Did You Read That Review ? (35 page)

By
V. Zhirinovsky “Vlad the Mad”
, April 21, 2012

Don’t order this product if you have a conscience. The unicorns in the industrial unicorn farms live in appalling conditions, in many cases worse than those of the Pegasus ranches. Don’t believe the propaganda of Lisa Frank and the other tycoons of big unicorn; all that awaits these poor creatures is the abattoir and the rainbow factory. Be ethical and buy (kosher) dragon meat instead.

26 of 27 people found the following review helpful

Wishes

By
Tim Turntine
, December 18, 2012

I can’t believe no one is talking about the WISHES!! I bought this years back thinking I’d use it for a gag. Instead I got hungry one day and decided to skip a trip to the supermarket. I popped it open and said, quote: “I wish I had a beer with this.” I opened my fridge and found a six-pack! Since then my fridge has always had a six-pack in it. I’ve won the lottery 20 times. I can breathe underwater. I have my own Batman lair, complete with the Bat Jet. I have a DeLorean time machine. I’m not sure if the wishes ever run out, but the meat is getting pretty smelly. Maybe I’ll wish for it to be forever fresh!

38 of 43 people found the following review helpful

Mmmm
…
Toasty

By
Keith Jason “CJ” Chadwick
, July 5, 2012

I’m not the typical classless moron. See, people usually slap a few sausages on the grill for dinner and call it a night. But me, I like to put in a little bit of effort. When the missus is feeling a little something something, I take her out to a special place in the country where we watch the sunrise. All I take with me are a few slices of emu steak. And when the guys are over for the big game, I’m not serving flat Coors and bland hot dogs. Nosiree, Bob. I’m watching my Lions lose in style with nachos dipped in pterodactyl chili and a cool pitcher of Loch Ness Monster Ale. The point here is, I’m no schmuck. The problem is, lately I’ve been running out of endangered/extinct/fictitious creatures to make into delectable servings. That’s why I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world when I happened upon canned unicorn meat. Hell, I put this in everything from steaks to smoothies. I even tell my vegetarian daughter it’s organic, wholesome, gluten-free, pesticide-free, PETA-approved tofu as I grind it into her salads. All I can say is, praise the lord for Canned Unicorn Meat!

19 of 21 people found the following review helpful

No Way

By
S. L. Kelly “SMLKArden”
, July 9, 2013

I have worked all of my adult life to save the unicorns because they are endangered, and here they are, all smashed up and available in can form for eating. Well, I hope you’re happy. Just so you know, the horn is highly poisonous. If there’s ground up horn in that mess and you eat it, you will die. So, if anybody has eaten this stuff and died, you should post reviews so everybody else will know about it, and maybe that will stop people from killing and canning unicorns. So there.

15 of 16 people found the following review helpful

Magically delicious

By
couchshopper
, April 24, 2012

After first putting myself on a strict diet of Unicorn Meat and Leprechaun Sneezes I only felt a light tingly sensation after a week. I was naturally skeptical of its true powers but after that first week I started to notice things that weren’t typically normal. For instance, I was asked by my brother to go get the tractor and after walking over to it I didn’t even think to get in it and drive it over I just grabbed the front of it and pulled it over with ease. Since this time I have been asked to star in numerous movies and do all my own stunts and honestly I just don’t feel this is fair to the hard working stunt men of our time so I am cutting back on my daily diet of Unicorn Meat and switching to Gargoyle breath. Overall a wonderful product but maybe just a bit too strong for its own good.

17 of 19 people found the following review helpful

LIFE CHANGING!

By
yamaguchim
, February 13, 2013

As a human who’s diet strictly consists of meat from mythical creatures, this product is life changing. Now unicorn meat is produced and shipped to my house, I can now live somewhat of a normal life. Before this ingenious invention I had to move constantly. Unicorns are not only fast gallopers and flyers but they also migrate every week. Every week I would have to repack and lug my unicorn hunting gear to my customized unicorn hunting jet. Just like any hunter wearing camouflage clothing, I too must camouflage with my environment. Because unicorns most often reside in the clouds I have to camouflage myself into a cloud. I dyed my hair white and custom made a cloud costume made of 5,000 cotton balls. My custom made plane is also covered with over 50 million cotton balls to remain unnoticed in the clouds. To attract the unicorns I have to dispense at least 50 pounds of glitter into the sky. This is all very tedious work. This also gives me no time for social activities. I currently have no friends and have never met someone who shares the same dietary needs. However, now that I can easily ship unlimited amounts of unicorn meat to my house I have time to live a normal life!

Customer Questions & Answers

Does the unicorn meat contain unicorn blood, and if so, should I strain it out before eating it? I don’t want to live a cursed half-life.

I didn’t detect any blood. If your life is cursed, don’t blame the unicorn.

Sharon Bernstein
answered on July 10, 2013

No blood. Just rainbows and stardust.

And a little blood
…

Jeffrey D. Bell
answered on July 10, 2013

I would get an Aztec priest to bless one potato that you must eat raw before you consume the meat, just to make certain you will be immune to eating such a potent meat-product. It’s not the blood of the unicorn you should worry about, it’s tiny fragments of the horn which will cause you and any children you will have to lead cursed lives. Happy thoughts
…

Thomas Murray
answered on July 10, 2013

Does anyone know if this unicorn meat is gluten free?

Unicorn meat is naturally gluten free, but it is not processed in a gluten-free facility, so there might be some cross contamination. Eat at your own risk.

Melody H.
answered on July 9, 2013