Edward Van Halen: A Definitive Biography (34 page)

Audience member: We love ya, Ed!

EVH: And I love you. You know what I’m talkin’—that’s right, there’s nothin’ new right now because I guarantee what I’m givin’ you. I don’t want you buying anything with my name or the Peavey name on it that’s gonna break on your ass. Y’know what I mean? [Ed shrugs and sits back, and then he steps to the mic.] “And this won’t.”

[He does a slide up and down the neck of the guitar on the microphone stand a la Hendrix, but follows with a violent strike to the microphone stand, banging the neck of the guitar against the stand with alarmingly blunt force. He hits two chords that are still in tune, and stops abruptly after the thrashing. There is some awkward laughter from the crowd.] I don’t know what else to do. [He talks briefly to the audience before again returning to playing improvised material. He stops playing again.] Now I wish I’d fucked with that dude. [He now takes a drink of what appears to be a dark-colored drink in a small, clear plastic cup.]

Audience member: Can I leave the thing for ya?

EVH: Leave the thing. [Ed then goes into a complete mock blues performance, complete with over-the-top grinding vocals.] “It’s hot in here! I do believe I need some air! I said it’s hot in here! I do believe I need some air!” How do you feel about that? [He then sits down and continues to noodle and concludes with a big shrug.] I swear… when we’re done with the shit we’re workin’ on… and we’re working 25 hours a day on this shit. It’s a waste of time sitting here talking to you punk asses… [The room immediately seized up with thick tension.] What’re you talkin’ like—man, I’m kidding! [Edward forces a laugh to ease the tension in the room, and he stands.] I just wanna thank you for being here, just trying to show that cloning does work,
’
cause Ed? He’s dead. [He makes a sleeping gesture with this head, and answers some question with a remark about a fish tank.] Hey, I love you guys, thanks for being here. We will not let you down. And… I will take care of autographs, all that bullshit, next time. OK? [He shakes a few hands for a bit and acknowledges a few people.] Until next time. [He starts to exit but quickly returns for the black bag he’s brought with him. Then he exits. The spectacle is over.]

The poster of the seven-part YouTube series of videos, nobrownmnms, included the following in his description of Ed’s appearance:

Not only did he get on stage two and one half hours late, he spent all that time drinking red wine in the Peavey NAMM booth angrily lambasting the Peavey ownership and executive staff about how fucked up EVERYONE else was, except him. I’ve seen some pretty ugly displays of egotistical drunken anger and animosity, both onstage and off, but this was one of the all time worst displays of a Rock Star Behaving Badly, as Edward had NO consideration for his endorsement deal at that time, but worst of all, he had NO consideration or regard for his fans. He was in such bad shape, that when I finally shook his hand after the performance, I looked at his almost dead skin, matted hair and yellow teeth and I really thought he was going to die within the year. The fact that he has made it this far proves that the human body is an incredibly resistant machine. It’s a shame, since Edward’s late father was also a life-long alcoholic. I hope, pray—and I am not a religious guy—that Edward gets his act together one day and puts out new music soon, and on a consistent basis.

“I
just
wanna
thank
you
for
being
here,
just
trying
to
show
that
cloning
does
work,
’
cause
Ed?
He’s
dead.”

That last line was way, way too close to a Hendrix or Cobain quote than anyone ever wanted to hear. Ian Christie noted, “The reaction to Eddie’s appearance and behavior was a mix of pity and anger.”

I exchanged e-mails with James Brown, the Peavey rep who had tried to keep Edward cordial. I empathized with his circumstance, and he said, “Thanks for your compliments. It means a lot… . I’m just glad he’s better now.” When I asked James flatly what exactly was going on that day, he simply told me, “I think the video speaks for itself!”

CHAPTER 37 

Sowing the Seeds
of a Spectacular Failure

God only knows what forces conspired to bring Edward together with Limp Bizkit in the spring of 2003, even if it was for only one jam session. The flash-in-the-pan rap-rock band was abandoned by guitarist Wes Borland, and they were looking for a replacement and filling time. So paths crossed and Edward ended up over at their rehearsal spot for a day’s worth of jamming, and who knows what else.
MTV
News
reported an article including the line “After auditioning as many as 11 guitarists, including none other than Eddie Van Halen…”

“When Eddie jammed with the band, they reined in their typical down-tuned rap metal and played sharp hard rock in the vein of classic Van Halen,” said Ian Christie. “The real-life mash-up was a tear in the fabric of the rock universe.” He continued, “The story grew strange, however, when Eddie allegedly returned to the rehearsal area twenty minutes after leaving, agitated, and looking for his guitar. They insisted he had taken it with him, but he persisted in grilling them suspiciously.” Some rumors were much uglier (loose reports of big bodyguards and firearms), although they are currently unsubstantiated. A half-assed version of “You Really Got Me” by the band Camp Freddy with Fred Durst on vocals appeared on YouTube in 2008.

Edward effectively went completely into hibernation in 2003. Red wine had become his drink of choice, and he began drinking straight out of the bottle, just treating the wine as if it was a big bottle of beer. This habit began to wreak havoc on his teeth. Soon they were stained, and worse, his back teeth were simply rotting. His beverage of choice was Smoking Loon—an unflattering brand name laced with vicious irony.

In April, Sammy released a live solo album. Contributing bass and vocals on one track was Michael Anthony. And as if to stick it to Edward even more, Gary Cherone was even featured on a track with Sammy and Michael all together. There’s a message there. Obviously, all those guys can get along together, so what’s Eddie’s problem? It’s all his fault, right?

The problem here with Sammy is that he has almost to a fault never given Edward any rope for being an alcoholic, a man that needed serious help and needed to be steered in the right direction by every single person that cared for him. Valerie had tried, but failed. Alex seemed numb to the whole thing. Michael Anthony was living day to day in his own world—and Sammy’s world—and wouldn’t have had any influence over Ed any way.

But Sammy Hagar, the son of an alcoholic himself, treated Edward’s alcoholism with an outdated mindset—that the alcoholic had only themselves to blame and there would be no problem if they could just stop drinking. But alcoholics are called alcoholics because they cannot process or handle alcohol like “normal” people do. Alcoholics metabolize alcohol much faster than an average drinker—the initial spike of rush of alcohol to the brain is not like what normal drinkers experience. Alcohol is far more akin to cocaine that way. It’s a bell curve for normal people. It’s a series of spikes for alcoholics—and each spike requires more and more and more until you pass out or make yourself sick. No one would
purposefully
do that to themselves. No one would actually
want
to do that to themselves.

Alcoholics are genetically predisposed to metabolize alcohol differently, period. It is a disease the same way diabetes is a disease. You cannot wish it away no more than you can diabetes or even diarrhea. It has been proven that the rate of metabolism in alcohol varies by racial lines, and it is commonly understood that Asian and Native American peoples metabolize alcohol faster than other racial groups. The power of alcohol ends up being stronger than the power of your own brain to overcome it. Few things are that strong and addictive, but alcohol is one of them. And—as a recovering alcoholic myself—I do know what I’m talking about, unfortunately. As a by-product of the heavy onset of the disease, Ed let himself go. He let the house go. He let his hygiene go. He rarely bathed or changed clothes.

Michael Anthony revealed in a June interview that he hadn’t spoken to Edward or Alex in over a year at that time. He also said that he knew they were clearly unhappy with him sticking with Sammy. He had reason to hold hope though… for one more insane go-around.

The
Rolling
Stone
Insult

One of the most insulting acts in the history of Edward’s career was perpetuated by
Rolling
Stone
magazine in August of 2003 when they came up with their own list of the top 100 guitarists of all time. It was no surprise to anyone that Jimi was ranked #1, in fact, everyone was very cool with that. I know I was. I recall having the issue in my hands and started scanning for Eddie’s name. He was not in the top 10, several of which were suspect. Then it began to get ridiculous. Not even in the top 20, not even in the top 50. Ed was listed at #70! Joni Mitchell, the absolutely amazing guitar genius (
ahem
), was at #72. I remember feeling like it was something done on purpose, as in “make sure Eddie Van Halen is nowhere near the top of the list.” An outright public insult and a journalistic disgrace. Just eight years prior, in April of 1995,
Rolling
Stone
had called him “the single most admired, influential, revolutionary guitar slinger of his generation.”

Two Guys from Iowa

Just before Thanksgiving, a morning radio duo out of Davenport, Iowa—Dwyer and Michaels (Greg Dwyer and Bill Michaels of Q106.5 FM)—somehow got a hold of Ed’s phone number and called him up at random. They were surprised that he actually answered, even though Eddie was quite agitated upon first receiving their call. However, as the conversation progressed, Ed warmed up to the pair and let his guard down. Eventually, Ed would welcome their calls with grace and good humor. The radio duo became Edward’s principal speaking outlet between 2003 and 2006; he spoke to them on six different occasions.

Dwyer and Michaels speak over each other so often and sound so similar that both of their dialogs have been consolidated into simply one voice, “DJ,” for the remainder of the text. All of their interviews with Ed are for the most part intact. Most edits were simply made for readability and flow. Excerpts from the spontaneous November 25, 2003 interview follow with commentary

EVH: [Ed’s phone is ringing. He answers with music blaring in the background.] Hello?!

DJ: Eddie! Hey!

EVH: Who is this?

DJ: This is Dwyer and Michaels from Q106 radio.

EVH: Got the wrong number. [He comes off quite serious.]

DJ: Oh, come on.

EVH: Hey, man…

DJ: Come on…

EVH: I’m workin’.

DJ: Everybody’s callin’ us—

EVH: I’m
workin’
. [Agitated.]

DJ: I realize that. Can you tell us anything?

EVH: Nope. [Terse.]

DJ: Can you tell us anything more than “nope”? [Awkward laughter.]

EVH: The N, or the O?

DJ: [Laughter.] Will we be surprised and happy—

EVH: Two simple letters: N-O.

DJ: Will we be happy in—

EVH:
Nothing
to say. [Agitated.]

DJ: Come on!

EVH: I don’t say
anything
until it’s done.

DJ: How big is the stage setup gonna be for the, for the summer tour?

EVH: Goodbye now… What summer?

DJ: We’re dyin’ here, Ed. You understand?

EVH: Well, that ain’t my problem.

DJ: Alright… [Sounding resigned.]

EVH: I’m cancer-free, well alive, and makin’ a lot of music. Sorry I can’t help ya.

DJ: That’s alright. That’s okay, we understand. We had to ask. We’re dyin’ to know.

EVH: Hey, you know, you can ask all you want, you’re gonna get one or two answers. Yes, or N-O. [Laughs—his mood has lightened.]

DJ: Um, it sounded like you were playing music in the background. Is that new stuff?

EVH: Yeah.

DJ: New stuff you’re workin’ on?

EVH: Yeah. It’s just me. I’m playin’ drums, guitars—I’m doing everything.

DJ: Can you give us a riff?

EVH: Huh?

DJ: Can you give us one sample riff?

EVH: [Slight pause.] No.

DJ: [Laughter.] At least he didn’t say “nope.”

EVH: No riff before it’s time.

DJ: There will be no riff before it’s time.

EVH: That’s right.

DJ: Alright, we understand, but we wanted to check.

EVH: It will be a fat, motherfuckin’ cabernet.

DJ: Really? Ohh… We’ll bring it. We’ll we’re looking forward to anything, my friend.

EVH: Hey, it’s gonna be good.

DJ: You promise that, huh?

EVH: Come on. What do you think I’ve been doing for the last four years?

DJ: Well, we haven’t heard a whole lot. You’re healthy and everything, right?

EVH: Yeah, makin’ music.

DJ: Yeah. Are you antsy to get back out on the road?

EVH: You know, I got a hip replacement, uh…

DJ: Hey, you were always hip to us.

EVH: Nah, I got a total titanium hip. Uh, Valerie and I are gettin’ along better now that we’re divorced. [Laughter.]

DJ: Now, wait a second. Did you hear the thing about now she has a crush on Mike Wallace?

EVH: Oh, yeah.

DJ: What’s that all about?

EVH: Fuck if I care, she ain’t my wife any more, it doesn’t matter. [Laughs.]

DJ: She wants to date an 85-year-old guy and pull an Anna Nicole, that’s fine by you.

EVH: Well, maybe she’ll like me when I’m that old.

DJ: [Laughter.] But the hip is good, the tongue is good. You’re ready to go.

EVH: No cancer. I got an amazing son.

DJ: Yeah?

EVH: This cat is more talented than anyone I’ve ever met.

DJ: Really? What’s his, what’s his chosen instrument?

EVH: Umm, drums, keyboards, guitar, bass, and sings like a mofo.

DJ: Really?

EVH: I swear to God.

DJ: So the rumors about Sammy are not—

EVH: Are you recording this?
’
Cause, you know, I’m sayin’ some things here that, it’s like, you know—when the his balls drop…

DJ: [Lots of laughter.]

EVH: Hey, he’s gonna be my lead singer.

DJ: [Laughter.]

EVH: This motherfucker can play anything, and can sing his ass off.

DJ: Is he all self taught?