Colour Series Box Set (37 page)

LAST TUESDAY I
married my monster. A bad man, a man who makes no excuses for whom or what he is. I love him, I love the monster more than I care to admit it, I love the murderer. Rowan’s dark side is a part of him, he tried to let it go and it nearly ripped him and us apart. I’ll never let him make a choice between who he is and us ever again, I will love all of him as long as I live. Just the way I promised him standing in our vineyard in front of our two friends. Callum didn’t show up to our wedding, I know it hurt Rowan deeply, I was absolutely livid with him and no one will spill the shit on why he wasn’t there or what’s going on with him so I know it cannot be good at all.

We didn’t go away on a honeymoon, Rowan was not keen on me traveling while pregnant and I have to admit I’m quite happy to just be us here at home together. While I sit here working on The Café menu for the next two weeks I look over at the vineyards and think about how things have changed. How I’ve come alive, how I’m married. A real marriage this time, no vengeance or abuse, no penance to be paid just love. I’m pretty sure my Dad knows I’m finally happy but I’m almost sure if he could come back and kill Rowan he would.

I try and concentrate on the work in front of me and getting it done but my mind is on other things so I stop to open the post that I picked up from the estate offices earlier. It’s all the usual stuff, accounts, junk mail and invoices for the café. I open an envelope in the middle of the pile that’s addressed to me personally. I don’t realize the name it’s addressed to at first just start reading. I don’t get far before I am heaving and it’s not the baby causing it. My throat is closing and my eyes are filling with blood I know it before it takes me away.

Panic. He knows. He found me.

I come too a while later and I know that no one found me. Rowan is working in Bloemfontein today and won’t be home until tomorrow night. I lift myself up off the floor slowly and turn the envelope over and sure as all fucking hell it’s addressed to me, but not this me. It’s addressed to Mrs Ellia Baldini. I hadn’t even noticed the words; my brain didn’t pick it up when I read it the first time.

The letter itself is quite simple it is typed on white stock paper.

Ellia,

I know you’re not dead. I know you’re with him. I know you married him.

A murderer like your father, did I teach you nothing Little One?

I want to remind you that you are mine and I will take what is mine. Be careful Little One.

Renzo

I don’t know what to do? I can’t exactly go to the police. “My husband is murderer who saved me from my ex who was a crazy man that tortured me because my father was an international hit man for the Irish mob.” Yeah even here that would get me locked in the nut house. If I tell Rowan, he will kill Renzo and I have no doubt that he will be exposed and either killed or arrested when he did. Renzo is too careful for that, I need a way to bide my time and find a way to fix this. I call the only other person I know who can handle this, Callum.

He doesn’t answer my call and his phone is making that irritating ring sound it does when you leave the country. I give up and hide the letter in my handbag. There’s no way Renzo can get to me here anyway. Our security is top notch and Rowan’s here most of the time. My heart stops at the thought of what may happen if he knew I was pregnant. I wonder if he does know. I try Callum once more before I send him a rude text; I’m about done with his shit.

Callum. I fucking need you. I don’t care a shit that you missed the wedding but I swear to God I’m losing patience. I fucking need you. You’re the only family I have and I fucking need you right now. Call me you asshole!

I feel a bit bad for lashing out at him but it’s too late I’ve hit send already and I’m panicked and hormonal and afraid.

I get up and go shower in an attempt to distract myself from the simmering sense of dread and fear creeping its way into me. I don’t want to feel the things Renzo make me feel I’m not his I am mine, I am Rowan’s. I see the red light on my phone flashing when I eventually get out the shower and it’s a text from Callum. I’m relieved, so he isn’t dead that’s a start.

Lauri, I’m so sorry I’m not there and that I missed your wedding. I had to leave in a hurry. I’m home in Ireland. My Pop is gone, I was needed here and I was a risk there. I cannot help you, talk to Rowan. You can’t tell anyone you know where I am. Please. I’m so sorry.

I delete his message immediately. I know better than to keep it and my stomach sinks further. My world is crumbling around me and now I’m bringing another generation into this fucking mess. I’m not sure if I want to anymore.

I wish Rowan was home; I dial his number but get voicemail. I know he is working so I try to sleep. Nightmares of the devil doctor, burning flesh and the safe fill my dreams and I get very little actual sleep. I wake with a determination not to let him take my life again and I decide the right thing to do is tell someone; I get ready to go see Robin. He may be on the straight and narrow now but he knows our world and I need someone to know to look for me if I am suddenly missing. I make sure the letter is in my bag so I can show him and I get ready to leave. I try calling Rowan again but when he doesn’t answer, so I text him that I am going to Rob’s to visit with Amya.

This is the right thing to do.

The drive into the city takes so long and I need to pee so badly that I all but run past Amya as she opens the door. I know she understands, with my bladder empty I greet my friend who rubs my belly like I’m a Buddha. I already feel fat but I don’t say anything because I know it’s going to get much worse yet. “Is Robin here? I want to have a quick chat with him.” I ask her in the kitchen as she makes us coffee. Baby or no baby, I can’t give up caffeine, giving up wine was hard enough coffee would kill me. “He’s in his studio cleaning, go on up while I make this for us, do you want a muffin?” She asks me filling the coffee maker with water. “Mmm hmm, yes of course I do. I’ll be down in few.” I answer her walking out of the kitchen towards the stairs.

Rob has music blaring in the studio, I think it’s Fall Out Boy playing when I interrupt his little world he is singing ‘Sugar we going down’ at the top of his lungs. “Hey Rob.” I greet and close the door behind me. The fear on my face obviously gives me away before I can say anything because his reply is short and honest. “Spill it Lauri. I can read you like a book.” Shit, shit, shit. I simply pull the letter out and hand it to him to read, I see his face contort from happy singing Robin into absolute rage as her realizes what he is reading. “Did you show Rowan?” His tone is flat and hard not like normal. “No, he isn’t here, he’s working and I don’t want him to know.” I tell him how I worry that Renzo will have planned for Rowan to kill him and expose him. Robin agrees that I should keep it from Rowan for now. He’s not impressed by the situation and he makes some phone calls that I don’t understand. “I am putting one of my friends on the security team at the estate if Rowan notices we say it’s because of Callum’s situation.” I realize I must be the only one who didn’t know exactly what was going on with Callum and I am immediately angry at the way they treat me with kid gloves all the time. I drop it for now because I did just land a bomb on him and I am asking him to keep my secret so I will allow them theirs for now.

We don’t say anything more. Robin puts the letter in a drawer in his studio and I head down for coffee with Amya. I lie and tell her I wanted to ask him about Callum. Not sure who knows what,I don’t say I know anything I just say I am upset he missed the wedding. My phone buzzes with text from Rowan that he is on his way home. I feel a relief wash through me and I realize how much I miss him when he is away. After I finish my coffee and Amya’s store bought muffin, I say my goodbyes and go home to wait for my husband.

On the way home, I hatch a devious little plan of exactly how I want to wait for him. I’m intent on enjoying these months of freedom before the baby arrives and I plan to use every moment I can to seduce my husband. This baby has
all
my hormones raging and I’m worse than a horny teenager I just look at Rowan and I want to do ungodly things with that damn sexy fucking body of his.

I shower and dry my hair, wearing it down just the way I know he likes it and I slip into a red corset and matching lace thong. The ‘please fuck me’ heels complete the look. I clear his desk of all the papers and crap he seems to keep on it and when I know he is at the main gates I lay myself out on his desk so when he opens the door to the office, I’m all he can see in the soft glow of his desk lamp.

My heart is thumping against my chest and the bright ink on my skin is a sharp contrast on the white high gloss desk. The door handle turns and I unconsciously hold my breath. Rowan’s silhouette fills the whole doorway as he steps inside. I can’t see his face as he pauses to take in my invasion of his office space. The door closed behind him and steps forward. I see his eyes are dark with all kinds of wicked things and his half smile plays at his mouth making him even hotter than normal. I notice the blood smear on his shirt but choose to ignore it. It doesn’t bother me anymore. In fact, in his moment the thought of him being a ruthless killer has me hot in all the right places. Rowan’s bag thuds to the floor and he moves towards me with a deep growl. Mission accomplished I should say. Before I can get a word to pass my lips Rowan is on the desk and on top of me his bloody shirt is discarded and sent to the floor along with his belt before his mouth is on mine. No words just actions. His big hands wrap around my neck and the heat in me builds even more. I’m bad right now, I’m bad and I’m so hot for my murderer.

He’s going to hate what I have to ask him later. But I have too, it’s in me and I know I need to get it out somehow.

THE FEELING I
get when I see the life drain from another person’s eyes is one I can’t even try to put into words. We all have the power to take a life but very few of us ever do. It changes you, feeds the darkness inside you. Every life I take feeds my soul a little more; I am unbalanced when I don’t kill for a long time off kilter and out of control. I am coming to accept the truth that Lauri is drawn to my darkness and that she loves me, no in fact she loves my darkness. She has completed me somehow balanced me, I’m still a horrible man make no mistake there, but I know now what love is and I feel it so strongly that it balances the dark out.

My trepidation about being a father hasn’t abated at all over the last two weeks in fact it has intensified. As I lie here naked with my back on my desk my legs hanging off the edge with Lauri’s small body resting on mine, my mind wonders to what the future holds for us. For my
family
, something I haven’t had since my Ma died, I have a family. The thought of it makes me think of Callum. I push the dread building up inside me over what may or may not be going on at home and focus on my wife who made sure I had a better than ever welcome home today. Good fucking god she may just kill me if she keeps up like this. I smile up at the ceiling that I’m now staring at, right now in this moment life is perfect and that scares the shit out of me because nothing stays perfect forever.