Colour Series Box Set (36 page)

I’m going to marry that man on Tuesday and we’ll never be apart. We were never meant to be apart. I cook a sweet and sour stir-fry while admiring the ring on my finger. I can’t help but wonder if my dad would have been happy for us? I know he loved Rowan, but would he have wanted Rowan for me?

The food is cooked and I can’t switch my mind off, Rowan’s still in the office and I know he’ll be that torn broken confused monster when comes out. I hate that he feels like he wants to hide his desire to be a murderer from me, it’s not like I didn’t know from day one that’s what he did for a living. I need to make him stop this shit. I need him to be Rowan, all of Rowan for fucks sake’s. I think I know how to turn him back into the man I fell for. I open the office door to find him slumped behind his desk his back to it and the door, scotch in hand. I knew it. Broken.

“Rowan? What are you doing?” His eyes meet mine as he spins his chair around. I have never broken the sanctity of his office, ever, this is his space. I can’t tell if he is mad or confused but he just sits there frozen at my total disregard for the unspoken agreement about this space. “I asked you what you are doing Rowan. Please tell me.” I raise my voice a little and he looks confused and hurt at the way I have spoken to him.

“I don’t know Lauri,” his voice isn’t hard like usual and his Irish lilt is thick. “I do Rowan, you are sitting in here trying to be someone that you are not. You are trying
not
to be Rowan the murderer. Well guess what? You. Are. A. Murderer. I want you to listen to me Rowan or so help me god, I will take off my ring and walk away from you. I told you I loved all of you. All of you Rowan. And I fucking meant it. This bullshit that you have going on is going to stop today. I cannot love half of you Rowan and half is missing right now and I want it back. For fucks sake go and kill someone. Any fucking one! You need to find yourself in there because I trust you Rowan I trust you to make sure that this baby in me is not weak, sheltered or victimized because of what we are but that you will teach them how to be what you are so they don’t become currency in our sick world. DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME ROWAN.” I am screaming at him now, poking him in his chest and the tears that stain my face are angry tears I didn’t realize how much of that I was keeping a lid on. Rowan’s eyes are wide, it’s like he didn’t know I had a monster in me too. He set it free and I will be damned if I try keep it hidden any longer. “Go and do some work.” I don’t give him time to answer me I have too much burning in me. All I need is the look in his eyes to know I have fixed the giant cracks causing him to fall apart at the seams. I leave him and go eat my dinner alone in the kitchen. I hear the door to the garage opening and I know I finally got Rowan back. My Rowan, the monster and the lover.

I’M NOT QUITE SURE
what just happened. Lauri stormed into my office something she’s never done before, then yelled at me and told me she was angry that I was trying not to be a murderer and that I better go kill someone or she is walking away. I haven’t had enough scotch for this. Her words are cutting me into my soul, something came unhinged in her. I’ve been trying so hard to squash my need I failed to see that she needed that side of me too. I felt such guilt after my visit at Robin that I didn’t know what else to do so I started shutting down. I should have spoken to her. She’s scared and I’m making it worse because if I’m not me I can’t keep her and our baby safe. I feel like an asshole. I’m definitely too sober to even try and comprehend her yelling at me, poking me in the chest and telling me not only to go commit murder but if I don’t she will leave. I actually believe her the way the anger poured out of her.

I empty my scotch down my throat savouring the burn, grab my bag and stalk out to my car to go do a job I’ve been putting off. I don’t go back and speak to her; my actions will speak louder than any words that will come out of my stupid mouth. I need to just be me. A monster. A bad man. A murderer. I
can
be a bad man and be a good husband and father. I have to be both. That little heartbeat I heard today is all I need to set things straight, if I’m not me, my baby could become her. She wants our baby to like me. I feel a hard tug in my chest at the thought of what that means; I’ll place a gun in my child’s hands and teach them to pull the trigger without feeling anything. I’ll make my baby into a cold hearted killer, but I will also teach them how to love someone. I swallow hard, turn my music to deafening and drive out of the estate gates.

The drive to the city seems to take forever today. I’m starting to feel like I should have talked to her before I left, but I couldn’t. My phone buzzes for an incoming text. The reckless me picks it up to check. My heart beats a little faster when I see Lauri’s number across my iPhone screen.

I’m sorry I yelled. I love you Rowan. Dinner’s in the fridge.

She is sorry? Fuck I’m so glad she stormed in there and yelled some sense into my fucking head. I don’t know what I’ve been trying to prove or to whom, but it was a piss poor idea. I think I was convinced if the numbers stopped or at least got less she would actually consider my proposal. I didn’t count on her threatening to take back her yes answer less than twenty four hours later because I wasn’t killing people for a living anymore. Woman are confusing, wish someone had explained that to me better a long ass time ago.

I’m in Camps Bay, where the rich live and holiday in the cape this is the ‘it’ place, where ‘it’ all happens. It’s mostly full of young, rich assholes. My work order is a young hot shot who owes Callum a lot of money for his recreational pharmaceuticals, a party animal living large off daddy’s money. However, it seems that daddy dearest has cut said idiot son off because of his wayward behaviour. Callum has sent them a few messages that he wants to be paid. Daddy dearest said no, now sonny boy dies and he pays anyway because while I’m busy here, his pretty little high school daughter is being picked up for a stay in a shitty hotel. I watch him showboating with his friends at the local watering hole, drinking cocktails. What self-respecting man drinks cocktails? Beer or scotch those are the only two acceptable man drinks. If it has fruit in it, you are either gay or a girl.

I park my car along the beachfront and grab my bag. I take the short walk the few blocks to his fancy pants apartment on the cliff. It’s all white, shiny and fake. I switch off the lights and sit and wait for him to come home. I like this quiet time. When I get to see who my victim is why they’re in the situation where they are going to die. This boy owes Callum nearly two million Rand. That’s a lot of money to sniff smoke and swallow; drugs make you stupid and poor. And most often dead. I wait for a long time, I get my head in the right space I need this. I need to spill blood to watch the lights go out in his eyes I need to set myself free again. I need to be in control of everything just for a short while; I desperately need the power I get from killing someone. Anyone would have done tonight.

I hear the door unlocking around 11pm, I see his silhouette and the poor hanger on girl who’s with him. I speak loudly as he closes the door behind them. “Send the girl home and have a seat. Don’t do anything stupid, I will kill her too if you do. Princesses just go, now. Leave your cell phone on the table and don’t be stupid, leave. I’ll be gone before you can even scream for help.” She is frozen on the spot and I can tell she isn’t going to leave, for the fucking love of god. I get up and shove pretty boy down on the couch and grab his Barbie doll around her arm making bruises in her fake tanned skin, pulling her into the guest loo and locking it from the outside. Someone will find her eventually she won’t be able identify me it’s too dark in here anyways.

“Let’s have a little chat, you and me.” I wave my gun in his face now. “Do you have Callum’s money?” I give the guy a fighting chance. He shakes his head. “I thought so. We’ll get it from daddy then.” I see him shake his head again staring at the floor. He knows that his father has cut of his unending supply of cash. “We have your sister; he’ll pay us no matter what. He seems to actually love her.”

I cable tie his hands and feet so he cannot run, he struggles against me a little but he’s piss drunk and piss weak. I want to hear him scream so I don’t bother taping his mouth shut. No one is listening but me, oh and his Barbie doll in the toilet over there. He doesn’t fight or kick or panic anymore, he knows exactly how this is going to end. He knew the second I spoke, this was over he has been running from and dodging Callum for too long it had to catch him eventually.

I fetch my favourite knife from my bag, I need this tonight. Bloody, dirty, messy and raw, I stab him in the thigh first. He screams like a little girl, making me smile when I see the red stain seeping into his designer jeans, my pulse quickens. His eyes are filled with terror, but terror is still alive. I am only just beginning boy, I stab into the soft flesh of his side just below his ribs making sure I hit his organs good and proper. He screeches again and then it’s gone, the fight the life in his eyes is going and he begs me quietly to just kill him, so I do. I deliver two deep stabs of my knife right between his ribs into his heart. The blood pools on his white sterile floor and I step over it to get my bag. I hear the muffled sobs of the girl in the bathroom I bet she thinks I am going to kill her. I only kill the people that I get paid to kill no extras. It’s the only way to stop me from killing anyone I meet all the time. That’s how I control it; it has to be a job.

I dial Callum from my car; he’s quick to answer as always. “Rowan. Is the job done? Did you send someone?” We had a major fight about this job earlier I said I would send someone else to do it. “It’s done. I did it, I’m working again Callum.” The line is silent but I know he’s there. “Thank you Rowan.” Is that all I get before he hangs up? Things are strained between us lately. I know he’s in some kind of trouble but he insists on denying it and carrying on business as usual. I know him too well for that shit to fly with me and I keep calling him out on it. Today he threw it in my face and called me on my shit. Funny that, him and her all in one day. Maybe they are in cahoots?

Now I want to go home to Lauri, I still can’t believe she’ll be my wife. Murdering that young fool has restored my balance, fixed me I am not on a knife edge anymore. Next fucking Tuesday I’m getting married, to a good woman something I swore all my life would never happen and I’m going to be a dad. I saw my baby today, I’m not as broken as I think, and I think I’m finally whole.

I send Robin a message so he knows I’ll be coming over tomorrow. My chest burns at the thought of his needle carving a new number into my heart and I feel the satisfaction and stillness I need.

I shower in my old room when I get home, I don’t want to take the blood and filth of my job into our room. The hot water is washing day off me when I feel her arms slip around me from behind and her naked body presses again mine. “Welcome back Rowan. I missed you.” She says her lips pressed into my back, soft and sweet and all fucking mine. Her voice is dripping with desire, lust and want. She is turned on by the fact I just killed someone. She loves me, all of me, she understands that this is me and she
wants
me.

The good with the bad, but accepts that the bad will never ever leave.

I love her. And fuck me if I don’t love our baby too.

For the second time today I take her hard. I lift her sweet painted body up and fuck her slowly against she shower wall. She screams my name and claws at my skin. Everything is perfect for once in my life I have it all, nothing is missing.