Embracing You, Embracing Me (12 page)

Earlier in the evening, I had pulled on a
pair of baggy gray sweats. I snagged an over-sized sweatshirt out of my room
and headed out into the cool, damp evening.

It had been raining throughout the day, so
the air smelled deliciously clean and crisp when we stepped outside. I was
careful as I trudged down the rickety wood steps because as Grandma would say,
they were “slicker than snot” after it rained.

Instead of opening his car door, Gabriel
turned around and leaned against it, “Just so you know, Roshell, I have
purposely given you space because you haven’t been exactly friendly at school
this past week. You just kind of clammed up on me.”

I felt slightly abashed, knowing that he
was right and I had put all the blame on him earlier. “I know, I just… I
thought that maybe you wouldn’t want me to talk to you at school.”

Gabriel grinned, when I got flustered and
shy. “Of course I want you to talk to me at school, or anywhere for that
matter.”

I was nervously fidgeting with the zipper
on my hooded sweatshirt and once I realized it, I stopped and looked him in the
eye. “Okay, friends?”

Gabriel’s smile faded and he straightened
his lazy posture. “Friends? No. I don’t think so.” With that he pulled me in
quickly and laid one on me before I could respond.

This kiss was not like the others. It was
fast and intense so that when he stepped back, I was practically dizzy from it.
He had taken me under to the point where I could barely think and then just as
quickly resurfaced, leaving me floundering, off guard.

I didn’t know if the kiss had affected him
as strongly but I was acutely aware of the fact that he was constantly gauging
my reaction and tempering his own actions to fit my needs. It felt as though we
were always engaged in a delicate dance, bending, pulling back and then leaning
into the other as we learned about the needs and desires flowing between. His
consistently respectful attempt to give me security and safety in our interactions
gave me a rare sense of being treasured.

Still, I felt vulnerable and a little
nervous because of my past experiences. I appreciated his recognition of my
need to proceed cautiously. In the same token, I was also aware that he was
making it quite clear that as far as he was concerned, we had moved past the
“just friends” stage.

I stood very still, not sure how to
proceed, willing my mind to catch up with my body. But before I could fully
recover, Gabriel flashed a white smile, opened the driver side door and slid
into the leather seat, “I had a good time tonight. You’re family is nice. I’ll
see you at school tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see ya tomorrow.” The words were
practically inaudible as he pulled away. Suddenly I became aware that I was
shivering and wasn’t sure whether to attribute it to the weather or the kiss. I
hugged myself tightly with a ridiculous grin pasted to my face and ran inside
to tell Sabrina all about it.

As the next few weeks passed, Gabriel made
a habit of stopping by my house after work at least once or twice a week. Every
time he pulled into my dirt lane, I was surprised. I just couldn’t believe that
he was interested in me.

We would laugh and talk in my tiny bedroom,
with the door open of course, following Grandma’s rules. We developed a
friendship as we shared personal stories of our childhoods, sharing dreams,
disappointments, and hopes for the future.

Each night would end with me walking
Gabriel out to his car where we would hold each other tightly and share many
sweet, lingering kisses.

At school things were still another matter.
I made a point to act more relaxed and open with him around our peers, but no
matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t allow my guard down enough to treat
him in the same way as I did when he visited my home. I wasn’t sure why this
was. I only knew that I would unfailingly put on a reserved front toward him
whenever we were in a social setting.

Gabriel recognized my inconsistent
behavior, but never pressured me to act otherwise or force the issue. He was
clearly allowing me to be in the driver’s seat as I slowly got used to our new
friendship. Relationship? Whatever it was.

On the last day of school before Christmas
break started, Amber barreled over to my locker, practically pouncing on me
with enthusiasm. “Guess what? My mom is going out of town for the weekend to go
skiing with one of her coworkers.”

I raised my eyebrow. “Yeah, and?”

Amber rolled her eyes, “Dude that means
that I have the whole house to myself for the weekend. You have to come over
tonight. We can invite the guys and a couple of friends. IT WILL BE AWESOME!”

Ooh, the possibilities
, I thought and gave a devilish grin. “Okay, I will ask my mom if I
can stay at your house for the weekend, but I can’t tell her that your mom will
be gone. You know how she is. She would never go for it.”

“I don’t know,” Amber answered, “your mom
is getting a lot better about that stuff. I mean you are a junior now.”

“I know, she has loosened up a bit, but I
still think it’s better to keep it on the down low this time.”

“Sure. Whatever. Anyway, let’s let the guys
know. They can bring over some of their buddies if they want. Sabrina can’t go
because she is starting her new job at Taco Bell. She is pretty excited about
it, and thinks that if she can make enough money she could maybe get a roommate
and move out of her parents’ house and into town.” Amber was rambling on fast
but I had no problem keeping up. The two of us often talked at furious speeds
when excited about something and only a few would dare attempt to follow along,
much less join in.

We carried on, making plans until the bell
for the next period rang. Then we scurried off with our minds scattered, thinking
about anything but academics.

I was pumped when my mom agreed to let me
spend the weekend at Amber’s. My uncle dropped me off on the way home from
ballet lessons. I threw my things inside the house before scurrying out to the
small barn and stables where I knew Amber would be doing her nightly routine.
Sure enough, Amber was mucking out the stalls where she kept her old mare.

I picked up one of the brushes stored by
the tackle and started to brush Annie down, while we talked excitedly about the
upcoming evening.

The guys were supposed to come by after
they got off work. Gabriel had helped Darren get a position at the grocery
store and both of them were scheduled to close. The plan was that they would
grab snacks and drinks before picking up some of their friends, then head over
around ten.

Back at the house, Amber cooked up Macaroni
and Cheese while I took a quick shower. We gobbled our dinner then flittered
around the house deciding what to wear, fixing each others’ hair and makeup.

The guys showed up with Shawn, Lewis, and
their girlfriends, and Darren dragged a cooler up to the front porch, “Help
yourselves, ladies!”

Amber gave him a smacking kiss and then
opened up the cooler, while I peaked over her shoulder. I scrunched up my face
when I saw its contents. “Beer. Yuck!”

Darren snickered as he prepared the steaks
he’d brought. “Quit being a bunch of girls,” he teased.

I couldn’t help but flash back to the last
time that I’d had a few beers and my stomach tightened in response.

I felt Gabriel watching me as I
contemplated the choice of beverages, clenching my jaw, a little stressed.
What
the hell
, I thought. Without further delay, I reached into the cooler,
snatched a cold can, popped the top and took a bitter swig. I was determined
not think of that night and was even more determined not to let it affect my
choices. I would drink a beer just to spite that memory. Unfortunately, I
really did hate the taste of beer and barely got the first icy mouthful down
without gagging. “Seriously, how does anyone drink this stuff? It tastes like
butt!” I said emphatically, enjoying the laughter I evoked.

Gabriel snuck up behind me, gently placing
his hand on my shoulder, and whispered, “I have some cokes out in my car, if
you would rather have one of those.”

I lifted my chin stubbornly. “I’m fine with
this,” and walked into the house.

After everyone had satisfied their
appetites with the juicy steaks, we gathered around Amber’s circular dining
table to play the drinking game, “quarters.”

The guys were much better than the girls
and thought it was funny to give most of the beer from the “quarters” cup to
us. We would cheer each other on while the majority of the beer dribbled down
our chins, rather than into our bellies, as we guzzled it down. Nevertheless,
soon everyone was more than a little buzzed.

I found that I actually enjoyed the game,
despite the choice of beverage and particularly liked how the alcohol worked
its magic, making me feel giddy and uninhibited.

After one of my many bathroom breaks,
instead of rejoining everyone in the kitchen I took a detour out the back door
wanting a bit of fresh air to clear my woozy head.

Gabriel followed and wrapped his arms
around me from behind. I leaned in. I loved how warm and strong he was. He was
so big compared to me and I relished how petite I felt in his embrace.

We stood like that enjoying the quiet of
the rural surroundings for some time. Then Gabriel spoke in his slow, quiet
manner, “Roshell, this may not be the right time. But will you go out with me?
Will you be my girlfriend?”

I was not ready. My body stiffened and I
started to pull away. “You’re right this isn’t the right time. I’m completely
snockered and so are you,” I said in an emotionless tone.

“I’m not, as you put it, “snockered” and I
know exactly what I am asking. I think that it’s time that we made more of a commitment
to each other.”

I turned around to face him and bobbled
just a bit. I didn’t know why I was reacting that way. It was exactly what I
wanted and had been waiting for, but now that it was literally staring me in
the face, I couldn’t stop the panicky feeling that was creeping up and
threatening to strangle me. I suddenly felt claustrophobic and didn’t know what
to do about it.
Just say yes!
A voice in my head screamed.
This is
what you want and he’s offering it to you, just say yes, you idiot!
The
screaming was deafening but I ignored it, baffled by conflicting reactions.

“Why? Why can’t we just keep things how
they are?” I asked. “People screw things up when it gets too serious. Let’s
just keep it light so that when someone gets bored and wants to move on they
can do it without a big fuss.”

Gabriel’s face remained passive but his
eyes cut through mine. “Bored huh? You getting bored already?” His tone dripped
with sarcasm.

I squirmed under his direct gaze. “NO! But
one of us might. Anyway, you were right. Now is not a good time to talk about
this. Can we talk about it later?” My voice pitched higher as I pleaded with
him to drop it for the time being.

I could tell that he was far from satisfied
with the way our conversation had played out but he agreed that we should
shelve the topic for a later date. With a sigh, he offered his hand. “Sure.
Let’s go in.”

GABRIEL:
She might have been able to act as if nothing had just passed
between us but I was having difficulty doing the same. She absolutely perplexed
me. I’m not used to feeling so off balance. It pisses me off!

I was seriously considering forgetting
about her and moving on, so that I wouldn’t have to deal with her flighty
behavior and these tumultuous feelings.

All it took to change my mind was watching
her dance around the living room like a fool with her best friend.

Roshell has a way of lighting up the room.
She is vivacious and she doesn’t see what the rest of us see when she looks in
the mirror. She is funny and has an amazing ability to put others at ease by
how easily she laughs at herself. She talks about her own faults as if they
aren’t faults at all, but rather facts of life that she is trying to somehow
get around.

Nope, I won’t be moving on any time soon. I
really care about her. I just need to remember that she has been hurt. She’ll
come around in her own time. She’s been pushed too far before and I’ll be
damned if I’ll be another to push her on anything before she is ready.

The night moved on, and I found Gabriel
sitting on the front porch with Darren. They were trying out the Swisher Sweets
they had swiped from Darren’s dad. Darren was bragging to Gabriel about how he
thought he might get ‘lucky’ tonight with Amber, just as she and I stepped out
the front door. Each with a beer in hand, we were swaying like thin trees blowing
in the wind.

“Whoa, Nelly!” Darren’s voice boomed. “You
guys are totally soused! How many have you two had?” He looked at us with a
sideways expression, either that or I was seeing cock-eyed.

“Look at them, Gabe. They can barely hold
each other up and their giggling about nothing in particular. Hey, you two,
what’cha laughin’ about? You can’t handle your alcohol? Had a little too much,
huh?”