Duality: Vol 1, Melancholia (A New Adult Paranormal Romance) (32 page)

“Where was I?” I said, trying to get my bearings while waiting for the sappy feelings to pass by.  I was afraid a tear might leak out and then I’d just get pissed.

Rae’s soft voice came to me, making me look over.  I couldn’t ignore her anymore.

“You were saying that you have a problem too.  Like me.”

“I do have a problem, but it’s not like you.  Actually, it’s the opposite of you.”  I searched her face for recognition of our dilemma, the fact that we could not possibly be together, but there was nothing there.  Just an openness.  A desire to hear what I had to say.  Something that felt like a shard of glass twisted in my heart, making it painful to breathe.  I pushed past it with effort and continued my story.  “Certain people are drawn to me.  People who are sad or depressed.  And when they get around me, they get worse.  Way worse.”

“What do you mean?” asked Jasmine.

“I mean, they get … dark.  My mom was the first one.  Then my dad.”

“Aw, come on, man!  You can’t blame your two-year-old self for your mother’s suicide!  That’s just mental.”  Kootch had made it a whole minute not talking.

Jasmine slapped him in the face with a pillow.  He closed his eyes and said nothing.

“My father was next,” I explained.  “And then foster parents, foster siblings, and neighbors … anyone who spent too much time with me and got too close either died or made themselves very sick or hurt themselves.  After I finally figured out it was me causing all the pain, I made sure they moved me around a lot.”

“How’d you do that?” asked Rae, her eyes full of pity.

I don’t know why, but her sympathy made me feel better.  No one had ever felt sorry for me that I could remember.  “I just made sure to suggest to people who were getting … dark … that they could call the social worker on my file and get me moved.  The ones who didn’t want to be depressed would jump on the idea.  The ones who were more attracted to the idea of darkness, well, I had to report things myself.  It was easy.  Drugs in the house, abuse, weapons, things the system frowns on.”

“Dude, that is so messed up, I don’t even know where to begin.”  Kootch didn’t look quite as skeptical now.

I hadn’t even told them the worst of it, and I wasn’t going to.  Not now and not ever.  No one would ever know that stuff but me.  I carried the memories around, refusing to let myself forget, so that at least
someone
would remember those who’d suffered because of me.  If not me, then who?  No one deserves to be forgotten forever.

“So anyone who comes near you wants to die, is that it?” asked Jasmine.

“No, not everyone.”

“Not Jasmine,” said Rae, sounding less sad and more confident.  “She’s a Neutral.”

We all looked at Rae.  I had no idea what she was talking about.

“Neutral?  What’s a neutral?” asked Jasmine.  She looked happy about the idea.

“A Neutral is a person who isn’t affected by me.  I’ve met only a few in my life.  They just kind of seem oblivious to it all.”

“So, you’ve had some friends,” I said, unable to keep the envy out of my voice.

“No,” she said, sad again.  “They’ll hang around for a few days or weeks at the most.  One made it a whole month and a half.  But then the Rainbows descend and the Neutrals start getting mad at all the attention I get, and they start blaming me, saying I flirt or ask for it or whatever.  It’s jealousy or frustration, I don’t know.  They always leave, though.  It’s the Rainbows I can’t get rid of.”

“And you hide in the bathroom,” I said, so quiet I wasn’t sure she’d heard me.

“Yes.  I hide in the bathroom.”  She smiled at me tenderly, and I swear I felt my heart melt a little as it warmed under her blue-eyed gaze.

And then I remembered her story.  She makes people love her.  She can’t help it.  It’s just a power she has, and people can’t control how they feel when they’re around her.

I wanted to be sick, right there on the floor. 
This isn’t real.  What I’m feeling for her isn’t really me.  It’s her!
  I broke my gaze away from her achingly beautiful face and stared at my shoes.  It felt like someone had punched me in the gut, making it hard for me to breathe.  This was like the worst joke the universe had ever played on me.  All this time I’d thought being an agent of darkness was bad, awful, terrible; but this … this was worse.  Much worse.  I finally found a girl I like, who I thought I could hang with … and it turns out I probably don’t even really like her at all.  She’s hypnotized me.  I’m just another prick, hot after her ass because she’s literally irresistible.  I laughed bitterly at myself.  I’d been so stupid.

“What’s wrong?” Jasmine asked.  “You have an ugly look on your face.”

“Dude’s got gas,” said Kootch.  “Bathroom’s down that hall, on the right.”  He gestured to the place where Rae had gone earlier.

“Shut up, Kootch,” I said, sounding tired.  I was exhausted.  Not just from the running from cops and Derek, but from the emotional upheaval too.  Being a shadow was much easier; interacting with people and trying to fit in was completely draining.

“I know why he looks like that,” said Jasmine, looking way too smug.

“Oh, yeah?  Why don’t you fill us in on your theory, Sherlock,” said Kootch.  “But before you do, why don’t you run along to the kitchen and get me a Ding Dong.”

She stood, talking as she walked to the other room.  “What we have here is a yin and a yang, people.  This is nature doing a delicate balancing act.”  The sound of a cupboard slamming shut came out into the room.  “See, Malcolm, he’s the yin.  He’s the darkness, the shadows, the void.  And Rae?  She’s the yang.  She’s the light, the thing that uncovers the shadows and fills the void.  Get it?”  She came out of the kitchen a box of vintage Hostess cakes in it.  She put it down on the table, gesturing to it.  “Help yourselves before Kootch gets his grubby paws all over them.”

I shook my head, sure I’d be even sicker if I ate that much sugar right now.  Rae also declined, but Kootch leaned over and pulled out two packages, resting one in his lap while he opened the other noisily.

I wanted to pay attention to what Jasmine was saying, I knew it was important, but watching Kootch eat a Ding Dong was like seeing a train wreck in slow motion.  I couldn’t look away.   I cringed at the horrific scene before me.

Jasmine could tell I was distracted.  “Did you hear what I said?  Malcolm?”  She looked over at Kootch.  “Oh, for chrissake, Kootch.”  She turned to me.  “See what I mean?  He is totally licking dick right now, is he not?”

Kootch froze with his tongue sticking out, on its second trip up the side of the Ding Dong.  He quickly pulled his tongue in.  “Shut it, Butts.”  And then he shoved the cake into his mouth whole.  “See?  Gone.  Done.”  He waved at me.  “Keep going.  This shit is getting real.”  Several brown cake crumbs came flying out of his mouth.

Jasmine leaned over the edge of the couch and came back with a Dustbuster in her hand.  She flicked it on and vacuumed Kootch’s crotch for a few seconds before turning it off again and looking at me expectantly, lowering the small machine to the floor by her leg.

I guess I was supposed to pretend she hadn’t just vacuumed Kootch’s crotch and continue with my story, but I just couldn’t.  I started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Jasmine asked.

Rae started giggling next to me.

“What?” asked Kootch.  “Is it the vacuum thing?”  he grinned big.  “Oh, you don’t even
know. 
Jasmine?  OCD all the way, man.  Dude, just wait.  You’ll see.”

“Just because I don’t wallow in filth, doesn’t mean I’m OCD,” she said, frowning at him.

“How often do you change your toothbrush?” Kootch asked, staring at the ceiling, a smile barely concealed under a fake-serious face.  He held up a single finger.

“Once a week.  Just like any normal person.  There are millions of germs that gather there and grow while you’re at school, you know.  They reach critical mass and you have to protect yourself.”

“Aaaaand how often do you change your sheets?”  He held up a second finger.

“Every single day, like normal people who aren’t pigs.  Do you have any idea how many mites and other crap are living in your bed?”

“Aaaaand how many times to you check doors and lights after you go to bed?”  He put up a third finger.

Jasmine rolled her eyes.  “Safety!  Security!  I want to live until I’m at least twenty!  That requires a minimum of three checks, just to be sure none were forgotten and no one messed with them while I was checking other places!  Duh!”

He tipped his head back down and looked at Rae and then me.  “I could do this all night, but I think you get the picture.”  He jabbed a thumb in Jasmine’s direction.  “She’s been vacuuming invisible crumbs and mites and God knows what else off my body for ten years. 
Ten years
.  This all started when she was five.  The day she kicked me off her swing set and never let me back on it.”

“That is
not
what happened, and you
know
it!” she shrieked, hitting him in the face with her pillow again.

“Do you guys think we could go back to the yin and yang thing?” asked Rae.  “It’s the first thing that anyone’s ever said to me that makes any sense.”

Rae’s hopeful expression was killing me.  She wanted answers, a solution.  Maybe for her there’d be some, but for me, it was hopeless.  No matter what I understood about my problem, it wouldn’t change the fact that people who got too close to me died.  Love was a death sentence with me, and I didn’t want anymore blood on my hands.  There was already so much there that I’d never be able to wash it all off, even with a lifetime of scrubbing and praying for forgiveness.

“Okay, as I was saying, yin and yang.  Nature in balance.”  Jasmine looked at me, passion taking over her voice.  “Haven’t you noticed that when you’re together, you and Rae, Kootch acts kind of normal?”

I looked at Kootch, whose face was all puffed out because of the second Ding Dong he’d just shoved in his mouth.  Jasmine quickly grabbed the vacuum and sucked up the few crumbs that escaped onto his chest.

Rae was staring at him too.  “He looks better now, actually.  Since Malcolm came in and punched him in the face.”

“Yeah, I think it was the punch that did it for me,” said Kootch, talking around the food.  He swallowed hard.  “A punch to the face always calms me down.”

“No, it wasn’t the punch,” argued Jasmine.  “It was Malcolm coming in here.  Maybe him touching Kootch made it happen faster, but it was happening anyway.”

Kootch frowned.  “You’re acting like I’m easy to manipulate.”

“You and everyone else.  Except for me of course.”  Jasmine smiled and fluffed her hair.  “I’m a Neutral.”  She started jiving in her seat.  “Can’t touch this, dah, nah, nah-nah .. nah-nah … nah-nah.  Can’t touch this.”

“Neutral my ass,” said Kootch under his breath.

I thought about what she was saying.  I didn’t know anything about this yin or yang thing, but I did know that today was the first time I’d been able to hang around Kootch without him smothering me.  And not only that, people were acting different.  They were leaving us alone.  Whenever Rae and I were together, people treated us like we weren’t even there.  A flush crept up my neck as I realized that I never thought about hiding in a bathroom when Rae was around.  There wasn’t any need to.

Rae was frowning.  She had to be running through memories, just like I was.  Looking up at me, she had what appeared to be hope in her eyes.  “The cop,” she said, staring at me.

I shrugged my shoulders a little, not knowing where she was going with this.

She bounced a little in her seat.  “The cop!”

I shook my head.  “The cop, what?”

“You’re the reason why everything got messed up!”

I leaned back into my chair, my heart sinking.  Now she got it.  Now she knew.  I’m always the reason things get messed up.  I turned around and looked at the door, wondering how long it would take me to get home from here.

Chapter Thirty: Rae

IT ALL FINALLY MADE SENSE.  Why the police officer had snapped out of Rainbowland so quickly.  Why we’d been able to play basketball in gym class.  Why we’d been having so much fun at that party!

“The cop!” I said, barely able to contain myself.  This thing was real.  Jasmine was onto something amazing, I knew she was.

Malcolm just shrugged at me, like he either didn’t get it or didn’t care, but that did nothing to dampen my enthusiasm.  For the first time I had real hope, something I could grab onto.

I bounced like a little kid, the spring in the seat throwing me up with almost no effort on my part.  “The cop!”  Pretty soon I was going to squeal.  I could feel it bubbling up inside me.  The joy.  The excitement.  I so rarely allowed those emotions in my life because they were so dangerous for others, but here, I was safe.  I could be happy and it wouldn’t hurt anyone, all because of Malcolm!

He frowned at me.  “The cop,
what?”

“You’re the reason why everything got messed up!”  I was so
happy
he’d messed it up.  Now I had proof that what Jasmine said was right.

Malcolm looked so sad all of a sudden, I had to dial my excitement back and think about what I’d just said. 
Oops.

“No,
I don’t mean it like that.  Not messed up.  What I mean is that I had this plan and you came up and ruined the plan.”

“That’s so much better.  Thanks,” said Malcolm, rolling his eyes, resting the side of his head on his fingers, his elbow propped up on the arm of the chair.

I jumped up from my seat and came over, kneeling down by his right side.  I stared him in the face, placing my hand on his arm.  He couldn’t look away; I wouldn’t let him.

“I had that cop in a trance.  I can do that if I try really hard.  I can make someone forget everything.”

His face darkened and he looked down pointedly at my hand on his forearm.  “Like you’re doing with me right now?”

I frowned, taken aback by his tone.  “No.  I’m not doing anything to you now.  I don’t think I even could if I wanted to.”