Embracing You, Embracing Me (16 page)

“Sure honey, but I will have to come get
you first thing in the morning so we can get all of our errands done before you
go back to Washington.”

I agreed then turned to face my impossibly
small bedroom. I had seen closets in some of my friends’ parents’ rooms that
were bigger. I plopped down on the bed that wasn’t really a bed at all, but
rather a foam mattress turned into a bed. It wasn’t the most comfortable place
to sleep but I had been so excited when we first moved in, so tickled to
finally have a room to myself that I didn’t care what I slept on. Suddenly a
melancholy washed over me while I packed my personal items and the first twinge
of doubt slowly seeped in.

That evening at Amber’s I apologized,
explaining why I hadn’t kept in touch over the last few months. Amber was gracious,
brushing it off casually, saying that she had been busy with her horses and
hanging out with Darren anyway. But when I pushed on, explaining further about
the upcoming move, Amber’s position on the matter changed.

“What the heck? It’s our senior year! You
can’t just bail on me like that. What am I supposed do?” Her face was pinched
and she looked truly distraught.

I felt pulled in two directions; part of me
wanted to get the hell out of town and never look back, while the other part
wanted to stay with the people I knew and loved.

“I know Am, but my mom really wants to be
up there with her sister and now my grandma is selling the trailer so I don’t
really have a choice. Besides it’s only a four hour drive, I can come back to
visit whenever possible and you can come visit me too.”

Amber hhmmphed, “Whatever, it’s not the
same and you know it! Man I can’t believe this. This totally sucks!” Amber was
pacing around her living room as she ranted, then she paused, staring me down,
her eyes blazing. “Have you even bothered to talk to Gabriel yet?” she asked
accusingly.

I bowed my head, ashamed. “Not yet, we just
got in today.”

“Well you better, I don’t think that he was
too pleased when you didn’t come back as scheduled and just left him hanging
like that without even a phone call.” She retorted, releasing her pent up
resentment.

“I know, I better call him.”

“You can’t. He moved out of his parents’
house and into Tim’s place. They’re roommates now. Darren was telling me about
it just a few weeks ago. I don’t know the phone number or where the house is,
but we can go over there with Darren tonight. He was planning on going anyway,
it’s their poker night.”

“Sure, I guess.” I hesitated. “Have you
seen him lately? Do you think he’s really angry? Maybe he doesn’t even want to
see me.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen him a couple of times when
he was hanging out at Darren’s place. I can’t say that he seemed overtly angry,
you know how he is about keeping his emotions tight to the vest. But I can’t
imagine that he would be exactly pleased about the whole situation. He was expecting
you to be home weeks ago.” She turned to head out the front door. “I have
horses to feed. You can come if you want, and then we will give Darren a call.”

Darren picked us up around nine o’clock and
we drove to what appeared to be in the middle of nowhere.

The day had been stifling hot and after
sundown the air lost some of its heavy humidity allowing a little relief. It
was twilight as we drove down the long, gravel road that was badly in need of
grading to smooth out the potholes.

My nerves were shot by the time we parked.
Darren leaned into the back seat, grabbing the drinks and snacks. He glanced
over and his lips parted as if he were going to say something then snapped them
shut as he changed his mind.

I took a deep breath with a silent reminder
to remain calm and collected before I opened the door and stepped out.

Amber and Darren strolled in, arm in arm. I
followed close behind, wishing I was somehow invisible. We stepped directly
into a kitchen that had a definite seventies motif happening. Peering around
Amber’s shoulder to get a better look, I noticed the room was small with
cabinets that hung over a long, laminate bar. Past the bar and stools was a
large dining area with an oval dinner table. Already there, were six guys
sitting at the table chatting, while three unfamiliar girls hung out in the
step-down living room, watching an episode of Friends, my new favorite sitcom.

At first glance, I didn’t see Gabriel and
my heart skipped a beat: I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or distressed by
his absence.

Tim waltzed in “Hey dude. Glad you could
make it!” he reached out toward Darren and they gave the half-handshake,
half-hug thing that guys do.

Darren cut quick to the chase. “Hey, do you
know where Gabe’s at?”

Tim glanced over his shoulder toward me. I
could see that, he still felt bad for the embarrassment he had caused me the
year before at prom. He gave a nod, “Yeah, he’s out on the back deck smoking.”

“Smoking?” I commented. “Yuck. Well that’s
new.” I was trying to be flippant but my growing anxiety was apparent to
everyone in the room. I was wearing it like a coat.

I snaked my way through the maze of people
and peered out of the sliding glass door. There was a terrible reflection from
the indoor lights, making it difficult to see. I gave up and slid the door
open.

The large cedar deck was lit by lantern
lights that stood on either end and gave a candlelight glow.

He was at the opposite end lifting the lid
off a small hot tub and didn’t notice me at first.

I watched his strong arms ripple as he
propped the lid up against the side of the house and then bent over to pick up
his burning cigarette, taking a drag as he turned towards me. He stopped
mid-drag, put the cigarette to his side and stared at me for what seemed like
forever.

GABRIEL:
I felt too many emotions at once when I saw her suddenly standing
there. She was wearing a jean mini-skirt with white Keds and a white tank top.
She looked young and fresh, with her hair loose around her shoulders and even
though it was getting fairly dark, I could see that her cheeks were pink from
the sun.

My first reaction was shock at seeing her
there. For a split second I wanted to embrace her and shower her face with
kisses, but those feelings were quickly replaced by anger and resentment. I
remembered how she had walked away from me and what I believed we had been
building together.

I hate to admit that I had eagerly awaited
her return, and when two weeks molded into three and then four, I became
restless and worried. After a month, I started to feel embarrassed that she had
treated me so callously. At that point I clamped down hard on every emotion
related to her and forced myself to go numb.

As I watched her face, she was struggling.
Again, I almost went soft and soothed her worries. But I didn’t. I let her
struggle, just as I had.

Finally, I found my voice. “Well aren’t you
going to say something?”

“What do you want me to say, Roshell?” His
tone couldn’t quite disguise the bitterness.

“I don’t know,” I whispered pathetically.
“I thought that… never mind… I don’t know what I thought.” We continued to
stand facing one another, our bodies erect with tension while the silence
blared between us.

I swallowed hard and tried again. “I missed
you.”

Gabriel took a long drag from his
cigarette. “Did you?”

His accusing tone put me on the defensive.
“Of course I did. Why wouldn’t I? Look Gabriel, I know that you are pissed and
you have every right to be.” I proceeded to explain to him the circumstances:
how my aunt didn’t have a phone at first and how everything evolved into my
spending the summer. By the time I finished, my tone was almost pleading with
him as I realized there was no excuse for my callous behavior. “I really am
sorry Gabriel. I hope that you can forgive me.”

His body language relaxed slightly. “I
don’t really have anything to forgive, if you really think about it. You have
always made it quite clear that you don’t want any strings attached when it
comes to us. I am the one that pushed the issue. I’ll admit that I was pretty
torn up when you didn’t come back.” He straightened his back again and his tone
flattened to a monotone, “But I got over it.”

I had that one coming but nearly doubled
over from the pain that his dismissive statement caused. What did I expect
after the way that I had treated him?

“Well, anyway,” I said, “I wanted to set
things straight between us, and I also wanted to let you know that I am heading
back to Washington the day after tomorrow. My mom and I have decided to move
there.”

GABRIEL:
I didn’t think that she could sucker punch me anymore, but her last
statement was more than I was prepared for. Hell I wasn’t prepared for any of
this! She would be gone for good this time.

He turned his back to put his cigarette out
in the ashtray that was perched on the railing behind him, but not before I
caught the way his face had fallen with my declaration.

He slowly turned around, his posture stiff
as he walked towards me. His expression was fixed and unreadable.

I held my breath and tipped up my chin as
he came within inches of me, breaking normal spatial boundaries, reminding me
of the intimacy that we’d once shared. I could smell the heady masculine scent
of his favorite cologne, with a slight whiff of sweat to it, a scent that I’d
become so accustomed to. He had two days worth of stubble on his bronzed skin
and I had to resist the temptation to reach out and feel its familiar texture.
His blue eyes pierced mine with a harshness that was foreign and I felt weak.

For a moment, I wondered if he would kiss
me and all would be forgiven, but instead he leant down, gave me a quick,
emotionless, peck on the cheek and said, “Good luck, Roshell. I hope it goes
well for you.” Then he stepped around, opened the sliding glass door and left
me standing alone on the deck.

Hot tears welled up and my throat tightened
as I fought back the urge to cry. I stood out in the dark for five minutes,
taking in slow, deep, meditative breaths, my body shaking violently. The smell
of hay drifted in the air and I tried to focus on that rather than on the other
senses that were assaulting me.

To my relief, Amber stepped outside to
check on me and with one look knew that it had not gone well. She offered to
drive me back to her house. She could come back to pick up Darren later. I
readily agreed. The last thing I wanted to do was hang around any longer than I
had to and risk the chance of another encounter with Gabriel.

She slipped a strong arm around my
shoulders and guided me via the back of the house to the car, then ran back
inside to tell Darren the plan and to borrow his keys. The drive home was
silent while Amber kept her questions and opinions to herself. I was already
wrestling with them all on my own.

Grandma picked me up early the next
morning, just as she had promised. Amber and I fought back tears as we gave
each other a quick hug, and promised to call each other as often as possible.

My mood was somber as Grandma and I ran
errands in town. When we returned home, Sabrina was waiting on the front
stairs, just as she had so often done in the past.

She had a wide grin spread across her face
as she leapt down from the steps, knocking on my passenger window before I
could get out of the car.

“Guess what?” she asked with her hands
clasped together. She looked eager to share news and was bouncing around on her
toes, completely oblivious to my oppressive sadness, while I exited the car.

“Remember yesterday while we were on the
phone and you mentioned how cool it would be if I could go to Washington with
you?”

I remembered: I had called Sabrina as soon
as I got home but she had been heading out the door in a rush to get to work,
and promised that she would call me back later.

True to her word, she called around four
o’clock during her thirty-minute lunch-break. It was then that I filled her in
on current developments, joking around about how cool it would be if I could
smuggle her to Washington with me and keep her like a pet. But lunch break was
over and she had to get off the phone so that was the end of the conversation.

Sabrina didn’t wait for a response, “Well I
thought about it and was like ‘what the heck, I’ve got nothing better to do,’
so I called mom and she said that I was more than welcome to come back with you
for a few weeks and then who knows maybe if I liked it I would just stay. So I
quit my crappy job, which I am totally stoked about because I am sick of
smelling like a fried burrito. I am going to go pack up my stuff and come back
to your house in about an hour or so. Then we’re outta here.”

Just listening to Sabrina could take your
breath away, “Whoa, slow down. You talked to my mom?” For a moment I forgot
about my own despondence as Sabrina’s contagious enthusiasm rubbed off.