Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (94 page)

[Using alcohol in an enema solution] comes up from time to time. It is an activity that I try to convince people not to do, mainly because it is absorbed very, very quickly through the rectum. Also, it’s a solution that seems to be really irritating to your intestinal tissues. There’ve been reports in literature of people ending up in the hospital with rectal bleeding and all sorts of not-so-fun things.

There seems to be a real strong overlap between the people who are into enemas and the people who are into spanking. I see that a lot more than people who are into what I’ll call, for lack of a better term, general D&S-type activity.

I’m pretty shy about telling women of my interests, to tell you the truth. It’s not something that I could do with someone that I’m going out with casually. There’d have to be some element of trust there and some sort of a continuing relationship before I would bring it up.

It usually takes people back a little bit. I’ve probably brought this up eight times in my life, and I would say six of those times, the response was, “You’ve got to be kidding! There’s no way you are going to do that to me.” The other two times were a little different. One person was into some D&S activities—she kind of enjoyed punishment scenarios and being spanked, and it didn’t take much to convince her that this might be something that was fun. And it turned out that it was very workable. I don’t think she really liked the physical sensations. I think she found it a little bit embarrassing the first couple of times, in fact, but it did turn her on, and it really wasn’t difficult to convince her that this was something that we were going to do occasionally. It was a good relationship.

The other [woman’s] response was basically, “I’ll try anything once.” We got about halfway through a bag before she called it quits, and she didn’t want to do it again. Of those who were not interested in being given enemas, there were a few who had no problems with giving them to me. It wasn’t a matter of, “This is a totally disgusting habit,” or “This is something I’m squeamish about,” [but] “It’s just something I don’t want done to me.”

Obviously I was disappointed, because this is an activity that I really enjoy doing. On the other hand—and maybe this is a little bit of a sense of lack of self-esteem on my part—I pretty much just accepted it as the way it was. Most people are probably not going to like this activity, and it’s not something that I’m going to force on anybody. [But] not one of them wanted to stop seeing me because of my interest. I think that’s one reason,
especially when I was younger, that I was really reluctant to bring this up: I was afraid of rejection [and that] I was going to be labeled as a kinky, undesirable person, and that she was going to disappear forever. It hasn’t happened with me. In fact, we’ve had several discussions in the group where people will talk about experiences they’ve had bringing up golden showers, enemas, whatever. By and large, I think people’s fear is far more dramatic than the reality.

There have been some limited discussions in the section where people have been concerned about what kind of disease could be transmitted through these activities. I think the golden-shower people probably bring it up more often than the enema people. It’s funny, because I think if either of those folks are at risk, the enema people are, if they share enema equipment. It is best for everybody to have their own.

If I had only two choices now—vanilla [or] submissive, I would go back to being submissive. I realized that it was not whether you were dominant or submissive—it was the game that I was interested in. One might add the game doesn’t seem like a game when one is playing it; it seems very real when you’re involved in it. My experience has been very positive as a practitioner.

Back in 1979 I was giving a lecture at the University of Maryland to a creative-writing class, and there [was] a gentleman in the audience who, although I didn’t know at the time, was a dominant transvestite. We started dating and fell in love, and he gradually exposed me to this. Before I knew it, I became his sex-love slave and loved it. [But] he got very sick [and] decided that he didn’t want to get married—we had been planning marriage. Also, my son was very sick, and my ex-husband decided he didn’t want the children anymore, so I [needed more space]. Because the kids were coming back, I decided to move to New Mexico. There I put an ad in a local Albuquerque magazine, met a wonderful man named Bob, and we ended up getting married. He was not into S&M. [We] thought I could just sort of shake the obsession, but I found the further away from it I was forced to be because of marriage, familial obligations, and such, the more obsessed with it I became. After several years of marriage, Bob suggested that we have an open marriage.

I got 36 responses [to a personal] ad. It read something like, “Attractive female writer, age 33, new to Albuquerque, seeks …” and then I had a list of adjectives: intelligent, sane, reliable,
et cetera
. At the very end, I put “domineering man.” I didn’t even know the word dominant. Except for one lawyer, who wrote [that] he was into spanking, they all wrote that they were everything that I wanted [except] domineering. I concluded at that point that
it was going to be difficult to find another dominant man. Five years later, when my husband and I broke up, I placed an ad for a submissive man. I wanted a love slave. That ad said, “Attractive, dominant female seeks submissive, obedient, gentleman, nonsmoker, nonweirdo, nondruggie, for kinky love.”

I got 170 responses to that ad. I was shocked. That was the first notion that I ever had that there were probably millions of us out there.

One of the men [who replied to my ad] gave me a book by Dr. Gini Graham Scott,
Erotic Power
. I read the book in one or two sittings, and my jaw was hanging open to think that there were organizations for people like me. As soon as I read the [term]
support group
, I knew I was going to form my own group. I realized that I [had] tapped into something very basic. As I go along, I continue to realize that the submissive fantasy is within all of us, probably. And with men it runs very deep.

An amazing thing I’ve come to realize over the years is that most women have no idea what men are really thinking sexually. There are husbands who call me up for female domination, and most of [their wives] have no idea that their husbands want to have the women tie them up or give them enemas. They just think they’re nice family men who are dominant [at home], lawyers or doctors. My feeling is that if you can tap into that submissive aspect of a man, you can control everything about that man. I was beginning to come in touch with that when I got those 170 responses. A year and a half later I was still getting letters from that advertisement.

I personally hold the greatest respect for the submissive man. I don’t think there’s anything meek or wimpy about [him]. I think [for him] to accept and embrace his disposition, even if he only accepts it on a mental level and never tells anyone about it, means he is a very strong individual. He’s going against the whole dictate of society, because from birth, the dictate is the opposite: protector, family man, dominant.

PEP [People Exchanging Power] started out as a support group in Albuquerque for people who were interested in D&S and erotic love relationships, and then it turned into a network of support groups. They can get counseling from me or from other women, and in the future we’ll probably have men. You can call for counseling or if you want an S&M experience over the phone. And there’s my professional domination.

My background is in education; I have a Master’s in education. Before I started PEP, I did a lot of volunteer work with cancer patients. I have a handicapped child, and my other child was very difficult to raise. So I got involved with Tough Love groups. It was like a natural outgrowth of this kind of altruism that I believe was left over from my hippie days. From early memory I’ve also had a need or desire to control things.

[I’ve] only done one golden shower, and I loved it. I’m a little wary of doing other [water sports], I guess because of my own inhibitions. When I do enemas, I’m always giving. Now, personally, I’m an enema addict. I do two, three, four enemas a day. It also turns me on when I give it to men.

The golden-shower scene is very popular with men. I would say probably 80 percent to 90 percent of the men I talk to have some sort of urine fantasy. Of course, most of the men that I talk to are admittedly submissive, and they’re calling for some form of domination. [Of] the men I talk to, maybe 30 percent are into enemas. In terms of brown showers, it’s less than five percent.

Lately, I’ve been doing something really interesting over the phone. I tell the man to get an enema bag filled with hot water and one cup of coffee. The water should be a little bit hotter than body temperature. This is usually someone that I’ve done before over the phone. I have him insert maybe a cup or a cup and a half of the enema water. And then … well, I used to teach Transcendental Meditation for years, along with the Mahareeshi around the globe. I also took the est training, and I had my second child under hypnosis, so I’m interested in that sort of stuff. I have been meditating for 21 years, every day, twice a day. So over the years I’ve concocted this technique: It’s a compilation of [things]—a little bit of TM, a little bit of the est, and a little bit of hypnosis. I put [the submissive] into this relaxed state, and I introduce sexual components into the visualization, if you will. After about half an hour of very deep relaxation, where I’m having them visualize various sexual things, I have them, at the very end, empty the rest of the enema bag of water. I tell them exactly when and how to come. I tell them that I want them to have a whole-body orgasm.

This is my definition of whole-body orgasm: when you don’t feel it just at the head of your little dick; you feel it in the head, the shaft, the base, your balls, your ass, your tits, you feel it everywhere. You feel it in your heart, your soul, your mind. I want them to have a whole-body orgasm, where they’re totally oblivious. They’ve got a whole belly of enema water in them, and the coffee gives them a rush; it increases the peristaltic beat. Then I tell them to play with their dicks. Sometimes I’ll tell them to do it in a certain fashion, to use panties or to use a light stroke or a firm stroke. I say, “I want every drop. Don’t you dare hold back.” That’s how I sometimes use enemas with my clients on the phone.

Last night I had a gentleman here who was a big baby. [He] does a double session with me—four hours—and he has a big, long colon tube; it’s about two feet long. I ran that up him all the way. He dressed like a baby, and I used Dr. Bonner’s peppermint soap instead of coffee, which also gives really intense cramping and cleans you out very well. I didn’t do a whole lot
with him. It wasn’t very exciting. It’s not really a D&S situation with him. He’s more like a friend who pays me to dominate him; it’s more like with a baby. He’s wearing diapers.

I have a straitjacket now that I can utilize with people. [So] sometimes I combine [it] with a bit of bondage, certainly humiliation. Sometimes I’ll give the enema and make [a man] lick me. I don’t typically get involved in that intimate a fashion with someone who’s in a professional relationship with me, although I have a few people who are very special to me. Very often I’ll have them masturbate for me. I’ll fill them with enema water and make them kneel, assume the position, or lie there in a semifetal position.

[One doctor’s] research determined that the type of humiliation that men typically enjoy—which would be the type that an enema would supply—is not usually the type that most women go for. Men like being denigrated. Women might be displayed naked in front of a group of men—or women, for that matter—but usually their display is to enhance their femininity. So whereas a man might be displayed naked and have women pointing at his penis, “Oh, look how small, how useless!” a woman would be displayed for the opposite purpose—the revering of her femininity, of her body.

When I was submissive I felt myself to be out of control. I had to be manipulative and figuring out ways that I could get little bits of control here and there in my life. With my partner, and as a dominant, I now have a new sense of humility. I am so humbled by the experience of being dominant, to have people turn their lives over to me, and to have so many men truly love me. Not that they want to leave their wives or marry me, but that they feel a sense of gratitude that I have really made a change in their lives. Whenever I do a telephone session, at the end I usually will say, “I love you,” or “Lots of love to you,” or “I wish you love.” It’s not that I want to leave my husband and marry that person and take him to all the family Bar Mitzvahs. But at that moment I can truly talk about love with that person and mean it wholeheartedly.

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