Colour Series Box Set (33 page)

Rowan has somehow managed to take the broken woman that he was supposed to kill and changed me forever into something strong and maybe not fixed or whole but definitely better. Under all that darkness and all those numbers he really does have a heart that loves me. You ask me how I can love a murderer. Easily I just do. He’s not just a murderer as I’m not just a chef. Those are our jobs, underneath that we are just people. We were born into this dark little world we didn’t choose it. We can’t change who we were born to be, sometimes the bad blood in our veins is stronger than anything that we want. I can’t deny that I feel a new darkness in me since I let myself love this man. A darkness I’m not even a little afraid of.

I HAVE SPENT TWO
weeks of every waking moment devoted to Lauri; it has been the best two weeks of my life. I feel alive when I’m with her, but I know I have to go back to work. I actually want to go back; the need in me to do my job is starting to develop into an irritating itch I cannot ignore. I have decided that I will be doing things differently now. I just got no satisfaction from my last job which to me means I no longer have my head in it and that’s when stupid mistakes are made. My satisfaction can be found much closer now; I find it every minute I spend with her. The café is a roaring success and has been fully booked both weekends that it’s been open. Lauri comes alive in that kitchen her soul is poured into every single plate of food. I love to watch her working, living and finally being happy. She’s stolen my heart, I just realized I had one and she stole it right away from me.

Callum has been too quiet and I’m worried about him. He said that his Pop is into some rather shady, well shadier than normal deals and that he’s concerned for his safety and pretty much his whole family. I don’t really want to know what is going on but feel it in my criminal gut that he’s in big, big trouble and sooner or later shit will hit the fan. I just hope that shit isn’t my best friend. As drive into the city with my music blaring and my mind floating around I lecture myself. I should have my head in this I need to get my work face on and leave my beating, bleeding heart behind right now. If I go to a job like this I am exposed my face is shown and I am vulnerable. I hate that idea; this job is a big risk to take when you love someone. Lauri becomes a target if they know who I am, if they see me. I change my mind about working today; my victim isn’t anyone who cannot wait until tomorrow to die.

I go to Robin’s house instead because I could use a good dose of pain to scratch the itch right now. I can’t explain my need to murder I do honestly believe that even if this were not my job it may just have been my pleasure or hobby. The stinging pain of the tattoo gun seems to be a way to numb my need it transports me to the same place in my mind. Murder was born into me, and then enforced by my father and by Mick for most of my youth. I was meant to be a killer, it was always the plan, some become doctors and lawyers others like me become darker monsters that have other callings. I just don’t know how I can let her love me when I know what lurks in me. I will never stop even if I wanted to I know that I’ll always do this. I may not do it as much or as often, but unless I want to look like the illustrated man I will always kill.

I park at Robin’s house and as always a smiling Amya lets me in. She’s still hot; I’m in love, not completely blind. She sends me packing up to the studio after asking how Lauri is doing and reminding me she will be at the Cafe on the weekend again. My friend is in his usual spot staring out over the bay looking at Table Mountain. The cable cars are going up and down the mountain, the fishing boats moving into the harbour and the ferries to Robin Island. No one can complain of a boring view here. He’s in his own thoughts and doesn’t hear me come in, so I just take a seat and appreciate the view with him until he notices me.

When Robin’s eye catches me he stands up putting the small photo frame he was holding back on the shelf and turns to greet me. “Sorry I didn’t hear you come in Ro, I was just …” he doesn’t finish his sentence and I realize I have crashed in on a very bad day. I never gave the date any thought. “I’m sorry, I can come back tomorrow. Never mind.” I stand to leave his hand on my shoulder stops me. “No Rowan tomorrow it will be a number, today is just to scratch your itch. I understand.” Robin may know me too well. We come from very similar worlds, only Robin paid his dues and got out a long time ago. “How many years is it today Robin?” I ask him as I slump in his chair and unbutton the white cotton shirt I have on. It was work attire that will no doubt be ruined by blood by the time I get home later on. “Seven.” His reply is short and indicates to me that we will not be having a discussion today. Robin lines up his inks and gets his gun ready, cracking open a sealed needle in front of me as he always does. He snaps on his latex gloves and in no time the buzz of the gun and the sting on my skin take me away I don’t need or want to talk today I just need the escape. He’s right, I would have gone straight to do the job I just bailed and on the itch was getting too much to ignore after two weeks away. It’s not just the kill you see, I have to stalk and plan and work on each job it keeps my mind busy and I get as much thrill watching a victim as I get in killing them.

Robin seems to be in trance as he works today and I feel guilty for not realizing that today was his ‘hell’ day as we call it in our small family of friends. Robin was a gang cleaner before this; he was the guy who cleaned up the mess the guy who killed, maimed and punished the unwanted. Seven years ago he paid the price to get out, you only get out dead, I’m sure you’ve heard that before. Robin would rather have died, his price was much higher than death his three year old son was murdered in front of him and Amya by someone who wanted to hurt him and send a message to his boss. They let him walk away after that, he wasn’t the same and he earned his free out. Only it wasn’t free. He had paid the ultimate price. Amya hated him for what he was and did but more for what it’d cost them. It nearly broke them both into a thousand pieces; the thing is, Amya is not just any pretty girl. Amya comes from our world to, she’s Callum’s half-sister, and they share a father. She’s one of his Pops’ many bastards and was sent here so Callum could take care of her. Being family of a drug kingpin and the lover of a gang cleaner means you’re currency in this shit-hole. After that day, she changed her name and cut almost all ties with Callum to keep herself from being a target that could be used to get to him. Robin wanted another child desperately but Amya wont she is afraid that they would become currency in this game of criminal warfare.

You see why I hate drugs, that message was meant for Callum, he was Robin’s boss. You know Lauri may be right, someone always has to pay the penance for our sins. I feel like there is a vice grip around my throat right then I realize how true it is. I was currency, Callum too we will all pay the piper eventually. Robin’s needle ripping over my skin does nothing to help the unease that has settled over me lately. I’m the murderer and I’ll pay for my sins. That’s how it works.

Robin stops after two hours and I slip on my shirt without even looking at what he has added to my back. I hug my friend we don’t need words today. I leave him there and go downstairs. Amya is crying at the kitchen table where there is a bunch of flowers that I know are from Callum. I put my hand on her shoulder and she covers it with hers. I turn and leave my friends to grieve; they only allow themselves today and his birthday to be sad. After that they go on with life.

I drive home feeling heavy, my itch is gone but something else entirely has settled in my heart now. I only find relief when Lauri throws her arms around me and kisses me in the kitchen. She stills it all; she can stop and start my heart with a single touch.

TODAY’S MY BIRTHDAY;
I died a year ago today. Well Ellia died and Lauri was reborn so to say. So why am I sitting on the deck of my empty restaurant crying my eyes out when my friends will be here to celebrate with me in a few hours? I’m sobbing, crying from my soul and I don’t think I can stop. Not yet anyway. I know Rowan will come find me sooner or later and I try to stop, I really do but the tears still flow. He’s the reason I’m alive, the reason I know what love is, the reason I breathe and the reason I’m crying. He’s the reason for my breaking heart .

He’s been working less and less, the raw red numbers have become fewer and fewer over the last months. He’s also been dark and moody every time one does appear. He won’t talk to me about it. I don’t ask anymore. The monster in him is broken and he doesn’t know how to live without it. He cannot let it go but he doesn’t want it. He loves me, he shows me every single day just how much he loves me. I crave his touch more every day, I live to be with him. I miss the monster though, I don’t know how to tell him that, or the reason I’m crying. His monster made me feel safe and secure without the darkness I am not sure who he is, I’m afraid of this Rowan because he isn’t in control of himself anymore. I’m not sure who I am, I’ve grown comfortable with the notion of murder, and I do believe it is more in my soul than I want to admit. It appeals to me in the deepest part of my soul, I think I could be every bit as dark as he is. A thought pattern I have been struggling with inside my mind for a while now. I secretly wish I could strangle the life out of another person and I am afraid of what that means for me.

I’m afraid I’ve broken him; he tried so hard to fix me. Even if I haven’t broken him yet I am about to. There’s nothing I can do, I’m pregnant. After six lives were stolen from me I can honestly say I love this baby more than anything and if he can’t, then I will walk away. My tears are flowing again I can’t stop.

I hear Rowan calling down the drive to me, I know he’s is coming here, I know he’s going to see me crying. I really try to stop but I can’t. I’m crying for too many things to make it stop now.

I bury my head in my hands and draw my knees to my chest and stay where I’m sitting on the floor against the deck railing. I feel Rowan’s presence before he’s even next to me; he sinks to the floor beside me and pulls me to him. He holds me for a while not saying anything. His strong arms still my sobs enough that I can breathe a little. He has been acting so strange lately but I can still feel his love in the way he holds me. He kisses the top of my head and then I notice it in his hand. I’m such an idiot. He’s holding the pregnancy test that I obviously left in the bathroom before I ran down here to try escape it. He knows. My heart sinks and I feel another wave of tears ready to take over my sanity, I cannot believe this has happened.