Elemental Fear (40 page)

“What d you mean if?”

“Due to the seriousness of her injuries they had a rapid response Doctor tend to her at the scene. When she was being put in the ambulance the Doctor said it is possible that due to the amount of time she was without oxygen the biggest concern was brain damage that’s if they can get a stable pulse, they need to stabilise her to get her in surgery because she keeps fitting and they think she has fluid on the brain.”

“Holy fuck.” I wheezed out. I ran my hands through my hair grabbing handfuls and pulling, the slight pain did nothing to quell my fear.

I looked back at his stricken face and realised how drained he was.

“Why are you covered in her blood?”  I don’t know why I asked, but part of my Eve was all over him and when I looked at his shirt I wanted to vomit.

He grimaced and shook his head “I can’t stop seeing her Dom, lying there. She..
.” He closed his eyes tightly “when I touched her...I had to help the officer do CPR...” He covered his mouth as if he was ready to be sick, then fisted it and bit down on his knuckle “the more I did compressions the more blood gushed out...it was...a nightmare.” He dropped his hand from his mouth realising they were covered in blood and grimaced. He held his hands out in front of his chest staring at them. “I adore that girl Dominic, and I held her lifeless body and watched as they fought to bring her back.” He swallowed hard “I watched...I couldn’t do a thing to save her – “A strangled sob broke free, and I did the most unmanly thing I can think of. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pulled him to me. It was awkward and nothing at all like holding a woman, but I knew he needed this, he needed something to dissolve his pain. I felt numb, I couldn’t believe what was or had happened. I wanted my girl and I had to go to her now.

Dropping my arms and stepping away from him I turned to see my
mum was stood at the A&E entrance watching us, a somber expression on her face.

I stepped towards her, but paused turning to look at Johan.

“You go home and get changed; I know you’ll want to come to the hospital. You’ve got to look your best for when
our
girl wakes up.”

“They wouldn’t let me in I’m not family
.” He stated sadly.

“You’re her brother
.” I said staring at him. “Alan’s son, he’ll agree.” I small smile covered his lips “Thanks.”

I gripped his shoulder in a silent thank you and turned towards my
mum. As soon as I reached her she dissolved into tears and pressed her face into my chest. I held her tightly against me.

“They said it’s...time. There isn’t anything they can do...it’s time to say goodbye
.” She sobbed and my body went cold. “I can’t say goodbye...how do you do that?” She sobbed. She clung to my shirt, crying loudly. “How do you let go Dominic?”

I wanted to argue that she was wrong, we didn’t need to say goodbye, there was time. We had our whole lives together, she...I wasn’t saying goodbye. I closed my eyes and tightened my hold on my
mum.

Eve wasn’t leaving me. It wasn’t goodbye. We’ve just started, it can’t be the end.

I shrugged my black suit jacket on and straightened my black tie. I ran my fingers through my hair,

which was in desperate need of a cut but I couldn’t find the time or the heart to do it.

“You ready?” mum asked.

I nodded “as ready as I’ll ever be”

“The cars are here”

Again I nodded.

We walked outside and it was bloody pissing it down, the undertaker stood on our front step with a huge black umbrella. mum took my hand and squeezed, I smiled down at her. Even she could tell it was a fake smile, but it was all I could rally.

We walked down the drive towards the black hearse, a simple oak casket with a funeral spray of white flowers on the top.

I turned when I heard heels walking down the neighbours drive. Marie wiped at her eyes with a white handkerchief, Alan walked beside her with a stoic expression, his hands in his pockets, refusing to look at the casket. I couldn’t blame him, who wanted to see the fucking thing. Johan walked  beside Louise with his arm around her shoulders holding her close, I lifted my chin in silent thanks  for him supporting Lou.  Marie and mum hugged both letting out loud cries.

I nodded in Alan’s direction, he nodded back but that was the only exchange we shared, he still held anger in his eyes; it was eating away at him, dissolving the man he was.

The driver held our door open and we got into the cars.

I honestly thought I would get to this day and feel something, but I felt empty. Void, as if this was happening to someone else. I’d not shed one tear, I felt angry more than anything at the injustice of it all. I needed closure, people said today would bring that, but I felt even angrier today than I had six weeks ago.

I sat opposite Louise and Johan, none of us spoke, it was eerily quiet, the only sounds were mum’s sniffles. Louise stared out of the window, she appeared relaxed but when I looked down at her lap she held onto Johan’s hands with both hers in a death grip. Her stomach was beginning to show definite signs of her pregnancy.

We pulled up to the crematorium and a larger than expected crowd of people were stood in the rain waiting for us. A sea of black and grey, huddled under black umbrellas. The car with the casket stopped first, we pulled up behind it. The driver opened our door and I got out first, I held my hand out for Lou, then Johan got out, I held my hand out and helped
mum. Immediately people approached offering their ill given condolence. I didn’t want their condolences; I didn’t want to be here at all. Alan flanked one side of me, whilst Marie sought out my mum.

I turned when I heard a loud female cry,
mum covered her mouth with her hand and Marie wiped at her eyes. I turned my attention in the direction they were staring at to see that the undertakers were removing the casket. Four men lifted it onto their shoulders and followed the vicar through the chapel doors.

Ave Maria played through the speakers as we slowly made our way to the front of the chapel,
mum staggered a little, sobbing uncontrollably. I still felt bloody empty, I should be feeling something by now.

I sat down and pulled
mum beside me, I placed my arm around her and pulled her to me. Alan sat beside me and did the same thing to Marie. Johan and Louise sat beside Marie. Alan sat staring straight ahead. No emotion showed on his face, a simple tick in his jaw said he was struggling to  keep things together. Louise and Johan sat together, again no tears, nothing.

I looked around the room, it was a simple wooden clad room with a high apex roof, a large cross
at the front of the chapel was the only thing decorating the walls. There were approximately twenty pews, a lectern and the final resting place for the coffin before it was sent to be cremated. I could see out of the corner of my eye the casket and flowers, but I refused to look directly at it.

Reverend Godfrey stood at the lectern.

“Good afternoon, today is a somber day where we have gathered to pay our final respects
.”

I closed my eyes and zoned out, I was forced to come today, I didn’t want to come but upon the insistence of my family I finally decided to be here and support them as much as they wanted to support me.

I opened my eyes and looked across at the casket, and a sudden welcome rush of rage filled me. I wanted to reach into the coffin and drag the dead body out and scream at the injustice of it all. It wasn’t time to leave, it wasn’t time to die, it wasn’t fucking
fair
to die.

I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes again. I took in deep breaths and focused on happier times. Times when I held Eve in my arms, a time when I got to tell her how much I loved her, kiss her lips, hold her body close to me. I didn’t want to be in this place paying respect to a wooden fucking box. Because that is all that was left, a box with a corpse, it held nothing I wanted to pay respect to. I just wanted to hold my girlfriend.

I opened my eyes when I felt my mum shift beside me. Everyone was walking towards the coffin and placing flowers, or kisses on the polished wood. I wanted to scream at them all, shout until my lungs hurt ‘
what the fuck are you doing?
’

I stormed out of the chapel. Reverend Godfrey was stood outside waiting for people. “God be
with you son,” he said and held out my hand to shake.

I nodded shook his hand and walked across a paved area, to the side under some arches were plaques and flowers of other deceased people. Loved ones past away, families left behind struck by inconsolable grief. I stood there staring at the flowers and heartfelt words written on cards and felt more emotion and heartache for those I had never met than for the service I had just attended.

I jumped when a large hand landed on my shoulder.

I turned to see Alan standing beside me. Louise came in front of me and wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me. She stepped back and immediately stepped to Johan’s side and wrapped her arms through his and clung to him.

“It was always going to be a tough day –“ Alan started.

“Why are you even here?” I snapped.

“He was my nephew. I’m here to support your mum...and you,” he said quietly.

“I don’t want to be here. I hope he rots in hell for what he did. I’m so angry that he fucking died the bastard...he shouldn’t...why did he die?” I gasped and put a hand up to my chest. “He should be in prison, not dead”

“You came to support your mum, we all did. I can’t imagine the pain of burying a child, especially after everything that happened. But she needed to do it, we needed to support her. I’m just thankful it isn’t two funerals we’re attending.”

I nodded. I was indeed thankful for that.

“So when we are finished here...you go to the hospital you take hold of my baby girl and tell her how much you love her. Because there is no doubt in my mind she’s recovered through the worst crap in her life because you sat beside her the entire time. She loves you Dominic...live for her now. Stop this anger, let it go. He’s gone, she’s here...she’s still here”

I took a deep breath and nodded.

“We still on for this afternoon?” I asked him and then turned to Lou and Johan. All of them smiled at me and nodded. “Excellent.”

And just like that the thought of seeing my girlfriend warmed my icy heart. I finally felt something.

Elliott died in a head on collision with a tree, when he did a runner from the police he managed to get in his car, which he’d parked down the road, and sped away. The police gave chase but due to the speed Elliott was travelling and the wet road conditions he lost control of the car, veered off the road and ran straight into a tree. My brother was killed instantly. When I saw my mother at the hospital she assumed I was there to see him, to say goodbye. She had no idea about Eve, she didn’t know what he had done or how Eve was.

I didn’t want to attend his funeral, not because of grief but because I have a deep seated hate for him, funerals are for saying goodbye and showing final respect to the deceased, Elliott lost my respect the moment he hurt Eve. He was an evil bastard who nearly killed the woman I love. Had it not been for Johan, Elliott would have succeeded. Johan has earned himself hero status with me...but I’ll be damned if I tell him that – the little shit.

Evelyn Beaumont 25 years ol
d
.

The door opened and I shifted in the bed lifting myself up the pillows slightly. But my excited anticipation was soon dashed when a middle aged nurse came into the room. She smiled, showing her tea stained teeth.

“Hiya sweetheart, how are you feeling today
?” She asked in a husky voice, maybe not so much tea stained as nicotine.

“Hi, I’m not too bad today. My back doesn’t hurt as much as yesterday
.” I answered.

“That’s good to hear. I’m Morag, I’ll be your nurse today so anything you need chick just press your button.
Okay?”

I nodded.

“Where’s your young man?” She said looking round the room as if he was hiding in a corner somewhere. “He hasn’t left your side since you came in here.”

“He’s at a funeral
.” I said quietly.

“Oh, I am sorry. Was he close to the deceased?”

I shook my head not really wanting to get into this discussion. I still woke up in cold sweats after what had happened. I was in a coma for three weeks and so far spent a further three weeks in the hospital. Thankfully the swine flu pandemic had gotten under control so I was finally allowed visitors other than mum and dad.

“Well I’m sure he will be here as soon as it finishes.” I nodded. I couldn’t wait.

She carried out her general observations, and left me to my silent room. I had a private room, which I liked but times when I had no visitors I wished I had someone around to talk to. Dominic had bought me a kindle, and iPod to keep me entertained. He had made the cutest playlist of the songs he said reminded him of me.

I put my earphones in my ears and closed my eyes. I could wait a little longer for him to get here without going crazy.

****

It was getting dark outside when the door to my room opened and in came a familiar face, not the man I wanted to see, but much better than the usual nurses.

“Johan
.” I smiled and lifted my arms to gesture I wanted a hug.

He held out a single yellow rose with a small card attached to it. He leaned over kissed me on the forehead and left the room.

“Johan?” I called out as he closed the door.

I looked down at the flower then back at the door. I looked at the card.