Embracing You, Embracing Me (8 page)

God why am I such a dork?
I wondered. I wanted to save face, to say something that would
allow for a quick recovery. Before I could speak, his gravelly voice broke
through the darkness once again.

“Anyway, I will leave, I was just wondering
if I could borrow a towel. I couldn’t find one in the hall closet.”

I felt even more ashamed: he was only
looking for a towel. “Oh, here, use mine, it’s not very wet.” I stepped
forward, stretching my arm out to hand over the towel. I stood like that for a
second and felt silly. Erin gently grabbed my wrist and slowly tugged the towel
from my shaky fingers.

“That’s okay. I think that I am actually
pretty dry now, all except for my trunks.” He continued to speak in a whispered
baritone, as if he were afraid to scare me off, and tossed the towel to the
side.

“I am very cold though, maybe you could
warm me up.” Gently he pulled me to him and before I knew it he was kissing me
thoroughly.

All thoughts flew from my mind as I
transitioned from feeling awkward and shy to being encompassed with delight as
my body awakened and responded eagerly to his passionate kiss. His tongue swept
into my mouth and I quickly learned to follow and mimic his movements to keep
the rhythm of the kiss flowing. I had never truly enjoyed that type of kissing
before and reveled in how great it could be. I sighed as the kiss slightly
increased in intensity and felt his smooth hands begin to lightly roam, caressing
my skin. My body tingled and warmed with the new sensations and I responded by
wrapping my arms around his neck, pressing my body against his so that we were
skin to skin, still warm and damp from the hot tub.

I tensed up as his hands wandered, but
relaxed again when he responded to my hesitation, moving his hand back to my
shoulder. The kissing was slow and gentle for a time before he increased the
intensity again and this time, I was eager to keep up.

I was so happy that this gorgeous guy liked
me and was making me feel that way. I didn’t want him to regret kissing me, so
when his hands began to wander again, I decided to allow it. At first I felt
incredibly exposed and vulnerable but then relaxed and enjoyed the butterflies
that were flitting around in the pit of my stomach.

As things became more heated, Erin’s hands roamed further. I gasped with shock and realized quickly that I had let things
get farther than I was comfortable with. I grasped his wrist and murmured, “I
think that we better stop for tonight. I really do need to get home before I
get busted.” Erin kept trying to kiss me and acted as if I hadn’t spoken.

I put my hands to his chest and pushed back
slightly, stating more firmly, “I’m serious. I need to get dressed and Sabrina
will be in here any minute.”

Someone started twisting the door handle
back and forth. We heard Sabrina on the other side, “Hey, Roshell, are you in
there, is everything okay?”

I giggled nervously. “Yeah, I’m in here.
I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Is Erin in there with you? We can’t find
him.”

“Uh, yeah, but we were just talking. We’ll
be right out.”

I could hear the smile in Sabrina’s voice
as she replied, “No hurry, I was just going to hang out with Ethan in the
kitchen anyway and get some snacks.”

As Sabrina’s footsteps retreated down the
hall, I slowly tried to extract myself from Erin’s embrace in order to find the
rest of my clothes. His muscular arms strengthened around me.

“Hey, where are you going?” He asked. “She
said take your time. Don’t you want to stay? Don’t you like me?”

“Yes... no… uh yes.” Ugh, things were
getting uncomfortable fast and I felt the pressing need to get home; it was
getting hellishly late. I tried to back away again.

He grabbed my hand and placed it between
his legs. He said in a syrupy sweet, coaxing tone, “You see what you’ve done to
me? You can’t just leave me like this.” Because I could hear a smile in his
statement, I thought that he was teasing me and laughed cautiously, but when I
went to pull my hand away he held it there more firmly, causing me to wince in
pain. I became confused and stood frozen like a hunted animal. I’d had enough
of this rollercoaster ride. I wanted off and wanted to go home.

“Stop it. That hurts.” I said, truly
mortified at that point and starting to get a little angry. My voice rose but I
spoke in a clear tone so that there would be no mistaking my seriousness. “I
said that hurts, now let go.”

Many thoughts raced through my head at
once, a barrage of possibilities. I briefly thought of screaming, but then was
mortified at the thought of everyone racing in, having to break down the door,
and then seeing us that way. What would they think? Would they think that I was
a tease or a slut? Or what if someone called the police? No, I definitely
couldn’t deal with that kind of drama. Plus, my mom and grandma would find out
that I had snuck out. They would be beyond anger. I couldn’t face disappointing
them like that. No. I had to deal with this myself. I could figure it out.

When he didn’t respond to my demand, I
tried to jerk my wrist from his grasp. He gripped harder and reached out for
the other wrist with a quickness that startled me. I felt that same clench of
panic in my gut from earlier in that evening and in a second of clarity that I
would later look back on, I realized that in that moment I knew what was about
to happen and how it would change me forever.

SABRINA:
The moment Roshell stepped into the kitchen where Ethan and I were
staring googley eyed over chips and salsa, I recognized the tension in her
instantly. How could I not, it was literally oozing off of her. Something was
wrong. She had her shoes and socks in hands and marched down the hallway. Her
movements were jerky and she was staring at the floor. And when I asked her
what was the matter, I didn’t believe her answer. She couldn’t even look me in
the face. Something was HORRIBLY wrong.

I barely heard Sabrina ask me what was the
matter. Distracted, I answered in a brisk, unfriendly tone: “Nothing, it’s just
real late and I want to get home before we’re caught.”

Sabrina gave a worried look then scooted
down the hall to get dressed. I leaned against the wall, trying to control my
breathing. I stiffened when, from around the corner, I heard Sabrina snap: “You
better not have upset my friend, or I will personally kick your ass.”

The sick sound of Erin snickering floated
down the hall reaching my ears. It made me want to throw up. I put my hand to
my stomach when I heard his icy voice: “What’s the matter? You wanna piece of
me too?”

SABRINA:
My stomach was doing flip-flops. What had this creep done to my
friend? He had this eerie grin and an intolerable air of indifference, like
whatever he’d done was okay, but I knew it wasn’t. I just wanted to get Roshell
out of there and talk with her privately.

The walk home was silent and oppressive. By
the time we finally neared the other side of the dam, Sabrina broke the
silence. “Look, I know that something is wrong. You are clearly upset about
what happened back there. What is it?”

She glanced my direction, watching the way
I furrowed my brows and clenched my jaw before answering. “Nothing worth
talking about.”

Sabrina stopped, grasped my arm and spun me
around until we faced each other. “I’m not going any further until you tell me
exactly what is going on with you. Did you guys have a fight or something?” The
question hung in the air.

I shook free from Sabrina’s hold and gave a
sickening laugh, slowly walking forward again, “No, we just had sex.” My tone
was flat and lifeless, a reflection of my inner state.

Sabrina balked for a second before hurrying
to catch up. That was the last thing that she would have expected to come out
of my mouth.

After a few awkward moments, Sabrina said,
“I know it can be disappointing the first time… and it hurts…” She paused,
looking uncomfortable. A new thought passed over her features “Uh, did you guys
use protection?”

I gave another smirking laugh and snapped,
“Protection was probably the last thing on that asshole’s mind, now just drop
it okay?”

I knew that my behavior was probably
alarming my friend and that Sabrina was smart enough to figure out what had occurred
on her own, but I truly didn’t care.

“Roshell? What are you talking about? Did
he force himself? Did he ra…”

At that, I spun on my heel, stuck my finger
in Sabrina’s face, and raised my voice through clenched teeth, “Don’t you say
that! Don’t you dare say that word to me! I didn’t say no. I didn’t scream. I
didn’t even struggle that much. It is what it is. Now just drop it!” I demanded
vehemently, my insides quaking with emotion.

Sabrina stared at me in the pale moonlight,
recognition and then sadness registering.

SABRINA:
That’s when I knew. I could see so much raw emotion on her face
reflecting the violation of her innocence, the ripping away of part of her
youth that my throat closed up and I had to fight back tears. My voice sounded
meek as I heard myself whisper into the night, “Okay.”

I just wanted to reach out and hug her but
I was afraid of how she would react. She looked enraged and fierce yet somehow
simultaneously fragile to the point that she might crumble and break if touched
wrongly.

I stepped back. I sighed, “Thank you. I
just want to go home. All right?” I was counting on Sabrina to be the friend
that I needed her to be, whatever that required.

We stuffed away the hurt, the secret of the
night and walked on in the early morning hours, our friendship cemented in that
moment of bonded silence.

SABRINA:
I was consumed with worry for Roshell the rest of the weekend but
decided to give her space and feel things out on Monday morning.

I found myself lost in a never ending cycle
of guilt ridden thoughts as I envisioned multiple scenes of her nightmarish
experience and wondered how I might have prevented it. Where had things gone
wrong?

I’m berating myself for not following my
instincts. I had recognized that there was something wrong with the way Erin
behaved, the way he peered at you with his black troublesome gaze.

I am absolutely beside myself and fear for
how Roshell will hold up.

As I headed out to the bus stop early
Monday I hoped that Roshell would be out there early too, being that it was the
first day of the school year. This would allow us some alone time in case she
needed to talk. But as I neared the stop I noticed that a few other students
were already there. But not Roshell.

I started to feel panicky and looked
towards her trailer just as the front door swung open. Roshell bounded down the
steps practically skipping down the dirt lane and instead of feeling relieved
the sight only made me feel worse.

A part of me hoped I had mistaken the
events of Saturday night. But I knew that I hadn’t.

Roshell was obviously putting on a very convincing
act of “all is normal.”

I’m not comfortable with this at all but
have decided to follow along in this charade for as long as she needs me to.

I cannot describe to you how odd it felt to
listen to her ramble on about how much of a pain her cousins had been on Sunday
while she was babysitting and all the while I knew that she was aching and
screaming on the inside.

Over the next few weeks, she was truly
convincing and if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew the truth, even I wouldn’t
have noticed the slight changes in her.

To most, all seems well. She is still
sociable with our group, she is still dedicated to her dancing, and her humor
is just as sharp as ever. The changes are subtle, her acting ability is Oscar
worthy in my opinion.

But I’m not fooled. I’ve noticed that
Roshell’s appetite is suffering and she picks her way through lunch, stirring
things around so that it looks as if she’s eating. Oftentimes I will catch her
staring off into the distance with a disenchanted look on her face until she
catches herself and immediately re-engages, forcing a smile

It bothers me. I want to fix it. I’m so
used to being able to divert people from their pain by making a snide remark or
going off about some pointless subject, making everyone laugh. But this time,
none of my antics are appropriate. I’m at a loss.

The only time she ever mentioned anything
that even referred to that night was one morning when she came out of the
girls’ bathroom and stated in a frank tone, “I got my period. Thank God, for
that!” and then she stomped off to her keyboarding class.

It sure confused Amber. She said something
like “I personally don’t enjoy that aspect of being female, but each to their
own.” Then she just went back to digging through her locker.

But I knew exactly what Roshell had meant
and had to press my lips together to avoid saying anything in response. That at
least was a relief and Roshell must have been secretly terrified this past
three weeks just waiting, but she had never once indicated it.