Confessions of a Backup Dancer (6 page)

“great ok I'll go cue up your music if you're ready.” she closed the door behind her, and the door kind of melted into the mirror so much that after a while I kind of forgot where the door was. I was TOTALLY tripping out at this point. I knew all these people were watching but all I could see was reflections of myself. it seemed crowded in there, but it was only me. I was truly, schooly freaking out. “ok, sure,” I said.

this is it, I kept thinking, this is it. don't blow it. you've done this a thousand times so don't think about it. breathe. breathe. I heard Eileen over a speaker (I never figured out where the speakers were …) “ok, urn, all set, Kelly?”

i nodded. i heard the first few beats (luckily i'd built in a two-bar pause at the top of the routine so I couldn't be caught off guard) and felt my legs start to move. it was strange not knowing where to focus because they could have been behind any of those walls. Luckily I also realized that if I tried to see through the glass, to see behind it, I'd look like a real idiot. I got that from watching the real world. so I just picked a spot to center myself with and stuck with it.

as soon as the song hit the first chorus, though, the music stopped. “urn, sorry, Kelly. hey, um … the girls weren't watching. would you mind starting over?”

I didn't know which way the voice was coming from or where I was supposed to look when I answered it so I just said, “SURE NO PROB.” that got me flustered, but I kept it under control. I kept thinking about the way tito would react if I screwed up. he'd glare at me in horror, then pretend that darcy barnes had no idea what she was doing and that she was a moron for not choosing me and that I'd be a star no matter what and did I want to deep-condition anything. I wasn't sure I could take all that, so I was determined not to screw up.

and we started again. this time I figured I had find to find my way THERE—as soon as possible. and stay THERE.

luckily I found it. in fact, once the music started again, it wrapped me up like a spring roll. i was flying, working, striking, hitting EVERYTHING in a way that I've never felt. I just went for it and rocked. it was like how when you know someone important is watching you, you kick everything up a notch (either that or you totally collapse and fall apart. luckily that didn't happen this time). anyway it felt like a total “peak” as Danielle my ballet teacher used to call it.

except right as I was “peaking” the music conked out. silence. I just looked around at myself (myselves) in the mirror.

I stood there, still breathing, not sure what to do. I realized I'd raced from sitting outside on the curb to auditioning
for darcy barnes to waiting for a response and forgetting which way I was facing in the space of only 10 minutes. this was all happening so fast, even if for a moment it felt like nothing at all was happening.

there goes the $40,000, I thought.

still nothing.

then the mirror cracked. cracked open. I fixed my eyes on the floor in front of where the mirror opened into the room. I was too scared to look up. I was expecting eileen wang to step out of the mirror-door and tell me to go home. This was bad.

slowly I raised my gaze, hoping that perhaps eileen would come out and again tell me that they weren't watching.

and out popped darcy barnes! it was so unreal. like, this girl I've seen 100,000 pictures of, whose wardrobe I know even better than my own, was all of a sudden right there in front of my face! she looked different … not like different different, but the expression she had on her face was kind of, I don't know, unglamorous. and she had a zit on her chin! And she was taller than I thought. all these things went whipping through my head, and what do I say? omiGOD you're Darcy Barnes!

Then I wondered whether I was even allowed to talk to her. Or whether I was supposed to do something to show my respect, like curtsy.

“hi!” she goes. “I
loove
your tank!”

that's what she said when she hired me. not “You were great!” or “Sweet moves” or “It will take a lot of work but you'll probably do OK. Nope, just “I loove your tank!”

made me wonder whether my dancing had anything to do with it. what if I'd worn a different tank?

tito was like, How do you spell the way she said “looove” and I go, I'm pretty sure you spell it with three O's. at least.

SUNDAY JUNE 2

MY ROOM, MIDNIGHT

Outfit:
I have changed over 30 times today and I still don't know what to wear tomorrow. oh, and there's the little issue of packing for the next three months away from home.

Mood:
should I be a little sadder that I'm leaving for the summer? maybe, but I'm too excited.

other than tito, evan, mom, and the dance studio (they were pissed, not that I really cared. I mean, hello $40,000!), I haven't told anyone about my summer plans. Tito's the only friend I hang out with anyway. The rest of them will find out through the grapevine or something. besides, as soon as darcy barnes said, “I looove your tank!!” my entire focus has been on leaving tomorrow.

evan hasn't spoken to me since the car ride home yesterday. after I told him that I got an offer from the It's Darcy!! people, he basically ignored me. I guess that's just his way. he doesn't want me to go and this is his way of telling me. dude is pretty sensitive. anyway he was there when I signed on for the last time from home.

SlipKnotRules933111:
can you give me a ride to OzzFest on Wednesday?

KellyKelSoCal321:
evan. I won't be here. I told you. I'm leaving tomorrow.

SlipKnotRules933111:
ok

KellyKelSoCal321:
i'm sorry. i'm going to miss you a lot

SlipKnotRules933111:
whatever. it's not like I need you for a ride anyway. i'm not helpless. it's not like I have some walkathon disease or anything.

Then he signed off.

I'm worried about him. The only thing he has going for him at the moment is that martino “corrective” school for ex-con teens he's in. turns out he's like a genius. the kid's already finished 11th grade physics, and he got an A. I got a D, barely. he's going to start taking college classes next year in architecture. one day an arsonist, the next an architect. go figure. I guess they understand him there. which is good cause nobody else seems to.

the only thing about the Martino School is the cost. it's way more than we can afford. Carl paid for the semester that Evan took last year, and he never lets any of us forget it. I would love it if we didn't have to take his money.

speaking of money, did I mention that I'll be making a couple of bucks this summer? or, I mean, $40,000 for three months!!!???!!?!?! sorry, I guess I already mentioned that.

anyway I think i'll save some money for evan. it could help free up my mom to get out of this carl situation.

I'm crashing now. Eileen said there was a car coming tomorrow at 10
AM
to take me to LA. a car? how about a jet? ha ha. just kidding I'm not that much of a diva. YET. ha ha.

MONDAY JUNE 3

ON THE WAY TO LA, 11:30
AM

Outfit:
track pants, evan's Insane Clown Posse tee (not that I'm a fan or anything but for some reason I feel brave in it)

Hair:
tito gave me braids last night so I just left 'em in.

Mood:
a little weepy. I just left home. trying to be brave but, well, kinda weepy.

Fortune:
Welcome luck whenever it appears.

The car came for me this morning at 10. i think that was the first time evan got that i was actually going. he came up from the basement, stuck his head out the garage door, goes “bye,” then turned around and went back in. i feel really bad. but he'll be ok. plus I have my laptop so we'll definitely talk.

thank god the twins were at their pre-tween modeling class when I left. carl was watering the bushes out front. I heard him yell, “where's she going?” just before I slammed the door.

Mom is the only one who actually walked me to the car. she loves to take moments like these and pretend she's in a Lifetime made-for-television movie. she took a little breath. then exhaled. I didn't know if she was going to say something or just keep staring. her eyes kept darting back and forth. it was obvious she didn't know what to do. it was like she was waiting for me to say something meaningful, wise, hopeful, or something. I'm like
hi, I don't have a team of writers like they do on lifetime. and guess what I don't need the pressure!

the best I could think of was, “bye mom.”

then she really went for it. she was whimpering, like, “ok baby. Go. Go because you CAN. I love you. I'll always be watching. i've never stopped watching everything you do, I never will. now, go.”

she smiled but it was one of those moms-only “I want you to think that I don't want you to see it but really I do want you to see that I'm dying on the inside smiles.” but it wasn't just for effect … I could tell it was hard for her. isn't it weird how you find yourself in those moments sometimes and you feel like it's not real, and you can't help thinking that what the other person is saying is totally cheesy? and then, like, later, after the moment's waaay gone, out of the blue, you realize how much it affected you or whatever and you start to bawl like a “Baby-Wails-a-Lot” doll?

that happened to me like 10 minutes ago. I mean I didn't really start to BAWL, but i'm kinda sniffly and weepy at the moment. when I began to cry the driver turned up the radio on this awful country station. I think he was trying to get out of asking “what's wrong?” which is fine with me cause I didn't want to talk to him about it anyway.

I just kept thinking what mom said: “Go because you can.” like, kinda saying I'm old enough to handle it, smart enough to deal, talented enough to succeed, all that stuff. it's weird to realize how much it matters to
me that my MOM would think that about me, that she trusts me, that she believes in me or something.

so here we are, on the way. Clay Aiken is blasting into my ears and it hurts. god I hope I remembered my discman. I need some sarah mclachlan and a nap …

WAIT! PANIC! I just had a horrible thought. What if everyone on the It's Darcy!! tour hates me?

There goes my nap with Sarah McL.

TUESDAY JUNE 4

DARCY'S HOUSE (or as everyone here calls it, “D-Zone”)

LOS ANGELES, 11:54
PM

Outfit:
official It's Darcy!! concert tour tee (white on black), basketball shorts

Hair:
they want me blonder. fine with me.

Mood:
wiped out. been trying to keep my head down and do everything right. so far no major mess-ups. but no one's really being nice to me. I can't tell if they all hate me, but there sure have been a lot of staredowns.

Fortune:
No one knows you better than you.