Edward Van Halen: A Definitive Biography (37 page)

DJ: Sorry, man.

EVH: No, I think my message machine, so I got, I got the whole thing on tape, too.

DJ: OK. [Laughter.] I hope we don’t sound stupid.

EVH: You or me?

DJ: [Laughter.] Us. I’m worried about us.

EVH: No, but, let me finish real quick. To what I was saying about the necklace—is Wolfie goes, “Oh, Dad”—’cause he picked it out—OK?

DJ: Yup.

EVH: And Valerie didn’t wanna give it to me, she thought it was little too, uh, over-the-top, beyond gay kinda deal, you know?

DJ: [Laughter.]

EVH: And… I said beyond gay, not gay.

DJ: I understand.

EVH: Gay’s okay, beyond gay? I don’t know.

DJ: OK.

EVH: But um, so anyway I say, “Let me at least see it.” So I look at it and I put it on, she goes, “I can’t believe it, it actually looks good on you.” [Laughter.] And Wolfie goes, “See! I told ya he’d like it!”

DJ: [Laughter.] Awesome. Are you wearing it right now?

EVH: Yeah.

DJ: Cool. Well listen, I hope you understand our curiosity and I sure appreciate your talking to us but, umm, well, you know the level of interest in this whole story.

EVH: I really don’t. You know? I, I…

DJ: Well, that’s why we called. People are going nuts, us included.

EVH: You know, it’s like people… what the hell is a rock star? I’m a musician.

DJ: Yeah.

EVH: I make music.

DJ: Well, you know, you touched on it. Why people are so interested—nobody’s making the kind of stuff that you used to make.

EVH: Well, because there’re very few people that’re musicians. Most of
’
em are just rock stars.

DJ: Yeah.

EVH: What is that like a meteor, comet or something?

DJ: By the way, happy anniversary. Twenty years—the release of 1984. On this day.

EVH: Well, why didn’t you call me and congratulate me on the release of the first album in 1978!

DJ: Well, you know what? Ed—you’re not always there. Well, you’re always there, but sometimes when we call, you’re not. And uh, it’s like a, it’s like a philosophy lesson every time we call.

EVH: I saw the phone ringin’, and I was—I play very loud.

DJ: Yeah.

EVH: And, so, I picked it up a couple of times and nobody was—I couldn’t hear anything, so…

DJ: You didn’t get that, you didn’t get that string fixed on the guitar so you could kick into “Eruption” for us?

EVH: Nope. I was just goin’ out to, uh, I was just goin’ out to, uh, microphone broke on me on a kick drum yesterday, so I was gonna… I’m engineering, I’m doin’ everything now. I just… It’s life cleaning, so to speak, not spring cleaning.

DJ: Life cleaning meaning we’re startin’ over fresh.

EVH: Well, I just, just, you know—one way to, uh, I beat cancer was just moving, removing all negative BS from my life.

DJ: Yeah.

EVH: You know, I mean it’s like, everything is multidimensional. You know? It’s not one—they’re not gonna come up with a Bayer pill that’s gonna cure a damn thing.

DJ: Gotta change everything.

EVH: You know, it’s like, why did God put your head on top? It controls everything below it except what’s above it—your hair. [Laughter.] Cannot, cannot control your hair.

DJ: One last question, we’ll get you back to, uh, your work in the studio or your gift in the studio…

EVH: Actually, I’m, I’m leavin’ it as it is, and I’m goin’ in and goin’ to sleep.

DJ: Alright, then. Don’t forget, tonight, Walnut Creek, alright? Sammy will be waiting for you.

EVH: You know, when I think of a walnut, I think of like a peach, and something else that looks similar to it.

DJ: [Laughter.]

EVH: And it’s not the creek.

DJ: Right!

EVH: Maybe a crack but not a creek.

DJ: Well, hey, thanks so much for talkin’ to us, Ed. We appreciate it, man.

EVH: What’re you guys’ names, anyway?

DJ: It’s Dwyer and Michaels. And we’re in, believe it or not, Davenport, Iowa.

EVH: That’s cool.

DJ: We love you.

EVH: Hey, uh…

DJ: We’re gonna stay in touch if that’s okay. We won’t be pests, we promise.

EVH: You know, I… I’m easy.

DJ: OK.

EVH: You know?

DJ: We’re the little guys in the radio world, so…

EVH: Hey, I’m just a little guy standin’ here makin’ music.

DJ: Heh—I think people would disagree with that. We’ll take your word for it.

EVH: How tall are you?

DJ: [Laughter.] Together—twelve feet tall. Thanks buddy, appreciate it.

EVH: That’s if you fold it in half, right?

DJ: Yeah.

EVH: Anyway, have a great day.

DJ: You too.

“Time
is
irrelevant
to
me
 
.
 
.
 
.”

A few days later, Sammy arrived back at the 5150 studio waiting for Edward to come down. What he saw shocked him.

CHAPTER 38 

A Year to Forget

Sammy made several assessments upon his first encounter with Edward in ten years. “He looked like he hadn’t bathed in a week,” Sam said. “He certainly hadn’t changed his clothes in that long. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. He had a giant overcoat and army pants, tattered and ripped at the cuffs, held up by a piece of rope.” He continued, “I’d never seen him so skinny in my life. He was missing a number of teeth and the ones he had left were black. His boots were so worn out he had gaffer’s tape wrapped around them and his big toe stuck out.”

Ed went straight up to Sam to embrace him in a hug, which was awkward. Sammy said he immediately had a flash of a thought to get the hell out of there. Sammy said straight out that he thought Ed was “crazier than a loon.” When Sam noticed that Edward was drinking wine straight out of the bottle, he asked him why he didn’t just drink it out of a glass. Ed held up the bottle and retorted, “It’s in a glass.” Sammy also noted that Edward was repeatedly disappearing into a bathroom, often claiming “I gotta take a shit” almost as a not-so-subtle code phrase. Sammy said, “I never saw what it was, but he was doing something.” Clearly, Ed was still steeped in coke usage.

When Edward brought Sammy into the house for the first time in ten years, he was completely astonished:

There were bottles and cans all over the floor. The handle was broken off the refrigerator door. It was like a bum shack. There were spider webs everywhere. He had big blankets thrown over the windows… . He was sleeping on the floor with a blanket and pillow. There was no food in the cupboards. I had never seen a dirtier place in my life. It was like the house out of that movie
Grey
Gardens
.

Sam also claimed that the source of Ed’s missing teeth was Eddie acting as his own dentist. Hagar said Eddie told him, “I pulled my own tooth—this thing was bugging me so I got a pair of pliers and yanked it.” Sammy also said that at that time—in early 2004—that Eddie was “living with a pathologist” that was continuously checking Eddie’s tongue for cancer, even though he had proclaimed to the world that he was cancer-free in May of 2002. Sam belittled his obvious horrific condition, calling him a “fruitcake.”

The band proceeded to fumble their way through what might be called a recording process. Sammy said they sifted through any number of old tracks from all three eras/incarnations of the band. Sammy said that getting Eddie to stay focused in the studio was incredibly difficult as Ed was constantly either starting and stopping or tinkering with equipment to no end. The first song that Sammy was finally able to bang out lyrics for was titled “It’s About Time,” which he claimed was all about the breakup and reunion. One word: trite. Another song was called “Learning to See,” which was something approaching sappy country-rock. Yet something amazing did come out of the sessions. Sammy was able to write what could possibly be the single worst lyrics in the history of rock music, outranking himself on a claim to infamy he already held.

The song was called “Up for Breakfast” and was—wait for it—written with sexual metaphors about… breakfast. I hesitate to reprint any of the lyrics, but feel I must for context. “She put the cream in my coffee (first thing in the morning) / Put that butter on my biscuit (honeydew my melons) / Cherries on bananas (gonna need a second helpin’) / You know I’m up for breakfast so early in the morning.” This chorus was preceded by a verse line that included the phrase “Pump it up, baby, make it bigger.” It’s not clear why Hagar didn’t just call the song “Let’s Have Sex” and have the lyrics be “Hold my penis until I get an erection / Then let’s put it in your vagina / And I will hump you until I ejaculate.” But that would probably be too subtle for Mr. Hagar. The lyrics for this material was going to go nowhere.

Once again, they brought in Glen Ballard to produce, but he had a lot of trouble sticking with Ed’s schedule which was typically starting at 9pm and going for three or four days straight before collapsing and taking a few days off. Of the actual recording, once the basic tracks were down, Sammy and Michael cut all of their vocals—lead and background—in a half-day. The remainder of the recording took three additional months (which included Eddie playing bass on all three tracks—he refused to let Michael Anthony record any bass parts or give him any songwriting credit). About how long it took Ed to finish the recordings, Sammy said, “The Eddie Van Halen I first met could have done that in an hour.”

Word Leaks Out

During the sessions, they finally let the word out that VH had reunited with Hagar in March. Late that month, Sammy went on Howard Stern’s show for an interview by phone. Stern absolutely crucified him. He played a series of clips of Sammy badmouthing Van Halen and Eddie and Alex from the late 1990s, making Sammy look like an insincere fool. “How did it come about that you had a complete change of heart?” asked Stern. Sammy responded with, “Howard, I’m gonna kill you.” Sammy danced around the issue using platitudes like “things change.” Stern asked about Ed, and Sammy said, “Eddie’s fine. He’s great. He’s playin’ better than ever.” Sam must have been visibly squirming.

Dwyer and Michaels came calling again on April 9. They proceeded through a short but hilarious interview with Ed:

EVH: Hello?!

DJ: Eddie?

EVH: Yeah.

DJ: Hey, it’s Dwyer and Michaels in Iowa!

EVH:
And
 . . .

DJ: Oooh! How ya doin’?

EVH: Uhh… I’m on the phone with a…
female
companion
.

DJ: By the name of…

EVH: [Pause.] Of what?

DJ: We’re just tryin’ to see what her name was?

EVH: Oh.

DJ: Is that more important than talkin’ to us?
’
Cause if it is, we’ll understand.

EVH: Well, yeah it is.

DJ: [Laughs.] Okay!

EVH: Unless you give good head.

DJ & EVH: [Lots of laughter.]

DJ: Well, you’re not gonna get that from us. So…

EVH: Well, I can play you part of a great fuckin’ song, right now.

DJ: Okay.

EVH: But, she’s more important, so you’re shit out of luck. [Laughs.]

DJ: Okay. Hey, can we, can we call back in a little while?

EVH: Uh, I’m gonna be asleep, man. I’ve been workin’.

DJ: Oh, okay.

EVH: Like, I’ve been gettin’ three hours… three hours of sleep a night.
’
Cause… I’m, I’m mixing. [Pause.] We’re… [Pause.] We’re recording—finishing the third tune here at my house and we’re mixing somewhere else, and, I—hold on a second. [Ed goes to other line to talk to his girlfriend for about 5 seconds.]

DJ: Okay.

EVH: [Returns.] Alright, you know what she said?

DJ: What?

EVH: She goes “Tell
’
em to fuck off.”

DJ: Nooo! Sounds like someone who knows us.

EVH: [Laughs.] No, it’s, uh, not a chick with a dick… but she’s definitely got balls.

DJ & EVH: [Lots of laughter.]

DJ: So, are you guys rehearsing right now, then, getting ready for the tour?

EVH: Our first fuckin’ gig is June 12
^th
.

DJ: Yeah. Well, I don’t know. I’m hoping you’re already ready to go.

EVH: Um, I was
born
ready. If the rest of the guys aren’t, that’s their problem.

DJ: Yeah, so you’re, you’re working on track number three for the, for the CD.

EVH: Yeah.

DJ: I heard Sammy’s—

EVH: Oh, come on. Eh, you know, I’m not gonna tell you any of this shit.

DJ: No, that’s
alright
.

EVH: Yeah, for
you
!

DJ: Well, right!

EVH: Shit. You know, who gives a fuck, really? I don’t give a shit, you know? Put it this way. Obviously, the hat is out of the bag (sic), right?

DJ: Yeah, right.

EVH: Fuck. I gotta go. Alright?

DJ: Okay. [Laughter.] You could call us—

EVH: Call me tomorrow. Call me tomorrow.

DJ: We’ll call you tomorrow.

EVH: Alright?

DJ: Yeah.

EVH:
Bye
. [Sweetly.]

DJ: Thank you.

EVH: You’re welcome, bye.

The Cabo Wabo issue came up again, which was not a good sign. Ed was dead set against Sammy using the tour as a springboard of any kind at all to promote the club or the tequila (the same went for Michael Anthony’s brand of hot sauce). Through management, Edward insisted that not one venue feature a single poster or advertisement for Cabo Wabo, or even serve the brand. In response, Sammy had an enormous tattoo of the Cabo Wabo logo inked on the lower part of his right upper arm. He figured that every single night, the tattoo would be front and center on the video screens every time they showed a close-up of Sammy. Just like he said about the 2002 tour with Dave—that he did it “just to piss off Van Halen”—Hagar clearly did this to get under Edward’s skin more than to actually promote his brand. That tattoo alone would ultimately play a huge role in the permanent dissolution of the Hagar-based incarnation of the band.

The tour rehearsals were rocky, and led to a formal intervention attempt. According to Sammy:

Eddie was having trouble finishing songs… . All he wanted to play at rehearsal was the three new songs. He wouldn’t learn the old songs. Something was always wrong. I’d walk into a rehearsal and he’d be tearing apart his speakers… . He fired the monitor guy, fired the sound guy, fired the keyboard tech, fired at least five guitar techs, and that was just during rehearsals… . It was the craziest, most whacked-out stuff. I knew it was a disaster. I told Irving… . Irving agreed to hold an intervention with Eddie. He brought a big beefy security guard and met Al and me at 5150. Eddie walked in, carrying his wine bottle. Irving did all the talking. He told Eddie the tour was going to be difficult, that he needed to go away for a week or two, that we could postpone some dates if we needed. We all agreed Eddie needed to clean up. He smashed the bottle. “Fuck you,” he said. “I will kill the first motherfucker that tries to take this bottle away from me. I left my family for this shit. You think I’m going to fucking do this for you guys?” That’s how sick the cat was at that moment. It was going to be a long tour.

The Disastrous 2004 Tour

The 2004 tour kicked off on June 11 in Greensboro, as usual, and the show was very well received. The setlist for the summer shows featured a much higher volume of Roth-era material than previous Hagar-era tours. The show opened with “Jump,” and featured rare nuggets like “Somebody Get Me a Doctor” (with Mike on lead vocals) and even “Unchained.” The latter had only been performed by Hagar a handful of times on the 1993 tour. Ed teased his way up to the intro of the song until he exploded and launched into the classic, grinding yet beautiful chord progression. But barely a week after the tour started, a performance of “Unchained” in Worcester, just outside of Boston, was painfully off on Ed’s part, littered with sloppy playing. At one point, he even picked up something to drink off of the drum riser while continuing to play with his left hand in mid-verse.