Embracing You, Embracing Me (21 page)

“Eventually.” It was a statement not a
question, and I could hear the old bitterness seep into his voice.

I sat up and leaned on my palm, looking
down at him. “Don’t do this Gabriel, I don’t want to fight.” I knew he was
expecting me to repeat old patterns and push him away but I wasn’t. Was I?

Gabriel rolled over, slipped his boxers on
and positioned himself at the foot of the bed, leaning against the footboard
with his cast foot propped up on the pillows, giving us much needed space. “I
don’t want to fight either, I just don’t get you. You come here and give
yourself to me and just as easily you turn your back on me and walk away. What
gives, Roshell? I’m not interested in playing games with you anymore.” He
sounded tired.

I closed my eyes and prepared to bare my
soul. “Look Gabriel, I swear to you I am not playing games. I would stay if it
wasn’t for the fact that I was serious when I said that I needed to get myself
straight in the head. I have messed up plenty of relationships and I already
have a failed marriage under my belt before I’m even twenty-one. That’s not
something that I am real proud of.” I took a shaky breath before pushing on.
“My dad was nonexistent while I was growing up. In fact, not one of my cousins
knows their biological father. I grew up figuring that was just normal. Then as
I got older and started to discover that it wasn’t, I started questioning the
why. Men came and went in my mom and aunts’ lives. Not to mention the fact that
I grew up hearing of my terribly abusive grandfather. How in the world anyone
could purposely hurt my grandma is beyond my comprehension. She is the most
selfless, giving human being that I have ever known. I have a hard time
believing that there is anyone on the planet more gracious than her.”

Gabriel remained silent, his face passive.

“Anyway, as you can imagine, that didn’t
portray a very positive image of men for me. I just accepted that all men lie,
cheat and then leave.”

He drew his own conclusion from my
admission. “So you leave first, before they can leave you.”

It was a simple statement said without
malice, but the impact of it left me reeling. I snapped my head up to look at
his face, prepared to cut him to the quick with a defensive reply.

My eyes met his and saw only understanding
rather than blame. I immediately retreated knowing that he spoke the truth. It
hit me hard to know that I was still fighting my own demons and was far from
breaking the dysfunctional cycle that I had been so hell bent on escaping.
“Yeah, I guess your right. I hurt before I get hurt.” I sighed feeling
defeated, “Which is exactly why I have to face myself and my own past so that I
can learn new behaviors and then set a better example for Marissa.” I searched
his face. “Can you understand that?”

Gabriel turned away and looked out the
window at the trees lightly dancing in the night breeze.

GABRIEL:
She had finally opened up to me and essentially stated that her
issues were her own personal ones rather than something specifically related to
me or us, but it didn’t ease the pain of being pushed to the side. It just made
it finally make sense and when I thought about it, I knew that I couldn’t argue
with or negate what she was saying. If we are ever going to have a future, she
will have to come to terms with some of these things that she continues to
struggle with.

“I can understand that,” Gabriel said. “And
I do want you to do whatever it is that you need to do in order to get right.”
He turned toward me again, a new fire in his eyes, a new life. “But I want you
to come back here once you have,” he stated in an authoritative voice that I
was unaccustomed to. “Do
you
understand
me
?”

My heart swelled, my throat constricted, as
I was overcome with emotion. He had listened to me admit my failings, yet he
still wanted to be part of my future without pressuring about timing or
logistics.

I simply nodded, afraid to speak. He held
out his arms. I crawled over the bedspread and into his lap, where I felt safe
and accepted his comfort.

We were practically inseparable over the
next three days. Gabriel didn’t have to report back to duty until his doctor
officially released him.

Evenings were spent barbequing in Amber’s
backyard. She would invite her boyfriend over and the four of us would lounge,
enjoying the warm night air, laughing as Marissa dug holes in the yard along
side the dogs.

Gabriel easily engaged Marissa by playing
with her baby dolls, showing her how to rock them and burp them. She was always
a friendly baby and warmed up to him quickly. Those last few days were
bittersweet, filled with such happiness yet knowing we would part so soon after
our reconciliation, with no real idea of how things would play out. We only
knew that we wanted to enjoy every last minute together so we would have something
to hold onto, something to carry us until the next time we saw each other.

On the very last evening, before Marissa
and I were scheduled to drive north, we were laying in Amber’s guest room,
clinging to each minute, each second together, wanting to savor it. My back was
to him, his arms draped over my waist.

I was wrestling with my inner dialogue, the
urge to tell him that I loved him, so intense that I had to bite my lip to keep
the words from spilling out. Lying in his arms, in the dark, the screaming
inside my head was blocking out all other thoughts, ‘
I love you! I love you
so much it hurts!’
But still I remained silent refusing to say the words
out loud for fear that he wouldn’t return the sentiment. My insecurities were
still so fierce, so prominent, over-powering the need to communicate. I just
couldn’t let go of that last bit of control. I couldn’t expose my heart for
fear of it being broken.

Suddenly, Gabriel’s arms tightened around
me almost violently and he pulled me closer. “Oh that was horrible!” he said
and I could sense a change in him.

He was shaking and I became worried by the
intensity emanating from his being. “What? What happened?”

Gabriel kept silent, holding me almost too
tight to his chest. Then he took in one deep breath. “I don’t really know. I’m
not sure that I can explain it. I was just lying here thinking of you and me,
us, when I was suddenly filled with an enormous sense of dread, and panic. I
had the worst sensation come over me and a thought entered my mind. It just
popped in my head. It was a knowing I guess, that I’m never going to see you
again.” He pulled me tighter.

My stomach turned and I felt panicky.
Goosebumps spread over my body. I had never seen him so upset before and wanted
to brush away the fear he had introduced. “Don’t be silly, of course you will
see me again,” I said. “We will see each other again in just a matter of
months. We can’t stay apart for long. That’s just how it is for us.” I was
trying so hard to be calm, hoping to settle his worries. But my voice trembled
as an indescribable dread settled over me as well.

Gabriel buried his face in my hair,
inhaling deeply. “You’re right. We always make it back to each other. We always
have and we always will.”

Then he changed the subject. We spent the
rest of the night in each others arms sharing stories and refusing to talk of
the future. We drifted off as the first rays of light seeped into the room.

When I awoke, hearing Marissa calling for a
‘num num’, I was groggy and red eyed as I rolled out of bed. For privacy sake,
we had popped her playpen just outside of the bedroom door. I stepped out and
scooped her up, my head muddled as I headed toward the kitchen.

The morning was spent under an eerie
blanket of silence, thick with a combination of hope and loss intertwined.

Finally, after much procrastination, I
loaded up the Jetta and buckled Marissa into her car seat. Amber stood behind,
waiting until I was set. I turned and embraced her in a big hug. She held
tight, then briskly pulled back, spun on her heel and marched toward the house.
Like me; she didn’t like to make big emotional scenes. That and she was
allowing Gabriel and I a bit of privacy to say our goodbyes.

In an effort to take most of his weight off
of his foot, he leaned against the car, and simply held out his arms. I walked
into them.

I fought back the tears and buried my face
into his chest.

When I recovered, the tightness in my chest
loosening enough to allow easier breathing, I pulled back and faced him. “I
plan to come back for a visit after the first of the year. That should give me
a few months to get settled and establish a routine. In the meantime, I will
call you as soon as I get my phone hooked up.”

I stared hard into his pristine blue eyes.
Since the night before, something unrecognizable had settled there and I could
tell that he was having difficulty wrestling with his feelings.

“Okay, don’t wait too long. I’m gonna miss
you.”

“I’ll miss you too.” It was unbearable and
I didn’t want to drag it out any longer. I gave him a quick kiss and slid into
the car.

Gabriel grabbed his crutches, negotiating a
path to the side of the driveway allowing me space to turn the car around.

I backed up then pulled forward, hanging my
hand out the window, waving goodbye. I watched him in my rearview mirror as I
drove down the bumpy gravel lane, plastering a fake smile on my face until he
was out of sight and I could give in to my sorrow.

The next three months were overwhelming
with a whirlwind of activities. Rosie had secured a small duplex located out of
town on a quiet rural road, but still only ten minutes from the nearest gas
station on the outskirts of town.

Eager to start working, I applied for a job
at the Tribal Casino on the reservation that was just east of town. They called
for an interview the next day, and within the first week back I was sitting in
orientation excited about landing a position as hostess in the casino’s main
restaurant.

The idea of leaving Marissa with someone I
didn’t know terrified me, so I juggled babysitting duties between Graham, and
when he wasn’t available, his parents or Rosie who was going to school full
time.

I quickly realized that even though I had
enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom, I felt a new kind of fulfillment with doing
my job well and bringing home a paycheck. It gave me confidence and pride to
know that I could support myself and my daughter.

As soon as our phone line was installed, I
called Gabriel, just as I had promised. We spent many late nights talking,
sharing, missing one another.

That changed when one of my co-workers quit
on short notice and I willingly picked up the extra hours. I was anxious to
bring in more money with the holiday season quickly approaching.

With my schedule so tight, my late-night
phone calls decreased significantly as I fell into bed exhausted every evening.
Time flew and before I knew it, my divorce was finalized without complications
or much attention. Just like that, it was over as if it had never taken place.
The finality of it left me sad, disappointed in how I’d made such a mess of
things by marrying so young. But the treasure that I’d been blessed with as a
result, made the rest worth the heartache. Marissa had been born from our union
and nothing could ever make me regret that.

Life in the casino revolved on casino time,
which meant that I often worked late hours. My shift typically ended at closing
time, which wasn’t until four a.m., and I found myself wiped out every morning
when it was time to get up with Marissa after only a few solid hours of sleep.
I would run errands and spend quality time with my daughter during the day, and
then try to sneak in a quick nap in the evening before my next shift, while Rosie
studied and Marissa watched her Sesame Street videos.

One evening, I was awakened from one of my
routine naps, when the phone next to my bed shrilled out into the quiet of my
small bedroom.

My mind was foggy as I groped for the
handset, pulling it to my ear with eyes still closed.

“Roshell? Is this Roshell?” Amber’s voice
spoke severely over the line. Coming out of dreamland, I fluttered my eyes open
and searched the dark room, attempting to fully grasp consciousness. The clock
read six-fifteen. I would have to get ready for work soon. Disoriented, I
looked out the window into the already darkened winter sky and noticed that the
moon was nearing its full state. “Amber, is that you?” I asked groggily.

“Yeah, it’s me Roshell. I need to talk to
you. I have something to tell you.” Her voice had a dark, serious tone that was
completely out of character.

I suppressed a flicker of fear. “What’s the
matter Amber?”

“Are you sitting down? I think that you
should sit down. I have something bad to tell you.”

I sat upright at full attention, imagining
that something horrible had happened to Amber’s mother or maybe even her
boyfriend, and that I would need to be a strong support for my friend in her
time of need. “I’m fine. I’m sitting on my bed, Amber. Go ahead and just tell
me what’s going on with you.”