Embracing You, Embracing Me (18 page)

Amber shrugged. “Well it’s supposed to get
pretty hot tomorrow; we could go up to the lake with a cooler of snacks and
have a picnic, then go for a dip.” She turned back to Marissa, speaking in a
high-pitched, baby talk voice. “Do you want to go swimming with Auntie Amber,
Marissa?”

Marissa just smiled and banged on the pot
saying “goggy, goggy.”

Amber looked up at Roshell and said, “See,
she’s ecstatic. She can’t wait to go.”

I ladled up the stew into the bowls and
laughed. “Or, she is thrilled that she can say doggy now and has been saying it
all day.”

Amber sent me a cynical look so I corrected
my statement. “Okay, okay, she can’t wait to go swimming. So when do you want
to go?”

We made plans while we ate my homemade
stew.

AMBER:
Throughout dinner, I watched my best friend interacting with her
adorable child, flabbergasted that here we were—all grown up and trying to make
our way in the world. How in the hell had we made it this far?

When Roshell first moved I was angry with
her for leaving but as I sat there with her and Marissa I couldn’t help but be
grateful that we had somehow managed to keep our friendship throughout the
years.

Amber had been right about the weather
forecast. By the time we loaded up all of the picnic items it was around ten,
and already reaching the high seventies. I buckled Marissa into her car seat in
the back, and we hit the road, intending to stop by the small grocery store on
the way to pick up cold beverages.

As we meandered up and down the aisles,
making sure that we weren’t forgetting any necessities, we ran into Darren.  

Darren and Amber had broken off their
relationship the previous year, but still managed to maintain a solid
friendship. They really didn’t see each other often as they were both busy
working full time and had started dating new people.  

Darren hugged Amber affectionately, before
turning to face me. “Well, look what the cat drug in! I was wondering if you
were ever gonna show your face around here again.”

He enveloped me in a tight bear hug,
slapping me on the back a little too emphatically. “It’s about damn time,” he
said and turned to see the miniature Shirley Temple look- alike sitting in the
cart. “Holy Shit, is this your kid?”

I laughed at Darren’s typical exuberance.
Some things never changed. “Yes, this is my daughter Marissa, and she just
loves to repeat everything that she hears, so you might want to watch your
potty mouth,” I warned.

“Whoops, sorry, my bad. Well she sure is
cute. Its kind of weird seeing you with a kid though.” He glanced in Amber’s
direction, his eyebrows raised, “What do you think? Is it weird?”

Amber shrugged.  

I could tell that she still felt strange
with their new ‘friendship’ and it was probably awkward to talk to him so casually,

“Yeah, it was a little weird at first,”
Amber said, “but I’m used to it now.” She reached over and lightly tugged at
one of Marissa’s ringlets, watching it bounce back up.  

“What are you two up to today?” Darren
asked.

We filled him in on our plans for the day.
He ran his hand through his hair. “Shoot, I wish that I could hang out with you
guys, but I have to work all day.” Then his face lit up with an idea, “Hey, I
know, why don’t I bring some brews over tonight and we can reminisce about old
times?”

Amber squirmed as she jammed her hands into
her back pockets, disguising her nervous energy. “Sure, I guess that will be
fine. I already invited Michael over tonight.”  

Michael was Amber’s newest crush and they
had been seeing each other for a few weeks. Michael knew that she and Darren
maintained a friendship and so far had been cool with it, but he’d never had to
socialize with him.

I imagined that it would make Amber
hesitant to think about them both coming over.

“Why don’t you bring your girlfriend over?
I’d love to meet her.” She suggested.

Nice move,
I
thought. Amber’s attempt to diffuse the situation was smart. “Yeah, bring her
by,” I said. “We promise to go easy on her.”  

Darren narrowed his eyes as he thought it
over. “Yeah, I bet you will,” Then he shrugged. “Okay, we’ll swing by around
eight o’clock. That all right?”

Amber and I agreed in unison, “Eight
o’clock”

Darren turned on his heel to go back to
work before he got into trouble. At the last minute he looked back and pointed
a finger. “You two better be nice,” then shoved through the swinging doors at
the back of the store.

We giggled. It had been fun to tease Darren
a little. He was usually the one teasing everyone else.

I was putting Marissa down for the night,
singing the children’s church hymns that my grandma had sung to me as a young
girl. As I sat by Marissa’s playpen, gently stroking her hair back from her
face, I reflected on our day. We’d had so much fun picnicking and playing with
Marissa in the shallow part of the lake. Marissa had giggled and chortled every
time Amber dunked under the water and then popped back up with a splash.  

In spite of lathering on sun-block we
returned with pink faces and shoulders, feeling spent from the activity of the
day. But I was still restless and looked forward to the visit with Darren. I
hated to admit that I was hoping to wheedle a bit of information from him about
Gabriel, while trying not to seem too obvious.

Gabriel: even with all the time that had
passed, I still couldn’t think of him without flushing with emotion. I always
thought that as time went on, my memory of him and the time that we had spent
together would fade, but it never did. It was still fresh inside me as if it
were only yesterday that we held each other.

I shook my head, wanting to clear my
wandering thoughts when I heard a car pulling into the gravel lane. I looked
down at my sleeping baby and covered her with a light blanket, knowing that the
heat of the day would soon be replaced by a cool summertime breeze.

Darren quickly made introductions while
everyone converged in the kitchen where Michael was mixing an alcoholic
beverage that he had invented and so fittingly named ‘lights out.’  

I kept an eye on Amber to gauge how she was
handling the less than ordinary social gathering. To both of our surprise we
actually liked Darren’s girlfriend. She came across as a little ditzy at times
but was actually pretty sweet and seemed to be able to keep Darren and his
antics in line. We both relaxed as she met with our approval and the
awkwardness of the situation faded.

Michael and Darren had the same twisted
sense of humor so they hit it off pretty quickly as well, which was a bit odd
but further eased Amber’s apprehension.

Before we knew it we were all feeling the
effects of the ‘lights out’ concoction and laughing hysterically as we shared
each others’ past high school mishaps.

I was trying to work my way up to broaching
the topic of Gabriel when Darren beat me to it. He was reaching into the
freezer for ice when he leaned over the door and looked directly at me, his
eyes already glazed, “Have you been in touch with Gabe yet?” he asked.

Amber called out to him from the dining
table, “Shut the freezer door, you moron!”

Darren closed the door and continued to
gaze at me, completely unfazed by Amber’s comment.  

I blushed. “Um, no. I don’t think that he
would be too enthused to hear from me.”

“Whatever!” He plopped the ice in his cup.
“Of course he would want to see you. Come on. Let’s give him a call right now.”

I popped up out of my chair. “No, I mean,
not right now. Uhh… It’s too late at night, maybe tomorrow.” My heart was
pounding; I wasn’t ready.

Darren acted like I hadn’t said a word,
snatched up the phone and began to dial.  

I was wringing my hands together. “I’m not
kidding Darren, don’t you dare. Damn it!” I exclaimed as I watched him ignore
my excuses and continue to dial. He lowered the mouthpiece. “Got the answering
machine.” He gave an annoying conspiratorial wink as he repositioned the phone.
“Hey Gabe, it’s me. I have someone here with me that would like to say hi, talk
to ya later man.” He shoved the phone towards me but I violently shook my head
and backed away, as if he were trying to hand over a ticking time bomb. “Huh
uh, no way.”

Darren grabbed my right arm pulling me
close, and deliberately placed the phone to my ear. “Stop being such a baby,”
he hissed, and stepped back leaving me gaping at him with the phone in my hand.

I clutched it to my chin. “Umm hi, Gabriel,
it’s Roshell. I’m just in town for a few weeks. I am staying with Amber.
Anyway, I hope that you are doing good. I… uh… Goodbye.” I hung up the phone
and stared at it like it was infectious. My breaths were coming shallow and
fast and I had to force myself to calm down to avoid hyperventilating.

I bent over and rested both hands on my
knees, then looked over at Darren’s smirking face. “You are such an ass.”  

“Oh, get over it,” he said. “Besides I just
remembered that he’s not even home right now. He won’t be home for weeks. His
roommate will probably erase the message and forget all about it. He won’t even
know that you called”

I straightened upright, “Out of town?”

Darren sat at the dining table and we
listened, “Yeah, I totally forgot. He’s off fighting fires on the other side of
the mountain. Last year he joined the National Guard, and they just flew his
unit out last weekend, hoping to get that fire on the east side under control.”

My heart sank as I realized that I really
wouldn’t be seeing him during my visit and had to admit how much I had secretly
been wishing that our paths would have crossed. “Oh,” I said, feeling deflated.

Amber recognized my struggle and quickly
changed the subject. She was always coming to my rescue.  

The rest of the evening went by in an
inebriated haze, and I retired to the bedroom as soon as Darren and his
girlfriend walked out the front door.

My mind wandered as I imagined how the last
few years had played out for Gabriel. Flashes of assumed scenarios played
through my head in only a matter of minutes and I pressed my eyes tightly shut,
praying that Michael’s ‘lights out’ drink would hold up to its name so that I
could escape the torment of my imagination and simply pass out.

I shuffled out to the kitchen with Marissa
slung over one arm, the other clasping my pounding head.

“Morning sunshine,” Amber goaded.

I moaned. “How is it that you can drink
like a fish and never seem to get a hangover?”

Amber sipped her scalding coffee. “Good
genetics?” she offered. “I don’t know, but I was thinking of heading into town
to do some shopping, do you want to go? Or do you need more beauty sleep?”

I rolled my eyes. “No, I’ll be fine, just
let me down some of that coffee and hit the shower first. I’ll be as good as
new in no time.” I seriously doubted it, but decided that where there was a
will, there was a way. And where shopping was concerned there was always a
will.

We had a blast at the mall. Amber picked up
a cute new pair of jeans, and neither of us could resist buying Marissa the adorable
summer dresses that were on sale. Then we splurged on smoothies and pretzels
with cheese, before the thirty minute drive home.  

I carried my limp, sleeping daughter into
the house and laid her down. I was about to step back out the front door to
gather our bags, when I heard Amber hit the play button on the answering
machine. I froze mid-step as a familiar voice echoed in the air.

“Hey, Roshell. Gabe here. Just got in early
this morning. Long story. Anyway, I heard your message and I was hoping that
maybe we could get together or something. I would love to see you while you’re
in town. So… yeah… give me a call. My number is 555-8674. Hope to talk with you
soon. Bye.”

Amber stood erect with her finger still
poised on the message button, watching my reaction.  

I looked at the answering machine as if
waiting to see if there would be more then looked up at Amber, needing guidance.
“Oh my god, what do I do?”

Amber noticed that I was shaking and
flustered. She walked over and guided me to the couch. “Well, you want to see
him don’t you?”

I nodded. “Yes, but I’m scared. He was so
mad at me the last time that we saw each other.” My mind was racing as fast as
my heart was hammering in my chest, and I had to make a concerted effort to
think rationally.

“Well then, I personally think that you
should call him.” She stated very matter of factly. “That was years ago and a
lot has happened since then. I can’t imagine he would say he wanted to see you
if he was still mad and just wanted to have an argument.”

I tried to see reason in what Amber was
saying but couldn’t help feeling like I was about to implode.