Confessions of a Backup Dancer (3 page)

“The Panel,” as they referred to themselves, were weird … they never gave anyone any feedback or anything. the five of them just sat there taking notes. it was like in that really old movie Flashdance. Don Dezer just kept saying “thank you, next” when people were done. I guess they were just trying to get rid of the totally tone deaf. I've been to a million trillion auditions before but
I'd never come across producers who were so cold before. they were just like pushing people out of there. they didn't push me out, though, which I figured was a good sign.

after the vocal tests, they told us they were taking a 5-minute break. I plugged my discman into my ears, lay down in the corner, closed my eyes, and listed to some darcy barnes. I went through the routine in my head a couple of times. it was solid, I really knew the moves. And like tito said, I pulled it off pretty well yesterday. I bet I could do it again.

45 minutes later I woke up—that kind of waking up where you didn't even realize you were asleep in the first place. I couldn't believe I'd fallen asleep. my headphones were still on even though darcy barnes had way long ago stopped singing. I chugged the red bull that Tito had stuffed in my knapsack.

I realized all the girls were gathered around the door, where they posted a list of 20 names who would move on to the next level of the audition. the bodysuits were on there, macy gray. the pro. And yup, there was me: “Kimball, K.” I needed another red bull.

They broke us up into two groups. my group went into another studio where don dezer and two of the other judges had set up a video camera. the judges showed us a few routines and had us do them. none of them were that hard at all (even though I tripped over myself more than I would have if I had
been dancing at home). most of it was stuff I learned in hip-hop class last fall. but there were no mirrors, which was really weird. I've almost never danced without a mirror. it's a lot harder. but even still I caught myself sliding THERE once or twice and improvising a little. I mean, not in an annoying overachiever way or anything, at least not as far as I'm concerned. I was just giving them some REALNESS, just like tito told me to.

the macy gray wannabe gave me a totally dirty look and it pissed me off. I really wished tito could be there right then.

anyway, they did another cut and there were just 10 of us left. me, the bodysuits, macy gray, the pro, and a few others. (not the argentinian. they sent her home after she came on to not one but two of the judges.) Anyway, I knew we were getting down to the wire, for real. it was time for our individual routines.

those two girls in the bodysuits went before me and even though they were dressed like they knew what they were doing, they both did these surprisingly dorky dances, like something they'd learned in a funk aerobics class together or something. the judges gave them no reaction, just a thank you, you're free to go, we'll post our decision after 6, next please. macy gray stepped up and threw down a disco routine, which she was obviously really into because she was throwing herself around like some freak in a good charlotte video. but it was obviously not very well choreographed. I wondered what the judges would think of her, but again, no reaction.

then it was my turn. all eyes on me. including macy gray, who had gone back to scowling at me.

I wasn't exactly sure how I was doing. I mean, I think I was pretty good. I mean, I don't know. I definitely hit all the steps and was on tempo and everything, but I felt a little stiff. I kept looking up, and because there were no mirrors I'd get stuck on seeing that macy gray's mean look and I couldn't get THERE.

but I finished, on cue and on balance. as far as I could tell, I'd done ok.

no reaction from the judges. don dezer was just writing stuff in his notebook and futzing with the video camera. he goes, “thank you Miss … um … uh … Kimball, yes. you're free to go. we will post our decision after 6. next?”

then it happened. the pro girl went right after me, took the center of the floor, and waited for her music. halfway through the first beat, I knew I was in trouble. this girl was dancing to darcy barnes!!

and not only that, she was doing the EXACT SAME routine that I did! I couldn't believe it. I watched her like a hawk. was she better than me? worse? is this good for me? bad? am I screwed? I kept looking to the judges for any reaction, any sign, any emotion in their stony faces.

the song was over fast, and I concluded that I did just as well as the pro.

no reaction from the judges.

I was starving. I went to find tito at the CaliBurger. I needed the biggest double double cheeseburger ever made. I hadn't eaten all day and I was STARVING! I told tito I didn't want to talk I just wanted to eat. he totally understood.

after scarfing for a half hour I looked up to see Don Dezer and two other members of the panel walk over and take the booth right behind us. they didn't see me, thank god, but I could totally hear them talking. I gave tito the “shhh” signal and listened to Dezer and his crew, who were in mid-conversation:

“What about that Kimball girl?”

“She's good on the floor and her voice is ok but there's nothing original about her. She's a poser. she's not REAL at all. she's a clone, everything she did was a darcy barnes ripoff and that's the last thing we need.”

“she's good, though.”

“yeah she's good but she's not very real.”

“yeah you're right. she's a darcy barnes clone. Strike her off the list.”

“Ok, Kelly's off. So we have Tracy, Thelma, Roni, and Dale. We still need a fifth.”

“Well, our fifth definitely isn't here today. We'll have to hold more auditions. Go put up the list.”

tito and I just stared at each other in shock with our mouths open. a bite of burger actually fell out of my
mouth onto its paper wrapping. I wanted really bad to crack up with tito right now and laugh at ourselves, laugh at how silly the whole day had been, laugh at the other girls who'd been auditioning, laugh at Don Dezer's cologne, laugh at the burger falling out of my mouth, laugh at the humiliation of it all. But the humiliation didn't feel funny right away. I felt like a complete loser. I mean, the ONE thing I thought I had to offer, the one thing tito said I had, was some so-called realness, and they didn't get that at all. Not to mention that they compared me to darcy barnes, which would have been exactly what I wanted five minutes ago, but now it sucked. tito grabbed his backpack. “c'mon, we are totally out of here.” he stood up and walked around to my side of the booth, grabbed my arm, and went, really loud, “let's go!” I wonder if “The Panel” heard him.

we took off. we didn't even bother to wait until after six to go up to the studio to see some stupid list without my name on it. we just raced back to the bus station. tito kept going off about how they don't know what they're talking about and they don't even know what real is and blah blah blah until I had to tell him to shut up.

he just showed me the new Darcy Barnes milk mustache ad in US Weekly. I grabbed it out of his hand and tore it up. I'm so not a clone of her.

SATURDAY MAY 25

MY ROOM, 9:59
AM
(And I'm not coming out. except maybe for ice cream.)

Outfit:
cloud pj bottoms and one of dad's old tees.

Hair:
haven't checked.

Fortune:
you can't step in the same river twice.

by the time I got home it was almost 2. way after curfew but it's not like it's the first time I've snuck in after curfew. I was brushing my teeth when staci came into the bathroom to pee. I was like great, she'll probably tell. but she looked half asleep so I figured she wouldn't remember.

when I got up I was seriously bummed.

I mean, not that I really really wanted to get picked or anything, it's just, well, I don't know. I wish I'd been able to say no to THEM, instead of the other way around. kinda like how it's better to be the one who does the dumping instead of the one who gets dumped.

I signed on and Evan IMed me from the basement. he got to move to the basement last week when he turned 15 and finished his community service sentence (300 hours of picking up trash) and get this: his parole officer's wife, this software executive or something, gave evan an old computer from her office that they were throwing out. I think it was for like some outreach to troubled teens program or something.

Anyway, it's gross down there in the basement. I can't figure out why he'd want to move there. god only knows what he does down there. ew. boys are retarded.

his latest IM name is
SlipKnotRules933111
. he can't even get our zip code right. freak.

SlipKnotRules933111:
are you up

KellyKelSoCal321:
dude I'm online. I'm up

SlipKnotRules933111:
staci or traci or one of them said you were out all night

KellyKelSoCal321:
no way. I didn't think her little nine-year-old brain would remember. If she even has one.

SlipKnotRules933111:
well, she did. Knowing her, she probably ran straight to carl.

KellyKelSoCal321:
ugh. carl just LOVES busting me. why did mom have to marry him? he's so annoying. whatever. it wasn't that late. I was in LA. Staci would spontaneously combust if she knew what I was doing.

SlipKnotRules933111:
ha ha what were you doing

KellyKelSoCal321:
nothing. auditioning to be in a pop group. it was stupid.

SlipKnotRules933111:
well, you missed the best scariest police videos last night

KellyKelSoCal321:
are you sure you're allowed to watch that? I mean dude, you're still in the system. shouldn't you be confined to only watching the Disney Channel or something? lol. wait … Mom's at my door.

KellyKelSoCal321:
ok I'm back. she's like where were you last night and I was like hanging out with tito (which is totally true)

SlipKnotRules933111:
wait she's yelling down the stairs, what does she WANT? she probably hasn't taken her medication yet today

KellyKelSoCal321:
that's not funny evan. depression is a real disease. I looked it up. and you know she doesn't want us to know about it.

SlipKnotRules933111:
whatever.

KellyKelSoCal321:
how is school anyway

SlipKnotRules933111:
this week we're doing “Anger Management” and “Taking Responsibility” and stuff but whatever.

KellyKelSoCal321:
when are you out for the summer

SlipKnotRules933111:
we aren't. delinquents like me stay in school all year. that's why carl hates me … my special education is too “expensive.”

KellyKelSoCal321:
ha ha. carl just hates me for the fun of it. dude I made it to the final round yesterday at the audition in LA. I was almost in a group! but then they cut me.

SlipKnotRules933111:
what group. what are you talking about.

KellyKelSoCal321:
in LA dipstick. I just told you. a new pop group.

SlipKnotRules933111:
like on that TV show? and you blew it?

KellyKelSoCal321:
that's a really nice way to say it. thanks a lot.

KellyKelSoCal321:
hello?

KellyKelSoCal321:
DUDE?

SlipKnotRules933111:
sorry i'm downloading. quit calling me dude.

KellyKelSoCal321:
whatever I'm signing off

SlipKnotRules933111:
i bet you were too good or something and that's why they had to vote you off. ha ha.

KellyKelSoCal321:
like i'm so good everyone else would look bad? awww. thanks dude. I think. :-) don't play with matches. later sk8r.

I worry about the kid sometimes. I mean, he doesn't have much in the way of a role model. Dad's been gone for over eight years, and mom, well, the best I can say is that she thinks she does her best. I don't know if she's ever gotten over losing dad. it was pretty sad the other night when I heard her humming to herself in the kitchen. it was “California Dreamin'” by this old group The Mamas and the Papas … and I realized she was crying. Which of course made me cry too.

that was dad's signature song. actually, it was our favorite song together. he sang melody and he taught me the harmony and we sounded pretty good. I think about that sometimes before I sleep.