want to do it on our beach? It might be cold.”

“Do you think Olaf would…?”

“Of course he would. It doesn’t leave us with much time, but say the word and my mom will be all over that.”

“God, she’s gonna be so happy.” Yeah. My mom was going to go ape-shit. And Olaf… he had bought this beautiful mission style hotel that had a small chapel.

It was perfect.

“Have you thought about where you’d like me to take you for a honeymoon?” My mind began picturing white sand, a private beach… she didn’t say anything. I assumed she was trying to think of a place. I could think of twenty off the top of my head.

“I’ve never seen snow fall. Does it snow in the mountains in January?”

“Which mountains?”

“Your mountains.”

My fucking mother.

Now it was my turn to be quiet. My cabin had been my escape and was a place I used to draw or paint, drink heavily, and forget about holidays. I hated to be reminded of family and decorating a tree… of everything I didn’t have. But now I had her. I had the antidote to sadness. She would bring light to every dark corner of my previous life.

“Well, if it isn’t snowing when we get there, we’ll stay until it does.”

“I love you Cole Carlyle.”

“I love you too, Anika Redding.”

Anika

A couple of days later I rolled over to grabbed the phone from beside the bed and looked at the time: five o’ eight a.m.

“Who is it?” Asked a sleepy and concerned Cole.

“It’s Aimes.” I took a deep breath and Cole sat up and took my other hand. She was well into her fourth month of pregnancy and even though I understood this to be the time you’re technically out of the woods, a five a.m. phone call was cause for concern to say the least; especially since she was in Dallas, introducing the future in-laws.

“No one died.” She blurted.

Phew. That’s a relief.

“You’re okay?” I asked. My heart thudding away.

“I’m sorry to worry you; I just couldn’t wait any longer.”

“Wait for what?”

“Don’t kill me, okay?” Oh, I was going to kill her. I was going to kill her for scaring the crap out of me.

“Spill, Aimes.”

“Here goes, you know how Gus and I went to Dallas to see his folks?” She had picked up the lingo – folks, not parents. “And, well, you know my parents came along to meet my future in-laws?”

“Yeah.”

“And you know how that dress I bought was getting a little tight?”

“Did you call me at five in the morning to tell me you bought a new dress without me?”

“No, Inky. I called to tell you we went to City Hall in downtown Dallas and got married yesterday. Gus arranged the license and everything and, well…” I said nothing for a good minute. “You’re pissed, aren’t you? I told you she’d be pissed.” She said this to someone, presumably Gus. “I’m sorry Ink. I just didn’t want to be any bigger in the pictures and my boobs are getting big and my belly has already popped out and –”

“I’m not mad, Aimes.”

“You’re not?!” She squealed.

“No, I’m not.”

“What is it?” Cole asked.

I smiled from ear to ear. “She and Gus got married.”

“Give me the phone.” Cole snatched it from my hands. “Aimes? You’re on speaker. Congratulations.”

“Thanks Cole. Is she mad?”

“No, she’s smiling and if I’m not mistaken she has tears in her eyes.”

“You’re not supposed to tell her that.” I admonished.

“Sorry, Inky. It’s my fault.” Gus had joined the conversation now, too.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there, but I couldn’t be happier for you both and that’s the truth. Can you guys do me a favor though?”

“Anything, Ink.” Aimes said eagerly.

“Don’t make any plans for New Year’s Eve.” Cole sat up behind me and wrapped his legs around mine. “Because you’re not gonna miss our wedding.”

Her scream must’ve scared the hell out of anyone around her. “Oh, I thought I was gonna have to wait forever. Thank you for doing it soon! Oh my golly gosh I can’t wait!”

“Aimes?
Golly gosh
?” I teased.

I could hear her telling Gus she would just be a minute. “Okay, I’m in the bathroom. Yeah, Gus’s mom and dad are nice, church going, folk and Gus said they were excited about their grandbaby and were just happy we were getting married, even if we did do things out of order, but apparently taking the Lord’s name in vain is a big fat no-no. So, I’ve been trying to keep it PG and respectful. But, as soon as I get out of ear shot, the F bomb is coming out to play.”

Cole got up and headed downstairs. I took Aimes off speaker. “Aimes?”

“Where’s Cole?”

“I think he went to start the coffee earlier than the timer. Or he knew I needed to talk to you.”

“Talk to me, Ink. What’s going on?”

“Do you remember when I told you how in love I was with Evan and I was worried something bad was gonna happen?”

“Actually, yeah. I do. And?”

“And something bad did happen? And now I’m with someone who I can’t imagine breathing without. Well, I’m fucking freaking out.”

She took a breath. “Okay. Well, call me crazy Ink, but I think the bad thing already happened. I mean, you know, the whole Joe thing was pretty fucked up.” She whispered the ‘fucked up’ just in case.

“Geez, will you listen to me? You’re married! Did you go out to dinner? What did you wear? There better at least be pictures.”

“Inky, it’s okay. Don’t feel like you can’t talk to me about this stuff. I don’t care about the timing. I want to know you’re okay. Believe me when I tell you, the Joe thing? Fucked. Up.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you. I do. And Cole found me this great shrink to talk to. I just don’t ever want this feeling to end. This euphoria. It seems like any time something good happens to me, karma, or whatever, finds a way to balance it out with something, really, really bad.”

“I know what you’re saying. So how about this, why don’t we just keep each other in check. How about every… let’s say Friday, but we can change it any time. Let’s say every Friday at one in the afternoon, we check in with each other. Like, a happiness check-in. And we can talk about whatever. We can talk about our euphoria as you put it. Maybe you just need to take stock of all the good things, ya know?”

“That’s why you’re my bestie, Aimes. I’m really happy for you. I’m so glad I pushed you.”

“Me too, Ink. I better go. They’ll start to get worried about me. Tell Cole I’m sorry I called so early, but it was killing me.”

“Tell them to come over to celebrate when they get back and we can give them their present.” Cole handed me a cup of magic coffee.

“Cole said come over when you guys get back. We have a wedding gift for you.”

“We will. I love you, Inky.”

“I love you, too. Take care of you and that little alien.”

“I will. Bye.”

She hung up before I could say goodbye. I just sat there and stared at the phone in the dark. The only light coming from a small lamp Cole turned on in the corner of the room. “Anika?”

“Is it totally selfish of me to cry?”

“Give me your cup.” He took it and set it on the nightstand.

“How’d you make coffee so fast?”

“I’m just cool like that. Come here.” He pulled me to straddle him and hugged me. “Happy tears? Sad tears? What kind of cry are we talking about here? Just so I know what I’m dealing with.”

I laughed through my sobs. “Stupid tears. Nostalgia, I think. Everything changed and it happened so fast, but it’s good, you know? Everything’s good. I’m just trying to catch up. So, happy tears, but bittersweet.”

“Hey, look at me.” He tipped my chin to look in my eyes. “Now you get to make new memories with your friend. She and Gus will be at the wedding…”

“I bet she’ll move to Texas. Her parents would go there, too. They’d want to be near their grandchild.”

“Texas is not Iceland. It’s only a few hours on an airplane. And they just bought their house didn’t they? I don’t think they’ll leave just yet. Aimes will want to be near her mom when she has the baby, and you. And what about when we have a child, she’ll want to be near you too.”

This was not something we’d discussed. We probably should have, it just never came up. “Anika? Hey, before you check out, try to stay focused on me for a second. What’s going on? Try to talk to me.” I would’ve loved to discuss this, but something was choking me. “Look at me Anika!” He scolded. He’d never spoken to me like that before, but it sure as hell worked.

“Y-yes?” I answered carefully.

“It’s just you and me. We are the only two people that matter right here, right now… nothing you can say will make me change my mind about us. Nothing. I suppose we’ve never talked about kids. Do you not want children?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“Why? Because you’ve never thought about it? You never thought you’d meet the right guy?”

He wasn’t pushing me; he was actually trying to communicate with me like normal people do in a relationship. “I do know, actually.” I said with growing confidence in my voice. I could be honest with him. “She told me I was the reason he left. I was her punishment. She had to suffer my stupidity.”

“She was a sick woman, Anika.”

“Do you want kids, Cole?”

“You probably won’t believe this, but I never did until I met you. It was always implied with Emma, but I don’t think she would’ve gone through with it. But with you, that child would be a product of our love for each other.”

“So, that’s a yes.”

“I’m good either way. But don’t think for one second you’re not enough for me. I guess I never asked because it’s not important to me. But if you change your mind an hour from now or five years from now, I’m alright with that.”

“Right now, I just want to lie next to you and watch the light change while the sun comes up.”

He pulled me back down next to him and held me. My head on his shoulder, my hand on his chest, while he spun my engagement ring with his fingers.

“I always thought I’d be good at it though.”

“What?” I could hear the sleepiness in his voice.

“Being a mom. I think I’d be good at it.”

“I know you would. But we don’t have to worry about that now. We have so much to do before we even think about that. You’re not even thirty. You have a long time before your clock starts to tick or whatever it is they say. But we can get all the practice in we want to now.”

“Are my sexy cupcake flannel pajama’s making you hot?”

“You have no idea. Why do you think I bought ‘em?”

***

The weather changed quickly over the next couple of weeks. All of the sudden it was winter in Southern California. One day it was ninety-five degrees and a day later it was thirty-five.

Cole and I met Gus and Aimes at the front door. “I thought I’d open the door so you don’t have to experience the awkward, ‘what do I do with my pie’ moment.” We both laughed and hugged. We’d hardly seen each other since they returned from Texas. Apparently she’d gone into full on baby planning mode, which had also become a mother/daughter task. I was always invited, but I didn’t want to intrude. We’d have our own time together.